Healed, Finally [Tagalog]

Board Exam

"Ma andito na po ako" sabi ko at pumasok ng kwarto.

Kakauwi ko lang galing sa libing ni Bea at sobrang bigat sa dibdib.

Parang kailan lang nakikita ko pa siya sa loob ng classroom. Parang kailan lang nakakakulitan ko pa siya.

And at that, muli kong naalala yung pinakatumatak saaking mga sinabi ng Mommy niya.

"Ma'am kaya pala bago siya umalis noong umaga na yun parang may mali. Kasi dati-dati naman na kapag aalis siya, magsasabi lang ng bye. Pero noong umaga na yun Ma'am, niyakap niya ako. Sinabi niya saakin na mahal niya daw ako. Humalik pa nga saakin ma'am saka ako niyakap ng sobrang higpit. Pagkatapos din niyang bumaba sa sasakyan namin pagkahatid ko sakanya, may sinabi siya. Sabi niya ma'am, "Ma, bye ! mamimiss kita""

Umiyak ako ng umiyak hanggang sa tingin ko ay wala na akong iiiyak.

I let myself cry and be exhausted because of it. I let it all out. Alam ko na ayaw ni Bea na maging ganito ako. Kaya naman gagawin ko ang best ko para bumalik sa dating ako.

--

"oh kain ka na" sabi ni Mommy at binigyan ako ng plato, padabog niya pa itong ginawa.

Napatingin ako sakanya at mukhang wala sa mood.

Umupo na din sila Daddy at kapatid ko na si Lunar.

Napatingin agad saakin si Daddy na mukhang nag-aalala.

"bakit mugto nanaman yang mata mo?" tanong niya.

Yumuko nalang ako.

"Umiyak nanaman siguro magdamag, Pa" sumbong naman ni Lunar.

"huwag yang pag-iyak iyak ang inaatupag mo. Ang atupagin mo, yung board exam mo. Bakit ba kasi hindi ka makapasa pasa ha" pangaral saakin ni Mommy.

One time akong nagtake ng board exam and unfortunately, hindi ako nakapasa.

Ngayon, gusto ni Mommy na makapasa na ako pero gusto ko, magtake ako ulit ng exams if ready na talaga ako and as of now, I am not ready.

"magreview ka lang saka ka na papasa, bakit ba hindi ka makapagfocus ha" pangangaral niya.

"oh, tama na yan" sagot naman ni Daddy.

Tahimik lang ako na nakayuko.

"hindi nalang po ako kakain. Maaga pa po pala ako ngayon sa school" I kindly excused myself at umalis ng hapag.

Dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko at humarap sa salamin.

"Don't cry, don't cry. Solene, don't cry" paulit ulit kong sabi sa sarili ko.

I forced a smile at nag-ayos na. Naligo, nagbihis, nagmake-up. Lahat ginawa ko as if hindi ako drained.

"kaya mo yan, Solene" I told myself as I put on a lipstick while holding back my tears.

At that moment, Dad knocked on my door.

I looked at myself once again at the mirror and saw a tired suffering girl pretending to be a strong woman.

"Sol, anak" tawag ni Daddy sabay katok. Napakalambing ng boses niya.

Binuksan ko ang pinto at nakita si Daddy na agad akong inabutan ng cash.

"nakita ko yung wallet mo, naghihingalo na" he joked.

I shook my head.

"no, Dad. May trabaho na ako, hindi na po dapat ninyo ako binibigyan ng pera" I smiled at ibinalik sa kamay niya ang pera.

"pero alam ko naman anak na mababa lang sahod mo sa private school. Tanggapin mo na, para makapagbreakfast ka sa labas" hindi ko man kinuha ay isinuksok ni Dad sa mga palad ko ang cash na hawak niya.

"matalino ang anak ko kaya, baka hindi pa time na magpublic school ka. Kayang kaya mo yun, anak" he gave me a hug.

Again, umiyak ako ulit.

Napakalaking pressure para saakin ang board exams. Ngayon, gusto ko yung gagastusin sa board exam ay hindi galing sa bulsa ng mga magulang ko kundi galing sa bulsa ko mismo.

Ayaw ko naman na isumbat ni Mommy ulit yung gastos niya doon.

Mahal ko si Mommy, mahal ko ang parents ko, mahal ko ang family ko. Kaya naman ayaw ko ulit silang madisappoint saakin.

Umalis ako ng bahay without my Mom talking to me, like hindi niya ako pinansin.

