Fortress Island Series 1: Alejandro, Love Just Ain't Enough

FOURTEEN: Kapalit

I chose to wear my favourite pink tank top and paired it with denim shorts. I braided my hair to the side. Nagpahid ako ng konting lip gloss sa aking mga labi. When I felt like I was satisfied with my look, kinuha ko ang nag-iisa kong sling bag at nilagay doon ang aking cellphone.

Hustong pagtapat ko sa pintuan ng bedroom ni Alejandro ay bumukas iyon. Agad na sumilay ang ngiti sa aking labi nang magtama ang aming mga mata. He was smiling too.

Naka blue T-shirt ito at katulad ko ay naka denim shorts din siya. Nakatali ang kanyang mahabang buhok. Sa kanyang kamay ay hawak nito ang kanyang cellphone.

“You okay with those?” Tukoy ko sa kanyang shorts. The scars from the accident he got into are still visible. They don’t look ugly to me, but he might feel uncomfortable if there are other people around.

“It’s fine. The scars on my back and hip are far worse than this. Thank God I can hide them from their eyes, and I can save myself from the pity they will throw at me. Oh well, people always give their sorry expression to someone who is tied up in their wheelchair, won’t they?”

“It can’t be avoided, Alejandro.”

“The last thing I want from them is their pity.”

 I sighed. “Sympathy is far different from pity. Naipapagkamali mo ang dalawang iyon, Alejandro.”

“So, are you trying to say that you’re being sympathetic to me? Hindi kaya naipagkakamali mo din ang damdamin mo sa akin? You might actually think you love me, but the truth is, nakikisimpatya ka lang sa kalagayan ko.”

Breathe in, Bea. Alejandro’s asshole mode is ON just like that. “Wow. Ang lagay ba eh, mas marunong ka pa sa akin, Ale? Have you ever looked into my heart? Para akusahan mo ako ng ganyan?”

His Adam’s apple moved from swallowing. He is so defensive, and he isn’t aware that when does it, it affects me. It hurts me. Tinitigan ko lamang ito, trying to hide the agony he inflicted in me.

His hard expression changed. The nerve popping out from his neck is gone. He grunted and shut his eyes tightly. When he opened them, his deep sunken eyes met mine.

“Let’s not argue. Don’t get mad at me.” Pabulong na sambit nito.

Of course, I am mad! “I am not mad at you, just a little bit upset.” Upset is an understatement. I still managed to give him a smile.

When he smiled, alam ko na agad na okay na ito. But at the back of my mind, ang dami pang issues na kailangan maresolba ni Alejandro. At nanatakot akong baka hindi ko iyon mababago o maayos, lalo na’t pakiramdam ko’y si Alejandro mismo ang ayaw kumawala sa mga ito.

“Ready?” Pinagaan ko ang tono ng boses ko.

Alejandro raked his gaze up and down my body at tumigil sa aking mukha ang kanyang tingin. “You look beautiful.” Tila nagpipigil itong ngumisi. “How do I look?”

“Hmm…seems like someone is fishing for compliment. Pero sige na nga. You look handsome, Alejandro. Ang gwapo-gwapo mo talaga.” I winked at him.

“Mas gwapo kay Romano?” Nagtaas ng kilay ito.

I was caught off-guard and then I rolled my eyes upward. “Do you always compare yourself to your younger brother?”

Umiling ito. “No. Hindi kahit kailan. Alam ko naman na sa kalagayan kong ito, mas nakakahigit siya at okay lang iyon sa akin. And even before the accident happened, I had never compared myself to him or to anyone. But things are completely different now. And because you like him, I feel threatened.” He cleared his throat.

I snorted. Lumapit ako sa kanya. Tinukod ko ang dalawang braso ko sa armrest ng wheelchair niya at yumuko para magpantay ang mukha namin. Halos isang dangkal na lang ang layo ng mga ilong namin. Sinadya ko. “After what happened last night, you have the audacity to tell me that?” I c****d my eyebrow at him. Alejandro’s eyes fell to my half-opened mouth. “I like him, yes, because he’s my idol. I am his fan. Pero ikaw? You have me. All of me.”

