Loose Ends

Chapter One Holding the stuffed bear in front of his face, Ivan stepped into the hospital room. He bobbed it up and down, then back and forth, and with a high-pitched Pooh-like voice addressed his patient. “I heard someone’s having an operation today!” “Me! I am!” The four-year old pushed himself up, then leaned forward with outstretched arms to reach for the bear. “I know it’s you, Ivan.” “It’s me and Pooh. And you know what? I talked to the doctor, and she said Pooh can go with you when you go in for your operation.” Jaydin scowled. “Bears can’t go in the operating room, can they?” He glanced over to his mother who stood on the opposite side of the bed. She slipped her hand onto the little guy’s shoulder. “Well, honey, they’re going to do the operation when you’re sleeping. Pooh can stay with you till you fall asleep, and he’ll be with you again when you wake up.” “I want him to stay with me the whole time.” “Don’t you worry,” Ivan assured him. “Pooh will be right there.” “And Daddy!” Ivan looked up to briefly establish eye contact with Jaydin’s mom. “Mommy and Daddy will be here. They’ll be waiting for you when you wake up. It’s gonna be so quick and easy. You’ll close your eyes one second, and the next you’ll open them and it will be all over with. And Mommy and Daddy will be there with you.” “Daddy’s not here though.” Jaydin twisted his face, obviously fighting the urge to cry. He blinked and looked up with his big brown eyes at Ivan. “Do you know where my Daddy is?” “He’s on his way, honey.” His mother spoke soothingly, but from the expression on her face, she was as annoyed by her ex-husband’s absence as Ivan. Ivan had been a nurse for four years, the entirety of which he’d worked at St. Joseph’s in the pediatric ward. He’d seen hundreds of little angels come into the unit, some for minor operations and many for more serious, life-threatening procedures. Jaydin needed a tonsillectomy, which might not seem a big deal to the boy’s father, but if Ivan were the little guy’s dad, he’d have been camped out bedside until it was time to take him home. Ivan didn’t understand parents like Jaydin’s father. Obviously, the little boy idolized his daddy, but the man couldn’t be bothered to make it to the hospital in time for his son’s surgery. Ivan walked over to the side of the bed and held out his hand, stroking his fingers across Jaydin’s soft curly hair. “Remember the cool Star Wars Band Aid you got when you first came to the hospital?” “The Storm Trooper?” “Yup. You want another one like that?” Jaydin looked up at him, wide-eyed, smiling. “I want Kylo Ren!” “Kylo Ren? He’s a bad guy, isn’t he?” “So’s the Storm Troopers. Well, wait. Not all of ‘em. Not Finn.” “Hmm.” Ivan reached into his pocket and pulled out an assortment of animated bandages. “Let’s see. I’ve got Rey, and here’s R2D2, and another storm trooper. I don’t have any Kylo.” Jaydin’s bottom lip protruded, but only for a second, then he leaned forward to examine the bandages. “I want R2D2.” He smiled, arching his eyebrows in the cutest expression Ivan had ever seen, then suddenly grew serious. “Wait! Why do I get a Band Aid? I don’t have a owie.” Panicked, he looked up at his mother with pleading eyes. “I don’t want a ivy! Mom…” His face began to crinkle into an expression of anguished terror just as Ivan spun around in response to footsteps he heard from behind. “Hey big guy!” A tall, dark, and handsome white dude stood in the door holding a stuffed Winnie the Pooh bear, about twice the size of the one Ivan had just delivered. “Daddy! I don’t want a ivy!” So this was Jaydin’s father? Ivan had assumed the boy’s dad was African American like his mother, but this explained Jaydin’s lighter skin tone and softer curls. “Where have you been?” Jaydin’s mom barely concealed her irritation of her ex-husband’s tardiness. Glaring at him, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Remember what we talked about, Jay Jay?” The man ignored his ex-wife and moved closer to the bed, holding out his Pooh bear. “We gotta be brave sometimes, even if it means doing things we don’t want to do.” “But Daddy! It’s like a shot.” Jaydin had been in and out of the hospital quite a bit in his young life, battling numerous throat and ear infections. He also suffered from chronic bronchial asthma, and Jaydin had been hospitalized a couple of times after having attacks. As young as he was, he knew all about hospital procedures, including the dreaded I.V. Though Ivan had been Jaydin’s nurse previously, he’d never met the boy’s father. What Ivan did know, however, was that the little boy idolized the man. He was some sort of cop from what Ivan had gathered. Jaydin had repeatedly bragged about how his daddy’s job was to catch the bad guys. “It’s just a little teenie, tiny poke, though.” Tall, dark, and handsome lowered himself to sit on the edge of the mattress. “And it’s so they can give you medicine when you’re having your operation. Right?” He looked up at Ivan for confirmation. “That’s right.” Ivan forced a smile, a wave of annoyance sweeping over him. Where was this man the last two hours as his son lay fretting and panicking that his daddy wasn’t even going to show up for his operation? And now here he was at last sweeping in to act like the big, badass hero. Ivan moved to the other side of the bed, stepping around Jaydin’s mother as Mr. Macho Police