At His Mercy

A Moment

**Enar's POV**

I have never met a more challenging woman in all my years. I can see what she wants, see her fighting herself. I understand the why, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. How can a person be within your reach yet so far away? It is so hard trying to give her the space she asks for, but what else am I to do? I cannot chase a woman who keeps giving me mixed signals. It isn't fair to either one of us. Maybe with time we can be more than this mess, more than this confusion. I just have to practice patience, though that idea is foreign to me.

For the past two weeks, I have seen a change in her. She isn't walking with the weight of the world on her shoulders, and she isn't as tense as she was before. A small smirk plays at the corners of her lips, stressfree and dare I think it... happy? Even my Nana Maye has been humming to herself, and I can't remember a time I have heard her hum. What is going on with the women in my house?

We have caught glimpses of each other around the corners and in the hall. A part of me thinks she wants me to chase her, to keep trying to show her I care. Maybe that is what she needs, someone to not give up when she is pushing them away. But that also means treading carefully on what she says she wants and knowing what she may truly want. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but these mixed signals are confusing. I don't want to push her away, but I want her to know I'm here when she's ready.

I walk through the living room, feeling like I am interrupting something when they both turn to me and get strangely quiet. Do I make them uncomfortable in their newfound peace? I hate feeling like the odd one out, but I don't want things to go back to sulking and knife cutting tension in the air. We exchanged pleasantries and sat down for breakfast. Adaline made biscuits and gravy with scrambled eggs and freshly squeezed orange juice. We ate and conversated over small things such as the weather and plans for the upcoming weekend.

"We need to take you to get you more clothes." I spoke to Adaline after Nana Maye cleared her plate and went to sit in the garden to read. "You have been here almost a month and I have seen you wear the same things at least two to three times in a week."

"It's called a washer and detergent. I'm fine, I don't need much." Adaline shrugged and started to wash the dishes. "Besides, I don't think I should go walking around in public with people looking for me."

"Well here," I slid her my credit card. "Online shop if that would make you more comfortable."

She slid the card back to me and shook her head no. "I said I'm fine."

"Either you get what you need or I will. I looked over her body and smiled. "I could think of a few things I would like to see you in." She snatched the card off the counter and mumbled under her breath about me being a s*x crazed pervert. "I was thinking a nice evening gown, but I like where your mind is as well." I laughed as I placed my plate in the sink. We were so close I could smell her shampoo and see the goosebumps race across her skin. "I'll be in my office."

Two weeks I had kept my distance, and this little contact in the kitchen was the highlight of the time that had passed. So close to touching her, but never close enough. As I entered my office and shut the door, I tried to focus on my business. Viggo doesn't know it yet, but his days in charge are numbered. I have been gathering evidence since I have been home to show that he is no good for the family business if we wanted to have a future. With the way things are going, in five years we could be in debt and possibly declaring bankruptcy. How can my brother be letting things get this bad this quickly? I am so sick of saving his ass time and time again. I just hope he will either change his ways, or let me take over.

Throughout the years of learning the business from my father by his side, I have made some friends, associates that believe in my ability to take this company to another level, to take the family business higher and make it even more successful than my father had. We strive to always outdo ourselves, to never stop building and improving. Father always said there is no such thing as reaching too high, as long as you watch who you might be stepping on in the process.

A little while later, there was a knock on the door. "Come in." I called out without looking up from the piles of paperwork my brother neglected.

"I just wanted to give this back to you." Adaline spoke as she walked into my office. She slid my credit card across the desk, accidentally giving me a slight view of her cleavage. I swallowed hard and tried to remember how to breathe. "I got myself a few things. They will be delivered in about three days." I smiled tightly at her and placed the card back into my wallet. "Are you hungry? You haven't been out of the office and you missed lunch."

I looked at the clock and saw that it was already nearing two in the afternoon. If it wasn't for Adaline, I would work through dinner and never even stop for a break or food. "I didn't even realize it. I'll come grab something in a minute."

"There are leftovers from the chicken salad sandwiches I made for Maye. I can bring you that on a fresh sub." She offered with a small smile. Finally, a genuine smile. I can't wait to see how bright her smile is when she really starts feeling comfortable here with me. I nodded and she turned on her heel. "Be right back."

Adaline returned in about five minutes with two plates on a tray and drinks. I hurriedly stood up and helped her with it, as I could see that she was shaking slightly. "You're going to have lunch with me?" I asked as she sat down on the couch along the wall of my office. I set the tray on the coffee table in front of her and she started to set things up.

"Is that okay?" She furrowed her brows in confusion. "I missed lunch as well. I was trying to finish the laundry or it would have sat on the couch in a pile." A small sound came from her that made me feel warm inside. She giggled. "I like to clean and organize, but I loathe laundry."

I didn't say anything. Didn't know what to say. It seemed every time I ever opened my mouth I was making her uncomfortable or almost pushing her to accept me. I don't want to do that anymore. I want her, but I want her to want me the same and on her own. She looked up from under her lashes and smiled tightly. Things were going to get awkward if I didn't try to at least learn how to have a normal conversation with her without it meaning more.

