Fortress Island Series 1: Alejandro, Love Just Ain't Enough

FIFTEEN: Dreams

Sa loob ng tatlong araw na iyon ay hindi kami halos nagkibuan ni Alejandro. Madalas ay nagkukulong lamang ito sa kanyang kwarto. Minsan naman pag may itatanong ako sa kanya ay iling at tango lang ang kanyang sagot sa akin. Iniiwasan din nito na magtama ang aming mga mata. Hindi na rin kami tumatambay sa balcony tuwing hapon para pagmasdan ang tanawin. Hindi na rin ito nagbabasa ng libro.

Nang matapos kong marinig ang pinag-usapan nila ng kanyang ama ay wala akong lakas ng loob na tanungin ito tungkol doon. Okay lang din. Kasi di ko rin alam kung ano ang aking mararamdaman kapag sinagot niya ako ng totoo. Kapag kaharap ko siya ay nagkukunwari akong walang alam. Kinakausap ko ito at inaasar katulad ng aking nakagawian. But he would just dismiss me by wheeling himself to other direction o di kaya ay papasok sa silid at magkukulong na lamang doon. Since he came back from the library, I’ve been getting the cold shoulder from him.

Sa gabi ay hindi ako nakakatulog. Kusa na lang umaalpas ang mga hikbi na hindi ko mapigilan. Iniisip ko ang mga araw na masaya kaming naghaharutan ni Alejandro. Namimiss ko ang masayahin niyang mukha. Namimiss ko rin ang pikon at iritado niyang ekspresyon sa akin. I missed our small talk. Sa ngayon kasi ay halos wala akong makuhang reaksiyon mula sa kanya. He’s been giving me deadpan expression and it hurts a little inside.

Kung totoo mang nagbabalat-kayo lamang ito sa akin para mapanatili niya ako sa isla at para matagumpayan niya ang kasunduan niya sa kanyang ama ay tatanggapin ko. Pero mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat ng katotohanan kung siya mismo ang magsasabi sa akin. Kung siya mismo ang magkusang magpaliwanag.

Because I’d like to believe that I deserve to know the truth, no matter how ugly it is. At kahit hindi ko maintindihan ang lahat ng iyon, iintindihin ko pa rin para sa kanya.

Kung makakabuti sa kanya ang kasunduan na iyon, magiging masaya ako sa kanya. Bakit hindi? Kahit wala namang kasunduang naganap, tatapusin ko pa rin naman ang dalawang buwang serbisyo ko sa kanya gaya ng pinangako ko sa aking sarili.

May palagay akong hindi alam ng Senyora ang tungkol dito. Because if she did, she would not have asked me to stop from being a carer to his son. She would probably give Alejandro her full support from tricking me just to make me stay.

I sighed inwardly. I feel like our relationship is back to square one. Nangangapa at nakikiramdam lamang. Sana nga pwedeng mag-umpisa ulit. If I only knew things would turn out like this, I will probably guard my heart with all my might. Pero tingin ko, kahit anong pagsisikil ko sa damdamin ko sa kanya, mangingibabaw pa rin ang pagmamahal na sa kanya lamang nakalaan.

Pumikit ako nang mariin habang nakatayo sa labas ng kanyang pintuan. Kumatok ako ng tatlong beses, but he ain’t responding. It’s time for our dinner at nakagayak na ang mesa. Lumabas ito kanina para saluhan akong mag-almusal pero pagkatapos nun ay bumalik lang din ito sa kwarto at hindi na lumabas para sa tanghalian. Masama ang loob ko sa kanya pero ayoko ring ipilit pa ang gusto ko. Kung gusto niyang magkulong buong araw, bahala siya.

But because he skipped lunch, he must be hungry now. At kailangan niyang lumabas sa lungga niya dahil kung hindi, I swear to God, sisirain ko ang doorknob ng kanyang pintuan para lang pasukin ito at ratratan ng mga litaniya ko na wala doon, wala dito. What is he sulking about? Di ba dapat ako nga itong magkulong at magtampo sa kanya? Siya nga itong may hidden agenda sa akin eh!

“Alejandro.” I called his name. I knocked his door again. I rolled my eyes when there is no response. Suminghap ako at pinuno ng hangin ang aking dibdib. Patience, Bea. You need a lot of patience on this one.

“Alejandro. Oras na ng hapunan. Natutulog ka ba? The door is locked. I can’t come in. Please answer me if you are still breathing.”

