Hapuch's Diary

The hard truth

She said nothing likewise dad who looked at me with a deep sadness lurking in his eyes. I couldn't fix all the pieces but I can tell they had a lot to say. Dad managed to mutter.

"Keren ...eh... um." He stammered, " Your mum and I are having a conversation."

I turned to mom as if ignoring dad and asked, "Mom, what is going on?"

Dad's cut in sternly, "Kerenhappuch go back to your room. There is nothing wrong."

"There is nothing wrong and mom is crying! There is nothing wrong and you are leaving us! Why dad? why?" I yelled.

He kept still without a word. I could see the furrowed veins on his head cringing in shocking. Mom on the other hand made a choking sound as if gasping for breath. The two looked at me strangely. I couldn't tell what went through their minds but I was sure it wasn't good.

"Stop acting dump with me, I heard everything, everything!" 

"Keren." mom called.

"I'm shocked at both of you. I can't imagine that you're leaving, and mom is willing to leave with you! What will happen to me, to Jochebed! Tell me, have we become a burden you?"

"It's not what you think-"

"What is it then? Tell me what can explain the fact that you are leaving your children, Dad!"

"You don't understand-"

"Then make me understand!"

I practically yelled at my parents, something I never imagined I would do again. The last time I did that was a few years ago when I defended my sister I can still recall the screams, the vile words that protruded my mouth.

 Many years passed and here I was, lost in a muss of too much information for a half-baked adult. I can't say for sure what I felt at that moment, but it wasn't good.

My parents just stared at me in amazement. Mom rushed to the sitting room with one hand tightly pressed over her lips and the other grasping the side of her black flare skirt.

My gaze fell back on Dad as he took a few steps backwards and sat on the wooden chair which was sandwiched between the closet and the lovely Kale plant, flower pot. I was sure his mind joggled between what to say and how to say it. His sad countenance was evident from the way he held his downcast head, with one hand rubbing on his nape and the other cupping his forehead.

I took steps close to him backing the bathroom door with the bed on my left side. I stood facing him as I scanned his sweaty face.

"Dad, talk to me. What is wrong?"

My question only met a cold silence that made me shiver. I glanced at the room closer. There was an array of files and official documents on the reading table close to the draped window. The white chiffon drapes fell loosely partly on the files while mom shoes lay disorderly in the middle of the room. The two lampshades at either side of the bed were on. Very unusual! I thought. Mom was very cautious of her properties. Truly many things were not right!

Dad did not say a word he simply freed his face and gazed at the wooden floor beneath him, with both hands clasped together. I was getting more confused and worried so I asked again.

"Whatever it is please tell daddy. Please!"

His prolonged silence was excruciating. How could I get him to speak? Tears welled up in my eyes and it was frustrating. Mom was too emotional talk and I did not have the patience to wait till she was stable.  

"Why are you doing this, I'm your daughter for God sake! I deserve to know the truth. I deserve to know why you are leaving me!"

I stopped to catch my breath, still, no reply was forthcoming. He was sweating despite the cold. He took in deep breaths, turning his gaze to the file on the table adjacent to him.

With total resignation in my head, I humbly made my point, "Dad, In time you'll have to tell me. At that time, I hope it's not too late."

I moved briskly towards the door when his distressed voice called.

"Keren, wait."

I turned to him but I didn't move any closer. He could not even look me in the eyes he was avoiding eye contact. His hands were clenched in a fist, and I could see his anger was tailored towards himself. He spoke calmly with his face turned away but at intervals, he would look at me.

"I have always wanted my family to be together, happy and united but life chose to set us on different paths." 

He stopped to for some second dragging air into his nostrils and yarking himself for what he was about to say. 

"People from the immigration office came some weeks ago."

My eyes lit up with anxiety because I knew dad's travel documents were not valid. I drew close to him, speechless and almost certain of the outcome. Never did I expect this. Perhaps, I chose to ignore my hunch or I was too afraid to face the One-day, that was bound to come. My heartbeat rose as he spoke. 

"I was summoned to court and the verdict was that I ...l" He stuttered for a moment, "That ... that I must return to my country Israel."

I could not tell when I sat on the bed behind me. My tongue was tied to my mouth, shuddering from the sudden awareness of my fate. The One-day had come! The pain radiated in my bones and I grew numb within seconds. I remained still with dilated eyes, staring at nothing in particular. 

"No! No! it's not true!" I mumbled as tears cascaded down my eyes. Ferociously, I grabbed the bedsheets on my sides, clamouring at the realisation that it was true.

"You are not going anywhere, dad. They can't make you leave! This is your home! we can't live without you. Please, dad, don't go."

I was talking so quickly that I could not hear myself talk. In my helplessness, I broke down in tear.

"Please dad, don't leave us, don't leave me."

He came over and clasped me in a warm embrace as he consoled me.

"I'm not going forever, I will be back really soon. I just have to get my valid travel documents then I will return to you, my child. Please don't cry."

I held him tightly resting my head on his tears bathed neck. I was still crying when the thoughts came into my head.

"But mom is a citizen, doesn't that make you a citizen too."

"My dear it's not that simple. Certain legal processes must be done. When your mom and I married, I didn't complete the processes. I will get them done now, that's why I have to return to my country."

"You can as well get it done here," I grumbled.

"That's not how it works, I'm sure you will understand it when you're older."

"And Jochebed? Have you told her?" I questioned looking straight at him.

"I haven't dear." He replied.

I stared at him censoriously and asked, "Seriously! You haven't told her, but why?"

I didn't even wait for him to answer I continued, "She deserves to know the truth, it's not fair to keep this away from her. You have to-"

"Keren, listen to me," He cut in, "I know it's not right but what can I say? what is right? separating a father from his children? No, it's not right. I can't make her feel this pain, I can't do that to her especially now."

Tears dripped down his cheek and he could not hold the already built-up emotions, I could feel his pain I knew he was right, my sister, Jochebed could not deal with the situation, especially then. She needed all the concentration to succeed.

She was my father's pride, blessed with exceptional Intelligence. She was among the high school genius that was selected for a special astronaut project. I'm sure dad reasoned that after spending 2 years; it would be unloving to break such bad news to her.

Jochebed was fragile and very emotional, situations like this would break her badly she might even wish to return home immediately. Certainly, it would ruin all the years of hard work. 

"Please my dear, forgive me for not telling her and do not tell her."

I could not hold back my tears seeing my dad like that, immediately I replied, "I won't say a word to her I promise."

"That's good my dear, I knew you will always do the right thing...I miss you already."

"I miss you too dad."

We hugged and dad cried with me, mom joined us, holding us tightly in an embrace. I would never forget this moment in our lives.

We discussed more about it, however, mom's mind was made up. She would leave with dad in a few days. Although I was afraid to stay alone, I did not complain. I did not want to make her feel bad about leaving me; besides, I was scheduled to resume college a few weeks from then. 

At least, I imagined, if I get accepted, I won't be alone for too long; that was my only comfort. When I thought of these, I was caught in the mire of uncertainty. What lay ahead? How would life be without my family?