Allured

Chapter 2

ZARIN KLAIRE SANDOVAL

__

"The suicide happened in daylight. Many students witnessed it; that's why we keep on monitoring them to make sure that they are not traumatized at all," Dr. Salazar said, the Mental Health Department's head of Sanville University.

"Is it the University's negligence?" I asked looking straight into her eyes.

"Hmm, I can't say that, Ms. Sandoval. I believe that we are doing our part, and we are continuously doing our best to help students' mental health. We can't really stop that kind of incident from happening. After all, wala pa rin dito sa campus ang buong buhay nila. They have life outside here and it's something we can no longer control dahil hindi na natin alam kung anong pinagdadaanan nila sa labas or even at their own homes."

Hindi ako sumagot at nanatili lang na nakatingin sa kanya.

"It's really saddening. We have different clubs and organizations for mental health that students could join, but sadly, some students really prefer not to share and open themselves up. We are giving what we can give, but we can't always help, especially kung sila na mismo mo ang nagre-refuse ng help from us. I really feel wretched that we are not able to prevent it, but we have to accept those kinds of situations. Sa ngayon, dahil nangyari ito, we have to acknowledge na may pagkukulang din on our end."

"What do you think is the cause?"

"According to our quarterly examination, most of the students here have mental health problems. And from the data and from what I've heard from some students here, maraming factors affecting them at maraming trigger to make them feel depressed. It could be pressure, childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, discrimination, and a lot more. Kung tutuusin, we tend to think that rich people have fewer issues, but surprisingly, that's not the case."

"Any plans?"

"Well, we'll continue to check the students lalo na 'yung mga diagnosed with severe depression. 'Yung monthly checking on them, maybe we can make it twice a month. I'm also planning to propose the expansion of our department to Ms. President so we can focus more on every student. You may also see the presentation in your free time. I would love to show that to you, Ms. Sandoval."

"How can we make sure the suicide incident won't happen again?"

"Well... it's not easy, Ms. Sandoval. What we can do is change their minds if we can. Factor din ang mga tao sa paligid nila sa decision making na ginagawa nila. Sometimes making them feel that you understand them and that you truly care for them might help. A little compassion and empathy might help as well." Ngumiti ito nang bahagya sa akin. "It's nice to know that you care for them, Ms. Sandoval."

"I don't."

Silence conquered the whole room, and she remained looking at me. Tila hindi napaniwalaan agad ang sagot ko at sinubukan pa iyong i-absorb.

She gulped something down her throat before speaking up again.

"Oh... I'm... surprised to hear that. Isang taon na lang tapos na ang master's degree mo. You'll be a psychologist. How would you help those who need your professional help? If you don't mind me asking?"

I didn't say anything because I didn't feel the need to answer that. I held my handbag and stood up.

"I have to go now," I said casually.

I went out of her office.

I was already outside the building when someone bumped into me. Tumapon ang hawak nitong inumin sa damit ko.

"K-Klaire... s-sorry, I-- I'm sorry..." A woman in front of me wearing thick glasses apologized.

Kinuha niya ang panyo mula sa bulsa at pinahid iyon sa damit kong nabasa habang patuloy pa rin sa paghingi ng tawad.

I let out a deep sigh.

"P-Pasensya na... h-hindi ko talaga sinasad--"

Tinabig ko ang kamay niya palayo sa akin. I hated strangers getting that close to me. Hindi ko siya gusto at lalong hindi ko gusto nang hinahawakan ako.

I turned my back from her at nagpatuloy sa paghakbang papunta sa private building. I needed to change my clothes.

I had my own room and own closet there. Halos walang gamit doon dahil madalang akong dumaan unless kailangan kong magpalit ng damit o sapatos.

Nakita ko pa rin ito sa labas nang makapagpalit ako. She kept calling my name, kept following me and apologizing about what happened.

"K-Klaire, I-- I didn't mean to do that. I-I'm really sorry..."

