At His Mercy

Pie and Midnight Confessions

**Adaline's POV**

Seven days ago, I had to leave my apartment, my comfort, and put my safety in the hands of a man I barely know. I left a job I absolutely loved and gave me a sense of fulfillment in my life, because my past was never going to stop chasing me. After all these years, the demons I run from are catching up and I am terrified. I once thought I would face my problems, stop running and demand to be left alone, but it was a lie. A very nice lie that I wrapped up in false bravado and determination so it would be easier for me to believe. No, when my past came knocking, I had to run. Because I would not just face one man, I would face a judicial system designed to f**k me over.

Now I'm in this mansion with a man my body craves and my heart yearns for, but my mind and my experience keep me from being able to trust him. I know he would be the one to truly shatter me, the one that would take down these walls and make me feel secure and strong. Then it would all be gone in a blink of an eye, and I would be left hollow and cold. Forever feeling weak and pathetic. Because pain is inevitable, people leave all the time. I know without a doubt that if he knew everything, knew all my secrets and knew my demons by name, I would become one of his demons and he would run for the hills. Except I wouldn't chase him. I'd let him go because he doesn't deserve someone broken and used like me. Someone with nothing to give in return.

Sure, I know I deserve to be free from all the anguish and fear, but that doesn't mean I deserve a happily ever after. I've still committed such great sins that God himself probably shakes his head at me, wondering what went wrong with me. There was a time I was angry with God, a time that I hated Him. I prayed for help, I prayed and cried for it all to stop, but it never did. When I was at my lowest, I had never cried so hard, screamed so loud for Him, but He was nowhere. I was alone, and that is when I accepted that I could depend on no one. I had to save myself, be strong for myself, and make s**t happen on my own. God and I are still not on the best of terms, but I am no longer angry. There is no more hate or resentment. I have to understand that these are my battles and God cannot carry me like a broken bird, I have to live my life on my own. He has given me the tools to make a good life, it is up to me to learn how to wield them. I haven't prayed in forever, and I find myself needing His guidance, though I am unsure if I have ever received it before.

With my mind occupied on thoughts of God and if it is time for me to restore my relationship with Him, I clean and clean and clean. Like Enar deduced correctly, I like to clean and organize because it gives me a sense of control. Doing things my way puts my anxiety at ease, and helps me settle in comfortably in my surroundings. If I didn't do this, I would always be on edge and I refused to live that way since I had no idea how long I was going to be here. I sighed, dusting the wooden shelf hanging on the wall. It holds small trinkets and picture frames. I study the pictures and feel the familiar sting of jealousy. I wish I could have had a family like this. A family that had so much love.

"That was taken at my parent's ten-year anniversary party." Enar startled me. He had been gone all day, I had no idea he had returned. "I was just a year old when that picture was taken." I studied the photograph again and saw a young boy sitting in his mother's lap, smiling but looking empty in his eyes. "My brother, Viggo, was turning nine that year. He wasn't too happy with my arrival and would constantly make that known."

"Your parents look very much in love." I commented, setting the picture back down in its place. "How long were they married for?"

A very sad, haunted look crossed his eyes and I felt my chest contrict. Why did I care if he looked to be in pain? Why is he affecting me this way? Stupid heart. "Thirty years. They died last summer, and I swear they never stopped looking at each other the same way they did in their wedding pictures." He pointed to a picture hanging on the wall of his parents, young and lively on their wedding day. "On their one year anniversary, my mother told my father she was pregnant with Viggo. I am sure I have that tape around here somewhere." He laughed. "My mother was the type of woman that always took pictures and videos, never wanting to miss a moment."

My mother was the type to run off with another man. Leaving her three kids behind with broken hearts and unanswered questions. I blinked away the bitter tears and continued my task of cleaning. I could feel Enar's stare on me, and again he was making me uncomfortable. I always felt uneasy around him, never sure if he could read me as well as his grandmother does. For him to peel back the layers of who I am, would be the end of everything. He could never know of my depressing past, it would be too much and I couldn't bear another person looking at me with such pity. Or worse, to look at me like they despised me...

"Dinner will be ready at six." I told him without looking his way. "You have time to go shower and wash off the day. Mrs. Maye is out in the garden, I'll let her know it's time to come in."

"I'll tell her." He stepped in front of me, blocking my way to the back door. "How has she been since she came back?"

I couldn't help but smile. Mrs. Maye has been amazing as usual. She still asks me uncomfortable questions about my past, which I refuse to answer, but other than that, she's really sweet. I've seen Enar look at us with wide eyes when he sees us talking and laughing. Usually in French, because it's fun to make him think we are talking about him. Mrs. Maye talks to everyone with such tolerance, but not me. And even though she can speak in a way that intimidates you and makes you question if she has ever known an once of love, I can see in her eyes she is full of love. She just wanted her grandsons to be strong.