Detective remained next to his son holding the little boy’s hand. Ivan ever so gently took hold of Jaydin’s other wrist, examining the arm carefully as he sought the best location for insertion of the I.V. needle. Jaydin’s father continued to talk to the boy, promising him ice cream and Jell-O with lots of whipped cream after his operation. As Jaydin engaged with his daddy, completely distracted from what Ivan was doing with his arm, Ivan expertly planted the I.V. Jaydin looked over, only slightly startled by the needle prick, but his daddy gently placed his fingers beneath the boy’s chin and guided his gaze back in the other direction, casually acting as if nothing was happening. Quickly Ivan peeled open the bandage wrapper and secured the R2D2 unit over the taped I.V. port. “There ya go, little man. Good to go. You got your R2 and two Pooh bears.” “And my daddy!” Jaydin’s mom slid next to her son as Ivan gathered up his supplies. “And Mommy,” Jaydin added. “Together…like it used to be.” The boy’s parents glanced at each other, then each turned to their son, smiling. “No matter what,” Jaydin’s dad said, “we’ll both always be here for our little guy.” “I’m not little no more, Daddy.” “No you’re not,” his mother said. “You’re growing up so fast.” “I’m almost gonna be five, and you promised I can have a party, right?” “Right.” Jaydin’s father nodded. “With a Star Wars cake.” “Kylo Ren. I want a Kylo Ren cake!” ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Every inch of Tucker Brown’s six-foot-seven frame tensed with guilt as he sat hunched over in the waiting room chair. He rested his elbows on his knees with his head bowed as his ex-wife read him the riot act. “Maybe you don’t think a minor surgery like this is a big deal. Maybe you consider it routine, but it’s not routine to that little boy, that little man who idolizes the ground you walk on, Tuck. He’s been fretting since the moment he woke up that his daddy wasn’t there yet.” Tucker sighed, shaking his head. “I know. You’re right. I should’ve been here earlier, and I don’t think surgery of any kind is routine on my…I mean… on our son.” He looked over to her. “I shouldn’t have left.” “What do you mean, you shouldn’t have left?” “Here. I shouldn’t have left earlier. I got here at five o’clock this morning. Like an i***t, I brought donuts, Jaydin’s favorites, then remembered he couldn’t eat anything.” Her expression softened, and the corners of her mouth twitched almost unnoticeably. “Then I got a call from work. Which…” He sighed again, more dramatically. “Which I shouldn’t have even answered. There’s been a fire not far from here, and a woman was killed. I thought I could make it to the scene and check in with Viviano. He’ll be assisting with the case. The whole thing was a clusterfuck.” “A woman was killed?” Janelle’s words, steeped in empathy, pierced Tucker’s heart. She didn’t even know the victim, and yet was concerned. It was no wonder he loved her so much. Christ, he always had. They’d been best friends since high school, and she was the only woman he’d ever even thought of marrying. “Tuck, I’m sorry.” She slid over to the seat beside him and pressed her fingertips against his arm. “You okay?” He nodded. “I’m fine. By the time I got there, it was already too late. She was already gone. Her dog too. She was only in her mid-forties.” “But there was foul play?” Janelle knew how it worked. She knew Tucker handled homicides, and he wouldn’t have been called to a fire unless there was some evidence it hadn’t necessarily been accidental. “Too early to know anything for sure, but it looks like the fire had been set.” At the moment, Tucker wasn’t concerned about the fire. As tragic as the woman’s death might be, it wasn’t Tucker’s primary concern. Jaydin was the only one that mattered right now. In his four short years of life, the little guy had been a trooper. He’d already endured so much, in and out of the hospital so many times. Hopefully the removal of his tonsils would make a difference, but Tucker feared it wouldn’t end here. The doctor had already suggested he might have to undergo another surgery to have tubes placed in his ears. When it came to his own life, Tucker hadn’t always made the wisest decisions, but he’d never regret marrying Janelle. Their union had produced the best thing that had ever happened to Tucker. Jaydin was everything to him, and it killed Tucker to see his son suffering. Every kid deserved a happy, healthy childhood, and Jaydin was not just any kid. He was so bright for his age, so understanding beyond his years. And he had such a pure, innocent heart. Tucker and Janelle shared joint custody. They alternated weekends. Every week, Tucker would have Jaydin either the weekend plus two week days or three weekdays. They divided up the holidays, to keep things fair. But the official schedule didn’t really matter. He and Janelle had a very amicable relationship, and they both were committed to doing what was best for their son. They never argued or spoke ill of each other. In fact, they had become even closer friends after the divorce. Thinking back on what they’d been through in their relationship, Tucker counted his blessings. “Goddammit, Janelle, will you give it a rest? I don’t even know what you’re asking. I don’t know what you f*****g expect from me!” Tucker ran a hand through his close-cropped hair and turned to