Loose Ends

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Before Tucker could even walk around the car and get the backseat door open, Jaydin had his seat belt unfastened. Damn, he was growing up so fast. Though fiercely independent and usually insistent upon walking, he allowed his daddy to pick him up and carry him into the house. Tucker scooped up his son’s backpack and slung it over his other shoulder.

The front door opened, and Jaydin began blabbering to his mommy about all that he and Daddy had done the previous three days. She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead, then smiled at her ex-husband. “Have you eaten? You’re welcome to join us. I’m grilling burgers on the patio.”

“Mommy, I want nuggets!”

“You just had nuggets for lunch,” Tucker reminded him.

“I want ‘em again. I don’t like ham boogers.”

“You can have a hot dog,” Janelle suggested. “And watermelon.”

“Watermelon? Yay!”

Tucker set Jaydin down and looked at his ex-wife. “I’d better not. I have a ton of work.” He handed her Jaydin’s backpack. “He needs a refill on his inhaler. I called it in to the doctor. Just needs to be picked up at the pharmacy. If you don’t have time—“

“I’ll get it in the morning. Did he need his inhaler? Why didn’t you call me?” Her face crinkled with concern.

“Just once. No big deal.”

“Tucker, damn it.” She stared at him, obviously frustrated.

“Mommy, don’t be mad.” Jaydin wrapped his arm around his mother’s leg. “Daddy helped me. He knows how to do the haler.”

“I thought we’d agreed you’d let me know if he had an attack.”

Tucker took a deep breath. “It was very minor. I’m sorry I didn’t call you.”

“I’m big now!” Jaydin looked up at his mother. “I can do it all by myself. Sort of.”

“I know honey.” She squatted down, lowering herself to his eye-level. “Mommy’s just being silly, a worrywart as usual.”

Tucker actually had almost called her. He’d held the phone in his hand ready to press his thumb on the call button, but had changed his mind. They shared joint custody, and he was equally responsible for his son’s health and safety. She didn’t call Tucker every single time Jaydin had a breathing problem. And what good would it do to call her? She’d just worry unnecessarily.

Sometimes he wondered if he’d made the right decision. Maybe it would have been best for everyone if he’d never come out to Janelle. Or maybe they should have just agreed to continue living in the same house for Jaydin’s sake. But at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. He wanted his ex-wife to get on with her life, meet someone and find happiness. That would never happen with the two of them living under the same roof.

And he thought maybe—just maybe—he’d meet someone, too. Over the previous twelve months, since he’d gotten his own place, Tucker had gone on a couple dates, but they didn’t turn into anything. He might never find another gay guy who’d be interested in a relationship with a man like him, a cop and a father. Jaydin would always be his priority. He’d always have to come first, no matter what. Not many people—male or female—could accept that.

“You’re going to work all weekend, aren’t you?” Janelle knew him like the back of her hand. Of course, he’d be focused on work all weekend. What else was there for him to do? Plus, he had a full boat when it came to caseload, the Ramsey file first and foremost in his mind. Some of the pieces were beginning to come together, but he didn’t yet have enough evidence to proceed.

“You should take the night off, go out with some friends or something. Go have a drink.” She stood with one hand on her hip and looked at him as if she were reading a billboard. How did she do that? How was she able to read his mind…and emotions…so well?

He laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, right. I have so many friends calling I can’t fit them all into my busy social calendar.”

“Well, you big dummy. There’s a reason why you don’t have friends. You have to go out and meet people. You know—show yourself friendly.” Was that a Bible verse she just quoted?

“Mommy! Daddy’s not a dummy.”

“Mommy’s only teasing.” She reached down to ruffle the little boy’s hair.

“No, your mommy’s right. Daddy can be a dummy sometimes. But she should also take her own advice.” He raised his eyebrows as he glanced at Janelle. She was no better than him in this regard. She worked full time, focused all her attention on Jaydin. He didn’t think she had any more of an overbooked social calendar than he had.

“Touché.”

He took a deep breath, then lowered himself to kiss and hug his son goodbye. “You be good for Mommy. I’ll be here Monday night to pick you up.”

“Okay, Daddy. Can we get ice cream?”

He smiled in spite of a futile attempt to remain serious. “I’ll think about it. But we just got ice cream last night.”

“I know! A long time ago.”

As he slipped behind the wheel of his all-too-practical four-door sedan, Tucker looked back to the house before backing out of the driveway. He’d made a choice to give up this life in order to be true to himself and to be honest with his ex-wife and son. He’d thought they’d all be happier once he laid everything out in the open and pursued a life in which he’d felt complete. But this was also part of who he was. Yeah, he was a gay man. He emotionally, socially, and sure-as-f**k physically connected with other men, but he also liked being a dad. He also liked having a family life.