"When I was little, my mother would be on the couch folding laundry," I smiled at the fond memory that came to mind. "I loved how the clothes felt after they were fresh out of the dryer. When she would get up to do something or be focused on whatever show she was watching, I would carefully hide under the pile of clothes and try not to laugh so I could scare her when she would finally find me." Adaline laughed, really laughed. "Viggo never thought it funny, he thought it was childish but I was like four. Of course it was fun for me."

"I can't imagine you as a goofy four-year-old." She smiled, her eyes having more life in them. More freedom. What is this change? " I'm going to have to ask Maye to show me some baby pictures."

"Oh, God. Kill me if she starts pulling out the baby bath ones." We both laughed as we sat next to each other and started to eat our lunches. The food was good, simple but filling. "Your cooking reminds me of my mom."

"In what way?"

"It's comforting. It's really good, but you can also tell when someone cooks with care, and you do that every time." I looked up at her and saw a slight blush creep up on her cheeks. "You do this often with me," I reached up to caress her cheek, but again she flinched away. "You also do that." I whispered.

We sat in silence, and I felt the air change between us. I hate that I ruin a perfectly good moment between us. It's confusing that she seems to like being rough handled, but cannot bear to be caressed in a sweet way. I want to ask, but know that I would never get an answer. I sigh, hoping that we can get back to a normal conversation, so I ponder my brain on what to ask but come up with nothing. Anything I am curious to know about her is probably linked to her past and I know she isn't ready to open up to me just yet.

"What do you like to do for fun, Adaline?" I asked the most basic question, but still an important one. "I know staying in this house just cleaning and carrying for Nana Maye will eventually drive you crazy, so what can I do to help you enjoy living here?"

She purses her lips to the side for a moment, thinking, but just shrugs her shoulders. "Honestly, I don't know. I didn't grow up in the best environment, so I never did sports or vacations. I don't even know how to swim or ride a bike." She started to pick at her food, embarrassed. "All I know how to do is work and survive."

There she is. Her mask fell slightly and she isn't picking it right back up. A small window of vulnerability, but I am not going to push my luck and make her uncomfortable by prying. "I'd love to teach you, if you let me." I offered with a small smile. She looked up at me, and immediately the mask was back. That's okay, I'm just happy I saw a little bit of her sadness so I can help take it away. "I can teach you a lot, and if I can't do it, I'll find the best so you can learn. Anything, just ask."

Without hesitation she answers, and I wasn't expecting it. "Can you teach me how to shoot and how to fight?"

Out of all the fun things in the world, she wants to be able to protect herself. That thought saddens me. Even when she is secure here, she still feels the need to never be caught off guard. I respect that though. I agree that I can teach her. I started shooting when I was six and boxing since I was five. Of course, we are going to have to do some strengthening exercises before we get to that. She has to have endurance to last in a fight, and strength to have power when she attacks. I'll make it happen.

"But on one condition." She arches her brow at me when I add a stipulation. "You have to pick something else, something fun. Swimming, bike riding, horse riding, anything that you will enjoy."

"I guess we can start with swimming." Start with swimming. I like that. It means there is more that she wants to do!

For the rest of lunch, we chatted about a schedule so neither one of us got behind in our work. After lunch is done, she picks up our plates and piles them back on the tray. I open the door for her and watch her as she walks through the hall down to the kitchen. I'm proud of the little moment we had in the office, excited that I am able to start erasing her pain and replacing it with happiness. Maybe this will help her see that I would never hurt her. Even if she could never love me, I would still want to give her everything as a friend because I know she has been through enough. It's her turn to be safe and happy and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure it happens.

**Adaline's POV**

It's so hard to be next to him. I have always had to fight to let my mask down slightly, but I have never had to fight to keep it on. In his office, I stopped fighting for a moment and just let myself be seen. He did the opposite of what I expected, and it made me feel good. Like he can see that part of me, and not try to dive into all of my secrets. Enar didn't start asking questions or make me feel weak. Enar offered to teach me things that would bring me happiness, but, of course, I'd rather learn things that would keep me safe. I'm eager for our lessons, both shooting and swimming. However, there is one issue I forgot about..

My scars. If he is going to teach me to swim, I need to find something to wear that will hide the scars. I don't think I will ever be ready for him to see those. They are so disgusting and embarrassing. From a time, I sought comfort in causing myself pain. It was stupid of me, but it was better than the drugs. So much ugliness and darkness in my past, and it haunts me to this day.

I try my best not to cry as I wash the dishes. Thinking about my life and wondering how it all went to s**t, about how I ended up here. People love to say 'things happen for a reason'. Or the one I hate the most is 'God has a plan'. No. I can't accept that the life I have survived was a part of God's plan, because that would just be f*****g cruel.

After finishing the dishes, I take a deep breath and calm myself down. I can't let myself slip into that anger or it will be almost impossible to get out of it. I always feel better around Maye, so I find her in her room reading and plop down on the floor in front of her, lay on my back and spread out my arms and legs.

