Breaking Her Rule (Jonas Lei & Kaitie Carina Story)

Chapter 19

Me: What do you mean you can't?

Jonas Angcaya: I can't be with you.

I was hoping I could cry these frustrations out but I was too furious to do so. I get it, may mali ako. I chose Inigo over him last night. But my options weren't that pretty.

Kahit naman ayaw kong umalis, may morals will come hit me straight on my freaking face. Hindi ko kayang balewalain na mag-isa si Inigo kagabi at walang nag-aasikaso sa kanya.

Given that I opted to call his family instead, aabutin pa rin ng oras bago sila makarating sa ospital dahil outside Vigan City area na sila.

I want to rile him. Agitate him. Fücking see him splinter while I demand answers to his obnoxious behavior. Kaso wala ako sa lugar. Wala akong karapatan ipagpilitan na sagutin niya ang mga tanong na gusto kong ihampas sa pagmumukha niya.

"Lyn, ikaw na muna ang bahala dito."

Agad naman kumaripas si Roselyn sa harap ng bukas na pinto ng opisina ko. I must be emitting a not so approachable aura since no one dared to trade jokes with me like they usually do.

"Opo, ma'am. Anong oras ka babalik?"

"Baka gabi na. You can close the shop kahit wala pa ako. Pakidaan din kay Arvin sa coffee shop ang mga dukumento, napirmahan ko na lahat ang mga 'to." Bilin ko.

I saw her nodding her head before scuttling away. I sighed and glanced at my phone. He didn't contact me after that message. Meaning, he really decide an abrupt end to whatever we have. Ayoko na sanang isipin, kasi masakit ang biglang pagsikip ng dibdib ko sa tuwing naaalala ko. He discarded me that easily.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Sulking won't do me any better. Maybe, I should tend to concentrate on the brighter side. That him leaving is actually good riddance.

I scoffed at my own remarked almost instantly. Good riddance my äss, Kaitie Carina.

Giving one last look at my phone. I blocked his number and went on with my swamped schedule.

I have underestimated my own mind when I said that letting myself get absorbed with my job will scatter the disintegrate all my thoughts concerning Jonas.

Because no, my damn stubborn mind kept in hurling our memories at me, giving me a whiplash of emotions. Which is infuriating because to be honest, we haven't known each other for that long. Making these abhorrent recall too overpowering.

Kaya di na ako nagtaka, pagkatapos ng debut na event ko, pagod na pagod ako't hinang-hina ang katawan ko. Katatakbo sa venue para siguraduhing okay ang lahat, pakikipag-usap sa mga taong pinapakilala sa'kin ng magulang ng debutante - since I leaving for referrals, and of course, fighting the nagging part of my brain that shouts 'unblock his number.'

Balak kong dumiretso ng uwi kaagad sa bahay pagkatapos ng party, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong nagmamaneho pabalik ng shop.

Hindi na dapat ako nagulantang ng napansin kong may naka-park na pamilyar na BMW sa dapat na lugar ng sasakyan ko at nakita ang bulto ng isang lalaking naka-sandal doon. However, a gasp still escaped my mouth. I slowed down and thought about maneuvering the other way.

Kaso nakita ko ang pinagtingala niya at alam kong huli na ang lahat para mag-back out. Tapping on my fight or flight response, my brain picked fight. Sa bagay kailangan ko rin ang paliwanag niya para manahimik na itong utak ko. At kung nandirito na siya at buong loob niyang ibibigay sa'kin 'yon. Might as well bite the oppurtunity.

I parked one space away from his car. I peered at him and his face looks headful at the same time, afraid. He waited for me to exit my car before he took his steps to get close to me.

Aabutin pa lang niya ako para sa isang yakap pero mabilis ko siyang pinigilan gamit ang mga kamay ko. Ma-di-distract lang ako kapag hinayaan ko siya. As much as I ache for his satisfying and warm hugs, I can't afford that right now.

Hindi siya pwedeng basta-basta na lang aalis tapos babalik at aakap sa'kin na para bang walang nangyari.

Alarmed was the first thing that registered on his handsome face. His caramel colored eyes, dilating and I saw how dread is mixing the color into something close to black.

