Sunflower

Chapter 11

Present Day

Lucy

I'm not usually a heavy drinker, but tonight, I'm going hard. Since I got back home, all I've done is throw back shot after shot of whisky.

Chris's whisky...

That he left here...

How am I supposed to stay in this apartment another night? With all the memories- good and bad? How can I watch any TV show, listen to any song, even open my stupid fridge without thinking of him?

I'm a coward. I'm pathetic. I'm letting him hurt because I'm afraid he'll hurt me, that he'll abandon me. But he never has before. Not once. We've had our disagreements, of course, but Chris has never hurt me. He's been faithful, caring, patient, compassionate...he's been everything most people want in a relationship and here I am, tossing him away like he's nothing.

I've got to get out of here. I'm gonna go crazy if I have to stay another second.

I grab my keys and my purse and head for the front door. As soon as I open it, I let out a yelp when I see Annie standing there with her hand raised, as if she was about to knock.

"Lucy...are you okay?" she asks, furrowing her brows.

"Yeah. What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk," she says, walking past me and into my apartment.

I sigh and close the door. I know why she's here, but I'm in no state of mind for advice. Or anything that involves rational thinking.

"Lu, something else happened. Something you're not telling me. And as your best friend of seven years-"

"Twelve, but continue."

"I demand to know what's going on," she says, putting her hands on her hips.

"Nothing is going on other than what I told you."

"Bullshit."

"Annie, I swear! Nothing has happened other than the internship. That's it. That's all there is to the story," I tell her.

"So you're telling me, you're throwing away a five year relationship; one with the most perfect man alive, because you don't want to do long distance...."

I nod slowly. "Look, I know how selfish it sounds, but put yourself in my shoes. If Sam was moving to the other side of the world for two years, what would you do?"

"I'd dump his ass," she shrugs.

I'm a little surprised she gave so little thought to her answer, so it takes me a few seconds to respond. "O-kay...so...what's the problem with me doing the same thing?"

"Because while I love Sam with all that I am, he's...not worth it."

"What?"

She sighs and hangs her head. "Sam has cheated on me. He's lied to me. He's put his own happiness ahead of mine. A lot. All that's behind us now, but I know in my heart that if I were in your shoes, I couldn't deal with the stress of long distance when he's not worth it. But Chris is. You know he is."

My eyes began to fill with tears, but I'm determined not to let them spill. I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself.

"Why are you pushing him away?" she asks.

When I still can't bring myself to answer her, she growls in frustration. "I can't let you make the biggest mistake of your life, Lucy. If there's no other reason, nothing you're leaving out, and you're seriously just telling me that you're afraid of getting hurt in the long run...suck it up, buttercup! You won't find another Chris out there, trust me! You're gonna let him go and then spend the next five years comparing every guy you meet to him, but they'll never measure up. And do you know why? Because Chris is perfect! He doesn't cheat, or lie, or make you feel like you're not important. In fact, he treats you like you're the only thing that matters! How can you give that up?! How can you just walk away?!"

I break down, not able to hold the tears back any longer. I feel so many conflicted emotions; Anger, sadness, regret, uncertainty...

"When your brother died...Chris was there, every second. You would've never made it through that without him..."

"Please," I cry. "Please don't..."

"You need to hear this, Lucy. Who else would've stuck by you day and night for months like that? He carried you thought the weakest time of your life and this is what he gets?!"

I bury my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably. I'll never forget the day I lost Tommy. It was so sudden, so unexpected, and it completely flipped my world upside down.

But Annie is right...Chris was right there with me, for every second of that unbearable pain and grief, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, and the endless fights with my parents after. He never left me. Not once.

2 years ago, New York City

"So what do you want to watch tonight, You or Shameless?" Chis asks when I climb into bed next to him.

"I don't care, I've already binged both of them while you were at work."

"Hey, I thought we agreed to quit doing that?" he asks, pulling me into his arms and kissing the top of my head.

"I'm sorry," I pout.

It has the desired affect on him. He hates saying no to me. "Fine," he sighs. "But no spoilers, alright?"

"I promise not to ruin anything for you."

He starts something up for us, but within minutes, he's kissing my neck and letting his hands roam my body. Since I'm only wearing a t-shirt and underwear, I'm certain this night is about to take a s****l turn.

"You smell so good," he whispers right against my ear, making me shiver. "Good enough to eat."

He starts kissing his way down my body, but just when things are starting to get good, my phone rings. It's past midnight, so my heart always races when someone calls me at this hour. It's never good news.

I sit up and take my phone off the night stand, furrowing my brows when I see my mom's picture. I hope my dad hasn't done anything stupid.

"Hello?"

"Lucy!" she cries, making my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. "It's Tommy...he's...he..."

"What about Tommy?!"

I can't understand a damn thing she's saying, so I start to get frustrated. "Mom! What happened to Tommy?!"

Chris sits up and watches me, the same terror filling his eyes that I'm sure fills my own.

Mom just keeps sobbing, and while she's trying to say something, I'm not able to make out what it is.

"Mom!"

"Lucy, it's dad. We need you at home," he says through a strained voice.

And that's when I know something is terribly wrong. If my dad sounds upset, that can only mean something has happened to Tommy.

"Okay..." I whisper in a daze.

"Lucy?" Chris asks, meeting my eyes.

I burst into tears, dropping my phone to my lap. Chris pulls me into his arms, hugging me tight and running his fingers through my hair.

"What's wrong?" he asks gently. "What happened to Tommy?"

