Love Just Ain't Enough (BOOK TWO)

EIGHTEEN: COME WHAT MAY

I shuddered when I heard the ting sound of the lift. When the lift door opened, my breaths became short and shallow. I was nervous as hell. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng aking kalamnan at habang humahakbang ako palabas sa lift na iyon, tila ako nakalutang sa hangin.

A sudden gust of wind coming from the open balcony hit me. Nangilkig ako sa lamig. I hugged myself while I looked around the whole place. Walang nagbago sa pad ni Alejandro. Walang kalat at kahit ang mga libro sa bookshelf ay maayos na nakahilera doon at tila hindi kailanman nagalaw buhat nang umalis ako halos limang taon na ang nakakalipas.

Umikot ako pakanan, heading to the bedroom door of Alejandro. Mabagal akong naglakad palapit doon. Nang tumapat ako, humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. Anuman ang malaman ko tungkol sa sinasabi ni Alejandro na dahilan ng pag-iwan niya sa akin noon, gaano man iyon kababaw at kalalim, tiyak akong tatanggapin ko ng buo ang rason na iyon.

I’m done running away from the fear of being hurt again. I was wrong when I let the pain consumed me. It would have been hurt less if I had let it out. If only I let other people consoled me. If only I told lola about what I was going through, I would have been okay. I would have probably sought Alejandro and maybe ask him directly why he did that. Why he left me. Kaso, nagpakalunod ako sa sakit. I was weak after all.

When I fell in love with him, I knew that pain was inevitable. It was just, at that time, I wasn’t prepared enough to handle it. When he left me, I thought it was the end.  But as the days went by, my heart continued beating. No matter how broken and shattered it was, it still beats. And then I knew, my love for him never gone. It never fades away. My heart keeps beating because it still loves the person who hurt it. I’d rather take the hard and painful days with Alejandro’s hand holding mine, than take the happy ones with any other person in this world.

I just couldn’t imagine myself being with someone else rather than Alejandro. I wanted to do bad things. Kiss random guys. Let them touch me. Give myself to somebody else. Pero iniisip ko pa lang, sumisikip na ang dibdib ko. Kaya kahit gaano kabuti ni Tyler sa akin, hindi ko kayang suklian ang pag-ibig niya sa akin. For me, Alejandro is the one. Kahit alam kong hindi tiyak na magkukrus ulit ang landas naming dalawa. Kahit sobrang labo ng hinaharap naming dalawa, kahit walang katiyakan sa pagmamahalan namin, siya at siya pa rin.

I lifted my hand and touched the surface of the door. “I’m ready to face your truth, Alejandro Salvatore. I hope you’re also ready to face mine. My truth? My truth is that you’re always my ride or die. It’s all or nothing, baby. It’s all or nothing.” Bulong ko sa pintuan ng kwarto ng lalake.

I painstakingly grabbed the doorknob handle and clicked it open. My heart was in my throat as I slowly…slowly pushed the door. It was dark, as expected. Kinapa ko ang switch ng ilaw sa gilid ng wall. Lumiwanag ang buong kwarto nito.

I took my time to roam my eyes around the four corners of his room. There’s nothing unusual maliban na lamang sa mga boxes na nakahilera sa paanan ng kama, ay iilang papel sa na nakapatong sa nightstand. Tumama ang mata ko sa kama. Even the bed itself looked like it hasn’t been touched for ages.

Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama at kinuha ang mga papel sa side table. It’s not just any other paper. It’s a medical record. Alejandro’s medical record.

Binuksan ko iyon and my eyes automatically scanned the first page.

“Biopsy report?” My brows smashed together. Did he undergo another operation? Parang tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko habang binabasa ko iyon. I looked at the date. The result was out on May 24th. That was the day Alejandro had a birthday party. The day I was kidnapped.

Nanginig ang kamay ko habang binabasa ang resulta. Naninikip ang dibdib ko. My palm instantly flew to my mouth. “Osteosarcoma? Alejandro was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, a bone cancer that was found on his knee!”

 He found out he had a cancer on the day of our birthday!

 I rubbed my chest because it was too difficult to breathe. My eyes started to burn, and tears rolled down my cheeks. Why didn’t he tell me about it that day? Was he that good of an actor that I even failed to notice what he was going through that day?

My god. A bone cancer. How did he take this kind of news?

I flipped another page. He was scheduled for operation two weeks after the result came out. His operation was a success but the chance he could walk again was almost zero. It was almost impossible, but he continued rehabilitating. And then two months after that, he was confined in the hospital because he overdosed himself. He was later on diagnosed with Depression. Another record shows that he attempted another suicide! This time, he cut his wrist. And it didn’t happen just once but multiple times during the first two years since he left me!

The marks on his wrist! Those are not just simple scars!

