Psyche and Psycho

Chapter 2 (Worthless)

I was panthing heavily.

Pawis na pawis ako at may luha sa mata na nagising alas dos ng madaling araw.

I looked at the clock beside my bed and realize that I had another nightmare. For the last five years this is what has always been consistent for me. My nightmares. Every single night I have them. Kaya I guess I will really never be able to forget that night.

Every night was a constant reminder to me of my biggest mistake in life.

I got up and decided to have a drink and to calm my nerves and yeah probably I was hoping that I can have another sleep because its just two f*****g am in the morning.

That night I didn’t hope for survival. I hope that wherever my mom and my kuya be, I wanted to be with. Tears are now starting to fall from my eyes.

I walked towards my cabinet and saw our picture.

It was our family picture.

I held it and cried.

We used to be so happy, I thought I was already living the best life. I have everything. But then I lost my Mom and my Kuya and eventually my Dad.

“Mom I hope you are watching over me right now, I miss you. I can’t wait to be with you and Kuya. For the past five years, life has been really tough for me. I was all alone mom,” I said while holding our picture and crying.

“Kuya how are you, I am now 22, tall enough and big enough to have boys. Hahaha if your were just here you would probably knock my head. I miss you  Kuya, I miss your corny jokes and your overly protecting Kuya attitude.” I cried while talking to my Kuya.

I kept crying and crying. I think I missed them extra tonight.

I sometimes wished that Kuya and Mom would’ve survived instead of me.      When they lost their lives that night I also lost mine.The next morning I woke up at around 9 in the morning. I always make sure na laging late akong nagigising kasi as much as possible iniiwasan ko talaga na mag-abot kami ni Dad. Hindi naman sa nag-aaway kami pag nag-aabot kami, it’s just that whenever he’s around I feel like I was more alone, I feel more stupid.

Pagbaba ko inabutan ko si Manang Lorna sa kusina. She’s been with us since I was I guess three?

She’s my and kuya’s yaya. Mom never let other mades take care of us but Manang Lorna.

Actually sa buhay ko ngayon, sa palagay ko si Manang Lorna nalang yung nag-iisang tao na nakaka-intindi at umiintindi sa akin.

She looked at me and smiled.

“Magandang umaga ho Señorita,” bati nya sa akin.

I genuinely smiled at her.

“Good morning din po Manang, ready na po ba yung breakfast?” I asked while grabbing a seat at the dining table.

“Opo Señorita, ipapalabas ko na kanila Angelica ang pagkain,” nakangiti na sabi ni Manang Lorna sa akin.

Pumasok sya sa kitchen at paglabas nya ay kasunod nya na sina Angelica at Ina para maghain ng umagahan.

“Magandang umaga po señorita,” nakangiti na bati sa akin ni Angelica.

“Good morning din Angelica, hala sige kain na tayo,” sagot ko  kay Angelica sabay aya sa kanila na kumain.

Araw-araw sila ang kasabay kong kumain, sina Manang Lorna, Angelica at Ina paminsan kasabay din naming si Mang Gardo yung personal driver ko.

“Señorita ipapatawag ko po ba si kuya Gardo?” tanong ni Ina sakin.

“Yes please I have to go to the company today, may mga meetings akong kailangang attendan,” nakangiti kong sagot kay Ina.

After eating I decided to went upstairs and start to prepare myself coz’ I really have a lot of meetings to attend today.

I took my time taking a bath, and after more than an hour of preparing I am now choosing my outfit for the day. I browsed through my walk-in cabinet to choose an outfit.

The 17-year old me would probably laugh at me pag nakita nya ako ngayon. I am far from the 17 year old Psyche Estella. Before I used to be a chic, I pay so much attention with how I look and what I wear but now I only want myself to look presentable, nothing magnificent and grand.

For more than five years I have not experienced being happy again, I rarely laugh and party. I don’t know maybe I was the one really depriving myself of happiness.

Pakiramdam ko wala akong karapatan na maging masaya. May mga tao naman na sinusubukan maging malapit sa akin pero siguro kaya tumitigil sila sa pagsubok na malapit sa akin ay dahil nakikita nila na hopeless na ako.

I saw a maroon coat, I decided to pair it with white crop-top and beige pencil cut skirt. After getting ready I got my channel bag and went downstairs.

Mang Gardo is already waiting for me downstairs. When he saw me he immediately opened the door of the car for me.

“Good morning Mang Gardo, salamat po,” bati ko kay Mang Gardo at pasasalamat sa pagbukas nya ng pinto para sa akin.

This is another thing that the 17-year old Psyche wouldn’t probably do, appreciating other people was so not me while I was young. Nong bata ako hindi ako kinakausap ng mga kasambahay namin siguro dahil natatakot sila na baka may masabi sila na ika-inis ko at palayasin sila. May ganon kasi akong attitude noon.

But now I realized that being that bitchy will do me no good, I treat people fairly and properly not because I am being kind. Let’s say this is me trying to be proper as I can.

After a few minutes we were already at the company.

Mang Gardo stopped the right in front of the company and opened the door for me.

When I walked inside the company everyone was looking at me and greeted me a pleasant morning. I didn’t bother greeting them back. They were just being plastics. Binabati ako kapag naka harap pero pinag-tsitsismisan kapag nakatalikod.

I was about to go to my office when Sandra saw me. Sandra is the executive assistant of the CEO, my Dad. She look really bad, siguro wala sa mood si Daddy. Sandra look so haggard, ganito sya kapag hindi nya na alam kung panong assist ang gagawin nya sa Daddy ko.

“Good morning Ms. Psyche, we have a situation. The CEO is already waiting for you in his office,” Sandra nervously said.

I just nodded at her and went straight to my Dad’s office.

“Good morning Sir,” bati ko kay Dad.

Sir. Yes I call him Sir, whenever we are at the office because he told me that whenever we are at the company, he is the CEO and I am a CFO. I am his employee.

“Have a seat Ms. Trinidad,” Dad said monotonously.

“When will you ever do your job properly Ms. Trinidad? We are having problem with the budget for the machine guns that we have to export to Israel,” he said while looking at the folder that the finance team probably sent.

“ This is nothing but a trash, can’t you do something better than this?” he said with too much bitterness.

Hindi ako sumasagot, I just quietly listened to whatever bullshit he was saying to me.

“You are really nothing but a piece of trash. Sayang ang pinang paaral ko sayo. Malayong malayo ka sa Kuya mo Estella,” he disappointingly said to me.

I tried my best not answer whatever Dad was saying to me.

“You are nothing Estella, I wonder why I wasted my money on you, wala kang pakinabang.” Sabi nya sakin sabay tapon ng folder ng costing para sa Israel transaction.

“I- I’ll just talk with the team Sir, ipapaayos ko po kung ano yung kailangan nilang ayusin.” Pagkasabi ko noon, mabilis ako tumayo at pinulot isa isa yung mga papel na itinapon ni Dad.

I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I rushed towards the door and went straight ahead to my office.

What a way to start my day.