Hapuch's Diary

The phone call

Three months ago.

When I got home to my mess. I folded the unlined damask curtains, in order, to let in the afternoon light and to see clearly, the cleaning I was up against. 

It wasn't the silence of the haunted house that annoyed me, it was the few young rats that rustled passed. 

Abruptly my neck straightened and my fingers curled into a fist, "Damn! How did they get in?" 

I wished I was asking someone the question, not myself. Then recalled that I didn't lock the door the previous night. 

I positioned myself towards the ill-fated clock, bending to analyse the broken pieces which strewed behind the armchairs and other parts of the sitting room. 

When I thought of that night, I worried about my mental health. Truly, I needed a psycho-therapist but I couldn't afford one. 

Nonetheless, I was determined to face life as it came, stay positive and hopeful. 

After cleaning up the sitting room, I proceeded to my bedroom and there, I found my phone. In the maze of last night, I had misplaced it. I quickly turned it on and tons of messages and voicemails flooded. I played the voice mail from mum and dad: 

"Baby, how are you? Your dad and I just returned from the embassy and the interview was...uh- okay." She grunted, 

"Although, the officials informed us of some other requirements we're yet to meet. Not to worry, we'll sort that out. Um... my back aches, I'm just going to shower now and rest a little. I wish we could talk more. Anyway, call me as soon as you see this." 

Another played. This time, it was my dad. 

"Keren dear, I guess you're busy and you can't take my calls. I just wanted to pray with you and your sister. May God be with you, Good night." 

Yet another, this one came hours later, about 2 AM that day, 

"My baby, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault. I was selfish and stupid for leaving you behind. I should never have left you. Please forgive me." My mum was crying profusely. Her voice was unclear which and troubling. 

What happened? Why is she crying? Did Ma'am Eunice tell her? 

I quit listening to voice mails and anxiously dialled my Mom's number. 

I stood up from the bed, perturbed of the possible result of my parents' knowledge of last night. I grimaced, tightening my grip on my jogger to ease my worries. 

Finally, she picked the call. 

(Phone call) 

"My sweet little angel," she spoke softly. 

"Mom, what happened? I just listened to your voice mails. Is something wrong?" I was speaking so fast that I couldn't hear my voice. 

"Everything is wrong and it's my fault. I brought this upon you, my child. I wish I never left." Her brittleness spread goosebumps over me. 

"Mom, Why are you saying this?" I demanded, "You never left me. It's no one's fault! so please stop the blaming." 

I didn't want mum to feel this way, I knew she had been regretting her decision, ever since she left with dad and I didn't want to make it tougher for her. 

"Your father didn't have a choice, but I did." she paused for a second, "Keren, you ran to the Edmundos house on a stormy night! Oh!" She cried, "What if something bad happened to you? I wouldn't forgive myself." 

I took deep breaths and sat back on the bed, pulling my legs to my chest. That question- What if- was frightening, and I could not deny that I was this close to getting killed last night. I was drawn into an emotional state. slowly I began to wipe the tears dotting my cheek, I couldn't interrupt her so I listened. 

"When Eunice called me last night I couldn't breathe nor could I sleep. my distraught head was bowed in regret and I cried and begged God's mercy for abandoning my child." She spoke bitterly in-between her sob, 

"What kind of a mother leaves her child, tell me. Huh?! I'm sorry my dear, I know you are having a hard time over there. I can tell from your voice. Please, dear, tell me how you're feeling. I want to know everything." 

I broke down in tears and blurted out, "I miss you so much mom, and I'm afraid to be alone." I stopped to catch my breath and continued, 

"I'm going crazy by the day. I thought I was strong but I'm not. Some days I feel like dying, some days I want to disappear. I don't know what is happening to me, I don't know mama." 

My mom was sobbing so much that she could not speak. I had no idea that dad was listening all along. He took the phone from mom and continued speaking, 

"I'm so sorry honey, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Please forgive me." His voice was slightly trembling, his manly strength was failing and he couldn't hide the tears. 

"I promise you on my very life, we will come back to you and your sister, we will get through this ...together." 

I still could not say a word even when I tried to, my voice was shaky and I didn't know what to say. 

"I love and miss you so much, but I need you to be strong. please, my dear, be strong for me..." His voice trailed off. 

Mom grabbed the phone from him, saying frantically, 

"I'm coming back to Portugal. I'm coming for you, I can't do this anymore. I'm coming for you, my baby." 

"Mom! You can't leave." 

"I started this madness and I'm ending it. Don't try to stop me." mom cut in hastily. 

"Mom, listen to me. Dad needs you-" 

"No Keren. Your mom is right. She should've never left you." 

My mum was always too quick to act and Dad was willing to support her decision; the same way she would, his. At this point, there was nothing I could do to stop her.