"I don't know. They just told me I'm needed at home," I cry.

Chris nods and stands up from the bed. "Come on, let's go."

Everything feels like a dream. Chris somehow gets me dressed and into his car before I'm even fully aware of what's going on. Once I come to my senses, I'm reminded all over again of what's happening.

Something's wrong.

I feel it.

My brother...my sweet baby brother...I can't even begin to think of something happening to him. How can I accept that? How can my life go on?

Chris reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together, glancing over at me as he drives us along. "No matter what, I'm here. I'll be right here with you."

I begin sobbing all over again. I wish I could tell him how much that means to me; how much it means that without hesitation, he went into super hero mode and became my rock. But the tears won't let me speak.

After what feels like hours, we finally pull up to my parent's house. There's no cops or ambulances here, so I guess that's a good sign. I get out of the car and hurry to the front door, which is already standing open. Chris and I walk into the house and look around. My mom comes rushing out of the kitchen in tears.

"We can't find Tommy anywhere!" she cries.

"What?! What do you mean?!" I ask, grabbing her shoulders roughly.

She tries to speak, but her tears won't let her.

"Mom!" I shout.

"Your father said Tommy was upstairs in his room when I got home from work. I went to check on him, but...he wasn't there. We've looked everywhere, checked with neighbors, the school; no one has seen him all day!" she cries.

I nod slowly, letting it all sink in. He's missing, which means we have to act fast. Since I've studied autism in depth, I know my brother even better than my parents do. Actually, I probably knew him better even before I went to college. They always acted as if Tommy was a burden or some kind of soul-sucking parasite sent to ruin their perfect little lives. While I could tell mom loved Tommy, she wasn't emotionally capable of handling his tantrums. And dad didn't even try.

So that just left me. If anyone is going to find him, it's going to be me...

And I know just where to start.

I take Chris by the hand and lead him outside, into the backyard. We keep walking through the woods behind the house. I haven't been back here in years, but a long time ago, when Tommy was about four or five, I used to take him to the river that flows through town about a mile from here. It's a long walk for him to make on his own, especially if he doesn't know exactly where to go.

"Where are we going?" Chris asks.

"Tommy and I used to hike down to Little Bend River a while back and race paper sailboats. It was one of his favorite things to do."

"Do you think he might be there? This late?" he asks.

I shrug. "It's possible. He's been asking me to take him back for a while now, but I haven't had the time."

We keep walking until we can hear the sound of the rushing waters in the distance. That's when I start running. It's dark, so I can barely see where I'm going. I just follow the sound of the river as it grows louder and louder, letting me know I'm close.

"Tommy!" I call out, coming to a stop and looking around.

"Tommy, where are you, buddy?" Chris calls out. He looks over at me, his eyes full of worry. "Should we split up?"

"No, not yet. Wait until we make it to the river. If he's here, he's probably sailing boats."

"I'm sorry, what?" Chris asks, not able to hear me over the sound of the water.

"Paper boats. We'd start by the big rock and watch them go all the way to the waterfall," I answer.

"Waterfall?"

"It's small. But it's the only one Tommy has ever seen in person. He thought it was the most spectacular thing ever. I promised him I'd take him to see an even bigger waterfall some day, but I never quite got around to it."

The river comes into view and Chris and I start looking around. "Tommy!" I call out again.

I'm trying to remain hopeful, but in my heart, I fear the worst. He wouldn't stay out this late. He's afraid of the dark. So where is he? Why did he wander off on his own? He knows it's not safe.

"You go this way," I tell Chris, pointing left. "There's a big rock upstream that Tommy and I used to sit on. I'll go this way," I say, pointing right. "If he's not on the rock or at the waterfall, then he's probably not here."

Chris nods and we go our separate ways. I search along the riverbank, calling out Tommy's name every few seconds. I can hear Chris calling him in the distance. Yet still, there's no sign of him anywhere.

That is, until something bright catches my eye in the distance. It looks out of place right away, but it's not until I move closer that I realize what it is.

A paper boat...

It's caught between two rocks with nowhere to go. So Tommy was here.

My heart begins to pound. My stomach twists into knots. The feeling of dread takes over me to the point where I can barely breathe. But there's something keeping that hope inside of me alive and pushing me forward. I need to find him. I need to get to him. He needs me.

"Tommy!" I call out again.

I come up on the waterfall and cry out when I still don't see him. If he was here, I feel like this would be the spot. His favorite spot.

I start back up the river to find Chris, but I stop to retrieve the paper boat along the way. That's when I notice a small hand in the water. I follow the outline of what looks like an arm and gasp when I see his pale face and blue lips, just underneath the surface.

"Tommy!" I scream out wading into the water.

I wrap my arms around him and pull him towards the bank with all the strength I have left. I lay him on the ground and immediately check for a pulse. And even though I know there's not one, and there's no way he survived under water for that long, I keep holding onto that hope that a miracle could happen.

"Tommy, please don't leave me!" I cry out.

I've had CPR training, but I suddenly can't remember a thing about it. I put my hand underneath his head and tilt it back. But his body is already stiff. He's been gone for too long. There's nothing I can do.

Nothing...

So I cradle him in my arms, sobbing, wailing, apologizing for failing him, for not being able to keep him safe. Telling him I love him over and over again...

"Lucy?"

Chris comes over and kneels next to me. "Oh my God. No..."

He takes his phone out and calls the police, while I look down at the pale face of my little brother. He died alone...probably screaming for help...but there was no one. He had no one.

"I'm so sorry, Tommy. You didn't deserve this."