I didn't want to talk to her or anyone, but she kept saying the same thing over and over and my ears started to get irritated.

"K-Klaire--"

She stiffened when I shifted my gaze at her. Nakita ko ang sunod-sunod na paglunok niya at kung paano siya naging hindi komporable sa tingin na iyon.

Iniwas niya rin ang tingin sa akin at yumuko.

She didn't say anything more. I wasn't in the mood to lose my temper at hindi niya iyon gugustuhing makita.

Muli akong nagpatuloy sa paghakbang.

I was almost half to my destination nang magsimulang dumilim ang kalangitan. I thought it would take long bago bumuhos ang ulan, but I was quite surprised nang malakas iyong bumuhos.

I remained standing in my position because I didn't get wet.

"Pupunta ka ba sa bookshop?" I heard that voice behind me.

It took me seconds before I turned my back to look at him. He was holding an umbrella covering us from the rain.

Bahagaya itong ngumiti. "Ako rin."

He was familiar. I looked at his ID, hanging on his left chest, and I was right. It was him.

"Leave," I simply said.

Bahagya pa nitong inangat ang dalang payong. "You can take this. P'wede mong iuwi."

"I don't need it."

Nagpatuloy ako sa paghakbang ngunit hindi pa rin ako nabasa ng ulan dahil nagpatuloy din ito sa pagsunod sa akin.

Huminto ako at muling tumingin rito.

He also stopped and looked at me bago humakbang palabas sa silong ng payong. Ilang sandali lang pero basang-basa na ito ng ulan.

"I can give you space. Is this enough?" he asked, still holding that umbrella over my head.

I've never seen someone as stupid as him for doing that.

Muli akong nagpatuloy sa paghakbang. Nakikita ko pa rin ito sa gilid ng mata ko at hindi pa rin ako nababasa ng ulan dahil nagpatuloy iyo sa paghawak ng payong sa ulunan ko.

Hindi tumigil ang ulan hanggang sa makarating ako sa bookstore.

I headed to the first shelf. Hindi ko na pinansin ang paligid ko. I was checking a book in my hand when I absentmindedly looked at the door entrance.

He was there standing on the mat. Pinapagpag niya ang suot na damit at buhok kahit imposibleng matuyo iyon.

Tinanggal ko rin ang tingin rito and wandered around to look for more books.

As usual, I didn't even notice the time. I just informed my driver to pick me up dahil malakas pa rin ang ulan sa labas.

Lumipat ako ng shelf and stopped when I saw him. He was looking for books too habang nanginginig sa lamig.

Dumiretso ako roon dahil nasa section na iyon ang isa pang librong hinahanap ko.

Sinimulan kong tingnan ang mga libro doon and laid my fingers to some books to properly check each of it, making sure na hindi ko mami-miss ang hinahanap ko.

"Do you need help?" Maya-maya ay narinig ko muli ang tinig nito.

I didn't bother to look at him or even answer kahit pa alam kong ako ang kausap niya.

"Maybe I can help?"

I ignored him like I always do with other people.

I don't like him. I don't like them.

I don't need help.

"Sir Ri," tawag ng lalaki sa dulo ng shelf, "oras na po para umuwi."

Dalawa lang kami roon, sure enough, he was talking to him.

I gave my full attention sa librong nasa harap ko. Iyon na ang hinahanap ko. I was about to get it, but someone put a book on top of the books I was holding.

Binaling ko ang tingin sa kanya.

"That's a book full of facts. You might want to read it."

He smiled a little at me before he started walking away. Sumama siya sa lalaking tumawag sa kanya.

Sandali kong sinulyapan ang libro. I didn't put it back on the shelf because it was the book I was looking for. Kamukha lang ng librong nahanap ko.

I headed to the counter to pay for the books.

"Ms. Klaire, bayad na po itong isang libro," nakangiting sambit ng cashier habang nilalagay sa paper bag ang mga nabili ko.