Tinapat ko ang aking tainga sa pintuan and I heard noises. He’s probably lying in his bed when I knocked and he’s now transferring himself into the wheelchair. “Buhay ka pa ba?” Nilakasan ko ang aking boses.

“Of course, I am.” He answered in a hard tone. Napangisi ako. Kahit ang simpleng kagaspangan ng kanyang boses ay nakakapagdulot na ng munting kasiyahan sa akin.

Umatras ako nang bahagya dahil alam kong bubuksan nito ang pintuan at ayokong makaharang sa kanya. At nang bumukas nga iyon, bumulaga sa akin ang magulong mukha ni Alejandro. Kung dati ay matiyaga niyang tinatali ang kanyang buhok, ngayon ay hinayaan niyang nakasabog lamang ito. Tila ba hindi napasadahan ng suklay ngayong araw.

“Kakain na tayo. You need to tie your hair up.” Ani ko sa mababang boses.

“Tie it for me.” He answered quietly. Umiling ako at di na lamang kumibo. Kinuha ko ang kanyang suklay at panali sa bathroom nito at binilisan ko ang aking kilos.

Tumapat ako sa kanyang likuran at banayad na sinuklay ang kanyang may kahabaan na na buhok. Sinuklay ko iyong mabuti at saka tinalian. Binalik ko ang suklay sa lagayan nito sa bathroom. Paglabas ko sa kanyang silid ay wala na ito sa labas ng pintuan at tumungo na sa dining area. My noses flared but I’ve held myself together. I need to. Dahil kapag ako ay napuno, baka mailabas ko ang lahat ng sama ng loob at hinanakit na dinudulot niya sa akin ngayon.

Ang dami ko pang gustong itanong sa kanya. Kung sino ang mag-ina ang tinutukoy ng Senyor. At si Adrielle. Parang gusto kong maawa sa babae dahil bakas sa boses nito ang tuwa nang sinagot ni Alejandro ang tawag nito noong nasa beach kami.

The silence is defeaning. Tanging tunog ng mga kubyertos lamang ang maririnig. Alejandro is not eating well. He just keeps on twirling the pasta with his fork. Ako rin naman. Buhat ng araw na iyon ay nawalan na rin ng ganang kumain pero alam ko sa sarili kong kailangan kong kumain para may lakas ako. I can’t afford to get sick. Not now. Not ever.

“Hindi laruan ang nasa harap mo. Pagkain yan.” Sambit ko sa matigas na tinig. Isang kalabit nalang talaga at baka tuluyan nang maubos ang pagtitimpi ko.

He sighed deeply at binaba ang tinidor. His shoulders slumped as he hung his head low like a defeated soul.

Binaba ko rin ang kubyertos na aking hawak because my fingers are starting to get shaky. I hate this feeling. I hate to see him being like this. Where did my nasty, ill-tempered, grumpy Alejandro go?

Tumingala ako sandali at pumikit nang mariin. Isang buntong-hininga ang aking pinakawalan saka ako umupo paharap sa kanya. “May gusto ka bang sabihin sa akin, Alejandro?”

He shook his head. Konting-konti nalang talaga.

“Raise your head and look at me.”

Umiling ulit ito. “Ayoko.”

Tumaas ang dulo ng kilay ko. “At bakit?”

“May gusto ka rin bang sabihin sa akin?” He asked me instead.

“Marami. Pero mas pinili ko na lamang ang manahimik, Ale.”

“Then keep them to yourself. Don’t talk about anything.”

Binagsak ko ang aking palad sa table at nagkalansingan ang mga gamit na naroon. Alejandro flinched but he didn’t bother to look at me.

“Gusto mo akong manahimik? Do you really want me to just shut up? Wala ba talaga akong karapatang magtanong o malaman ang totoo? Ayaw mo ba talagang malaman kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon? Kasi, Alejandro, sasabog na ang utak ko sa kakaisip! Sumasakit ang dibdib ko sa pagtatago ng totoo kong damdamin! Gusto kong magalit sa’yo. Gusto kitang komprontahin! Pero sa kabila ng lahat, gusto ko pa rin na ikaw ang unang magsalita. I am giving you the chance to explain about what is happening here! You’ve been an ass these past few days! Akala mo ay makakatulong iyon sa sitwasyon natin? I need your explanation! You owe me that much because between the two of us, I am the victim here! Karapatan ko naman sigurong malaman kung ano ang totoong motibo mo sa akin! Gusto kong malaman kung lahat ng ito ay pagkukunwari lamang! Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba talaga ako sa buhay mo! I deserve to know the truth! Kahit yun lang ang ibigay mo sa akin Alejandro, okay na ako. So that I can stop deluding myself na kahit paano…na kahit paano…may halaga din ako sa’yo katulad nang kung gaano ka na rin kahalaga sa akin ngayon.” Nabasag ang boses ko at hindi na napigilan pa ang humikbi.