Nabitiwan ko ang file at nalaglag iyon sa sahig. I buried my face on my hands and cried hard. I couldn’t take it. “What happened to you, Alejandro?”

Tumingala ako at pinuno ng hangin ang aking dibdib. All those years, I thought he was doing okay with his physical therapy. I thought he was having the best of time of his life. But the truth was, he spent those years with extreme pain and sufferings. I felt worse because in all those years, I thought the worst of him. I crucified, cursed, detested, and loathed him to death.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman but one thing is certain, I don’t pity him. Never. But God, how I wish I were there to hold his hands, whisper sweet nothings to him, tell him that I’d always be there for him no matter what.

The door swung open. Alejandro’s figure entered, his shoulders slumped, and looked absolutely broken.

“Why are you here?” I asked quietly, my voice almost a whisper.

“Hindi ako mapalagay sa baba. Hindi ako mapanatag. I decided to come up here and explain to you what happened to me all these years.” Puno ng insekyuridad ang boses nito.

Nagpahid ako ng luha at tumango sa kanya. “Sit over there.” Tinuro ko ang single chair malapit sa pinto. I can’t afford to be near him dahil baka wala akong gagawin kundi ang yakapin lamang ito ng mahigpit.

Agad na tumango ito at tumalima. He gingerly sat in the chair. He leaned forward. His elbows were propped on his knees, hands clasping together.

The deafening silence between us was unsettling. Alejandro’s gaze lingered on me, waiting for me to speak.

Nag-alis ako ng bara sa lalamunan. “Tell me what happened on the day of our birthday, Ale. Tell me your side of the story and please….” I shut my eyes momentarily. “No lies, this time. Tell me everything. I deserve to know the truth.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed down and up from swallowing. He ruffled his hair and took a deep breath.

“I was looking for you. Ang sabi mo hahanapin mo lang si Romano para makapag-paalam dahil ayoko nang bumalik pa sa party na iyon.” He started, looking at me intently.

“I remember that. I left you in the bathroom. When I opened the bedroom door, a masked man cornered me and shoved a piece of cloth against my nose and mouth. Agad na nawalan ako ng malay. I woke up the next day and...”  I swallowed. “You know what happened to me.”

“I was looking for you that time. Then I received a certain video message. I played it and that f*****g video made my blood boil that I smashed my phone against the wall. I first thought it was you. The dress and the necklace. Ivo played me well.” He grinded his teeth as he fixed his gaze on the floor.

Hindi ko siya masisisi kung iniisip niyang ako yun dahil kahit ako, nalinlang din.

“All hell broke loose. I stopped that stupid party my mother threw for me. I shouted at everyone and told them to search for you. I was in panic. My mind was reeling, spiraling. Dark clouds hovered above me, Bea. I blamed myself for what was happening to you. I got angry at myself for being useless. Then Jayden appeared out of nowhere. He said he came straight from Manila. He was not supposed to be on that night, but he said he needed to tell me something very important. Sabi ko, kung anuman iyon ay hindi iyon mahalaga. What was important to me that time was to find you, baby.” He sighed and hung his head low. “I could still remember the kind of look Jayden gave me. I got pissed at him, you know. Then he told me the news.” He flicked his eyes on me. “I had cancer.” His lips curled up bitterly. “I underwent biopsy the last time I went to Manila for check-up. My doctors found a tumor on my knee, but I told them it’s not serious, but as it turned out, it was. He said that I needed an immediate operation or else, I might become worse. Do you know what I felt that time, Bea?”

Humikbi ako at umiling. I made a fist against the softness of the mattress.

“Nung nalaman kong nawawala ka at nanganganib ang buhay mo, para akong malalagutan ng hininga ng mga oras na iyon. At akala ko’y wala nang mas mailalala pa ang sitwasyon but Jayden dropped another bomb in my face. It was a double-kill moment.  The worst day of my life. Pero ang sabi ko sa kanya, I don’t care if I was dying. All I ever wanted was to see you and wrapped you in my arms, baby. I know I will be fine because, you know, you’re my miracle. Lahat ng sakit at hirap, alam kong balewala ang mga yan kapag kasama kita.”

I choked a sob. “Then why did you choose to leave me. Akala ko ba magiging okay ka kapag kasama mo ako. Pero bakit pinili mong saktan at iwan ako, Alejandro? I should have been there at your side, giving you all my love until I have nothing left to give.”

“That’s exactly why I chose to walk away, Bea. You are selfless. You tend to give your all to the people you love the most. You were just nineteen then. Full of life, full of dreams. You’re bubbly. You laugh at the silliest things. You cry over a corny romance movie. But when you fell in love with me, you were slowly changing. I became your world. You kept on worrying about me. You’re even willing to quit your jobs just to attend my needs. I caged you into my world. And what I gave you in return was danger. Napahamak ang buhay mo nang dahil sa akin. I negotiated with Ivo through Adrielle. When the police found your location, I decided to end what we had. It needed to stop.”

