Sunflower

Chapter 12

2 years ago continued...

Chris

I've been lying in Lucy's childhood bed with her, holding her while she cries herself to sleep for the fourth night in a row. Tomorrow is the day Tommy will be laid to rest and I know it will be harder for Lucy than anyone, even her parents. I've only been in the picture for the past three years, but I only needed a couple of weeks to figure out she was far more concerned about Tommy's well-being than either of her parents were.

I know she blames them for what happened; especially her father. And I will go on letting her blame him since the next person on the list of people to blame is herself. I won't let her feel responsible for this. It's not her fault Tommy wasn't being supervised properly. Which is why I hope her dad is eaten alive with guilt. He allowed his autistic son to wander off alone into the woods. It would've taken him at least half an hour to make it to the river, maybe longer. So in all that time, he never thought for a second to check on his son, who has special needs?

I already couldn't stand Frank Sunday long before the day he let his own son drown. The way he's always seemed so aloof to his wife and children...like he could care less if they were around or not. How could he feel that way about his own family?

I could never imagine a day where Lucy isn't my best friend on the planet. And I will love our kids, special needs or not, with everything in me. I will always be there, always be proud, protective and loving. Lucy nor our kids will ever have to wonder for a day in their lives if I love them. The answer will always be as clear as day, I'll make sure of it.

And that thought makes me hold her even tighter. It's hard not to think of our future together; We've been dating for three years. I love her more than anything or anyone, I trust her with my life and I know I could never live without her. That's all I need to know she's who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Actually, I knew that a long time ago. The first time she told me she loved me. I knew then I'd never leave her side, and I haven't.

"Chris?" she whispers.

"Yeah?" I whisper back.

"Can we get out of here?"

"What do you mean?"

She sits up and looks down at me. "We don't have to go far. I just need to get out of here for a while..."

I sit up next to her and nod. "Of course, baby."

We get dressed and quietly creep downstairs and out to my car, which is parked out front. It's late, so I'm not sure where we're going, but that doesn't matter to me. I just want Lucy to feel better and I'd probably do anything to make sure she does.

I take her hand as we drive along, with no particular destination in mind. She hasn't said a word since we left, but she doesn't have to. I want her to deal with her grief in the best way for her. I'm just here in case she needs me.

"Turn left here," she says after a while.

I do as she says, taking a left that will lead us into the old business district. While this place used to be thriving about twenty years ago, now it's nothing more than a deserted block of buildings, reminding the people of Staten Island of what used to be.

"Stop," Lucy says, looking around.

I pull into an empty parking lot of what used to be First National Bank. I'm just about to ask why we're here, but Lucy gets out of the car. I follow her as she walks up to a huge mural that's painted on the side of one of the abandoned buildings.

Most of the paintings are just names with hearts and halos, memorializing lost loved ones. Some are paintings of mountains, the sea or sunsets. But they all come together to create a mixed masterpiece full of so much emotion, you can practically feel it.

Lucy suddenly starts crying, sinking to her knees and burying her face in her hands.

I kneel next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I don't have any paint!" she cries.

"Paint?" I repeat, looking from her to the wall in front of us. "You want paint...now?"

She doesn't respond, but her sobbing becomes stronger. I stand and offer her my hand. "Then come on. Let's go get paint."

She looks up at me, her eyes lighting up for the first time in days. "Really?"

"If you want paint, you're getting paint," I shrug.

She stares at me in awe for a few seconds before taking my hand and letting me help her to her feet. We make the short drive over to the twenty-four hour Stop-N-Shop and even thought they don't have much of a selection, we're able to purchase a few bottles of oil paints- red, white and blue, and a couple of brushes.

We drive back to the building and walk over to the mural. Lucy begins mixing paints, stirring them together with brushes and creating different colors. She looks up at the brick wall in front of her, with only just a small bit of space left to paint.

In the streetlight, I can see the names of lost loved ones, memorialized for the town to see. Some are white, some are green, some are rainbow colors, but all of those names belonged to people; people who meant something to someone else. Someone who was so touched by their lives, that they painted their feelings out onto a wall.

I watch Lucy as she concentrates, furrowing her brows and looking so serious. She paints a dark blue background with little white specks, and that's when I realize what she's doing. She's painting outer space, one of Tommy's favorite things to talk about.

She adds on planets in various shapes, sizes and colors, with comets and asteroids. And just below that, she paints Tommy's name in big white letters, along with his year of birth and year of death. I take a step back and smile when I see the mural in all its glory. It's amazing. Lucy is not only talented, but thoughtful. Tommy would love this. In fact, I can see his huge, gummy smile now. His eyes would be filled with happiness, the way they always were when he looked at Lucy.