"Paid?"

"Binayaran na po nu'ng poging matangkad kanina. Kaaalis lang po."

Wala sa loob na tumingin ako sa glass door na siyang entrance at exit. Ang nakita ko lang ay ang malakas pa rin na ulan sa labas.

"Ma'am, gusto niyo po bang paghiwalayin ko ng lalagyan?"

Muli akong bumaling rito. "No need."

"Okay po, ito po, ma'am. Maraming salamat po. Ingat po kayo ngayon. Malakas po ang ulan."

Kinuha ko ang paper bag mula sa kanya bago lumabas ng bookstore.

Sinalubong agad ako ni Mr. Gil para payungan ako papasok sa loob ng sasakyan.

"Ang lakas ng ulan, ma'am. Buti nasa bookstore na po kayo bago bumuhos. Sabihan niyo lang po ako kapag nakalimutan niyo pong magdala ng payong."

I remained looking outside the window. Pinagmasdan ko lang ang mga dumadaang sasakyan sa kabilang linya.

Nagtagal na kami ni Mang Gil sa daan because the rain caused too much traffic. I was starting to get bored.

Binuksan ko ang paper bag at kinuha mula roon ang mga libro.

Muli akong napatingin sa librong binigay nito bago ko iyon sinimulang buklatin and read the contents.

Nakakailang pages na rin ako nang makita ko ang maliit na papel na nakaipit sa sumunod na page.

Basa nang bahagya ang papel at nabasa din nang bahagya ang page ng libro.

Kinuha ko iyon at binasa ang nakasulat.

Zarin – means golden

Klaire – means bright

These are facts.

Now I know why it's hard not to look at you.

I continued to look at it for a while. Sinara ko ang libro at muling tumingin sa labas ng bintana.

Strangers are always weird.

I decided to attend the meeting of Dra. Salazar and tita Russ for the proposal. I came in late, more than thirty minutes.

Tita Russ smiled at me. "Take a seat, babe."

"Good morning, Ms. Sandoval," Dra. greeted me.

Umupo ako sa gilid ni tita Russ.

"So... Dra. Salazar and I have talked about a few things already. I really waited for you before seeing the proposal. Are you ready?"

"Go ahead."

Tumayo si Dra. Salazar sa harapan and started to discuss her proposal about how we could possibly maximize the help we can give to the student's mental state.

It took more than an hour.

Tita Russ nodded. "I like everything you said, but sounds expensive."

"That's the downside, Madame President. Kung tutuusin, hindi natin sila kailangang tutukan one by one dahil hindi naman mental institute itong university ninyo, ngunit kung mabibigyan ng pagkakataon, sa tingin ko ay magiging malaki ang maitutulong natin sa kanila."

"Well, mental health is really important to us. Some members of our family suffered from different mental issues as well. Klaire here knows that. The proposal looks perfect. I think we can give it a shot."

Napangiti agad si Dra. Salazar. "That would be great, Madame President."

"I want Klaire to be part of it and it should be considered as part of her training. Teach her what she has to know. She'll help with the pre-assessment of several students assigned to her."

Nabakas ko kaagad ang pagkadismaya sa mukha ni Dra. Salazar. "But Madame—"

"Yeah, I understand your concern. I've heard it earlier. Don't worry, being cold runs in our blood but it doesn't mean that we don't give a damn. Let's give her a chance. I trust her na kabisado niya at alam niya ang field niya. The pre-assessment will happen tomorrow, right? Guide her."

I chose to stay quiet. I didn't even have any idea na isasali nila ako sa plano na iyon. Dumadaan lang ako sa department to collect data or to know the situations for my own research. Wala akong planong makialam sa buhay ng kahit sino. I didn't care kung gusto na nilang magpakamatay.

"Kung iyon ho ang gusto ninyo, Madame President, wala pong magiging problema."

