The scope of love

Chapter 6

I've been thinking things over for a couple of days. Translation I've been a whimp and I've been avoiding Declan. I honestly didn't know what to do. I haven't even told Madison about what happened. I just told her that I wanted to spend some time at our grouping to put suspicious at bay. She believed me. I just know if I told her what really happened then she would freak out and go on and on about how she knew this was a bad idea and then she'll tell me just how much trouble I'm going to be in and how I will end up as a begger with no chance of a job, stability or a family. I don't need her to tell me this because I've been doing it all by myself. I stood in front of the mirror and looked over how I look preparing myself for the day. What about to face Declan. My nerves were shot from overthinking this the whole time. Although I knew it was something that I needed to do. I put the spare tie in my inner pocket. This will probably be the last time that I use it. It all depends on what Declan has to sat after hearing what I need to say. After looking myself over in the mirror I went to have breakfast with Madison. She was watching me out of the corner of the eye like she knew what I was up to, but I just paid it off acting like it was just nerves. It wasn't awkward breakfast but an even more tense few periods before I got to go to the lunch room. Trying to stall I went to the bathroom to change my tie instead doing it on my way to the lunch room. As I walked in nice or Declan sitting at his usual space. He looked up at me and looked furious. I understood the look that he gave me and I understood that he was confused and I was just hoping that he would give me a chance to explain myself. I took a deep breath before walking over to him. He didn't even spare me a second glance so I had to clear my throat in order to get his attention.

"What do you want?" He had asked me without even looking up. It hurt to see him so angry with me especially with how far we came. I in love with him and now everything seems to go backwards. He wasn't looking at me with those kind eyes and smiling at me with that warn smile. He was acting like he did when we first met.

"Can we please talk somewhere alone? I want to explain to you why I did what I did." he still wouldn't look up at me and I was waiting nervously for his answer. I didn't even know if you wanted to hear me out but I really needed him to hear me out.

" I'm not interested to hear anything that you have to say. You storming out told me everything I needed to know." I knew I was at fault but I started to get angry with him because he couldn't just let me simply explain my reasoning.

"It's not that simple I just need you to listen to me. Please Declan just let me Explain. It's a lot more complicated than you think it is and if you don't like what I'm saying then you can just walk away." he finally looked up at me and I could see the anger in his eyes, I could see that the betrayal.

"You certainly know all about walking away." I can hear the venom in his voice and in that moment I knew that I really hurt him that I feelings I just have broken his heart. In that moment I didn't know if there was anything still left to remedy. Not the way he was currently looking at me.

"Please Declan, I'm just 5 minutes." he helped but then he got up from the floor walking towards the door. For a second there I honestly didn't think you would give me the time to explain. He followed behind him until we reach the hall. I wish there was some place that we could go to get some privacy because this was not something I wanted to talk about in public. It was too dangerous to talk about in public but this is all we had. Is today not saying anything just staring at me expectantly.

" I didn't run off because I wasn't interested. I ran of because I was scared. You were said that you didn't want anything serious and suddenly you were looking for something that I wasn't ready to give. It's not that I don't wanna be with you because trust me I really do want to be with you. The time we spent together as been so amazing. And I want that to continue but things are a bit more complicated than you think they are." he was glaring at me and I couldn't understand why I was telling him exactly what he needed to hear. He was making up assumptions and he really needed to listen instead of just trying to figure out ahead of time what I meant. He had already convinced himself that I wasn't interested in him and I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. Where in fact it was the exact opposite opposite. It was in that moment that I realised I wasn't gonna get anywhere by talking nicely to him.

" Declan I'm not a Gemini." his anger was immediately replaced with a frown as he stared at me confused by what I just said. You are not going to listen to anything else I needed to be frank.

"So you're an Aries? That means we can't date is that why you run away because we can't register if we are two Aries'?" you know I look more confused than ever and I understood where he was coming from. He had just learnt that the girl that he loves or is starting to love has lied to him from the beginning. The problem is he doesn't know how deep that the seat has gone. And now I need to explain it to him.

"I wasn't lying when I said that I wasn't looking for something serious. I've told you that I have problems with this program. I might have played it off a little bit. I don't believe in the program all together. I find it ridiculous that they expect us to find out true love. That expect us to find the one for us in a grouping before the end of High School. So to take things in my own hands. For the last month or so I've been jumping between groupings. Trying to find someone that I could maybe love. Trying to make a point to prove that I can love someone other than who they choose for me. It was selfish of me I know this now. Be honest I didn't think I would find anything after the first couple of weeks, but then I walked into this lunch room and I saw you sitting there. I was intrigued. You were the first person that caught my eye. You stood out and I knew I needed to get to know you." I saw that I told him all of this I saw the shocking his eyes as I told him this. It was a lot to take in but I felt that he needed to know.