Tinawid ni Alejandro ang distansiya ng mga mukha namin. He attacked my lips ferociously. May kasamang panggigigil. I instantly gave in and welcomed his tongue in my wet cavern. Aisshht. Goodbye lip gloss.

Kung hindi pa mapupugto ang mga hininga namin ay hindi ito titigil. “All of you? Hmmm…we haven’t gone there yet, baby. But we’ll get there. We will definitely get there.” He ran his thumb across my lower lip.

Pinamulahan ako ng mukha. Kung ano-anong imahe ang pumapasok sa isip ko. I did watch porns with my friends, but I can’t imagine myself doing it with Alejandro. Like how?

Kung isipan ang paiiralin, alam kong mali. Unang-una, hindi ko alam kung anong tawag sa relasyon na mayroon kami ngayon ni Alejandro. Hindi ito nanliligaw. Hindi ito nagpapahiwatig na gusto nito akong maging nobya o kasintahan. Pangalawa, ang ibigay ang sarili sa lalakeng hindi mo tiyak kung kayo ba hanggang huli ay isang kahibangan. Pangatlo, nag-aaral pa lang ako. If I am going to cross the line, tiyak akong mawawalan ako ng focus sa pag-aaral. Pang-apat, s*x is common nowadays, but it is still immoral, lalo na’t isang buwan pa lang ang nakakalipas buhat nang makilala ko ang lalake. Pang lima at pinakamatindi sa lahat, I am still unsure about how he feels towards me. I don’t think he loves me enough, because if does, he would have let me in. he would have told me about the monsters inside him. about what he truly feels and wants in life.

I tilted my head sideways. Ayoko munang ma-stress kaka-isip sa mga iyon. Ang mahalaga sa ngayon ay magkasama kami.

When we reached their huge living room, nasalubong namin ang kanyang mga magulang. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa handle lalo na at umasim ang mukha ng Senyora pagkakita sa akin.

“Good morning, hijo. I’m surprised you’re here. Hindi ba at oras na ng iyong almusal?” Yumuko ito para halikan sa pisngi ang anak.

“Mamaya na kami kakain, Ma. Bea and I are planning to take a stroll along the beach.”

“Stroll along the beach!? Are you trying to say that—that you’re going out?!” Senyora’s voice screeched. Tila hindi ito makapaniwala sa narinig. Nagsalubong ang kilay nito at pinaglipat-lipat nito ang tingin sa aming dalawa.

“Bea, ikaw ba ang nagplano nito?” She asked accusingly.

“Hindi po ba pwede?”

“Of course, that’s fine, hija. Mas makakabuti kay Alejandro ang lumabas paminsan-minsan. This will be the first time in months na lumabas siya sa kanyang comfort zone. Thank you for convincing him.” His father looked at me with a small smile on his lips. Alejandro resembles a lot from his father. When he grows old, may idea na ako kung ano ang magiging hitsura niya.

“She didn’t convince me. It was my idea.” Alejandro spoke in a nonchalant shrug.

Suminghap nang malalim ang ina na agad na napakapit sa braso ng Senyor. Hindi nito maitago ang pagkagulat sa narinig. “You---well then, why don’t we go out with you, anak. Ilang beses ka na naming inaya noon ng iyong ama at kapatid pero lagi mo kaming tintatanggihan. Now that you want to have a walk—I mean, to get closer to the nature, then might as well, join you.” His mother smiled at nilingon ang asawa. “Tamang-tama, kakatapos lang namin mag-agahan ng iyong ama. Kailangan din naming maglakad-lakad para pampababa ng aming kinain.”

Alejandro shook his head. Inibot nito ang kamay kong nakahawak sa handle ng wheelchair. “I’d prefer to spend time with Bea alone, Ma. Hindi rin naman kami magtatagal.”

Tumikhim ang Ginang na ang mga mata ay nakatitig sa mga palad naming magkalapat. “Of course, anak. Naiintindihan ko. Pero kailangan ay may iba kang kasama bukod kay Bea dahil hindi natin alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa paglabas mo na ito. Danger is everywhere. I will ask your father’s bodyguards to join you.”

