Your Voice (G x G)

8

Knots and churns forming in my stomach was a thing I was starting to get used to—given that Ms. Blake would inevitably give it to me without fail. Snow arriving in our little town signified the start of our senior trip. It was yearly practice to celebrate the coming of the fluffed white and a reason for the whole school to rest and go on a trip.

Ms. Rivers announced Friday last week that this year’s trip was extra special for the seniors. We would be lodging up in the mountains and it was looked forward to by most seniors. To think the school would give us the free will to linger about without curfew, tip-toe to a lover’s room, or maybe do something foolish. The possibilities were endless.

I, on the other hand, took this opportunity to enjoy myself. I was starting to get clarification in my feelings. Although I’d admit I did like my teacher, it was to some… extent—I think.

“Senior winter trip! Awoo-awoo!” Jillian screech as she lunge out her front door to my car’s passenger side. If it wasn’t obvious enough she was very excited. “Are you not excited my dearest best friend?” She flung—what seemed to be a week worth of luggage—to the back of my car.

“Well, I am, of course.” I tried best not to worry for her. It was just her excitement was a bit overwhelming. Ever since the Halloween party, she’d been booming with thrill. I don’t know what vitamins she was taking but I’ve got to say it was working, somehow.

“I’m ready, senior winter trip. I’m ready, senior winter trip.” Her hands were dancing along with her body as she sing-song the line in the tune of SpongeBob’s ‘I’m ready, promotion’.

I whistled to tune out her excitement, “You are very exhilarated and you are not trying to hide it.”

“Come on, aren’t you excited? Three days curled up in a lodge in the middle of nowhere with snow and cold all around—do you not see the possibilities?” I gulped and nodded, “Besides, our only supervisor is Ms. Blake, think about the possibilities!” She put an emphasis to Ms. Blake’s name, which she’s been doing a lot lately.

‘Ms. Blake looks good today.’

‘Do you think Ms. Blake has a boyfriend?’

‘Oooh, I like Ms. Blake’s top, it brings out her collar bones.’

She would say, and those are only a few Ms. Blake statements.

“Why do you do that? Why do you put emphasis on our teacher’s name? If I didn’t know any better I’d say you like her.” I was the one to talk. All the redhead did was scoff and smile smugly at me, like she knew something. I decided to brush her off and focus on driving.

-

“All right people, pair up in a line right here.” Ms. Blake looked good with her fluffed up white coat and red scarf. Her face was red from the chill the icy wind gave, I admired her from afar—well, beside Jill, I mean—hiding in my own blue knitted fat scarf.

I started to back up, making room for the people who were starting to line up in front of me. As the line formed perfectly, I found myself alone at the end of it. I caught sight of the redhead in the fourth row beside Toby. “Jill!” I called out, I didn’t have anyone else to pair up with me, given everyone was already paired up and walking up the bus.

My voice failed to grab her attention and not soon after, everyone already climbed up the bus with a seatmate, “What the heck, Jill?” I asked her, seemingly defeated and feared for the long, lonesome trip up the mountains.

“Were you guys planning on sitting together?” Toby asked, dumbfounded. My grip was weakening from the two bags holding my weight down. The boy started to shuffle around, gathering his things to find another seat so I can be saved of the solitude.

“Collins,” Ms. Blake had called from behind. “come sit here before the bus starts and spring you to the windshield.” She was pertaining to the seat beside her and before I could even say anything she sits down, waiting for my arrival.

I catch Jill trying to hard not to smile, Toby’s furrowed eyebrows seemed to have relax as if the boy understood the situation. Something smells fishy, I thought, and tried hard to dismiss the possibility that Jill might know something.

As soon as I make my way up front and settle in, the bus had gone its course. After a few silent moments trying to mend my breathing, I grabbed my iPod player, finding a good song before I plug my earphones in.

Ms. Blake started to eye the little pink player on my hand, maybe finding something to say. She’s been doing that lately, too. Like Jill, she was being weird. But instead of the thrill and excitement Jill showed, it looked like Ms. Blake was lacking of it. It seemed like she was being careful, like someone was watching or hearing what she’d say.

“Back in my day, we didn’t have those.” She pertained to the music box shrunk to the size of a hand. “We’d sit, listened to the radio, or talk, or just sit.”

“Back in your day? You’re not that old, Ms. Blake.” I started to chuckle. The crazy Sara was in there somewhere.

She bit her lip and smiled, “Yeah, I was just trying to stall you from plugging in those corks in your ears. A trip of silence is dreadful, I was hoping that wouldn’t be the idea with you at my right hand side.”

“Alright,” I say, submitting to her played words which gave me certain strength. Her attention was a thing I craved and when she gave it to me, I felt special, floating on cloud nine. 