"Okay, good. Let's have a meeting again after the pre-assessment before executing the rest of the proposal. I believe kailangan natin itong pag-aralang mabuti. High profile ang mga estudyante rito. It might trigger conflict kapag nalaman nilang nagsasagawa tayo ng checking about their lives outside here without their knowledge."

"I agree with that, Madame President. Huwag po kayong mag-alala, iko-compile po agad namin ang data kapag natapos na namin ang buong department."

As per tita's instruction, they did a briefing and taught me of their process. Sinamahan nila ako sa unang dalawang araw and simply reported me dahil hindi ko sinusunod ang proseso nila.

The third day, sinamahan kami ni tita Russ at ito na mismo ang nag-utos na hayaan ako sa sarili kong proseso. Iniwan na nila ako sa mga sumunod na araw.

It was tiring, yet interesting.

It was the last day of the pre-assessment. Huling set na ng mga papel ang nakatambak sa ibabaw ng mesa ko.

Nilipat ko ang papel na laman ang biodata ng mga estudyante. Sandali akong napatigil pagkatapos kong basahin sa isip ko ang pangalan at matapos makita ang maliit na litrato sa kaliwang bahagi ng papel. Rithwell Pryce Arandia.

Naramdaman kong umupo ito sa silyang nasa harap ng mesa ko. May ngiti sa mga labi nito nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya.

"I didn't know na mas nakakakaba rito, kaysa sa President's office."

Kinuha ko ang folder niya at sinimulang basahin ang mga sagot niya sa questionnaire.

"How are you?" casual na tanong ko nang hindi ito tinitingnan.

"Okay lang, ikaw?"

Nilipat ko ang page at pinasadahan lang ng tingin ang mga naging sagot nito hanggang sa dulo.

"Why did you choose to take law?"

"That's what I want."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. "Do you want to be a politician?"

"No."

Tumaas ang isang kilay ko. "That's what you wrote here as your dream job."

"Yes."

"So?"

"Yes. Final answer."

"Tell me more about your family."

Sandali akong hindi nagsalita.

"I refuse to tell more. It's too personal."

Kumuha ako ng papel and started writing on it. "What about plans for the next five years?"

Hindi ko ito narinig na sumagot habang patuloy ako sa pagsusulat sa papel. Ilang sandali pa bago ito magsalita.

"You have a different set of questions, not like usual. Kung alam ko lang, nag-review sana ako."

Hindi ako sumagot at muling tumingin sa mga mata niya. "What do you hate the most?"

"Hindi mo ba hihingin 'yung sagot sa naunang tanong?"

"You've answered it."

"I didn't."

Hindi ko na iyon pinansin and continued to ask. "Where did you get that scar on your left hand covered by an arrow tattoo?"

Hindi nito tinanggal ang tingin sa akin pero nakita ko sa gilid ng mata kong binaba niya ang kamay niya sa ilalim ng mesa.

Mukhang hindi niya inaasahan na nahagip iyon ng mga mata ko the moment he sat on the chair in front of my table.

"I got it... got from an accident."

"What kind of accident? How and where exactly?"

Nakita ko ang pag galaw ng adams apple niya. "Do you still have to know?"

I again noted his answer. I accepted different forms of responses, including silence, unclear, indirect, and impulsive answers.

Hindi ko kailangang ulitin ang tanong ko.

"What about that one near your right eye?"

"I think that's irrelevant. I refuse to answer."

Tinuon ko na ang buong atensyon ko sa papel and continued to note. I attached it to the other paper in his folder pagkatapos ay sinulatan ko na ang slip na ibibigay ko sa kanya. Pinilas ko iyon pagkatapos at inabot sa kanya.

Tinabi ko ang folder niya at binuklat muli ang biodata ng iba pang estudyante.

"W-what's this?" he asked, "Why did you give me an invitation for the next assessment? Just because I refused to answer most of your irrelevant questions?"

Muli ko siyang diretsong tiningnan sa mga mata without any trace of emotions.

"Next."