Pumara ako ng jeep at nag-isip isip. Wala naman kaming pasok ngayon dahil holiday. Weird nga baka makita pa ako ng ibang mga teachers na naka uniform.

Dumiretso nalang ako sa library. Nagrereview naman talaga ako para sa board exam, self review nga lang para less gastos.

Walang nakakaalam na nagrereview ako para sa board. Wala din namang makakaalam na magt-take ako ulit ng board.

Lumipas ang bawat araw at tila naging tambayan ko ang library. Pagkatapos ng trabaho, diretso dito at review ng ilang oras. Pagkatapos ay uuwi at matutulog. And the cycle continues.

Saturday. Walang pasok at pauwi na ako galing library pero napakalakas ng ulan. Nag-abang nalang ako sa labas ng library habang hinihintay si Talia, susunduin niya nalang daw ako. Medyo naguluhan pa siya kung bakit ako nasa library pero pumayag naman.

"Hello po, Teacher"

Nagulat ako nang may marinig akong very cute and familiar na boses from behind.

I looked back and saw Travis waving his cute little hand. Why is he here? I looked at myself and buti nalang ay nakaayos din naman ako kahit kaunti.

I want to look decent infront of my pupils since ako ang magiging example na pwede nilang gayahin in the near future. And, I want to be a good example not a bad one.

Well, sa basic top, pants and shoes is fine naman. Good thing, I dressed nicely today. Most of the days ay very messy pa ako na pumupunta dito.

"oh hi, Travis" I waved my hand ,"why are you here? whom are you with?"

Iisa lang kasi niya and I can't see anyone behind him.

"I'm with Tito po, he's just getting some books and then I saw you so I decided to say hi" he smiled sweetly. What a sweet boy.

"your Tito might be looking for you, go back inside it's raining" I said.

Pero ayaw ng bata. He'll accompany me daw.

Moments after and a tall guy approached us as well.

"Travis, I was looking for you" he said with a very deep voice. Napalingon ako and he has this neat look with business attire.

"Tito diba turo po ninyo na be gentleman, so I am accompanying my Teacher because she's alone" Travis reasoned out. Oh, so he's the tito.

The guy looked at me and smiled.

"You're his teacher?" he asked.

"Yes, I am his teacher. And you are his Tito?" I asked what's obvious.

"Yes" he answered shortly.

"Go on, Travis. I'm just waiting for a friend, I can handle. Go with your Tito na" I told Travis since ayaw niya pang umalis and his Tito seems very busy.

"no, we can accompany you" his Tito said and leaned on the wall as if trying to make himself comfortable while waiting.

"hala, nakakaabala pa ako. No need na talaga, go on with what you're doing and what you are about to do din. I can handle" I smiled.

"do we have anything to do?" he asked Travis. Travis leaned on the wall as well, copying his Tito. Both of them even have their arms on their pockets.

"no, we don't" Travis answered.

Hi Tito gave me a reassuring smile. I just gave a shy smile.

Etong batang ito, sinama pa Tito niya sa kalokohan.

I looked at Travis and he gave me a cute smile.

"Teacher, sinong friend mo ang hinihintay natin?" Travis asked out of the blue.

Well, it was very awkward. Very quiet and wala din akong maisip na topic.

Buti nalang at si Travis na ang nag-initiate ng conversation.

"uhm, the school nurse. She's my best friend" I answered. I leaned as well unto the wall to give my back some rest.

"are you here to read some books?" his Tito asked. Okay, they're trying to make me talk and I'm happy with that.

"yes, reviewing" I shyly said.

"do you have a test, Teacher? may quiz akong mga teachers? and si Ma'am Principal ang teacher po ninyo?" Travis innocently asked. I just gave him an awkward smile, I'll let him think that way.

"board" I just mouthed to his Tito since nakatingin siya saakin and he seems to be very puzzled.

He just nodded over and over again.

"good luck" he mouthed as well.

"good luck din, Teacher" Travis smiled at me. I just scrunched my nose.

Should I initiate a conversation? natapos na yung first conversation but I can't think of any.

"Miss, what's your name? I mean, if you don't mind" his Tito asked.

I was shocked.

Travis was about to say my name but I said it first.

"Solene, I'm Solene" I smiled.

"pretty name" he complimented. I just smiled and looked at the front.

Pretty name daw. That somewhat makes me happy.

"you won't ask for my name?" he asked.

Agad akong napatingin sakanya at nagpanic.

"oh yes, yes. I will ask of course. Wh-what's your name?" I asked. He just chuckled.