After a few awkward stumbles to start up the conversation, Ms. Blake finally took her guard down. Moments later, our seats started to vibe with laughter. We were conversing like normal people which I always tried hard to achieve, I was finally coming through to her, just like I have back at the party.

Her voice—her voice is the thing I cherished the most, the sweet sultry accent only her tongue can play out, it was a certain craving I settled for. You see, when you like a teacher like I do, you can’t risk making eye contact. For all I know my eyes could be saying something my consciousness wasn’t even trying to say. No. You try, heavily, to hide what you feel.

That’s what I do. My eyes were trained to be blank for the past few months so that it could be denied the truth, so that Ms. Blake wouldn’t see through me. It’s hard to look at Ms. Blake, especially when she’s in front speaking, when my heart is booming just by the sight of her. It’s hard when my mind keeps on reminding me how beautiful a creature like my teacher could be. It’s hard to calm my stomach from the bursting butterflies. It’s hard to stand up when all she does is make me weak on the knees.

So, I settled for her voice. My eyes denied the sight of beauty. My ears were the only thing I gave permission to be. Every day, for two periods I would stare at the ground, focus on the blackboard, or maybe even take notes of anything. All the while my ears rung with her lovely voice. It’s the best thing I have.

-

I woke up with a strained neck. Students were already booming with excitement as we neared the lodge. Ms. Blake had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I had fallen asleep on her as well. As I wake her up, I tried my best to fix my composure. Just as her eyes opened and realize our position for the past few hours, her consciousness filled her and in an instant, the wall I’ve tried to break down was put up again.

We spent no time hanging out on the bus but excitedly lurched to the huge lodge site. It wasn’t much but it was definitely something. After Ms. Blake had handed out key cards for our designated lodges, we were off and settling in.

“Jill, I need you to promise me you won’t ditch out on me again.” I say, propping my bags on a white covered bed. The room smelt like wet wood which I find… revolting. There was a flat screen TV stuck up on a wall with a couch in front. “I mean, leaving me out like that, I’ve got to say it wasn’t nice.”

“I can’t promise anything,” that line was familiar, she said it to me back at the party. “Toby and I have plans for tonight, we haven’t had a chance to sneak around because of my parents. This is basically our getaway!” I was still not hearing her because of the charade she was putting up. “Come on, I love you and I know you’d understand.”

I didn’t need to speak out because she knew I’d understand. I was preparing myself to the rain of solitude, though it wasn’t foreseen, it was very obvious.

The first night in the trip I was alone in my room which I expected as much. I didn’t get any sleep so I tried rummaging the TV’s channels to get through the night but still no luck. Needless to say I spent that night cramped up my bed while there was a thumping noise in a distance, I tried to zone it out and tightly shut my eyes but again, no luck.

-

It’s official, this is the worst trip ever. I understood Jill’s request for alone time with Toby, but alone time with myself was pretty much uncalled for. Being alone at breakfast made me miserable than ever. I chugged down a mug of coffee to let the headache die down, the bacon and eggs on my plate was still left untouched.

My eyes lit up as I saw Ms. Blake approach the buffet table with a plate in hand. She was smiling and talking with a man of his age. For a moment I tried to deny myself the fact that Ms. Blake was flirting with that man, but with the elegance of her hands and her tone down laugh, I knew she was.

I frowned to myself as I watched her blush and make flirty eye-contact. Not moments after, out of all the tables she could sit in, she chose to sit with me. The alone me. “Good morning.” She said with a big grin.

“You could say that.” I didn’t try to hide the sarcasm in my tone. There was nothing good or exciting or happy about this trip, the ride over was definitely worth remembering but just as I swallowed the bitterness residing in my touch I reminded myself—Ms. Blake’s not mine.

The awful truth made me sad all of the sudden, “Are you okay?” She asked, no, I wanted to say.

“Yeah,” I lied, eyeing my plate again, “I just… don’t feel good. I’m heading to my room.”

-

I didn’t want to leave this wooded wall I was caving in, I was wallowing in my own self-pity. I like Ms. Blake and that’s all I could think about. Just a few minutes before dinner, my stomach started to growl. I haven’t had a decent meal or drink—besides the coffee—all day. For the first time in a long time, Jill popped up in our room. Seemingly with all-smiles, asking me about my day.

I remember replying with s**t, using it as an adjective to describe my day.

She was finally there for me and this time, she tried to dig me in, asking me what was wrong. When I didn’t cave in her questions, she dragged me with her and Toby to eat. I was again eyeing my plate which was now filled with steak, mashed potatoes and greens.

I didn’t understand it but it was like I had a Ms. Blake-radar or something because just as she arrive in the hall, my head bobbed up to see her. Like in the morning, she grabbed a plate, and the hateful man was there again ready to flirt.

