THE JOURNEY OF SHEIRA HART

37 | When Your Mouth Fails, Your Eyes Will Do the Talking

We watched as they talked. I was all smiles and I could tell Jacob felt bad too. But I guess what I thought about that moment was that it doesn’t matter. As long as he arrived. I guess what I thought about that moment was, at least he arrived. 

And I admit, I hate my past self for that. But I couldn’t do anything. After all, what I am looking at is just a flashback. Something that already happened. 

Jacob was sweating profusely and I heard myself asking what happened to which he just replied with a shake of his head. 

“Just ran some errands and I didn’t notice the time. I am so sorry,” he said. 

Me and Mikhael stood just a few meters away—enough to hear what they were talking about. I looked at the two of them. I wonder how long we’ve been dating the time this happened. I remember dating Jacob was the result of our plan to make the whole school believe we were a couple just so I could avoid those groundless rumors circulating about me and Miro Nile. It was a success and we ended up catching feelings for each other and started dating for real. I figured nobody knew it was fake at the start and we realized it was better to keep it that way. 

“So, what do you want to talk to me about?” my past self asked. The expectation was visible in her face. I don’t know what could I be expecting that time. I don’t know if I was too blind to not notice Jacob’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. Perhaps it was bad news. Perhaps it was something terrible and he was just preparing himself to say it to me. But I was oblivious to that. Jacob probably noticed my excitement and I could literally see his disappointment. For what, I don’t know. And I am going to be seeing it today. 

Mikhael was silent, too. He was just looking at the two people having small conversations. Watching carefully. His hands were stuffed inside his pants and I couldn’t fully see his expression. 

“Let’s order first, shall we? What do you want to eat?” Jacob took the menu. 

I could see the light of excitement dimmed in my face but I maintained a smile and nodded. “Sure,” I said and took the other menu. I saw myself finished eating a few minutes ago but she never said it to Jacob. Perhaps I was scared to make him feel bad. 

I couldn’t help but scoff. Why was I so meek? Did I love Jacob that much? 

We continued to watch as they finished saying their orders. It was like watching a movie and seeing the two characters having a crisis of not knowing what to say. Maybe the past me realized the cold atmosphere. Jacob made sure I felt it. I couldn’t help but wince as he answers my questions with two or three words. And he kept looking outside the glass window. But I kept smiling and I couldn’t help but be furious with myself. 

“Get out and leave him,” I mumbled. Mikhael looked at me but he didn’t say anything. 

Jacob couldn’t even meet my eyes as I try to make a conversation with him. I clenched my fist. He made me wait for five hours and gives me the cold treatment? 

I walked closer to their table. “Get out of here, now!” I yelled but of course, it’s no use. I’m a ghost and I am viewing a flashback. My past self couldn’t possibly hear me. 

“He is not interested in what you are saying, you i***t! Have some self-respect and ditch him. Break up with him before he does it himself! Do it!” I screamed and was about to slam my fist on the table when Mikhael gripped my wrist and pulled me to him. 

His eyes were furious. It mirrored mine. And his grip on my wrist was tight but I did not wince. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Saving myself,” I said and pulled my hand away from his grip. I faced the table again and willed my strength at the ends of my fingers. I have to do something. Maybe…just maybe, if I get her to leave this place and go home, perhaps I could save myself. Perhaps I could change what happened. 

And with that in thought, I managed to move the napkin and made the fork roll to the other side of the table. 

Not enough. 

It’s not enough. It has to be stronger. I have to be stronger. And so I tried it again and pushed what I managed to make to their direction. Then the waitress came into view and the invisible wind I sent to hit the glasses causing them to splash right into my dress. 

 The sound of the glass breaking as it made contact with the floor echoed throughout the whole café. A collective gasp was heard and my hand flew to my mouth as I saw my past self. Half of my dress was wet and even my hair too. There fruit bits on my dress and onto the table. I was frozen at what just happened. 

I closed my eyes firmly. 

“You just made things worse,” Mikhael said and I glared at him. 

“Well, I’m sorry for being an idiot.” 

“You are an i***t. Now, your boyfriend is about to break up with you and you look like a mess. You will look more pitiful because of what you did,” he said and I just sat on the floor. Trying to process that I just made things worse for my past self. 

The waitress was saying sorry continuously as she wipes my dress. But my face was kind and there’s no hint of anger in it. Seriously? 

Jacob was frozen in his seat too. But then he must have realized what happened so he stood up and took the tissue and wiped the table, asking if I was OK. I just nodded and smiled at the waitress showing that I am fine so she wouldn’t worry. 

