Tears of love

2. The breakup. [Part 2]

When I'm in front of his door, I knock five times, but get no answer from him.

"Jeremy" I call out to him.

"Not now, Aurora" his voice sounds angry. "Go away."

I ignore the hostility with which he speaks to me.

"No, open up" there is no response from him. "Jer, you know me, you know how stubborn I can be. I'm not leaving here until you open up."

Again there is no answer and my mind is filled with endless worries.

What if he's hurt and doesn't want to be seen?

Would something serious happen to him?

Would something happen with Sabrina?

"Jeremy... open up" I draw air into my lungs and then begin to scream with intensity: "Open up! Open up! Open up!..."

When the door suddenly opens, I'm a little off balance because I was leaning against it.

Jeremy looks at me with his frown on his face, waiting for me to say something, but I don't say anything because he's supposed to be the one to tell me what's going on. I stand still, staring at him as he turns to walk over to his bed. He lies flat on it, ignoring me obliviously.

I hate that he's like this, so hard to read.

You never know what he's feeling, he's too closed in on himself.

I don't understand how someone can be so reserved, how he can keep so much inside himself. He is an opposite counterpart of me. My feelings can be read on my face, I am an open book. On the other hand, to know Jer's emotional state, you have to dissect him thoroughly until you can't miss a single clue.

I go into his room, carefully close the door and sit on the edge of the bed, looking at him.

"Jeremy..."

"She broke up with me..." I don't need him to tell me who he's talking about to know he's talking about Sabrina. "By another guy."

I stare at his tense back and slowly rest my hand on it.

What am I supposed to tell him?

"Jeremy..." I startle when he turns quickly and grabs my hand to pull me into his body and hold me tightly, pulling me down on top of him.

"I love her," he whispers, adding one more crack to my aching heart. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to burn those words into my memory.

"I know" I finally say. "I'm sorry, Jeremy, I'm really sorry. You... you looked so happy when you were with her."

"I was," he says against my neck and I ignore the feeling of his warm breath on my skin. "I'm happy when I'm with her, Aurora."

I slowly stroke his hair and for a second I think about how pathetic I must look right now. I'm comforting the boy I love for breaking up with the girl he loves.

I really... suck.

"Maybe she wasn't for you" I say in a low whisper.

He breaks away from me as soon as I blurt out the words.

"You don't understand," he says almost cruelly. "We had been in a relationship for almost two years, Aurora. She's for me, she's the one, I know it."

I look down at the floor and clench my fists tightly, digging my nails into my skin to find refuge in the physical pain, trying to ignore the pain in my chest.

"I don't know what to tell you" I whisper without looking at him.

He laughs bitterly.

"Of course you don't know, you're just a child, what can you know about love?"

I feel how his words cut me inside.

"You're right" I smile slightly. "What can I know about love?"

I rest my hands on my knees and stare at the floor for a moment.

An uncomfortable silence fills the room.

What can I know about love?

His words infuriate me because inside me, I am well aware that my love for him is probably the most selfless love anyone could ever give him. I don't know if it is the greatest or the strongest, but I do know that no one will ever love him in the selfless way that I do.

Because above my happiness, I always prefer his.

And if that's not love, then I don't know what love is.

I bite my lip and avoid ranting all the words that want to come out of me, so I just stand up, ready to leave.

"Don't go" his hand on my wrist stops me.

I look at him.

"I don't think I'm much help to you. You said it, I don't know anything about love, Jeremy" I'm aware of the bitterness in my voice, but I don't care.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He tightens his grip on me, looking at me pleadingly, "I don't know what I'm saying, I just... I just need you to hold me."

"Jeremy..." I sigh, surrendering. "Give me your side."

He obeys. He steps aside to give me space. I sit on the bed so that he can rest his head on my legs.

"Go to sleep," I whisper, stroking his bushy eyebrows with my fingers.

He smiles slightly at me as he closes his eyes, the pain fading from his face as my caress on him continues. I focus only on Jeremy as my fingers trace his features... but I never dare touch his lips.

"Will it ever stop hurting?" He asks in a very low voice.

Does it really stop hurting? I ask myself and I want to cry when I know the answer.

No, it doesn't stop hurting. At least it hurts me just as much when I see him every day with her, but I'm not going to tell him that.

"I don't know" I whisper, concentrating on outlining his jaw. "But they say that time heals everything."

Again I want to laugh because that phrase definitely hasn't worked on me.

"What if I don't want to heal?" He says pursing his lips.

"Then maybe not, it's not going to stop hurting."

I hear him grunt a little and smile at the sound.

"Love is bullshit."

Tell me about it.

My thoughts wander to Sabrina and I wonder which guy she would leave Jeremy for. I can't really imagine anyone who is better than him and I'm not saying that because I love him, no. I'm saying that because I could see how he would look at her. Jeremy would give her anything she asked for in a heartbeat, I know.

She's such a fool.

Or maybe I'm the dumb one.

I don't know.

But, in any case, how could Sabrina let him go?

All my life I've dreamed of Jeremy feeling at least a small part of what he feels for her. And she comes along and leaves him for someone else. I guess some people want what others don't value, it's a common occurrence in this maverick and absurd world.

I sigh and my heart eases a little when I see Jer's breathing become heavy.

He is asleep.

Careful not to wake him, I rest his head on the pillow and make my way to the door. When I open it, I find Sadie and my brother arguing in the hallway, which is normal between them.

"Why won't you let me in, blondie?" Tyler asks her, glaring angrily at her.

She turns her back on me because she is preventing him from entering the room.

"I tell you to leave them alone, you idiot."

They both look at me as I close the door behind me, the sound catching their attention.

"What are you doing alone in the room with Jeremy?" Tyler asks curiously.

I roll my eyes and then look at Sadie who looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer as to why Jeremy arrived in that state.

"He and Sabrina broke up" I don't say it was her who decided to end the relationship because that's for Jeremy to say, not me.

Tyler's posture changes immediately and his eyebrows lower, his face taking on a worried grimace.

"How is he doing?" He asks.

"Asleep" I just answer him.

Tyler looks at the door, as if he's trying to control himself to go inside to check that Jeremy is okay. Sadie, on the other hand, looks at me, as if she is afraid of my reaction.

I give her a small smile in an attempt to reassure her, but she doesn't change her worried posture.

She knows I'm not well.

"Can you sleep with me?" I ask her in a weak voice.

I see out of the corner of my eye how my brother frowns, but surprisingly he just remains silent.

"If you want," Sadie says, still looking at me with concern.

I nod.

"Good night, Tyler," I say, walking past him, pulling Sadie with me.

As usual, she and my brother ignore each other.

When we're in my room, Sadie doesn't wait another second to hug me tightly.

And there, in her arms, I allow myself to cry and again for Jeremy.