"Kenzo, Kenzo Zacarias" he said, when I looked at him he's looking at the front.

Minutes after and nakareceive na ako ng tawag from Talia, he's around the corner na daw.

"My friend's here, you can continue with your errands na" I said and waved.

"are you sure?" Kenzo asked.

I nodded.

"bye bye, Teacher. Ingat po kayo" Travis waved his hands.

"bye, Travis. Be a good boy ha, don't be pasaway. See you at school" I smiled at him.

"good bye, Miss. Good luck" Kenzo said.

"bye, thank you" I smiled and waved my hand again.

Akala ko ay papasok na sila ulit sa library pero hindi pala, hinintay talaga nilang dumating si Talia at sunduin ako.

"uy sino yung pogi?" tanong kaagad ni Talia the moment I got inside her car. Nabasa pa nga din ako.

"Tito ng estudyante ko" I answered.

"jowa mo?" she asked which made me jump.

"hindi ano! nagkataon lang na andon din sila, ayaw din naman pumasok ni Travis kaya sinamahan nalang nila ako na hintayin ka" paliwanag ko.

Tumango tango siya pero I know for sure na may kasama itong pagdududa.

"you don't believe me, do you?" I asked.

She nodded.

I let her think what she wants to think.

"oo na oo na naniniwala na. Tumahimik ka na kaagad diyan eh" sagot niya kaya hinampas ko siya.

"bakit ka pala nasa library?" she asked.

Binigyan niya ng tingin yung mga hawak kong libro na nabasa din ng kaunti.

"what's going on?" she asked, "well, sure ako na hindi yan for school since hindi ka naman nagtuturo sa mga bata ng ganyan"

"hulaan mo nalang" sagot ko.

"I have a hunch but hunch lang naman. Hindi pa sure" sagot niya.

"what's your hunch?" I asked.

"are you taking an exam?" she asked.

I nodded slowly.

I saw how she smiled, like super proud siya.

"just don't tell anyone. Ayaw kong may madisappoint ulit" bilin ko.

"yes, sir" sabi niya.

--

Nadadatnan ako paminsan minsan ni Mommy na umuuwi ng gabi. Which means na kinaumagahan non ay may sermon ulit.

At, itong araw na ito ay isa sa mga yun.

"ganyan ba ha ang tamang pag-uwi ng teacher? gabing gabi ka nang umuuwi. Ano bang pinaggagagawa mo sa labas. Alam mo naman na hanggang 5pm lang ang duty mo sa school, pero uwi mo lagi 10pm?" pagsesermon ni Mommy.

And everytime nangyayari ito, wala nalang akong sinasabi.

I always remain silent. And I think, that became my habit.

"umuwi ka ng maaga. Baka naglalakwatsa ka na diyan. Imbes na yung board exam mo ang inaatupag mo, puro lakwatsa lakwatsa" dagdag pa ni Mommy.

Today is Monday morning. Well, kailangan ko naman talagang maging maaga today day dahil may flag ceremony so I decided to skip my breakfast.

"Mom, Dad alis na po ako. May flag ceremony kami, kailangan kong maging maaga" sabi ko at umalis ng hapag.

"aba tignan mo ito, kapag napagsasabihan umaalis. Ano, hindi ka na ba talaga makikinig sa mommy mo, hindi ka ba talaga makikinig saakin?" sigaw pa ni Mommy.

Kinuha ko nalang ang bag ko sa kwarto at umalis.

Habang naglalakad papuntang sakayan ng jeep, humabol saakin si Lunar.

Lunar is my youngest sibling, buti pa siya nakapasa na ng board. Isa na nga siyang engineer, buti pa siya. Pero I'm happy for him, super happy for him.

Humabol lang siya at isinuksok sa bulsa ko ang susi ng kotse niya without saying anything at umalis, bumalik na sa bahay.

Tumingin ako sa susi. This key signifies how he successful he is na.

He already brought his own car and ngayon ay may plano na siyang bumukod saamin at magcondo.

Samantalang ako, teacher na hindi manlang makabili ng sariling sasakyan at hindi pa makapasa pasa sa board exam.

Bumalik ako ng bahay at inilapag sa desk ni Lunar ang susi ng kotse niya.

The next time I will drive a car, I'll make sure that it's my own car.

The day I drive a car, the day I know I bought it.

I've set a goal and I am eager to accomplish it.

--

The day of the examination.

I was too nervous.

--

The results are out.

Again, I am so nervous as ever.