Sunflower

Chapter 14

Present Day

Chris

I don't think I've really allowed myself to get angry over Lucy's decision to break up with me. It's been a week now and I haven't heard a thing from her. It's by far the longest we've gone without speaking to each other. To be fair though, I haven't even tried. I want to go to her, beg her to tell me why she's doing this, after five years together...why now? I want to scream at her, shake some sense into her, tell her she's making a huge mistake. But I've said nothing. I've done nothing. It's almost as if I'm stuck between the shock this has made me feel and the inevitable acceptance at the end of this long road.

That's why I haven't allowed myself to become angry. I'm still in denial. I'm still waiting for her to change her mind. I'm waiting for her to realize her life is better with me in it.

She will. I know she will.

I stand up from the sofa, where I've been lazing around for days. My legs are wobbly from lack of use. I haven't shaved in a while, so I look like a Sasquatch nightmare. I haven't been eating enough, or sleeping enough, or bathing enough. Which is probably why my friends are keeping a distance from me. They call to check on me, of course, but I probably smell too bad for anything else.

I need to get my life together, but before I can do that, I need to get my mind together. My heart's a lost cause, but I still have control over everything else. And if I ever want to heal from this pain, I've got to stop wallowing in misery.

And to do that...I've got to let out some of this pent up aggression.

I put on a pair of black track pants and my old Nirvana hoodie and head out for the first time in three days. I jog a couple of blocks with no real destination in mind. The cool, fresh air, the sound of bustling New York City traffic in the morning and the shouts of angry cab drivers are all familiar starts to my mornings. Lucy and I used to run together every morning for years. We stopped about two years ago, but I'm starting to remember how much I liked it. It's a good way to start the day.

I finally make it to the Williamsburg Bridge, so I slow my pace. This is where Lucy and I ran to each morning after we first moved here. We'd take our time, walking hand in hand over the bridge, enjoying the sunrise over the East River.

I walk over the bridge until I've made it about midway. I stop and look out over the water and for a second, everything seems to slow down. I can sense Lucy, even though she's not here. I can feel her. It's almost as if I can hear her voice right next to me, like she never left my side.

2 years ago

New York City

"So how are you enjoying domesticated life so far?" I smirk at Lucy as we jog along through the city. "Doing all the cliche couple things we swore we'd never do."

She laughs, that really high-pitched cute laugh she does when something is unexpectedly funny to her. "Remember when we used to make fun of couple joggers at Penn State?"

"Of course I do. Remember Chase and Mary? They got up every morning at 5am and ran six miles together."

"And then spent half the day telling everyone about it," she says, rolling her eyes.

"Guys, Chase and I are entering couples baking classes," I say, mocking Mary's over the top mid-western accent.

"Guys, Chase and I tested positive for gonorrhea together," Lucy adds, making me laugh so hard I have to stop and pull myself together.

Lucy slows her pace and starts jogging backwards. "Come on, don't start gassing out on me now, Myers!"

"I can't help it. You're such a comedian," I smirk, jogging after her.

We share a laugh and continue on with our jog.

"Promise me, no matter what, we'll never become Chase and Mary," she says after a while.

I look at her and c**k a brow. "I hope we don't. Didn't they break up because Mary was sleeping with Professor White?"

Lucy giggles. "Don't worry, babe. Professor White isn't my type. I just mean...that we don't do things for other people to see. We do things because we like spending time together."

I look over at her and smirk. "So we shouldn't tell our friends about couples quilting?"

She giggles, playfully pushing me before running ahead. I run after her, grinning ear to ear.

We come to the Williamson Bridge that crosses over the East River and decide to stop and rest. We're less than two miles away from our apartment, but for two people who haven't spent much time exercising for the past year or so, it feels more like ten miles.

"It's so beautiful," Lucy says, staring out over the water.

I stand next to her and smile, taking in the beautiful sunrise over the river. "It is."

She looks over at me, returning my smile. "This is one of those couples things I could get used to."

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her close, kissing the top of her head. "I knew you were just as cheesy as Mary."

"No, no," she says, holding up her index finger. "I think Chase and Mary did things, not to prove to other people they were a good couple, but...to prove it to themselves."

"Yeah, maybe. I guess it was a waste of time for them, since it didn't work out," I answer, out of breath.

"I don't want to do things with you to prove anything to anyone, including myself. I want to do things with you because you make everything fun. You make me laugh. You make me smile. You make me happy."

I pause and meet her eyes. Lucy isn't big on romance, that's my department. But sometimes she says things that make my heart flutter out of control.

Finally, I smile. "We always have fun together, don't we?"

"Always," she smiles, resting her head against my shoulder.