He pulled away and thought about the case he was working on. Ivan Ramsey. Tucker really shouldn’t be thinking about him as much as he was. Though the young man’s attractiveness couldn’t be denied, Tucker wasn’t even in the guy’s league. He was obviously educated. He had a nursing degree and seemed very smart. And he clearly knew about fashion and always looked stunning. Quick-witted, very confident in who he was, and probably most appealing of all—he had a streak of cockiness. He didn’t seem a bit intimidated by Tucker’s position of authority.

Ivan also cared about family—at least he seemed to. He defended his father and brother, and spoke very highly of his mother even after she’d rejected him when he came out to her. Tucker didn’t know how he’d have handled it had his own parents reacted this way to his orientation. And Ivan also possessed an amazing talent when it came to relating to children. Tucker had seen him in action, seen him with Jaydin.

He shook his head. How stupid of him to allow his thoughts to constantly drift back to this topic. This person. It was probably just a case of gay cabin fever. He lived in a small community where there weren’t a whole lot of gay people, certainly not single, twentysomething male gay people. It stood to reason Tucker would notice how attractive the guy was. Who wouldn’t? Maybe Janelle was right. Maybe he needed to go out and relax a bit, make some new friends.

He hadn’t been back to the only gay bar in the county since the one time two years ago when Janelle had found out about him. What would it hurt for him to go and hang out a bit, check things out? Maybe he’d meet someone…maybe just for conversation. Or more. Maybe then he’d get his mind off the one person who was practically driving him crazy.

He nodded resolutely. That’s what he’d do. He’d go to Extasy and forget all about Ivan Ramsey.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Why’d I bother having them box this up?” Ivan laughed as he placed the takeout containers on the floor of the back seat. “Now I have to carry this s**t around in my car.”

“Trust me, you’ll thank yourself later. Leftover Chinese is the best after-s*x binge food.”

“As if.” He closed the door and opened the front driver’s side, then slid behind the wheel. Dustin had already seated himself shotgun.

“See, right there’s your problem.”

“What?” Ivan stared at him, feigning ignorance.

“Your f*****g attitude. My dear, you’ve become so cynical.” He held out his hand, examining his nails. “f**k, I need a mani…bad.”

“Well, I don’t need a manny. I have way too much emotional bullshit going on right now. Too much to deal with.” He slid the key into the ignition and started the car.

“A manicure, bonehead. And you do need a manny, actually. With a big cocky to f**k your booty. That’s what you need. A good, hard f**k. Trust me, there ain’t a problem in the world a nice stiff c**k can’t solve.”

Ivan sighed. “I’d settle for a few stiff drinks right now.” He grew serious as he pulled out of the parking lot. “This is the first time I’ve been out since…”

“I know, sweetie, which is why you’re going to have a good time tonight, get your ass wasted, and then get yourself laid. You need to let go of all this sadness and enjoy yourself. You know she wouldn’t want you wallowing around, all sad and mopey all the time.”

“True.” He glanced over to his friend, offering a sincere yet meek smile. “But on the other hand, my mother wasn’t overjoyed to find out I was gay.”

Dustin’s head twitched just a bit. He reached up to brush hair away from his face, and then he too grew serious. “I’m sorry, Ivan. You know, the timing of that whole thing really sucks. You coming out, I mean, right before the…um, accident. But can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I didn’t know your mother, never met her, so I can’t say everything would have eventually been just fine between you too. I mean, look at me. I haven’t spoken to my folks in the last six years. They’ve disowned me. But because you were so close to your mom, what do you think? Do you think she would have come around and finally accepted you, supported you for who you really are…given more time?”

Ivan stared straight ahead at the lines on the road. After thinking for a moment, he nodded. “I really do.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I think she’d have gone on to become my biggest ally. I think, even though it would’ve been hard at first, she’d have decided that God made me who I am.”

Dustin smiled, then reached over to place his hand on Ivan’s thigh. “There you go, then. That’s what you need to think about. Stop clinging to the painful memory. You’ve let yourself obsess on a single conversation you had with your mom, but in reality, it would have been only the first of many talks you’d have with each other. You knew and loved her with your whole heart. You know she would never abandon or condemn you. She loved you too much.”

The emotion returned, and Ivan had to blink away tears. He didn’t want his grief to ruin the first night he’d had out with a friend in months, but he couldn’t quite conquer the guilt that kept surfacing. What right did he have to be happy? How could he laugh and be silly and tell jokes? How could he even smile…ever again?