"Galing ako sa inyo kaninang umaga. Kaso sabi ni Tita Keira maaga ka raw umalis. Nang makarating ako rito, sabi ni Roselyn nasa isa ka sa mga events mo. I can't contact you as well."

His voice was soft yet assertive. Clearly, clamoring for an answer as to I wasn't at his disposal since this morning. Bagaman talaga namang sasagutin ko siya. Kung may mauna mang magsasabi kung anong nangyayari, sisiguraduhin kong siya 'yon.

Pinili kong manahimik dahil alam kung dudugtungan niya ang sasabihin niya base sa kung paano niya ako titigan at pagmasdan, at hindi nga ako nabigo ng magsalita siya, "I have to tell you something, baby." I gave him a once over and saw his nervous. Picking that I fired up my first question.

"Bakit ka nandito, Jonas?" Pagalit kong saad. Hindi ko hahayaang mas pangibabawan ako ng nararamdaman ko.

He winced at the tone of my voice. "What do you mean? I'm here because you're here, baby."

"WOW! Kahit kagabi sinabi mo lang na hindi mo na kaya?" Singhal ko.

I was hoping I can masked my pain, pero tang-ina, I can taste it coating my words.

"Huh? I said no such thing."

I give it to him, he looks sincere when he immediately spat his reply. He's utterly confused, his brows pulled together, his lips pressed thinly, and his eyes drilling on mine.

I dismissed him with my hands. "Wala akong oras para sa mga walang kwenta mong laro, Jonas. Your message last night was like the bat signal, only instead of you wanting me to get you, you wanted me away from you. So stop this bullsh!t. I'm doing you a goddamn favor by staying the hell away from you."

Umikot na ako para ma-unlock ang main door ng shop pero mabilis niyang nahawi ang braso ko para pigilan ako. The contact make me shiver. My body is freaking traitor!

"Anong message? Wala akong sinend na ganoong message sa'yo kagabi."

Nanlilisik ang mga mata kong tumitig sa kanya, pursadong makawala sa mga pagkakahawak sa'kin. "How long are you going to pull this act, Jonas? You're fücking full of sh!t, you know that? Ang galing-galing mong magpa-ikot ng babae. And God, I'm so stupid for letting you wrap me around your finger."

My words seen to dug at him deep because he was frozen stiff on his feet. Nakatitig lang siya sa'kin. I grabbed the chance to unlatch the lock on my shop's door and retreat inside.

Isasara ko na sana ang pinto ngunit mabilis niya na isingit ang sapatos niya para pigilan 'yon. My eyes landed at his shoe cladded feet before I travelled up and saw his eyes on fire.

He seized the edge of my glass door and forced his way in. I didn't put much fight. Like I said, if he wants to talk now so be it.

"Don't accuse me of playing you, Kaitie. Because you know damn well that isn't the case between you and me." He gritted. His voice intense and full vehement.

I was fuelled with so much anger that I don't feel an once to cower. I stood tall and glowered at him. He was flexing and unflexing his hands and I saw how hard he's doing just to put a leash on his fury.

"Okay, sige. Since, pinaglalaban mo na wala kang alam, heto, ebidensiya. Basahin mong mabuti para alam mo kung ano ang pinagsasabi ko." I whipped my phone out of my pocket and scrolled like a psycho.

When I found our thread of messages, I clicked open propelled the gadget to his face. He have to catch my hand mid-air since I fully intend of smacking him with it.

He still looks grim as he snatch my phone away from me. Unti-unti 'yong galit na nakaguhit sa guwapo niyang mukha ay napalitan ng pagkalito, saka pumasok ang takot.

Ilang beses niyang pinaglaro ang tingin niya roon at sa akin. I hear him hissing profanities before he started pacing in agitation. He's going hysterical as he rake his fingers on his hair, muttering words to himself.

Pati ako nagsimulang makaramdam ng kaba dahil sa biglang pagbago ng inaasal niya.

"J-Jonas? Are you okay?"

He swiped his gaze to me, his eyes delirious. I was about to asked again but he shocked me when he suddenly moved and knelt in front of me. He hugged my thighs so tight, compelling it to be pressed together. With his height, his head ended just below my chest. My fear and anxiety soared.