"She's fantastic." I answered simply and finished the little bit of cleaning I had left in the cozy living area.

Enar went out to get his grandmother while I checked on the pie in the oven. It smelt delicious and I was so excited for Maye to try it. It was her recipe and I hoped I got it right. The Ratatoulle smelt even better than the dish I had in a famous restaurant back in France. That small memory made my heart break all over again, and sadly, I lost my appetite. Once my favorite food, and now it is a painful memory of happier times that came to a dead stop. I served Mrs. Maye and Enar, pulled the pie from the oven, and began to clean up and pack away the leftovers.

"Where is your plate, dear?" Maye asked.

"I feel a little nauseous. I'll eat something lighter when my stomach settles." I lied and she saw right through it, but thankfully, she said nothing. "There is pie as well. Cherry." I smiled.

Mrs. Maye's face fell when she saw the familiar index card on the counter with her recipe that I followed to the t. "That was Henry's favorite pie." A tear glistened in her eye. "I haven't made it since he died."

She then slowly stood up and walked towards her room. "Nana-" Enar called after her but she dismissed him with a slight wave of her hand without sparing him a glance. "Nana, please-" She shut her door quietly and locked it. I felt so horrible. I had no idea. I just wanted to surprise her and hopefully get some more recipes from her. "Just leave her be. She hasn't spoken much of my grandfather since he died almost twenty years ago."

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I didn't know. I found the index card in one of the drawers when I was cleaning and-"

"It's okay. I know you would never intentionally upset her. I see how fast you two became friends." Enar sat at the island and said a silent prayer before taking his first bite. I watched as his jaw clenched and he closed his eyes. "Dammit woman, you're going to kill me one day." He chuckled and took another huge bite. "I've been to France and tried their food, they have nothing on you."

Receiving a compliment from him wasn't that big of a deal, it's how I felt receiving that compliment. I felt giddy, pleased, relieved. I didn't even know that I was worried about whether he liked it or not. But knowing he did, made me feel like a teenager getting a smile from her first crush. It's stupid and caught me completely off guard. I pushed away the feeling, and focused on my current task of washing the pots and pans. Enar and I sat in a comfortable silence, he had three servings, and ate far too much to enjoy the pie. But when he was finished he didn't leave. He sat at the island like he does every night, and just watches me as I clean.

"Are you ever going to tell me why you stare?" I asked without turning to look at him over my shoulder. "I can feel you staring at me, and I have no idea what you are thinking."

"Do you want to know why I stare or what am I thinking?" He asked. I answered 'both' but he said no. "Which one?" I settled for what he was thinking when he stared at me. "I'm thinking of what I can do to get you to trust me." I tensed at his words. "Even as just a professional relationship, I want to protect and help you. It's hard to do that when I have no idea what is going on. I know you aren't going to tell me, so I am wondering what I can do to make you trust me so you can trust that I can take all that fear away."

"I want my fear." I whispered, admitting out loud what I would never dare say before.

"Why?"

I finished the last dish and turned around to face him while drying my hands. "Because it keeps me smart. Keep some from making mistakes." I took a deep breath and continued to spill my guts, no matter how stupid I felt about it. "Keeps me from going after what I want because I know the ending outcome."

His brows furrowed in confusion and then relaxed in realization. "You want-"

"Things I shouldn't want. Things that I don't deserve."

"You deserve everything great in life, Adaline. Why is that hard for you to see?"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew everything," I whispered. We stared at each other for a moment and I decided that I had enough. Even letting him know that little bit was suffocating me. "Pie is cooling down if you are up for some later. I'll be in my room."

"Adaline, why do you have to walk away when we are finally talking?"

"Because you are my employer, nothing more." I snapped colder than I intended, but I could see I was finally getting my point across. I hated being so hot and cold with him, but I couldn't stop. He has me confused and at war with myself. It is most unsettling. "Good night, Mr. Hellstrom."

I've always called him by his first name, but if I wanted to really establish a professional relationship, I felt it was necessary to call him Mr. Hellstrom. When I passed Mrs. Maye's room, I was heartbroken to hear her sobbing softly. I wish I had just asked before making the pie. She has been such a sweet heart through all of this, and my intention was to say thank you but it back fired. I sighed sadly and walked up the stairs to my room. I decided on a hot shower, wishing the hot water would burn away all the scars and imperfections no one saw. I wish it burned away and cleansed me of my sins. But no matter how much I scrubbed, I could never feel truly clean.

After a small panic attack from scrubbing and scrubbing, I calmed myself down and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped my hair up and dressed in my overly baggy sweats and long sleeve shirt. My comfort clothes when I needed to feel cocooned and covered. I slipped on my slippers and walked out to the balcony. The sun was setting and there was a beautiful glow in the sky. It was relaxing and lifted my mood a great deal. I settled in one of the lounge chairs, pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin at the top of my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. I just sat and stared at the sky, letting my mind go blank for the first time in forever. It was therapeutic to stop worrying constantly and just take a minute to breathe. Who knows when I will be able to have a moment like this to myself again?