The way I'm sure mine are...

When she's done, she sets her paintbrush down and stands. She walks backwards until all her work is clearly in front of her. At first, she looks as if maybe she's not satisfied. But then, I notice a tear roll down her cheek. Followed quickly by another. And another.

"Tommy would be so proud of this," I smile, looking from the mural, back to Lucy. "He would especially love that you did it for him."

She smiles through her tears, looking over at me just as a sob rakes through her body. I pull her into my arms and she begins weeping, clenching my shirt into her fists.

This hurts....

Watching the person you love most hurt so badly. There's nothing I can do to make it right, nothing I can say. All I can do is be here, and hold her, and tell her how amazing she is. Somehow, I've got to stay strong while the woman I love so fiercely crumbles to pieces. I've got to be the glue that holds her together.

I run my fingers through her hair and kiss the top of her head. "Tell me what to do, Lucy. I'll do anything to make this easier for you," I whisper. "Anything at all. I love you so much. More than you could ever possibly know. And I always will..."

Present Day...

Chris

The rain trickles down the window pain, blurring out the city lights in the distance. Not that I'm looking at anything in particular anyway, just staring blankly, while my mind races.

I can't stop thinking about the day Lucy painted that mural for her brother. I guess because back then, it truly felt like I would never lose her...that we'd always be together...forever.

Two years ago, you couldn't have convinced me otherwise, but tonight, I'm sitting here, staring out the window, missing a girl that I shouldn't be missing. Because I should be with her right now, right there next to her. Every day. Always. I would do anything for her and what do I get in return?

Dumped. I get dumped.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming. Ever since last year, she started to become more and more distant. She stopped waiting for me to wake up in the mornings and instead, ate breakfast without me and left for work before I even got a chance to see her. When she came home, she stopped telling me about her day, and she stopped asking me about mine. When we had s*x, it was just that...sex. It was lacking the usual emotion it used to have. But it wasn't me. I knew all along it wasn't me.

And because it's not me, it's out of my control. I can't stop her feelings from changing. I can't change her mind. All I can do is accept it and...

...move on?

I scoff at the thought. Lucy is the love of my life. I'll always be comparing every girl I meet to her and I know they'll never measure up. They'll never be enough.

And even if they were, I won't have enough of myself left to give to someone else. Lucy will have my heart until the day I die. I'll foolishly allow her to keep it too...

I look away from the window when I hear a knock at the front door. No one knows I'm staying here, so I have no idea who it could be. I get up and go to the door, taking my time. But the knocking gets louder and more desperate.

Worried something might be wrong, I pick up the pace. I open the door just a c***k and my heart sinks when I see Annie standing there. I swing the door open and stare at her, waiting for her to tell me something's happened to Lucy.

"Chris...have you seen Lucy? Is she here?" she asks.

I shake my head, furrowing my brows. "No, I haven't heard from her."

"I went to her place earlier and she got upset and left. I was hoping maybe...she'd come here. No one else has seen her. I'm starting to worry."

"Did you call her?" I ask, realizing how dumb of a question that is. Of course she called her first.

"Yes, but...she's got her phone turned off or either it's dead. It's going straight to voice mail when I call. She hasn't read any of my texts either."

I pull out my phone to call her myself, but then I pause. Why would she answer for me if she's not answering for anyone else? Why would I be the one to get through to her now?

I swallow the lump in my throat and put my phone back in my pocket. "Things are...hard for her right now. I'm sure she just need a moment to clear her head."

Annie looks up at me with tears in her eyes. She rarely cries, so maybe I should be worried. "I brought up Tommy."

Like always, I instantly let my primal urge to protect Lucy kick in. "You what?!" I snap.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out. "I was only reminding her of how good you were to her after she lost him."

"How could you do that to her?! You had to know bringing him up, especially when she was already upset, was a terrible idea! What kind of friend are you?!"

I can tell I definitely struck a nerve, but I don't care. Annie needs to know that was a colossal friendship failure. It's hard for Lucy to talk about Tommy. Because I know deep down, she blames herself for his death.

"I only wanted her to remember what she was giving up," she cries.

"She knew what she was giving up," I say coldly, after a bit of silence.

"She's just afraid. She's afraid that things will change. That somehow...you won't love her anymore once you're away, and you see what else is out here..." she cries, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Despite the fact that I've told her over and over again that I would never love anyone but her," I sigh, leaning against the door frame. I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. "None of that matters right now. If she's not answering...I...I think I know where she could be. But...Annie, this is the last time I'm going to run to her...and...save her...like always. If I can't depend on her, it isn't fair to continue to let her depend on me."

"I understand," she says sadly.