Way Back to his Heart

Chapter Eighteen

Light in the midst of a Disaster

Gino

She always looks pale and tired despite of that, she always smiles whenever she sees me walking towards the gate.

She’d always responds with a smile whenever I ask her how she was doing, but that wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear.

Because no matter how she hides it, I knew then she was tired. She’s tired of being alive but forced to, because of us.

Mama, nakapasinungaling mo.

Dapat no’ng tinatanong ka namin kung pagod ka ay sumagot ka ng oo, dapat tuwing sinasabi ko’ng magpahinga ka ay nagpahinga ka na lang, instead, you’d do the laundry, you’d cook food, you’d do the dishes. You could’ve rest a bit while living…

Napatigil ako sa tapat ng gate ng bahay. Nakikita ko ang imahe ni Mama na nagwawalis ng mga ligaw na dahon at nagdidilig ng halaman. Malayo pa lang ako ay natatanaw ko na siya.

Ngayon ang nadatnan ko ay ang mga lantang halaman, ligaw na d**o at dahon sa lupa. Wala si Mama, walang nang sumasalubong sa akin.

Pagbukas ko ng pintuan sa bahay ay sumalubong sa akin ang amoy ng alikabok at ang init na sumisingaw. Noon ay naamoy ko na kaagad ang niluluto ni Mama, mula sa kusina, makikita ko ang likod niya at ang ang buhok niyang laging nakapusod. Ngayon ay walang kalaman-laman ang bahay at napakadilim, katulad ng buhay ko’ng nalunod sa kadiliman. Mom was the light of my life. Now that she’s gone, it felt like I lost all the light inside me.

Still, I don’t regret coming back here while taking a break. This is my second day. I just cleaned my room, hindi ko pa nagagalaw ang sala dahil mag-isa ako. Also, I spend most of the time outside.

Napadungaw ako sa bintana nang bigla ako’ng makarinig ng kaluskos sa labas. Kaagad ako’ng nagtungo sa labas at binuksan ang gate.

I was startled to see her.

“Gino!” gulat na gulat siyang napatingin sa akin.

“Angel?” I furrowed my brows as I stared at her. Nakapambahay lang siya at may dalang maliliit na paso ng halaman.

“Umuwi ka?” hindi naman makapaniwala ito. I expected that, after ten years, ngayon lang ako nagtapang na umuwi.

I realized that the withered plants maybe was given by Angel, ang dala niya ngayong halaman ay kaparehas sa mga nalanta  na nasa plant box.

“Ikaw ba ang naglalagay ng mga halaman?” nag-iwas ako ng titig.

“Oo,” she smiled as she started removing the withered plants from the plant box. “Tuwing umuuwi ako naglalagay ako.”

“That’s useless,” I turned away.

“Your Mom used to like it.”

“Stop doing that from now on,” hindi ko napigilan ang pagtaas ng tono ng boses ko. But she didn’t falter and she simply smiled. I got pissed off all of a sudden. Marahan ko’ng hinawakan ang kamay niya kaya napatayo siya.

Nagulat naman ako nang biglang kumalas si Angel sa pagkakahawak ko.

“Hindi ako sa ‘yo nangako. Sa Mama mo ako nangako,” she was firm while uttering those words.

And then my eyes landed on her wrist. Napahawak siya ro’n, mukhang nahigpitan ko masyado ang pagkakahawak sa kanya.

“Oh?” Napatingala kaming dalawa nang biglang pumatak ng sunod-sunod ang ulan. This is very unsual, summer ngayon per biglang umuulan.

Wala pang ilang segundo ang nakalipas pero bigla na lang lumakas ang ulan. I had no choice but to pull her when I opened the gate.

I just can’t leave her outside.

“May bagyo ba?” parehas kaming pinagmasdan ang malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan. Nang lumandas ang tingin ko sa kanya ay nanlaki ang mata ko nang mapansin ko’ng sobrang basa na ng kanyang damit…

“The rain won’t stop for now, p-pasok ka muna,” dali-dali ako’ng pumasok sa loob. Hanggang sa makapasok siya ay sinikap ko pa rin na hindi siya tignan. I’m not comfortable seeing her undergarments almost visible because her clothes are wet.

“Why don’t you take a shower first,” tuluyan ko na siyang tinalikuran.

***

Mukhang hindi na titigil ang ulan. Habang nagluluto ako rito sa kusina ay nakikinig ako ng live stream ng balita sa cellphone ko. May bagyo pala na paparating. This is very unusual dahil kahapon lamang ay tirik na tirik ang araw.

Nakarinig ako ng yabag sa may hagdanan. Nang dumungaw ako doon ay nakita ko si Angel. She’s wearing my shirt and…my boxers.