“Ma, I am in the f*****g island. Anong kapahamakan ang mangyayari sa akin dito? Diyan lang kami sa malapit. Hindi kami lalayo.” Iritang sagot nito sa kanyang hina. Her mother winced from the roughness of his voice.

Bahagya kong tinapik ang balikat ni Alejandro para kumalma ito sandali. He glanced at me and sighed. “We will take safety precautions.” He cooed.

“Don’t mind your mother, she’s just being overly dramatic. You better get going habang hindi pa mataas ang araw.” Ani ng Papa niya.

“Thanks, Pa.” He replied.

“What would you like for dinner, Alejandro? I’m thinking of preparing Chinese food for tonight’s dinner.” Senyora seemed elated with the idea.

“It’s up to my girl. She seems uncomfortable to share a table with you. If she won’t join, then she and I will just have dinner on my pad.”

“Did you just---did you just call her---your girl?” Her mother stuttered; eyes popped out from its socket.

Kumagat-labi labi ako. Damn it, Ale! Panibagong insulto na naman ang matatanggap ko sa Mama mo sa ginagawa mong ito!

Wala sa loob na kinurot ko ang batok nito. “Ouch.” Pero instead na bigyan ako ng masamang tingin ay tumawa pa baliw. Aliw na aliw siya sa mga kalokohan niya!

To break the awkward silence, nagsalita ako. “Aalis na po kami, Senyora, Senyor. Iingatan ko po ang anak nyo at hindi rin po kami magtatagal.”

Tiningala ako ni Alejandro. “Paanong iingatan? Are you going to carry me? Piggyback ride?” Malambing na tanong nito as she fluttered his eyes dramatically.

Batukan kita eh! He’s literally flirting with me in front of his stunned parents!

Hindi ko na hinintay pang sumagot ang mga magulang nito at tinulak ko na lamang ang wheelchair nito patungo sa main door. Saka pa lang ako nakahinga nang makalabas kami ng tuluyan.

“Puro ka talaga kalokohan, Ale! Nakita mo ang ekspresyon sa mga mukha nila?!” kastigo ko habang dahan-dahan naming tinatahak ang pathway na pinasadya ng kanyang mga magulang para sa kanyang wheelchair. It’s an incline path kaya mabagal at puno ng pag-iingat ang pagtulak ko sa kanya.

Nang makarating kami sa beach, mas mahirap itong itulak dahil sa buhangin pero hindi ako nagrereklamo. Heck, I will never complain. Masaya akong nakarating sa bahaging ito ng isla na kasama siya. Hinubad ko ang aking tsinelas at nilagay sa pathway. Babalik din naman kami at tiyak naman akong walang kukuha ng mga ito.

“Ayos! Walang tao!”

“This is a private property, silly.” He chuckled.

“So that means I can come herea and skinny dipping in the night?” I teased him.

His eyes turned into slits. “Are you trying to seduce me, woman? Because you’re being successful. And no, you can’t skinny dip! I’ll spank you lovely behind.”

I stuck my tongue out at him. “Yes, father.”

Nililipad ng hangin ang aking buhok. Tumigil kami sa gitna paharap sa dagat. Umikot ako paharap sa kanya. “I will collect seashells then pumili ka ng magaganda ha. Iuwi natin.” Ani ko, habang nakangiti sa kanya.

“Para saan?” kunot-noong tanong nito.

“Remembrance. Kailangan ko yun. The shells will be my reminder that we were here together. That today is special dahil for the first time in forever, nag-aya kang lumabas. You are starting to come out from your fortress.”

“This is as far as I can go, Bea.”

What?

“Okay na ‘to. Pakonti-konti, hanggang sa masanay ka ulit na lumabas at magpakita sa lahat ng taong naghihintay sa’yo.”

Pumikit ito. “Don’t try to convince me, Bea. It won’t happen. Now go and pick some seashells.” He said in a hard tone.

Napapatitig ako sandali sa kanya. When he asked me to stay with him, to be with him, did he mean literally live with him on this island?

Tumalikod ako para hindi makita ni Alejandro ang takot at pangamba sa mukha ko. Kung pumanig sa akin ang kapalaran at pahihintulutan ni Senyora na mangyari kaming dalawa ni Alejandro, makakaya ko bang manatili sa isla sa tanang buhay ko? How about my studies? How about the people who are dear to me that live outside the island? Bakit pakiramdam ko’y ang gustong mangyari ni Alejandro ay ikulong ako sa islang ‘to?

Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. Hindi naman siguro. Alam kong darating din sa punto na mabo-bored siya dito sa isla at mag-aayang lumuwas sa siyudad. Sigurado akong namimiss nito ang dating buhay. Of course, Alejandro will go back to the world of living, hindi lang sa ngayon, but he will go back there. Hopefully.

I started humming a song habang namumulot ng sa tingin ko ay magagandang shells. Panaka-naka akong nakatingin kay Alejandro na ang mga mata ay sa akin lang din nakatitig. I waved at him and he just gave me a nod.

So far sampung shells ang napulot ko. nag-umpisa akong maglakad pabalik kay Alejandro. “Look at these!” I said excitedly. Nilapag ko iyong lahat sa kanyang kandungan.

Alejandro looked at them with careful examination. Then inisa-isa niyang hinagis ang mga iyon pabalik sa buhangin. Ang tinira niya ay tatlong piraso lamang. He gathered them all at nilagay pabalik sa aking palad. “Keep these three. They are the prettiest.”

“Why three?”

He looked up to me. “Three means I---ugh, never mind. Come here.” He held my wrist and pulled me. I sat on his lap sideways. Hindi na ako ilang sa posisyon naming ito.

Alejandro embraced me so tight and buried his face on the base of my neck, inahaling my scent. “You smell like sunshine.”

Sasagot na sana akoe pero ang sunod nitong ginawa ang hindi ko inaasahan. He started singing.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear; how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear, as I lay sleepin'

I dreamed, I held you by my side

When I awoke dear, I was mistaken

And I hung my head and I cry

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear; how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away”

He paused, hesitating to continue. I dipped my head down to grant him a kiss. “Please go on.” I said and he just gave me his heartstopping smile.

“You told me once dear, you really loved me

And no one else could come between

But now you've left me and you love another

And you have shattered all my dreams

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy

If you will only say the same

But if you leave me to love another

But you'll regret it all some day

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Please don't take my sunshine away”

Pumalakpak ako when he finished his song. “Yehey! Galing-galing naman ng bebe ko.” I patted his head and he scowled at me.

“I’m not really a good singer.” He uttered shyly.

“But you’re not bad either. Hindi ka lang siguro mahilig kumanta but you have the voice.” Puri ko sa kanya. I held his face using my hands at pinaharap ko sa akin ng maigi. “Thank you for that song. You have no idea how you make this day extra special, Alejandro.”

“Because you are that special, Bea. You will always be special. And thank you too.”

“Para saan?”

“For making my dream come true. Noon, kontento lang akong nakatanaw sa dagat mula sa aking balcony. But when you came into my life, you make me wish for things I never wished to experience. I found my miracle in you.”

How about wishing to go backt to the real world, Alejandro? I wanted to speak my mind pero minabuti ko na lamang ang manahimik. There’s a time for that.

Tanging halik lamang ang ginanti ko bilang sagot sa kanyang mga salita. Ang tampo kaninang umaga ay nawawala na. naputol lamang ang halikan namin nang tumunog ang kanyang cellphone. Pareho naming niyiuko iyon. It’s unknown number.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” I asked.

“I’m not familiar with the number.”

“Just answer it. It might be important. Loudspeak mo nalang.”

He did what I told him to do. “Yes?” Bungad niya after he pressed the answer button. My nose flared of how rude he is for answering like that. Do that to me and I will kick your ass!

A gasp from the other line was what we heard next. “Alejandro…oh god! Thank you for answering! It’s me, Adrielle—”

Alejandro cut off the call. Suddenly, the atmosphere between us become dark and heavy. He became uneasy. I swallowed as I started moving away from him. Tumayo ako at umikot sa kanyang likod. Nilagay ko muna ang seashells sa aking bulsa. “Let’s go home, Alejandro. It’s time for your breakfast.”