"Jonas?"

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry." Halos di ko marinig ang pabulong niyang paghingi ng sorry. I felt my shirt getting damped and by the shuddering of his shoulders, there's no mistaking his crying.

I combed his hair with my both hands, hoping it will help him calm down, "Jonas, what happened?"

"I'm sorry. I f****d up so bad. I'm sorry."

Nagsimula na akong maguluhan at manginig sa inaakto niya. I repine to know what made him fall on his kness and cry helplessly. The fear his radiating is heavy and gut wrenching. I can feel it physically crushing my chest.

"Jonas? Hindi ko maiintindihan kung hindi mo sasabihin." I pleaded, continuously threading my fingers on his hair downto his nape. But his tension isn't easing one bit.

I gave him a moment to fully process, for him to set his thoughts straight. The time it took him to direct his eyes up on me felt like forever. Those lovely expressive eyes, now red-rimmed and swollen. His long, curled eyelashes now drenched with uncontrolled tears. His lips are ostensibly quivering.

I cupped his face and he instinctively leaned on my palm.

"Jonas?"

"I-I was so devastated last night." Paos niyang pag-amin bilang umpisa ng kanyang sasabihin. "Ayaw kitang sisihin, because what you did was the right thing. But I felt betrayed... here I am trying so hard to be everything you needed, to give you everything you wanted. But one call from him, one call about him, made you immediately jump to go by his side... fücking cut me deep."

"Jonas, I - "

"Again, hindi kita masisisi." Sabi niya para pagilan niya akong magsalita. "However, when I saw your knee-jerk reaction when he's concerned, my rational thinking was nowhere to be found. I struggled with my calmness. I decided to drive around but I was too distracted of my thoughts about you and your ex-boyfriend... Paulit-ulit kong naisip kung ano na ang ginagawa niyo, kung nagbabago na ang isip mo na ako ang pinili mo... I know you kept on texting me but it wasn't enough to soothe the gunlet of outrage mixed with trepidation that's swirling in my system."

"You could have said no, Jonas. Hindi ako pupunta kung ayaw mo." And I mean it when I said that.

Nakita ko ang galit niya kagabi kaso nang siya na mismo na nag-udyok na magpunta ako, akala ko mabilis niyang makakalimutan 'yon.

Napa-iling siya. "You would resent me for that."

I clung to his gaze. Trying to decipher if this is what's eating him. When it started to shake, I knew there's more. Breathing in, I braced myself.

"I was on the road for minutes, my emotions driving me. Hanggang mahanap ko ang sarili kong huminto at nag-park sa Triple 8 bar. It's the one I frequent before you and me." Biglang humina ang boses niya. His face ashamed and fearful. "I saw some of our batch in highschool having a good time there including Mia, the artist you met before Kiara and Jazz's wedding."

Her name is like a nuclear bomb to my ears. Nanigas ang buong katawan ko, nalaglag ang mga kamay ko sa magkabilang gilid. Wala pang kadugtong ang sinasabi niya pero alam kong hindi ko na magugustuhan. Her name is like plague to me.

When he saw me agitated, he again plastered his face on my stomach and murmured strings of apologies. Mula sa paninigas ng katawan bigla ko naramdaman ang panlalamig ko habang hindi ko na kayang maghintay.

"Just spill it, Jonas." It was harsh, even to my own liking.

"The texts, it's not me. My original plan was to drink only one beer to calm my nerves but it doesn't go that way. I had a few drinks with them. By the time, my head's not in a great place, my mouth spilled everything about why I askew, why I pissed and why I was miserable. The alcohol was pouring and the next thing I knew I was with Mia when were barging our way to a hotel they rented-"

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nakakuha ng lakas pero nagawa ko siyang itulak palayo. He fell on his ass but I have no remorse of doing it. I felt sick, I felt stabbed in the back.

His eyes went wide, frantic. He scurried to his knees and try to reach for me but I averted his hands. Seeing me pull away sent a gutted look in his face. His pain was so palpable it was like cloak surrounding him.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He sobbed. He was sitting on the floor, sniffing like a toddler. He looks so vulnerable and I want nothing but to hug him and tell him everything's going to be okay.