But he had to. He knew it was time to press forward, to figure out how to get on with his life, and yes, his mother would very much want this for him. He could speculate forever about what might or might not have happened between them. Yet he’d already decided before he even came out to her, that he was done hiding in the closet.

“I think a lot of the questions we have in life are answered on the other side,” Dustin said. “The issues she had—the way she struggled with initially accepting you as her gay son—are now resolved. She understands now, don’t you think?”

Ivan nodded, wiping his cheek with only his fingertips. He then reached over to the stereo and turned up the volume. Lady Gaga: “Born This Way.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tucker had expected the bar to be hopping on a Friday night, but when he walked in shortly after nine, he could have done a cartwheel down the center aisle and not come close to hitting anyone. He slid onto one of the barstools and was immediately greeted by a smiling, shirtless, college-aged bartender. “Well hello there. What can I get ya?”

Tucker pulled back a bit, straightening his posture in his chair as he gazed at smooth, sunkissed skin that seemed to go on for days. “Um…beer…I guess.”

“Name your poison.” The blond beamed ear to ear and winked. “Draft beer? Bottled? Corona?”

“Hm. Just a Budweiser.”

“Haven’t seen you here before.” The bartender didn’t take his eyes off Tuck as he reached into the cooler for a beer and popped off the cap. “And believe me, I’d remember seeing someone like you.” He slipped a napkin on the counter along with the beer. “Want a glass?”

Tucker shook his head. “I thought it would be busier.”

“All the creatures of the night are just now waking up. Those bitches gotta have time to get their hair foofed and try on every article of clothing they own. Give it an hour…or two. This place will be packed like a can of sardines.” He grinned. “Three fifty.”

Tucker pulled out his wallet and handed over a five. “Yeah, I was in here once before, a long time ago. But it was during the week, and there was this guy…”

“You’re new to this, aren’t ya? Remember the guy’s name? I might know him if he’s a regular.”

“Theo. He was a little older than you, I think. Maybe about my age.”

“How old do you think I am?” The bartender stood with one hand on his hip, eyebrows arched slightly.

“Oh, maybe twenty-two.”

The young man sighed. “I just turned twenty-one, but I’ve been serving drinks since I was nineteen. I think I know the dude you’re talking about, though. He used to come here all the time, but I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s kind of a ginger, ain’t he?”

“Yeah, sort of reddish-brown hair. Said he worked at a veterinary clinic or something.”

“I’m Ben, by the way.” He went to hand Tucker his change, but Tucker waved it away. “Thanks.” Ben had an adorable smile and a nice, tight physique, but he wasn’t the type of guy that excited Tucker. Cute and sexy, but too much a twink.

“I’m Tucker. Nice to meet ya. Yeah, I didn’t think the odds were very good I’d see Theo again.”

“See what happens when you hook up and don’t even bother to exchange numbers? You might be able to find him on Grindr, though. Or if you know his last name…”

“No.” Tucker shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, and we didn’t hook up. Almost, but…”

Ben leaned forward on the bar. “You chickened out?”

“Well, I was sort of…involved with someone else at the time.”

Ben nodded and reached over to touch Tucker’s arm. “A man with integrity. You looked temptation in the face and resisted. I see and hear about so much cheating in this place. It’s nice to know there are a few guys left with scruples.”

Tucker had to laugh. Tell that to my ex-wife. “Well, I’m free now. And alone.”

“Trust me, you won’t be lonely long, not unless you want to be. A man like you…mmm mmm…stick around a couple minutes and you’ll feel like a honeycomb in a beehive. You give ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ a whole new meaning.”

“Thanks. I think.” He raised his beer and took a swig. “I got another question for you. You know a guy named Ivan by any chance?”

“You mean the nurse? Ivan Ramsey? Yeah. I know him. I know him real well. Aaand…speak of the devil. Ivan!” He raised his hand and waved frantically.

Tucker spun around on his stool and looked over to the entrance. There stood Ivan and another guy, far more flamboyantly dressed, the epitome of every gay stereotype.

“Benjy!” Ivan waved, but was almost immediately distracted by someone from behind, another of his friends who’d just stepped in and greeted him. The bar was already starting to fill up.

“Wow. I guess he’s quite popular here.”

Ben sighed. “Oh yeah. I think I’m feeling a bit faint. I might need a nurse to come take by blood pressure.” Tucker took another swig of his beer. “Or check my temperature rectally.” Tucker nearly choked mid-swallow.

Maybe going to the gay bar hadn’t been such a good idea after all.