Psyche and Psycho

Chapter 4

Matapos kong sabihin kay Lianna na iready na yung resignation letter ko, I decided to just sleep for a while. I am sure na once na dumating yung resignation letter ko sa Office of the CEO ipapatawag ako kaagad once na Mabasa ni Dad yon.

I am sure that he will waste no time baka hindi nya mahintay na umuwi kami sa bahay at pag walaan nya na ako dito pa lang sa kompanya.

I actually don’t know how to say this but for the past five years I felt like I was barely existing and not living at all. I know that I was to be blamed and to be condemned for what happened to my mom and my brother. I want so bad to go back to that night if I can only turn back time.

I thought I was fine, sabi ko sa sarili ko I’ll take it. I told myself na if Dad wanted me to suffer all my life because of what happened to Kuya Ethos and Mama sabi ko sa sarili ko I’ll take it. Siguro sa naka lipas na limang taon na realize ko lang din na kasi life is too short. I may be alive today but I am not sure tomorrow. And besides Pakiramdam ko pagod na pagod ako.

I have never been this tired in my whole life, not until this day. Pakiramdam ko hanggang hindi ako umaalis dito at hindi ako lumalayo hindi siguro maayos yung buhay naming parehas kung hindi ako aalis lalo lang may mga madadamay na ibang tao.

Isa pa I hate to see my dad like this. My father is a good man he was a kind and sweet father to me and my brother and he was the sweetest and most loving husband to my mom.

It pains me to see him like this. He used to treat me like a princess lagi nyang sinasabi na ako ang paborito nyang anak dahil kamukhang kamukha ako ng mommy. He spoils me with everything and loves me so much. Pero after what happened, Dad felt like a completely different person to me.

It pains me to see how much the tragedy ruined our lives, how it ruined us as a person and as a family.

Naka pikit pa din ako but my mind is very active parang tulog ako na hindi tulog.

So nung bumukas yung pinto ko I know that Lianna will tell me to go to the CEO’s Office.

“I am very sorry to disturb your sleep Ma’am but the CEO wants you in his office right now.” Kinakabahan na sabi ni Lianna sa akin.

She looked at me with so much concern and trouble in her eyes.

To make her feel light, I smiled at her.

“Don’t worry Lianna, I’ll be fine okay? You don’t really have to worry. I got this.” Naka ngiti na sabi ko sa kanya.

I got my coat and then smiled at her before leaving.

The CEO’s office is just a few steps away from mine since I am the CFO. I cant help but feel a little scared. Pakiramdam ko any moment now my legs will turn into jelly.

Pagpasok ko palang ng pinto parang pinagpawisan bigla yung palad ko.

Ang sumalubong kaagad sa akin ay yung galit at nanlilisik na mata ng Daddy ko.

I want to take my eyes away from him. Ayokong makita na ganito nya akong tignan because it pains me so much.

“What is the meaning of this?!” galit na sigaw nya sa akin.

I trembled with the sound of his voice. It sounded like roaring thunder into my ears. For a single moment I wanted to turn around and just run away from him.

But then I reminded myself that this is a do or die situation.

I have to do this now or else I will never be able to do it anymore.

I calmed myself first and then breathe. I looked at him with determination in my eyes.

“I am resigning Sir,” maikling sagot ko sa kanya.

Dad’s face even got contorted. Parang latang lalong nayupi yung mukha nya nung narinig nya yung sinabi ko.

“I know that you are resigning Estella! Hindi ako kasing bobo mo! I know what a resignation letter is! Ang tinatanong ko sayo bakit ka nagsusubmit ng resignation letter? Is this how you are going to pay for everything?! You are turning your back away from the person who clothed and feed you! Is this about your stupid finance team?! If this is it then I will fire every single one of them!” galit na galit na sigaw nya sa akin.

My tears are slowly forming but thank God I managed to stop them.

“You don’t have to fire anybody Sir, hindi po ba sabi nyo nga wala akong kwenta sa kompanyang to. Wala naman akong naiaambag at walang saysay yung presensya ko sa kompanyang to edi wala na pong dahilan para magstay pa ako? You should hire someone else sir. Someone who is capable in your eyes, someone who has skills and someone who is worth it Sir. Someone who isn’t me.” Prangkang sagot ko sa kanya.

Lalong nagalit ang itsura ni Dad ng marinig nya yung mga sinabi ko sa kanya. He was already red.

Hindi naman kasi ako sumasagot sa kanya, ever since that night when mom and kuya died because of me hindi ako kalian man sumagot kay Dad kahit pa gaano kasakit yung mga sinasabi nya sa akin.

 Pikit mata ko yong tinatanggap dahil nga alam kong kasalanan ko at wala akong choice kung hindi ang tanggapin lahat ng ibinabato nya sa akin. Sino ako para magalit hindi ba? Ako ang may kasalanan kung bat nawalan sya ng anak at asawa kaya katanggap tanggap kung ganon nalang ang galit nya sa akin.

“Are you insinuating that I am unfair and unjust to you?! Is this the reason why you are sending me this gatdamn resignation letter? Kahit kalian ka talaga napaka walang kwenta mo! Ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko! Wala ka nan gang kwenta wala ka pang utang na loob!” galit nag alit na sigaw nya sa akin.

“Kung sana ikaw nalang ang namatay at hindi ang Mommy mo at kuya mob aka hindi ganito! Sana ikaw nalang ang namatay dahil kahit naman ikaw ang nabuhay wala ka namang saysay!” galit nag alit na sigaw nya pa din sa akin.

Lahat ng inipon kong lakas ng loob at tapang nawala nung narinig ko yung mga sinabi ni Dad.

Nanlambot yung tuhod ko, Mabuti nalang at may upuan sa tabi ko kaya doon ako naka kapit para hindi ako tuluyang mapa upo sa sobrang panlalambot.

I breathe in some more and then gathered up some strength. Aalis na ako dahil walang mangyayari kung magsstay pa ako rito.

I managed to stand up, I was about to walk away but Dad suddenly talked.

“The moment you got out of that door I will not consider you as a Trinidad anymore you are not my daughter. Wala na akong anak, kasama ka na namatay ng asawa at kapatid mo. Wala kang makukuhang mana sa akin kahit piso. Kakalimutan kong nagging anak kita. Wala ka ng babalikan.” Matigas na sabi ni Dad sa akin habang seryoso akong tinitignan.