Alejandro has finally raised his head and looked me straight in the eyes. And looking back at him now, it pains me. His empty eyes are squeezing my heart it makes me out of breath.

“And that’s exactly why I just want you to never talk at all, Bea. Natatakot ako sa mga itatanong mo. Natatakot ako na baka sabihin mong gusto mo nang umalis at iwan ako ng tuluyan. Ayokong marinig mula sa’yo ang mga katagang iyon.”

“Do you want me to stay?” My words came out like a whisper. I suddenly feel tired from everything.

“Yes.”

“Then tell me the reason why I need to stay.” Please tell me because you love me, and not because you need me to fullfill the words you promised to your father.

“I can’t tell you. Hindi pa sa ngayon.”

I nodded as I chewed my lower lip. “You asked me once if I trust you. And I said yes. I really do trust you, Alejandro. I wanted to trust you that’s why I didn’t stop myself from falling in love with you. Pero ngayon, hindi ko alam.”

“I am sorry.” His voice shook a little.

“Don’t. It’s not your fault. It is my mistake for trusting someone you.” Ani ko sa mapait na tono. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo. “Wag kang mag-alala. Tutulungan kita na mapagtagumpayan ang kasunduan mo sa iyong ama. Hindi ako aalis sa isla. Ilang linggo na nalang naman ang ipagtitiis ko.” Ani ko at akmang aalis sa hapagkainan ngunit inabot nito ang aking kamay.

“Baby…” Puno ng pagsumamo ang pahiwatig ng boses nito pero hindi ako magpapadala. Hangga’t hindi nito sinasabi sa akin ang lahat-lahat, wala siyang mapapalang atensyon mula sa akin. It would be fair to me, at least.

Umiling ako sa kanya. “You lost me, Ale. You lost me.”

Alejandro’s POV

As my eyes followed her retreating back, my hands clenched into fist. Something is piercing in my heart that it’s hard for me to gasp for air. I wanted to stop her from walking away from me. I wanted to tell her everything what I have been hiding inside. But I’m too coward to do that. I could not bring myself to reminisce what happened that day.

I want to tell her. I want it to be her. To be the first person to know. Of course, my father is aware of what happened. But he never asked me. My mother was too emotional that she couldn’t ask the question herself. My little brother would just give me a knowing look but didn’t even bother to voice out the questions in his mind. Nobody asked me person to person what happened that day. Nobody had the courage to look me in the eye and ask, “tell me what happened. I am here to listen.” All they did was to throw me a pity look and assumed that I have been traumatized and emotionally unstabled, which is true. But with Bea, it’s a different matter. Even if she didn’t ask, I was ready to tell her my story. Day by day, I gathered the smallest courage and strength I could get so that I could be able to face her and tell her everything. There are things that I need to tell her. Admissions I need to make. Secrets I need to reveal.

I know Bea heard what my father and I talked about back in the library. I was so upset about it. I was angry that she evesdropped. I was so willing to sit with her and let her cuddle me while I’d be narrating the sequence of events that happened that day. Dahil sa lahat ng taong nasa paligid ko ngayon, siya lang ang pinagkakatiwalaan ko. God, I so wanted to open up to her and let her witness my breakdown. I trusted her that much because I was so sure she’s going to fix me back. Because she’s my miracle I never thought I’d needed. But I did. I need her.

Bea...I’m sorry for hurting you baby…but you could have waited….I wanted to bare my soul to you on your last day with me. And lets you decide if you’re still willing to take me into your life. But now, I don’t know where to start again. I’ve lost that confidence again.

I sighed deeply. Her plate was barely touched. She had not eaten her dinner. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa akin at hindi mapalagay na pumasok ito sa kwarto na hindi man lang naghapunan. She loves to eat. I enjoyed watching her eating with gusto. And thinking that she’s going to sleep with an empty stomach bothers the hell out of me.

I moved my wheel and took her plate. Gumilid ulit ako at kinuha ang food tray na nasa kitchen counter. I placed her plate on the tray and put the whole thing on my lap. I glanced at his bedroom door. She’d probably lock it. I have the keys, but I don’t want to invade her peace. She might get upset to me more than she already is now.