“You could be a saint,” Mikhael said and I didn’t respond. I look terrible. My past self might decide to go home and just rearrange the meeting. Maybe she will just say goodbye to Jacob and tell him they could talk another time. I wish she felt embarrassed so it will force her to leave and go home. 

But it didn’t happen at all. I continued to sit there, watching Jacob. “The waitress will give us another set of drinks together with the food. So what is it that you want to say?” I asked and I couldn’t help but let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Are you an i***t?” I yelled as loud as I can. “Get out of there!” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go home first and change?” Jacob asked.

My past self shook her head. “It’s good. I can go home after we’re done with dinner. And besides, we already ordered food.” 

“We can have it for take out,” Jacob suggested. 

“No. It’s okay. There are not many people in here anyway.” 

I groaned in frustration and clenched my fist. “He is going to break up with you,” I said and my voice cracked the moment I said the last word. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care if Mikhael heard it. 

“Do it first,” I said but of course it didn’t do anything. 

Jacob took out his jacket and laid it on my lap. And I could see the happiness in my eyes with that very small gesture. 

Jacob looked like he is hesitating to say something and couldn’t bear to say it. And watching from the sidelines, I already know what is going to happen, what’s he going to say. And I hate him for it. I hate him for not saying it immediately. I hate the expectations in my eyes that would only lead to disappointment. 

I didn’t realize my fists were clenched for the whole time and even after they finished their dinner. And it was me that did all the talking and Jacob would just give me small smiles or nods or two to three-word answers. He was distracted and kept looking at the glass wall. And what’s worse is that I didn’t even notice he wasn’t paying attention. 

“It’s not that you didn’t notice,” Mikhael said and I looked at him and gave him a questioning look. 

“What?” I asked. 

He gave me a sideward glance and said, “You’re mad because your past self couldn’t even sense the cold atmosphere, right? You're mad why is she still hanging around when it was clear as day he wasn’t interested in everything you say?” 

I don’t know how he could read me like that but I didn’t respond and looked back at them. My past self continued talking and Jacob was undoubtedly not listening. 

“You noticed, but you chose to ignore it,” Mikhael said. “I think that’s what happened.”

I didn’t say anything as I continued to watch. I was surprised I continued to watch myself being so pitiful and pathetic even though I wanted to stop her and to avoid any heartbreak. If I were there, I wouldn’t hesitate to slam my fist on the table and put some sense into my past self as to why the hell is she still sticking around like a lost puppy when she could have easily walked away and gone home when Jacob didn’t arrive. I don’t understand how was I able to put up with that?

And then I realized it was love. 

I must have loved him that much that I left nothing for myself. I must have loved him that much that I became stupid. Too stupid I didn’t even leave anything for myself. And I didn’t realize I was capable of it. Loving someone too much. It was probably a poison as to how good it felt. I clenched my fist as I know what Mikhael said might be true. I might have been ignoring the red flag and went on anyway as if nothing’s wrong. 

I saw myself continued to give smiles though I could see it was forced. Mikhael was silent as he, too, continued to watch. 

Jacob put his spoon down and it was then that I saw myself paying attention. It pains me to see expectation mirroring my eyes as I watched Jacob. Maybe I was expecting the worse but tries to be optimistic about it. 

“Of all the stops we’ve been, this is by far, the one I hate the most,” I mumbled. 

Jacob was wearing a serious face. At one glance, one could tell he is uncomfortable and is itching to go home. While my face was just…smiling. 

“Sheira,” Jacob called. 

“What is it?” I asked. 

It took several seconds for Jacob before he took a sigh and looked down. And for a moment, I could see my face faltered. And right then, I knew. I knew right away that my past self knew about it already. 

A bitter smile was now plastered on her face as she looked at Jacob. “I’m breaking up with you,” I said. And I couldn’t help but drop my jaw when I heard it.

It was me who broke up with him. 

I could see the shock in Jacob’s face as he looked at me, probably unable to believe what he just heard. 

“Why?” he asked and I just shrugged. 

“That’s what you want to say, isn’t it?” I let out a bitter smile. “I made things easier for you.” 

And the moment he heard it from me, Jacob started crying. While I remained seated and watched him as he wiped his tears. “I’m sorry,” he said again and again as he continued to sob. 

I just shook my head. I didn’t say anything other than that. Because I know I would burst out crying if I say another word. So I just watched at Jacob who was crying in front of me. 

“I…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I stopped trying. I’m sorry I made you feel miserable,” he said and took a deep breath before he said the words that probably is the most painful thing to hear, “I’m sorry I fell out of love.” 

He continued to sob. “I don’t love you anymore, Sheira,” he said and the next thing I knew, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. 

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