"So you're not a Pisces or a Gemini?" out of everything that I had to say this is what bothered him the most, this is what he decided to ask me. It irritated me a little bit.

"No I'm a Pisces and my grouping is Taurus." this is something that doesn't bother me at all. These groupings are the reason why I did what I did. I didn't want something like a grouping to rule my life I wanted to make my own choices.

"And you're not from another school?" it's like everything is finally settling in piece by piece. He is finally starting to understand the situation.

"Yes I'm from the school I've always been in this school since grade eight." there is no point in hiding anything anymore, I'm going to be as truthful as possible till the very end.

"Do you know how much trouble you can get in, how much are we can get me in. Did you even think this true or did you just go with it!" there he goes pulling a Madison.

"Of course I thought it through. I had to get the different ties or necklaces. I also had to do ample research on each grouping. I wasn't going to go in blind I was doing this for a reason. I'm not gonna follow the rules anymore like blind cattle. You can't tell me that when you first saw me you didn't feel anything. We've been in the same school for so many years. We would have never met if I didn't do this. The system is rigged. They control everything about our lives. They control who we see, who we date, who we marry, if we study, when we have children, where we go and when we go there. To me that's not a life worth living. I wanted more and I reached for more. I wasn't just going to sit back and let them rule my life. I really do like you. I almost gave up on everything, but then saw you. Tell me there was an instant connection when you saw me." on one side I was angry, angry that he is willing to just go with it, angry that he's not willing to reach out for more, to reach out for me. And I was sad. Sad that this was our life. Sad that I was having this conversation and said that I might be losing him. I need going into this conversation that it was an option, but I secretly hopes to convince him to love me no matter what. The sacrifice as much as I have sacrificed to get to know him. I mean every day I was at risk of getting caught, but to me he was worth it. I guess I'm feeling like I wasn't worth it for him. I should be understanding. I had time to come to terms with what I wanted to do, whereas I'm just springing this on him. It's like I can feel my heart secretly breaking but every second that he thinks about this. Maybe it is too much to ask of one person, but I still hoped that he was the person to ask.

"Of course it was an instant connection. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I still can't stop thinking about you. Even after you run out on me. I keep thinking what did I do wrong. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that you didn't want me. It baffled me can I suddenly started wanting more from you after I was the one that said I didn't want anything serious. With you it was different, with you I wanted everything. And now you're standing here telling me that I can't get that. Of course I don't like the program, but there's no way around it. I would have loved to just meet you and be with you not caring if you are a Pisces and I am an Aries. In the old world at exactly what would have happened, but in this world it's a reality. Don't you see how much is messed up. You have probably ruined me for any other girl. I've never wanted a girl as much as I have wanted you..."

"Don't say anything you can't take back. If I really mean so much to you then there has to be a way to make this work. I know in this moment it seems very difficult, but I've been doing this for months and I haven't been caught. In my head I know there's no way that I can be caught if I want this this bad. It might be a childish nation but I'd rather be childish then not be with you. Don't think too much. Net for the time being enjoy this."

"It's not that easy. How long before they figure this out. You've been getting away with it for so long your time must be running out. I want to be with you but I don't want to get you into trouble. If you are caught you will be thrown out of school. You won't be able to go study. You won't have a house and you won't be able to have a family. That's not a life worth living. This is a better option compared to that."

"Don't tell me what I want. I know what I want. I thought about the risks. I've decided it's worth it. Now all that's left is for you to decide do you want me or do you want to follow the program. Because if you want to follow the program and find yourself a Gemini I will step back I will go back to my grouping and I will find myself a Taurus. This grouping was my last chance of finding someone different of finding someone I could love instead of someone that I can tolerate. You need to tell me now. What do you want?"

I stood there waiting for him to answer, waiting for him to say anything, but both of us were just staring at each other. He needed time to think this over, but I didn't have the time to wait. I needed his answers now and I was going to get his answers now even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear

Book entry

There I stood in hallway waiting to hear what the guy I possibly loved was going to say. I never knew words so much, that a few simple words could change my life and that time could feel so long for something important to to happen. I stood there waiting to hear if it was me or if it would be the program. It sounds like the longest time in my life and then he opened his mouth to say...