Marahan akong lumapit sa pintuan ng kanyang silid. Nai-imagine ko na bigla iyong bumukas and Bea will come running to me and sit on my lap and she will let me nuzzle her intoxicating fragnant. Oh, I love Bea’s smell. A mixture of sweet and sunshine.

Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. Too early for dreaming like that, Alejandro.  I hurt Bea this time. I don’t know how to fix this. To fix us. Bringing her food is a lame excuse for peace-offering, but I’d still want to try my luck.

Nasa tapat na ako ng kanyang pintuan and I was about to knock, but the sound of Bea’s hiccups and sobs sent me to the edge and nearly killed me. I placed my forehead against the door as my jaw clenched. I felt terrible to the point that I questioned the person above why He let me live. I should have died on that day…..

Bea’s POV

Friday. Maagang aalis si Alejandro at ang mga magulang nito para tumungo sa Maynila para sa kanyang therapy schedule. I thought it would be difficult for me to convince him, but it tuned out, I didn’t have to convince him at all dahil siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin tungkol dito. I think leaving the island is the best excuse he could get para makaiwas ito sa akin.

“Are you going to the main city tomorrow?” He asked while we were waiting for the lift to open.

“Yes.” Sagot ko.

“Will I…will I still see you when I get back?”

Bumukas ang lift at hindi agad ako nakasagot. I pushed him slowly into the lift.

“Baby?” I could sense the panic in his voice. Nang nasa loob na kami at sumara ang metal na pintuan, saka pa lang ako sumagot.

“Yes.”

He sighed as if he was relieved by my answer. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.” I answered plainly.

“Bea.” Seryoso nitong sambit sa aking pangalan. “Please, can we just forget about what happened few days ago? Can we pretend that it did not happen and that you didn’t hear anything? Please, baby. You, being cold and serious, are scaring me to death.”

“Is that the best solution you got? Because Alejandro, it’s lame.”

“Just at least for now, Bea. I am sorry if I can’t be honest with you, but I will soon. Please give me time, baby.”

“It ironic though. You’re asking me to pretend I didn’t know a thing when in fact, that’s a reality! I really don’t know a single thing, Alejandro. I’m blided by all of this. You don’t expect me to just shrug my shoulders and act like it doesn’t matter because, it actually does.”

He sighed in resignation. Akala ko ay hindi na ito magsasalita pero he spoke again. “I missed you. I missed you so much that it hurts inside, Bea. I wanted to hold you in the night, and I wanted to goof around with you during the day. I missed you, baby. And what hurts more is to pretend that I don’t.” He held my hand and pulled me a little. Pero hindi ako nagpadala sa simpleng lambing nito. Nanatili ako sa aking kinatatayuan.

My heart was in my throat. I wanted to tell him that I missed him more. That I suddenly felt cold in the night without his touch. When I heard the ding sound of the elevator, mas lalo akong lumayo sa kanya. Alam ko kasing nasa ground floor na ang mg magulang nito at naghihintay sa kanyang pagbaba.

At tama nga ako, nang bumukas ang lift door, nakaabang na ang Senyor at Senyora. May ngiti sa mga labi ng magulang. Alam kong sobrang galak nila ngayon dahil taliwas sa kanilang inaasahan, madaling napapayag si Alejandro para sa therapy session nito.

I bowed my head after I greeted them. Tinulak ko ang wheelchair ni Alejandro palabas ng lift. His father overtook my position when I moved away.

I gave Alejandro a fleeting glance bago ako bumalik sa loob ng lift. Alejandro turned his wheel paharap sa akin, sa gulat ko. He pressed the button, stopping the door to close.

Umiling ako. “You take care. I will see you on Monday.” Ani ko at pinindot ang close button sa loob ng lift.

His pained and sad eyes bore into mine. “One minute.” He swallowed. “Let me stare at you for one minute, baby.”

Napalunok ako. I looked away from his penetrating gaze. I can’t look at him. I might lose control and run to him and kiss him and tell him that I’m okay, even if I am far from being one.

I pressed the close button again. “See you soon.” Sa garalgal na boses na sambit ko. His mother stopped him from pressing the button outside. Senyor shook his head as he started moving Alejandro away from the door.

When the lift door finally closes, saka pa lang ako napasandal sa pader. I hugged myself as I let my tears washed the pain away.

I’m already missing you, Alejandro. And this feeling is killing me. Come and meet me in my dreams tonight. Dahil sa panaginip, I don’t feel the pain, only happiness. Let’s be happy in our dreams, Alejandro.