I felt him before I heard him. His eyes were always on me, studying me. I didn't hear his door open, so he must just be watching though the glass. I sighed and turned my head to stare back at him. "You're stalking is starting to become worrisome."

A small smile crossed his face, then he opened the door and joined me on the balcony. He leaned against the railing in front of me and crossed one ankle over the other. "Is it stalking if I live here too?"

"Debateable." I shrugged.

We stared at one another, and the longer we did, the more I felt the walls crumble. It was effortless for him and I wonder if he even knew that he was doing it. My lips parted and I sighed. With him so far away, I started to feel cold, but I couldn't cross that line because it would change everything. Ruin it all. He finally looked away, glancing at the floor and shaking his head. His thoughts were obvious this time. Enar wanted me but would never push me.

"Adaline, how the hell am I going to stay away from you?" He whispered.

"You have to. We would just ruin each other."

"How can you think that?" He sounded offended, which was not my intention, but I wouldn't apologize because whether he knew it or not, I was right. "Adaline, I wish I could make you see what I see."

Enar slowly walked back to his room and closed the door quietly. I wished I could see what he saw too. Because I know when I look in the mirror all I see is someone who is barely surviving through the nightmares, through the triggers. Someone who is putting bandaids over bullet wounds, hoping I can help the immense damage already done. I'm just all f****d up inside, and I must be doing a pretty damn good job at hiding it if that is not what he sees when he looks at me. I'm s**t, nothing. And I'm afraid if I pull the mask off, he will see all of that and hate me for it like I hate myself.

I sat outside until the moon was at its highest and the stars were shining so bright. I felt the exhaustion taking over my body and knew I should crawl into bed. But I was afraid to close my eyes, I didn't want to have another nightmare. Almost every night I have had one, and each time I do, Enar is there to chase them away. He saves me. Can I let him save me in every aspect? NO. I immediately shut down the idea. I have to stay focused, I have to stay detached and closed off.

I decided to stay up a while longer and go and see if I could manage to eat something. As I walked down the stairs, I heard some movement in the kitchen. I was ready to go back to my room, not wanting another confrontation with Enar, but I stopped when I heard incoherent whispers. I slowly creeped down the stairs and listened as hard as I could.

"I miss you, Henry." Mrs. Maye sighed. "I wish you were here, you would know what to do about these boys." I could hear the worry and love in her voice. "You'd have loved this pie," she chuckled. "Would have loved Adaline." My heart swelled at her kind sentiment, and I was over the moon that she was trying the pie.

With a deep breath, I continued down the stairs and around the corner to the kitchen. "Spoiling your dinner, I see." I joked and she froze, fork midair. The scene in front of me was very amusing. Like a child getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I sat across from her at the island and rested my chin in my hand. "You like the pie?"

Mrs. Maye smiled and looked down, sighing. "It's amazing. I think it actually came out better than my own." We both chuckled and she looked up at me. Again, she saw through my mask and I felt so exposed. "Tell me Adaline, why are you so afraid to trust people again?"

"Because every time I did, I was proven I shouldn't have." I answered without hesitation. "I can't do it again. I have no more left in me."

"You were trusting the wrong people."

"And why should I trust you? Why should I trust Enar? If you both knew the truth-"

"When I was fifteen, my family tried to force me to marry a man." Mrs. Maye interrupted me. I saw her pain surface in her eyes. I have never seen her look so small, vulnerable. "I met Henry when I was trying to run away. I ducked into a tavern, sheltering from the rain, and he was there with friends having a drink. He told me he saw I was running and he wanted to help me. When I had told him I was being paid to be a wife, he was angry. His family attempted to do the same for him. We bonded that night. I had my first beer." She smiled at the memory and a happy tear fell from her eyes. "The next morning we went to my family, and Henry declared me his fiance. We left home with nothing and built everything from the ground up." I listened and fell in love with her love story. Two hearts going through pain and healing one another. "We all have our demons, Adaline. It is up to us to decide what we do about them. You can run from them, push them aside and ignore that they are there. Or, you can square your shoulders and face it. But you will not be able to run forever."

I took a deep breath, and slowly put down the mask. I felt in my heart that I could trust Maye, that she would see everything and not judge me. That she could be the person I need to slowly start putting my past behind me and hopefully leave it there. I opened my mouth and spilled. The words came faster than my tears, and for the first time in my life I was talking about my traumas, my pain and scars. I was opening up to someone and it felt freeing. I felt like I had the world lifted off of my shoulders, and I could breathe again. I felt like myself for the first time in years.

Maye hurried from her chair and wrapped her arms around me. "You are much stronger than I could have ever imagined. You're going to be okay. I promise you."