Centuries of Sin : Book IV

13

"Elizabeth…” Sawyer rested his hand on her back, but she moved away from him and changed into the plain black t-shirt she had been clutching when she sat down next to him.

“If we don’t leave now the stores will all be shut by the time we get to them.”

She was going to pretend they hadn’t just spoken about something so significant, but he moved closer to her again and put his arm around her waist.

“And if we do leave now we are going to end up driving there and back in the most awkward silence I can possibly imagine and have to explain why we aren’t talking when Klara notices and thinks it’s to do with her.”

“I expected that conversation to go differently. I’m not upset, it’s just not what I had pictured.”

“How did you picture it?”

“I don’t know… not like that. It’s not like I said I’ve changed my mind, I just said I would be open to discussing it now and I thought you would be happy.”

He clasped her a little tighter, and she felt like he was reassuring a child rather than sharing a moment with her.

“I did discuss it with you - I didn’t think that getting emotional over it was the right way to process the myriad of complicated things that are running through my head, but I have explained why I don’t think it’s something we should consider. I know you don’t actually want to settle down and have a kid, Elizabeth; it’s not like it’s shattered your heart for me to tell you it’s a bad idea, is it?”

“I suppose it’s better than you being hurtful and accusing me of wanting to see my name on your family tree.”

Sawyer moved away from Elizabeth and her chest tightened because there had been no need to bring that up and it had clearly hurt his feelings.

“Believe it or not, that’s the second time today I have been ruthlessly reminded of what a crappy person I’ve been. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t just speak to you with respect back then, but I’m trying to do that now. I’m happy that you were willing to have an open discussion with me about our future, but you can rest assured that you aren’t denying me anything, and that I’m not being stupid or irrational about this. I don’t think you realize how lucky Francesca is that nothing went wrong.”

“Of course I don’t; I only know what white wolves are because I read about them while I was stuck at your family home living as your sister’s f*****g prisoner while you were off licking your wounds with Selene caring for you. Nobody ever explained that stuff to me, and now you’re reverting to the same vague ‘you don’t know’ and ‘you don’t realize’ s**t as you used to. It would hurt me more than I can express if you started treating me like that again, so please just explain this to me in simple terms rather than leaving me to figure it out by myself, or treating me like I am stupid because I don’t have knowledge that you were raised with. I cannot possibly comprehend how lucky your sister is when you haven’t explained it to me. And the way I have been feeling since I transformed again…it kind of does shatter my heart to know we still don’t really get to make our own decisions, even now we’re free of everything that felt so oppressive before.”

Sawyer stood up and paced to the top of the stairs, and for a moment Elizabeth thought he was going to leave her alone in the house.

He turned back and looked at her directly; it made her feel nervous, but she didn’t look away.

“I take your point, and I will take the time to explain what is special about Saga and why my sister was lucky. But whatever you had intended this conversation to be, and I still have zero idea what the hell you were trying to say to me, I think it’s a lot more complicated than either of us expected. You haven’t eaten today - I think we should talk about this while we go to get food. Are you OK with that? Or would you prefer it if we asked to borrow some food from Selene or my sister?”

Elizabeth shrugged.

She didn’t really care, and she was no longer hungry, but she was grateful that he had been willing to address this rather than ignoring it so she told him to get the keys and then scrawled a note and left it on the side for Klara in case she got back while they were gone.

Sawyer waited until they were a few minutes from the forest before he asked Elizabeth anything, and she was glad that she had chosen to go out to pick up food so that she didn’t have to make awkward eye contact with him.

“What did you mean by ‘the way you have been feeling’? Is there something you haven’t told me?”

“I just feel different now - everything feels different, and I don't know why, but I know I'm not afraid of what I am anymore, and that when Klara asked me if I want to settle down here, I didn't hate the idea. I don't feel as if I don't belong here, or that I'm going to do the wrong thing and f**k everything up. None of these people knew either of us, and it means I'm less caught up in whether they're comparing me to the people they expected you to end up with. And she didn't ask me about kids so directly, but I know that's what she meant and it's been such a long time since I thought about that, but I think it's the first time someone has asked me that out of pure curiosity. She wasn't asking because she expects it, or because she doesn't think you should be with me, and I realized that things are so different that we would no longer be dooming another person to a lifetime of being compared to you, or being told they could have been better if it wasn't for me."

"White wolves are magic… they can do all the things my sister tried to teach people without needing to try, they're strong, their reflexes are faster than ours, and they heal faster and with less complications than other people. Were you aware of that?"

Elizabeth glanced at Sawyer, but his eyes were firmly on the road.

"Some of it. Why do you ask?"

"You were upset that I said you don't realize how lucky my sister is that nothing went wrong. She's lucky because some women find it difficult to have a baby when it has more abilities than they do; I think it's why we've lost so much of the power we used to have. It's not like it's dangerous most of the time - it's just draining - but in this case she's had a child with significantly more natural powers than she has and she could easily have died. Would you like me to explain more?"

"No, I…"

"...good. Because I love you, and I don't want you to feel like we're not in control of our own lives, or that we can't decide anything important for ourselves. I don't think it's worth the risk of losing you when it's not something you really want, and we're both happy with the way things are."