Hapuch's Diary

Don't leave, Nathan

On this bright and beautiful Spring day, my ears led me to a conversation of my predetermined man-made fate.

"... what else can I do?" 

"call your lawyer, call the embassy. Do something! just do something!" Her shaky voice trailed off as she let out a stifled cry. She had her hands pressed against her lips subduing the whooping sound.

I wondered what must have happened, I stayed still, eaves-dropping at the door wanting to get every detail. At this vantage point, I could peek at them through the tiny opening between the door and the wall.

Dad came close, wrapped her in a warm embrace and comforted her. His tall, slender figure towered over her, with her head under his inclined chin as he calmly stroked her wavy brown hair. 

Mom was slightly above 5 foot, unlike Dad who was 6 foot tall. She happened to be the shortest in the family second to my sister, Jochebed. They were alike both in height and emotional disposition. 

While I, on the contrary, took after my Dad, both in height and a less emotional inclination. Little wonder why I worried when I saw him distressed to the point where he muffled words and phrases in a wilting tone. 

I still had memories of times when we fled from authorities. The most critical was our last journey, we had narrowly escaped police trail in Castro-Daire at midnight. Even in that fearsome night, Dad wasn't this distressed. 

Then the fear crept in, 'what if- No it can't be' I tried to convince myself that we were not about to run again. I repositioned myself against the wall and listened closely as Dad spoke.

"I've done everything within my power, begged even acquaintances for help, I have done all but it's not working."

I could feel the frustration in their voices. His damp eyes struggled to hold back the tears but were failing. Mom on the other hand, wept softly, with her hands tied beside her. I could sense her helplessness as she uttered softly,

"You are leaving? Huh?" She looked up at him with teary eyes, "you're really leaving?"

He could not say a word even when he tried, maybe he could not bring himself to say it. In seeing my mom this distressed my eyes welled up with tears, I quickly wiped the drops of tears off and continued peeping.

"You just can't leave like that." She disentangled from his embrace furiously, as she continued,

"What about our plans, our dreams together, the home we've built for so long, will you leave all that behind? Nathan look at me." 

She grabbed the collar of his striped short sleeve shirt. Widening her tears-filled eyes as she demanded answers. He could not say a word, what could he possibly say? He simply sat back on the bed behind him, with his hands clenched on both knees.

"Sabella." He called, but Mom turned away. 

 "Sabella!" He called again, but she was indignant, "I don't know what to do, I don't ... I" His voice lagged. Probably, he truly did not know what to say. 

She moved away looking through the glass window on the left-wing of the room. After a moment of silence, he then came closer to her, wiping a trickle of tear from her cheek.

"Sabella, we don't have a say on this one." He took a deep breath, grabbed her hands and stared into her gloomy eyes. She quickly turned away, in hopes to hide her pain.

"Sabella, look at me please," I could feel the desperation in his voice, and mum was not making things any easier. He tilted his head closer to her, grasping her shoulders and muttered softly, 

"Life blessed me with you and our daughters, I can't ask for anything else. My darling look at me, I Am Not Leaving You! I am not!" He stressed the last phrase to make his point clearer.

"Sabella, I am tired of running, I am tired of hiding. It's been 20years already and this time, I must go. I have to go, to return through the right processes. Sadly, you can't come with me." 

"No! No! You can't!" She cut in, hitting him on his shoulder with mild punches. "You can't leave, No Nathan, no Nathan don't do this to me, please..."

 She dashed away from him as if in a flight, only to sit abruptly on the bed. Then she grabbed the blue, floral bedsheet tightly and began punching the innocent bed. Her villainous actions led me to a conclusion that she needed a place to vent her rage, while she wept.

 Dad came over and tried touching her but she pushed him away without raising her head. 

"Don't touch me, stay away from me." She yelled.

"Sabella please listen to me, I'm begging you," Dad said, as tears drip down his cheek.

 She sat up, facing him with a wet angry face. I couldn't believe my eyes. The woman in front of me had never been this furious. Even her facial expressions bore resemblance with that of a mad witch. She then spoke with all the strength on her, gesturing at the same time.

"I gave you 21 years of my life! And this is what I get! Why Nathan? Why!" 

"It's not like that, you know it."

"I've known no family but this, what do you expect me to do, Huh? " Her heart throbbed faster from exhaustion and sweat drizzled down her head uniting with the downpour from her puffy eyes. She kept up her query.

"We have always been together, in the best and worst times. I was willing to live as a fugitive in my own country because of you!" 

"Sabella!" He drew close, seating beside her and extending his hands to comfort her.

"Don't touch me, Nathan! We had lived in hiding all these years and not once did I complain or refrain from supporting you. Now you tell me that you are tired of hiding! You are tired of running! Did I really sacrifice all these years to still be alone?! Did I? Nathan why?"

"Sabella please." Her begged, looking tearfully at her.

"No! No!" She wept loudly, with her head buried in the bedsheet.

"I'm so sorry Sabella. I'm so sorry." He begged, patting her on her back.

When she raised her head, she spoke softly. with her head tilted sideways.

"Jochebed is in Lisbon studying. Keren will leave for college in a few weeks. And now, you're leaving me." She paused for a moment to catch her breath and spoke between her sob.

"How- how do you expect me to stay here every day and night with nothing but an empty house. How? How can I survive? Nathan..."

"I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really wish things could be done differently." Dad replied as he held her hands.

After a short reflective moment, she wiped the residues of tear on her cheek, using the back of her hands and muttered curtly.

"Yes, it can."

She stood up, taking a step forward.

"How?" He said anxiously, tilting his head forward with keen interest to know more.

"I can't make you stay, but I can go with you."

"Sabella!" He stood abruptly "What are you saying! Are going to leave our daughters alone?"

"No, I'm not, I'm not leaving my daughters! I'm not!"

 Her shaky voice sent a chill to my spine. What is going on? I muttered under my breathe.

She paced back and forth, with one hand wrapped around her chest and the other covering her mouth as if preventing a loud sob. Her tears-bathed eyes had grown steamy with pain or anger. She then came closer to where he stood at the edge of the shifty bed as she raised her voice even louder, speaking in between her sob.

"Nathan! you are leaving me and your children and it's okay? And..."

"That is not fair, Sabella. It's not my choice!" He defended, looking closely at her. 

"When we got married, we agreed that there would be no My, just Us!, Us Nathan! We did everything together and today you say; It's not your choice?!"

She paused for a moment waiting for an expected answer, but none came, He stared at her pitifully without a word. She then concluded.

"I'm making a hard decision, don't make it any harder!"

She made to leave as was her custom. Mom was always ready to run from problems. As she opened the door, swiftly, I sprinted from my hiding place and stood in her way. 

When she saw me, her eyes widen, guilt created fine lines on her head amidst the sweat. Speechless for a moment she let few drops of tears escape her searching eyes.

"Keren." She mumbled, not knowing what to say next, quickly wiping her tears. I glanced at her and then Dad without a word. 

I had so much questions, brimming like burning embers in my head. This mix-up information I retrieved during my 15 minutes of eaves-dropping was perplexing, nevertheless, I managed to ask.

"Mom! What is going on?"