stare out the window. The gray sky and steady drizzle of rain provided a befitting backdrop to his melancholy mood. His whole world was crumbling beneath his feet, but he barely felt anything. At this point, his emotions had numbed. “You weren’t at Extasy for a three-hour stakeout, Tucker.” She referred to the gay nightclub every man, woman, and child, straight or gay, knew about. Fulton County wasn’t exactly a thriving, progressive metropolis. Extasy’s reputation as the one-and-only social outlet for LGBT people was solidly established. “And the porn sites? What about them? And… and Tucker.” Her voice began to crack. “When was the last time we even made love?” He spun around to face her, praying his body wasn’t visibly trembling as badly as his insides. Was this even happening? This could only be a bad dream, an unthinkable nightmare. “Janelle…” He closed his eyes, then reopened them to stare into hers which were now brimming with tears. Moving closer, he reached out to her, but she quickly pulled back. “I’ve never cheated,” he whispered. “Only in your heart.” Her voice softened to a whisper. “I love you. Dammit, baby. You know I do. And I love Jaydin…with all my heart.” “But I’m not enough.” She stepped over to the bureau and pulled open the drawer where she stashed a pack of cigarettes. They’d both quit smoking before Jaydin was born, but she sneaked one every now and then. Snatching the pack of Newports and a lighter, she breezed past Tucker and slung open the sliding glass window. Tucker followed her outside as she torched her cigarette then inhaled deeply. He stood beside her watching the stream of exhale smoke, tempted briefly to fire up one of his own. They stood together beneath the overhang as the rain continued its drizzle. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t have the fortitude to continue lying. The lies, especially those he told himself, were exhausting. He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t continue his charade. “I haven’t been with anyone since we started dating. I’ve thought about it. I’ve been tempted. But I could never go through with it. I knew I’d never be able to live with myself.” She stared at him for a moment, her eyes boring a hole into his soul. “That’s supposed to make me feel better?” He shook his head. “I made a choice, and that hasn’t changed. Janelle, I chose you. I chose us! And I chose Jaydin. What more can I do? What are you asking? For a pound of my flesh? Dammit! Lord knows I’d give it to you. I’d give you anything. I’d do anything to just make this all go away.” The way she held her cigarette up, standing tall and defiant with her lips pursed, was strangely sexy. Tucker had always been struck by her beauty, her confidence. It didn’t quite make sense to him that he could be so aware of her attractiveness without feeling attracted to her. He had certainly wanted to feel the attraction. He wanted to be a normal husband and a strong, masculine role model for his son. He wanted to make his parents proud, fit in with the guys at work, all the typical things every man wanted for his life. “I know you love me,” she said. “I even think you’re in love with me, at least as much as that’s possible.” “I am—“ She held up her hand to silence him. “Have you slept with another man?” His eyes locked upon hers, and though he wanted more than anything to just look away, he couldn’t pull free from her gaze. He owed this to her. He had to be honest. He slowly nodded. “Yes, before we were married.” “Before we were married? And you didn’t think it was worth mentioning to me?” “I should—“ “Damn right, you should have! Jesus, Tucker!” She took another drag off her cigarette. “I thought it was a stage. I thought…I thought I was just confused, just experimenting.” He sighed, defeated. “I thought it would all just go away once we were happily married. And you know what? It did. It did go away, at least for the most part. I thought at one point I’d finally shaken the monkey from my back. I thought I’d become normal.” When the tears did begin to trickle down her cheeks, Tucker fought the urge to pull her into himself. He’d caused her all this pain, and now he just wanted to comfort her. But he couldn’t. What a f*****g hypocrite he’d been. What a liar. She crushed out her cigarette and stepped toward him. “I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through,” she said, not so much as a sliver of bitterness or sarcasm in her voice. “I can’t imagine your pain.” He felt his mouth drop open, then gulped and clenched his teeth together. Blinking, he fought the sting of tears behind his eyes. “No, I don’t deserve compassion.” She placed her hand against his arm, ever so softly, and continued to stare into his eyes. “There’s a part of me, Tucker Brown, that hates you for lying to me. But the better me knows what a wonderful man you are.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve got to process all this. I’ve got to sort it out in my head and my heart, but we’ll work it out. We’ll work it out.” She leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. “Tucker, the doctor!” Janelle quickly rose to her feet. Tucker stood to greet the doctor who quickly smiled, and before either parent could utter a word, answered the burning question. “Jaydin’s doing fine. The surgery went well, and you’ll be able to see him in a few minutes in the recovery room.”