Present Day

Chris

That memory feels so real, I can almost feel Lucy's long, brown hair whipping around my face, just like it did that morning. I can almost feel the warmth from her body. I can almost see that perfect smile on her face.

It makes me wonder what I did wrong. At what point did she start falling out of love with me?

Suddenly, those warm, fuzzy feelings our memories created are gone in a flash and are replaced by the sting of heartache once again. Every time I breathe, it's not only physically painful, but mentally too. This constant stabbing in my chest reminds me every second that I lost the love of my life. And what makes it so bad is I have no idea why.

Or how...

Or what comes next...

How do I go on without her? She's been in my life for so long. We've been through so much together. She knows me better than anyone else.

Consumed by my grief, I scream out, causing my voice to echo across the water. At first, it startles me a bit. I look around, but there isn't anyone else. It's just me. I'm alone.

Alone...

"Lucy!" I call out to no one in particular. "How could you do this to me?!"

I pause and look out over the water, surprised at how good it feels to get this off my chest. There's something about shouting that relieves the pressure building up inside. It's liberating. It's soothing. It's healing.

"You left me, and I want to hate you for it! You took everything from me! You broke my heart! You made me feel like I'm not worth it! But...I can't hate you! No matter how badly you hurt me, I can't hate you! I want you to be happy, and if I can't be the one to do it, I want you to find what it is that does! I just want you to be happy, Lucy!"

I smile to myself after I'm done. That felt good.

I take a step back, panting like a dog, but still smiling. I start back jogging, keeping the smile on my face. The pain isn't gone and I know it won't be for a long time, but it's a start. And I'll take it.

Lucy

I stand on the bridge long after he's gone, lost in a daze. I didn't expect to see him here this morning, and I definitely didn't expect to hear him shouting at no one about how he wants me to be happy.

I felt horrible for hurting Chris, but I guess I never gave much thought to how much he was really hurting. I knew he'd be upset and I knew it would take him a lot longer than a few days to get over it. But even though he's hurting, he still wants me to be happy.

It makes me feel so small to know I've ruined someone so good, so thoughtful and perfect. I made him feel like he's not worth it. If he only knew how much he truly means to me. I could tell him that until I'm blue in the face, but he'd never believe me after what I did. And I can never tell him why things changed between us.

"How could you do this to me?"

Those words ring in my head the loudest. How could I hurt the person I love most in the world? How could I be okay with hurting him?

I take a couple of steps in the direction he left in, but I abruptly stop. Nothing I say or do will change our circumstances. Either he stays here for me and regrets it, or he goes to Australia and forgets about me. There's no winning for us. There's only the end. It can come now, or it can come later, but eventually, it will come.

So I turn around and jog away in the opposite direction, avoiding Chris and the guilt I feel because of him. Someday, he'll get over me and find someone else. He'll be happy. It won't be because of me, but as long as he's happy that's all that matters.

I come to a stop at an intersection and bend over, resting my hands on my knees while I try to catch my breath. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to cry. I hold it back until everyone around me has cleared out, and then I let a couple of tears roll down my cheeks before quickly wiping them away.

I jog on, making my way back to my apartment. I let the tears silently fall, even though deep down, I know I have no right to feel broken over this. I made this choice because I had to. He'll understand someday. Until then, I'll just have to be the bad guy.

For now though, I'll have to accept the fact that my choices brought me here. I have to live with the guilt. I have to face my friends, knowing that they're all talking about how horrible I am behind my back. I am horrible, so I don't blame them.

It starts to rain and since it's cold out this morning, I pick up the pace. I'm only a few blocks away from my apartment.

The tiny droplets are so painful as they beat against my skin, as if I'm running through shattering glass. I push through it, gritting my teeth in determination. Once I make it to the next block, I will officially hit three miles. That's something I haven't done since before my little brother died. It's a small accomplishment, but I have to celebrate every little win in my life at this point, no matter how insignificant it might be.

Finally, I can see my apartment building in the distance and I smile to myself. My smile quickly fades when I move closer and see my mother getting out of a cab.

I slow down and come to a stop before she notices me. Why is she even here? Doesn't she know I have enough problems of my own without her dragging me into more of hers?

I curse under my breath when she looks up and sees me. She smiles brightly and waves me over.

I sigh and take off jogging towards her. "Mom, what are you doing here?"

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I tried calling you, but you didn't answer. There's something we should talk about and it can't wait. Why don't I head up to your place and we can talk about it over a cup of coffee?"

"I have to get dressed for work. I don't have-"

"Don't say you don't have time," she interrupts me. "You can squeeze in a few minutes for your mother."

While the last thing I want to do is agree to spend any amount of time with her, I nod, making her smile grow even wider.

"Perfect," she chuckles, taking my hand. "Come on, sweetie."