I know it’s very inappropriate, but she’s got no clothes. Iisipin ko na lang na utang na loob iyon na kailangan ko’ng palitan dahil hindi niya nakakalimutan si Mama.

“Halla, baha na agad sa harap,” nag-aalala naman itong sumilip sa bintana. This is really a problem, mahihirapan na siyang umuwi.

“Sorry, I can’t send you home tonight,” then I finally decided as I prepared the dining table. “Our house is shabby but it’s kinda safer here…”

I couldn’t withstand her glares when she looked at me. I cooked a simple dish for dinner—tinolang manok. Mabuti na lang nakapamili ako kanina kahit papaano.

At muli, kusang bumaba ang mga mata ko sa kanyang leeg na may tumutulo pang tubig hanggang sa kanyang dibdib.

That’s when I realized she wasn’t wearing her bra. I forgot that part about her. When we’re staying at home she’d normally remove it…dahil katwiran niya ay wala namang madadampi sa kanya.

But now it’s different… they are fully grown.

Hindi ako umupo sa tabi ni Angel nang kumakain kami. I sit on the farthest chair from her. Napansin ko’ng tinitignan niya ako, marahil ay nagtataka siya kung bakit ang layo ko. Please, don’t misunderstand.

“Pahingi ako ng tubig—”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako biglang tumayo at napaatras nang tumayo si Angel at inabot niya ang pitcher sa tabi ko.

Napakurap-kurap siya sa akin. That was a bad move.

“Okay ka lang?” hindi naman ako nakasagot sa tanong nito.

***

It has only been two hours and the whole town is flooded. Lumakas bigla ang bagyo at nawalan na ng power supply. I’m worried because if this goes on then I am not sure if what I have stock up for now will be enough for two persons.

“Can you call your home?” I asked Angel who’s now worried.

“Walang signal,” aniya sabay lapag ng cellphone niya sa lamesa sa tabi ng kuwarto ko. It’s dark outside and you could barely see anything.

Its summer but we’re locked up in here because of typhoon. It seems like I am not the only one who’s corrupted. Even the world is…

“You can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep downstairs—” nang dumaan ako sa harapan ni Angel ay hinila niya ang laylayan ng damit ko. Just like how she always do when she wants to say something…

“Kahit ako na sa sahig, basta dito ka lang.”

I’m such an asshole.

I should have remembered how she fears the dark and the coldness. Isang kandila lang ang tanging liwanag dito sa kuwarto ko. It’s not even enough to enlighten the entire room.

I don’t see her face entirely but I know she’s scared. Malapit ko nang hindi marinig ang boses niya kanina.

For the first time in ten years, I’m sharing the same room with Angel.  Sa baba ako nahiga ibinigay niya ang comforter sa akin. Kanina ko pa nararamdaman na galaw siya ng galaw lalo na kapag lumalakas ang hangin na parang nasa itaas lang ng bubong ang mismong bagyo.

“Gino,” he called me for the fifth time.

“I’m still here,” I also said that for the fifth time. Maybe the reason behind these repetitive questions is to ease what she feels.

Sa mga sumunod na minuto ay hindi na nagtanong si Angel. Bumangon ako para tignan siya. She’s asleep facing the direction where I am. Malawak naman ang kama ko pero nasa gilid siya at kaunting urong pa ay maari siyang mahulog. She may have matured, but she’s still afraid of being alone…she’s still afraid of being left out. Despite of knowing that, I abandoned her love ten years ago, without looking back, without goodbyes and without hesitation.

I caressed her hair while staring at her. Kusa yatang gumalaw ang mga kamay ko.

This woman that I abandoned ten years ago was my real heart… I only realized that now.

And I am the one who choose to lose it. I’ve been searching for so long on how to restore my heart that is full of light…

“Gino…” I smiled as she talked in her sleep. Was she dreaming about me? Or maybe she’s half asleep.

Napatingin ako sa bintana, sa parting hindi natatakpan ng kurtina. This is indeed a disaster, but I’m glad at some point that it came… I wouldn’t be able to stare at my heart if it didn’t.

Pinausog ko ang tulog na tulog na si Angel at humiga ako sa tabi nito. If Angel truly didn’t change that much, she’ll wake up later, crying as if no one is with her…

And she’d call my name…

“Gino… Gino!” bigla siyang sumigaw at nagising. I had no choice but to hug her. Saktong naubos ang kandila at nabalot kami ng kadiliman. I felt her hard breaths in my chest.

That was faster than I expected.

“Let’s stay like this for now. It’s too dark…I’m also scared,” I tightened my grip on her waist.

I’ve been in the dark for so long… It’s only this time that obviously my surrounding is very dark but I feel the light and warmth slowly touching my corrupted heart.

Finally, I’m Home…

***