Hindi ito sumagot. His head hung low. And from where I am standing, kita ko ang diin ng pagkuyom ng kamao nito. He seems affected by it. Of course, the call was from his fiancée, after all. Sa nakikita ko kanyang reaksiyon ay tila may punyal na bumaon sa aking dibidib. Don’t go there, Bea. I reminded myself.

Nang makabalik kami sa kastilyo ni Alejandro, sinalabong kami ng kanyang ama. “Can I have you for a moment, son? This is very important.” Senyor glanced at me. “Bea, please be a sweetheart and get Alejandro some fresh juice. We will be at the library.”

“Opo.” I nodded. Tumalima agad ako at umalis sa malawak na sala nila. Pagdating ko sa kusina ay tinanong agad ako ng kusinera nila kung ano ang aking kailangan. Mabilis niyang pinrepara ang fresh juice na para kay Alejandro. Habang naghihintay ay kumuha ako ng baso at uminom ng tubig. Nauhaw ako bigla. Humapdi ang sikmura ko. nagugutom na ako. Sana naman ay hindi ganun katagal sila mag-ama mag-usap.

Malapit na ako sa library dala-dala ang tray na may orange juice ni Alejandro. Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing hindi nakaawang ang pintuan ng library.

Kakatok na sana ako nang biglang sumigaw nang pagalit si Alejandro.

“You can’t do that to me, Papa!”

“We made a deal, son.” Kalmante ang boses ng ama, kabaligtaran sa matalim na boses ni Alejandro.

“I am being good, am I not? I am doing my part of the deal. I am not scaring her away. She’s still here with me. She has no plans of leaving me, Pa. You have to do your side of the bargain!”

I could hear the deep sigh from Senyor. “Okay. Pero hanggang kailan, Alejandro? If you are that guilty, you have to face the boy and his mother. Sending them check monthly is not enough. It never will.”

“I know.” Mababang tonong sagot ng anak.

“Malaki ang papel ni Bea sa buhay mo ngayon, anak. Once Bea decide to leave this island bago matapos ang nakatakda niyang pag-aalis, it will be the time I stop sending checks to them as well.”

“You can’t do that to me, Pa. You just can’t! I’m treating Bea right, why are you making things complicated to me this time?!

“I want you to come back and start living, Alejandro. Not like this. Madali akong kausap, pero kaya ko ring makipagtigasan ng ulo sa’yo. Enough is enough. At ama mo ako. Ang desisyon ko pa rin ang masusunod. I am just giving you a chance.”

“You are giving me the short end of the stick, Pa.” matigas na sumbat nito. “What do you actually want?”

“I want you to try, Alejandro. I want you to try to comeback to the living. It been almost a year since the accident. Stop punishing yourself and come back to us.”

Alejandro didn’t answer. Ako naman ay napako sa aking kinatatayuan. They talk so fast at hindi ko iyon masundan. Hindi ko maintindihan ang takbo ng paksa nila. Pero isa lang ang tiyak ko, hindi ito makakabuti sa akin.

“And quit playing games with Bea’s heart. You’re just going to destroy her.”

Bago pa sumagot si Alejandro ay kumatok ako. It was a perfect timing. Dahil ayokong marinig ang sagot niya, dahil may pakiramdam akong alam ko na ang isasagot nito.

“Excuse me po. Dinala ko lang ang juice ni Alejandro.”

“Come inside, Hija.” Sumulyap ang ama kay Alejandro na nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin.

Pigil ang hininga kong nilapag ang tray sa centre table. “Sir Ale, kumain na ako ng breakfast. Sorry kung hindi na kita nahintay.”

“That’s fine, hija. I will join my son, kahit na ba kumain na ako ng agahan.” Bahagyang tumawa ang ama.

Alejandro clenched his jaw and nodded at me without making eye contact. I somehow wished for him to insist and ask me to join him, pero hindi ito nagsalita.

My heart starting to ache. Nag-excuse ako sa kanilang dalawa at marahang nilapat pasara ang pintuan. Tumingala ako para iwasang pumatak ang mga luha.

Sa mga narinig ko sa kanilang usapan, iisa lang ang tiyak kong naintindihan at malinaw sa aking isipan. Alejando is pretending to be kind to me all this time para hindi ako umalis sa isla. Dahil ang lahat ng ito ay may kapalit.