Psyche and Psycho

Chapter 3 (I give up)

When I went to my office I immediately walked towrds the mini fridge to get some water, which I badly need right now.

After all these years, after everything I have been through and everything that I did for this damn company that is all I will get?

I grabbed the folder of the Israel trasanction and crampled it.

“Lianna bring me the finance team right now.” I commanded my personal assistant.

“Ma’am hindi pa po sila kumpleto, 4 palang po ang nasa office as of the moment alas dose na din po kasi silang nagsi-uwi kagabi para po mayari yung costing and proposal na isi-nubmit po sa CEO this morning,” sagot naman sa akin ni Lianna.

“I don’t care what they are doing, I want them in my office within 10 minutes. Everyone who will not be able to come within five minutes is therefore terminated. I will take a nap make sure that when I wake up andito na silang lahat. Are we clear?”

Sanay na akong napapagalitan ni Dad, wala naman talaga akong ginawang tama para sa mata nya. Palagi naman ganon, sobrang palagi to the point that I already get used to it. I have reviewed the proposal of my team and it was perfect.

I dont really understand why my Dad has to make it to the point to ALWAYS  make my life harder hindi man nya ako tinutorture physically dahil sa nangyayari he is torturing me emotionally and psychologically.

I sometimes wish that I have died that night with my mom and my kuya.

I wouldn’t have to deal with this, hindi ko na sana kailangan na palaging patunayan yung sarili ko kasi napapagod din ako.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

I survive that night, five years ago but it felt like there was actually three people that died that night. I was physically alive but I felt like I died with them that night.

There was nothing left for me, I was in trauma for what happened. I feel broke, I feel guilty and I pity myself because no one was really there for me.

I was left all alone, I was left to fend for myself because no oneelse will.

It was exactly 10 minutes when I heard my timer rings. I automatically got up and fixed my chair.

“Good Morning Ms. Psyche,” the finance team unanimously greeted me.

They all look so tired. Makikita mo talaga sa kanila na wala pa silang pahinga. They have been working for this project for almost 2 months now. They spent days and  nights in the office because they know how important this deal is, the pressure is really high.

 The company expects them to deliver perfectly, I saw all their hardwork and effort that’s why I just couldn’t take it when I saw my dad throwing away their project as if it was really a trash.

“Sino ang nagtransmit ng proposal sa office of the CEO?” I calmly asked.

They all looked at each other and look down the tiles.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” I asked again.

“Ma’am ako po, Ako po Ma’am,” namumutla na sagod ni Cassandra habang nanginginig sa takot.

“Bakit mo isinubmit? Nagsabi na ba ako na dapat ng itransmit?” seryoso kong tanong sa kanya.

Hindi sya makatingin sa akin sa mata, she was looking down while slowly crying.

“DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MY QUESTION?! I DONT NEED YOUR TEARS RIGHT NOW MS. BELMONTE. I WANT ANSWER!” I shouted I just couldnt handle my emotions right now.

Alam naman nila eh, na palagi everytime na may kailangang isubmit na report at proposal sa office of the CEO hindi pwedeng sila ang magtatransmit. Kailangan na ako.

Kasi kung sila ang magsusubmit non babasurahin lang yon ni Dad, kahit anong ganda ng proposal nila walang halaga sa kanya yon.

Kung ako ang nagsubmit non, I can defend them. I can tell him that I personally checked it and I can fight for the project.

“Ma’am, ma’am kasi po tuwing nagsusubmit po kayo ng proposal sa  office of the CEO paglabas nyo po namumula po kayo at halatang umiyak po kayo. Ma’am naisip ko lang po na baka po mas okay na ako nalang po yung magtransmit para kung may ipatawag po ang CEO ako nalang po since ako naman po yung project leader,” she said while crying.

Napasapo nalang ako sa ulo ko. Tama naman si Miss Belmonte, everytime na nagsusubmit ako ng files kadalasan paglabas ko ng opisina umiiyak ako.

Pano akong hindi iiyak, sa tuwing papasok ako sa opisinang yon, paulit ulit na sinasabi sakin ni Dad na sana ako nalang ang nawala, na sana kahit manlang si Kuya naka-survive kasi wala akong kwenta, kasi wala nga akong halaga at kasi wala nga ako sa katiting nya.

Kahit anong pagsisikap ang gawin ko wala pa din. Hindi pa din magiging sapat. Baka kahit ibigay ko yung buhay ko kay Dad wala pa ding halaga sa kanya.

“Patawarin nyo po sana ako, I am willing to take responsibility po ma’am, you can terminate or suspend me po pero please po, please allow the team po to have their job. Ako naman po ang nag-submit ma’am eh ako nalang po ang sasalo ng lahat,” umiiyak na pakiusap ni Miss Belmonte sa akin.

Napa-hilamos nalang ako ng palad sa mukha ko sa sobrang frustration na nararamdaman ko.

I don’t really know what’s with this day, it feels so heavy.

Umiiyak na din ngayon ang mga team members nya. I closed my eyes tightly  and inhaled.

“No on is getting terminated or suspended. You will still have your job.” I said seriously.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan kayang gawin ni Dad yung ganito, to the point na naapektohan pati yung mga tao ko. Yung mga tao maayos na nagtatrabaho para sa mga pamilya nila. Yung mga tao na hindi kayang mawalan ng trabaho kaya ginagawa ang lahat para lang masatisfy siya.

“I want you to work again with this project, I will just review the proposal again. I will provide the revisions to day and will give you 3 days to furnish the project. Will that be okay?” I calmly asked.

“Yes ma’am! Yes po! Gagawin po namin yung best namin!” Miss Belmonte happily said while she was smilling.

“Alam kong magagaling kayo, at kompanya ang mawawalan kung pakakawalan kayo. Go back to your office now. Ipapasunod ko yung revisions na ipapagawa ko sa inyo. The lunch is on me.” I smiled as I dismissed her.

They all bid their thank you’s to me and I just nod at them.

“Lianna prepare my resignation letter, make it effective today.” I instructed Lianna.

She just look at me as if she didn’t understand what I just said.

“Lianna? Did you heard me?” I asked her.

“Ma’am? Sigurado po ba kayo?” malungkot na tanong nya sa akin.

Lianna has been with me since I started working in the company, she’s been a friend to me.

I just smiled and nod at her. She cried then suddenly hugged me.

Hindi ko mapigilan na umiyak nalang din.

“I’m happy for you ma’am, finally. Nandito lang po ako, kung kailangan nyo ng kaibigan. Deserve nyo po na sumaya ma’am Psyche,” umiiyak na sabi ni Lianna sa akin.

I couldn’t help but just cry and nod at her.

Siguro ganon talaga, lahat ng simula may katapusan kasi kung hindi natin tatapusin hindi tayo makakapag-simula ng panibago.

I want to choose myself now, so I finally give up.