Pero hindi ako makagalaw. Mas nag-uumapaw ang pride ko at namamanhid ako na di ko man lang magawang mag-react.

"Did you have sëx with her?" Diretsahang tanong ko. Parang gusto kong takpan ang tainga gamit ang daliri ko para di ko marinig ang maging sagot nito. Ayokong marinig ang katotohanan.

He cried harder, not even bothering to wipe his tears. He stared at me, it was apparent that he's warfare with himself whether to answer the question.

"Answer me, Jonas. Just. . ." I wasn't able to say more, the enormity of my tears choked my words and clogging it in my throat.

He began to panicked, moving to stand up and attempted to hold me in his arms. I denied him that by retreating further, putting a table used for flower arrangement in between us. The distance isn't that far but the more I swim in his admission, the more we grew apart.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm really sorry. Please just let me touch you . . . I need to feel your warmth to let me know we're going to be okay after this. . .please, baby. . .Kaitie. . .please. . "

I put my arms around me, holding myself because I'm breaking at the seams. I'm furious. I'm beyond hurt. I'm confused. I'm nothing but an ocean of mixed emotions. I want to leash at him, hit him, punch him, while I tell how I felt cheated and betrayed.

But one thing refrained me from doing that. We're not in a relationship to begin with. We're on the road to conceive a baby but that's just it. I know feelings are getting tangled in between but I can't hold this blackhole personified by Mia against him Afterall, I didn't ask him for exclusivity from the very beginning.

"It's fine." Fück! I can't even convince myself when I blurted those words out. "We. . .You. . . what you do when you're not with me is none of my business. I understand your need of release basing from how I left you last night."

A bewildered expression clouded his gorgeous tear- streaked face. "No, baby. I get that what I need has no excuse but please don't treat me indifferently. Be mad at me, shout at me. . .just don't grow cold. I fücked up, royally screwed us up but I'm going to do everything, anything to make it up to you. . . don't go, don't leave. . . I'm begging. . . I'm not sure my heart could take it."

My first instinct was rush to him, feel him against me, cling to his arms and tell him that we're going to sort this out. But I was too hurt. I know that going to Inigo last night will affect him badly. I just can't justify, wrap my mind, why he would turn to Mia.

"Jonas, I need to think." Insaid quietly, removing my gaze from him.

I saw him taking a step, making me curl inward. I think he saw my protective stance as if he's going to hurt me.

"No, baby, no. . .what happened between us doesn't mean a thing. I can assure - "

Cutting him off, I said. "You don't need to explain further." I don't want to hear him expounding more of the night I'm trying to wipe out of my memory.

"Kaitie. . . no, baby. Hindi ko kakayanin."

"Ang mali natin ay hindi natin nilinaw ang lahat ng dapat talakayin sa usapan natin. If we set some borders, lines, hindi tayo hahantong sa ganito. I want to listen, try to understand that you're in misery, just as I am but this is really completely fücked up."

"Baby, please. I'm begging. . ."

Umiling ako. "I need my space to think."

---

He reluctant to left after a few more tries into coaxing me to submit to his request of talking it out. He won't get his way. He can't push me like the way he raided my life.

"Kitten, you haven't left your room. Alas-dose y kinse na." Narinig kong tugon ni Nanay sa kabilang gawi ng pinto ng kuwarto ko.

I called in sick. Hindi ko magawang bumangon sa kama. Lahat masakit, pati paghinga masakit. Gusto kong matulog pero sa tuwing pinipikit ko ang mga mata ko wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang Mia na 'yon at si Jonas na magkasama. Kaya hindi ko magawang matulog, natatakot ako na baka kapag nagpatalo ako sa pagod at antok, mapapanaginipan ko sila at lahat ng ginawa nila na magkasama sa hotel room.

When I didn't answer, my mother pushed the door lightly. The natural light from the hallway sprinkled inside my room. I didn't bother opening ny shades, since I was in deep sh!t misery to even more.

I felt my bed dipping on one side, and my Nanay's hand stroking my hair. Instinctively, I curled to her side and soon my tears followed the lead.