"What's on your mind?" She closes her book and takes off her reading glasses.

"Do you believe in God?"

"Yes. I was raised with strong religious views, as were my children and grandchildren. Though I believe Viggo is a demon spawn." We both chuckle. I have learned a little about Enar and his brother, but one thing is for sure: sadly, they never grew up close. "Why do you ask?"

Maye knows almost everything I have faced and survived. I never go into details about anything, but she knows enough to understand why I am so guarded and afraid. She knows enough to talk me through it and help me get a better perspective on my life. On myself. I open up about how I went through a phase of being angry at God, and even though I know better now, I still feel so much anger. I feel pain as well, but the anger gets so overwhelming that I start to lose who I have become. I can't go backwards. On one occasion, I surrendered to my anger, thinking if I let myself feel it would get better. I was never more wrong in my life. That can never happen again.

As I lay there on the floor, staring up at the ceiling while I bare my soul and thoughts, I couldn't help but think how far I have come from my short time of being here. Sure, I am still very guarded around Enar, but I have never talked to anyone like I talk to Maye. I promised myself to never let people get close to me so as to avoid the pain of loss if they ever leave me, but I know Maye would never abandon me. I liked Dalia, but I don't think the friendship I had with her was ever going to get on a deeper level like I am getting with Maye. Dalia. I need to call her soon and arrange the next rent p*****t.

"It is natural for someone who has been through the crazy s**t you have endured to want to place the blame on someone or something. At first, you blamed yourself. Thinking you asked for it somehow. That is why you would hurt yourself, to punish yourself. Then, when the anger and pain still seemed to be too much, you blamed God. Throwing your anger at Him made you feel slightly better because, of course, God cannot come down here and prove you wrong that very minute. But you have to realize something. It is not your fault and it is not God's fault. You feel so angry because you have not found closure, and, sweetheart, only you can give yourself that closure."

I never thought about it the way Maye was explaining it. "How can I find closure? I can't just walk up to them and ask them 'why'?"

"It isn't about asking 'why' and hopefully getting an answer. It is about accepting the traumas, and releasing them. It is about realizing the biggest truth. The one's who hurt you are the ones responsible. Not you, not God. Not even the devil, because even though there is temptation, we make our own choices. Those people chose to hurt you and sadly there isn't anything you can do to change it, but you can decide that you're going to have a better future. Look forward, sweetheart, and see how far you've come. Be proud of yourself for still choosing to fight to live."

Accept my traumas and release them. I have been trying for about twelve years and everytime I think I am close to doing better, the nightmares come back to remind me of all the pain. But maybe it is because I have not released the pain that I keep feeling. Maybe the sad truth is that I am always going to feel it, but perhaps I just have to learn how to endure and change that pain. So many 'maybes', but I am closer to being okay again than ever before. I thanked Maye for her advice and perspective and decided I needed to be alone for a while with my thoughts. I left her to her reading, and decided to go to the garden where Maye has her own swing amongst the flowers and fountains. It's peaceful there and I find the sound of the water and the wind make me feel better.

I inhale deep and exhale for longer. Trying to picture my pain as air, and breathing it out. It helps relax me and sometimes I feel less stressed. The wind is slight today but it feels good on my skin and face. The flowers are beautiful and there are birds chirping near by. Its a good place to try and do as Maye says, accepting the traumas. Accepting them and releasing them by realizing it wasn't my fault.

"It wasn't my fault," I whispered to myself. I felt my heart clinch uncomfortably as the memories flooded into my mind. I allowed the tears to fall instead of holding them in. I don't want to feel like this, but I need to. "It wasn't my fault. It was not my fault." I repeated a little louder. "It was unbearable and cruel, but I lived through it, I survived it and I am still fighting to be free. I am strong and kind, and despite all the pain and anger, I try my best to be a good f*****g person. They didn't win because I did not become them. I am better than them." This isn't the first time I have said or thought these things, but it is the first time that I truly believe them. It is the first time that the pain is ebbing away slightly. "I'm going to be okay. It's going to be okay."

I turned and there he is like always. Enar.

I took a deep breath and watched him walk closer. A look of determination as he approached me. "That's it, Adaline, I can't do this anymore. I have been keeping my distance trying to be patient, but I can't stay away from you, especially when I see you like this." He waved his hand over me, gesturing to my disheveled state. "I hate seeing you in pain, I want to fix it, I want to take it all away."

Enar reached to caress me and instinctively I pulled away. He used to caress me that way and I can't stand to be touched like that again. Then Enar shocked me when he wrapped his hand around my throat and pulled me from the swing. It didn't hurt and it wasn't too much, but dammit it did things to me. Things it shouldn't have. I should feel ashamed, but it felt so right. A little moan left between my lips and his pupils dialated. He looked like a hungry predator, like a man starved in the desert, and I was a buffet. His eyes locked on my lips and his breathing changed. I wanted to kiss him, badly. So, I did.