It was like watching the same scene with different set ups, but I had the same feeling all over again. My chain of thought was broken as Jill abruptly stands up and stomps to where Ms. Blake was. I looked at Toby who was as bewildered as I was by the sudden action.

The redhead seemed to have said something to Ms. Blake because just as she stomps back to our table, the older woman’s eyes were glued to me with concern. “What was that?” I say after a long time of silence, my voice cracked a little.

“Nothing,” she says flatly and grabs her fork to chew a piece of meat, Jill looks at Ms. Blake who was still looking at me. “That’s exactly how I feel when Toby here talks to a pretty girl.” Jill’s eyes suddenly met mine, like her eyes would explain everything she said, which it did. She knew.

I was suddenly flushed with embarrassment, caught up on my own trance. How could she have known? I felt eyes judging me… although I didn’t think it did. My eyes fell back to Ms. Blake who was now making our way to us, I felt a pang of heat on my face and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I made my way out of there as soon as I could.

-

A little after three shots, I was laughing my ass off. I had found company in a girl in my class, Shelly is her name. We were talking about the past few class shoots over the years and although I couldn’t find the humor in it, I was laughing anyway.

“So, anyway,” Shelly said, I was oblivious to her green eyes and perfect teeth. I didn’t care if I was talking to a pretty, or ugly, or mediocre person right now, I just needed the company. “Where have you been all this time? Damn I feel stupid to have wasted my years to not have met you.”

It was cheesy, yes, she was being cheesy—I didn’t quite understand why. “Oh, come on.” I laughed, feeling the alcohol starting to do its work. I catch sight of Ms. Blake, panting, scanning the room and as she catches me, she slowly nears me.

“I mean, you’re a great person to talk to. I haven’t met someone like that for a long time, you’re a hoot! I’m not even trying right now. I’m comfortable with you.” The last line she spoke took me back to what Ms. Blake said, I knew that as she grew near, she could hear our conversation. I found triumph in having company, laughing and being happy, just like she had with the older man in the buffet line. I was still finding my place with Jill, which I couldn’t turn to right now.

“Excuse me, Ms. Pierce, can I have a moment alone with Collins?” It looked like Shelly had a nerve against Ms. Blake, she didn’t reply to the request of the teacher but she looked at me and smiled.

“I’ll see you again, hopefully soon, y’know—bond or whatever.” Shelly smiled and I gave her a nod then she was out of sight.

Only then have I noticed that the bar was already empty, I guess I was swirling again. “She was flirting with you.” Ms. Blake said flatly, with a tone of hurt—or maybe it was just me thinking it was hurt.

“Really?” I said with a bit of pride and mockery, seemingly amused of what I have just learned.

“Your gaydar is shit.”

“Why or why are you upset, Ms. Blake?” It was the alcohol talking now, I was flustered the time I set foot on this goddamn mountain. “Surely you know how to have a good time, right?”

“Jill told me—“

“Jill told you? So you’re conspiring with her now.” I didn’t even let her finish what she was saying and as she faced me, she was more concerned than angry. “I didn’t even know she knew. I guess that’s why she’s been avoiding me… she must be disgusted.”

She let out a sigh and started on lecturing me, “she’s not, she’s looking out for you. She’s been leaving you alone because she wants you to be happy. She wants you to have nowhere to go to so that you could be with me. Or so I think.” I was starting to buy what she was saying, letting the barrier between us sink down a little.

It did sound like Jill, smart Jill who would figure out everything. I should have told her sooner. “What exactly did she say at the buffet line?”

“I think it went like, ‘Hey, Ms. b***h you’d either stop flirting or I’d have to poke Allie’s eyes out’. I must say she has the balls to say that, me being her teacher and all.”

I started to chuckle, my throat a bit constricted because of all the tears I’m holding in. “Yeah, she’s stupid like that.”

“She cares an awful lot.”

My oblivion started to fade and I shook my head, “You shouldn’t stop looking or talking with other people just because Jill’s behind your back.” I flashed a fake smile, my tongue started tasting bitter, hating and not meaning the words I was saying. “I’ll talk to her.” Ms. Blake’s eyes closed, jaw clenched. “It’s just a hard sight for me…” my voice cracked a bit, voicing out my feelings were hard but it just started to pour out. “I must have bad luck... to be falling for a teacher, and all.”

The sudden shift of gaze from the older woman showed surprise, enough to make me cry my eyes out. Either the lack of spectators made Ms. Blake hug me or maybe it was because she didn’t care. 

“Stop, Allie.” She brushed my hair and held me tight as my breath started to falter, “Listen. Allie, please. Listen.” This was the moment, the moment of rejection. I was starting to feel the pain piercing me but it wasn’t a new feeling. “Allie, I will not stop talking to other people because of Jill…” A moment of silence, I could almost hear the rejection through the piercing stillness, “…but I can stop for you.”