I cried, sniffing, choking out the story I tend to inhume from the depths of the earth. She was silently combing my hair, humming her prodding until I was able to finish. Exhaustion was understatement for what I feel after. It's as if a hole was carved in my heart, letting me bleed in the open without contrition. The pain was ruthless, savage. And it's eating me slowly, devouring every fiber in my body until I'm dead yet still breathing.

"Akala ko ba mag-iingat ka? You said you won't let your feelings rule you, let alone get intricately involved."

Hindi ako nakasagot. Tama nga naman kasi siya. I remember telling her those, not only to her, but also to Ate Keanna. Somehow, I lost those words along the way and it wounded up getting frazzled until the protective quilt I have thrown over me was re-threaded to that of including Jonas.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo, hindi ko gusto itong ginagawa mo pero susuportahan kita. The way I see it, he's in love with you even without the words and albeit, you're dismissing the idea now, you're heading that direction, too. The beginning of your story isn't conventional but it's your own. Mahirap kalimutan ang ginawa niya, alam ko 'yon. However, it would be harder to forget about him if you choose to let this all go."

From my face planted on her lap, I raised to meet her eyes, as usual, they are like the sun, bright and candescent of wisdom. She wipe the stray hair of my face, clipping it behind my ear.

"Kitten, stop punishing yourself because of your fear of the past. He's not your father. Understand that he's a guy and he's bound to mess up every now and then. Ang importante ay hindi siya susukong ipakita sa'yo kung paano siya babawi sa bawat pagkakamali."

I drifted my eyes closed, her words ringing inside my head. I'm aware of the almost broken marriage of my parents. It's carved in my mind the hardship and stuggles my mother went through to surpass the waves she face when my father cheated on her. One of the reason I've always used it as enough reason to avoid deeper connection, maliban sa mga magulang at sa mga kapatid ko. I grew up watching a healthy marriage of my parents, honestly, I silently wish to have that kind of lovestory until one day of my father's confession ruined everything I believed in. Since then, I didn't seek to form any strong links with other people outside my family. It's just who I am. It also explained why I can't ever love Inigo. My feelings for him was drilled and cemented because he was constantly there. But it wasn't adequate for me to see him included in my future.

The revelation added, and it nothing do to change my mind. It was a secret we kept ourselves. At iyon ang pinakamasakit sa damdamin. If only I found out the earlier, I could have done something... we could have done something. But everything happened so soon. Now everything is demented. The control I have with my life has gone rogue, with no chance of allowing to tame it. The crazy part of it all is that I know the only person who can do it for me, yet the very same person is the reason of this heathen chaos.

"I don't know what to do."I numbled.

"You know what to do, Kitten. You knew from the very moment you shove him out of your shop. Ayaw mo lang talagang harapin." Her tone is astute and all knowing.

"I wish I could be like you, Nay. Always rational, always forgiving."

"Kung may isang bagay kang hindi dapat kagalitan iyon ay ang mga bagay na nangyari na. Kasi kahit mag-tumbling ka pa wala ka nang magagawa. All you can control is how you react a present. You can never get away from the past. You either live or die with it."

I went mute. I know that my mother has a point.

She sang me a tune after that and finally, I was able to rest. It was already past eight o'clock in the evening when I woke up. Nanay left me a plate of food on my bedside table, pero wala pa rin akong ganang kumain.

Bumangon ako at sumandal sa headboard ng kama ko. I stared at my open closet, nasilayan ko ang blue na paper bag na naglalaman ng baby onesie na bigay ni Jonas noon.

Muli na namang namuo ang mga luha ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang lakas pero nagawa kong bumangon para kunin ito.

I fished the piece of clothing inside, running my finger on the embroided words. Small wet circles started darkening the light shade of blue of the fabric as I cry while cluthing it hard on my chest.

I silently poured out my despair until my eyes felt dry and sore. I was about to tuck it back where it belong when I saw one of the blue notes Jonas gives me.

DAY 28

ARE YOU ALREADY IN LOVE WITH ME? TICK ONE:

○ YES

○ NO

My Nanay's voice echoed inside my head. Even though I'm still weak from crying and lack of food nourishment, I compounded my remaining strength. I stared at the onesie on my hand and the note on the other, it's time to bring these back to him.