“You don’t get to decide for my life, Alejandro!”

“I was dying, Bea! I can’t let you die with me!” His veins popping out on his neck.

“I died, nonetheless!” I yelled back. “You killed me the moment you turned your back on me.”

“But look at you now. You became fiercer. Stronger than ever, Bea. You were able to get on your feet just like what I wanted you to be. You continued living. You continued loving the people who cared for you. And they have loved you in return. If I didn’t walk away, you would have given up your happiness just to be in my darkness. I don’t want that to happen.  If you stayed by my side, you would have suffered with me. There was no assurance that I’d survived. All I could give you would be days full of sadness, and I hate to see the sadness in your eyes, baby.” He breathed. He stood up and walked slowly towards me.

Tumapat ito sa akin and went down on his bended knees. He held my hands with his. “You made me strong, but I became your weakness. You gave me freedom, but you let yourself caged by me. You lifted me up, but my weakness pushed you down. You made me a warrior, but the truth was, you could have died in the battlefield if our relationship continued, Bea.”

He sighed. “I decided to walk away to figure a way out of my own. I wanted to lean on myself than to lean on you. I can’t depend on you all the time, Bea. The more I stick with you, the more your life would be in danger. You’re not safe in my world because I wasn’t strong enough, physically, mentally. Christ, I couldn’t even lift my leg to kick the asshole! I was that useless, Bea. And I can’t let you love a man who is not capable of protecting you in any way possible. I can’t be selfish with you.”

“That’s why you left?”

He shook his head, kissing my hand while his tears welling from his eyes. “Leaving you was my way of protecting you at any cost. It was my way of giving you back your freedom. But the price I had to pay was to get my heart broken. But believe me, baby. The worst day of my life was when I had to walk away from you.” He buried his face on my lap, shoulders shaking from sobbing.

Suminghap ako habang marahang sinusuklay ang kanyang buhok gamit ang aking mga daliri. The great Alejandro Salvatore fell apart right before me.

“Ale, you survived.”

“And you survived too.” There was a hint of proudness in his voice.

Tumingala ito sa akin. I gave him a tiny smile as I wiped his tears away. He looked like a child in my eyes. “After I left, I was ready to die. I told my doctors that they’re free to do whatever they want to do on my body. I don’t care anymore. There’s no sense of living since you’re not by my side. On the operating table, before anesthesia took effect, all I think of was you. Your smiling face, your giggles, the way you roll your eyes at me, the way you blush when I whisper how much I love you. I kept those images of you in my heart. I wasn’t scared of dying Bea. But I was scared that my memories of you would fade away.”

Tumango ako, paunti-unti nang naiintindihan ang gusto nitong ipaunawa sa akin. “Tell me about your depression.”

He screwed his face. and I could sense him being uncomfortable.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to tell me about it.”

Umiling lang ito. He stood up only to sit down beside me. Tumingala ito sandali pagkatapos ay lumingon sa akin. “The first two years were pure darkness. Those were the darkest days of my life.  A lot worse from what I experienced after the accident. I never felt so alone. My rehabilitation and therapy sessions were like a failure because there was no improvement. I still couldn’t move a toe even after a few months of excruciating pain. I was not alright, Bea. And I wouldn’t be for a long time. Pain, struggles, helplessness, hopelessness overtook my system and swallowed me whole. My mind was full of heavy thoughts and those thoughts came with suicide. I wanted to end my life because I got tired from all of it.”

My body trembled. My damn tears kept flowing. I moved in closer to him, to the point that I was sitting on his lap. I buried my face on his neck, breathing him in. I hugged and clung to him as if my body was molded solely for him.

Alejandro leaned forward to kiss my forehead. It doesn’t help that he’s crying as well. I can’t take it. I wanted him to stop talking but I knew this was the way for him to be totally freed from all those years of struggles.

“Do you still want me to continue, baby?” He asked so softly.

I nodded and kissed his chin. “Yes, please.”

“Nakadagdag sa alalahanin ko ang negosyo at ang problema ng pamilya. My family didn’t know about my depression. I told Karina, my psychiatrist, not to tell anyone.”

My eyes narrowed with confusion. “Family problem?”

Tumango ito. “It’s a long story but to cut it short, our parents f****d up everything. It almost cost Romano his life and I had to be there to take care of my little brother. I put on a mask, appeared smart and strong just like exactly what they expected from me. A year after, when I just couldn’t take it anymore, I flew back here in the Philippines to find you.”

I gasped. “To find me?”

“I did find you though. But I saw you with him. You looked so happy, radiating with so much love for one another. He kissed you, you kissed him back. And I just stayed at the dark corner, my world crumbling apart. I knew I had let you go because I wanted you to be happy without me. But…it still hurts like hell.”

“I have never loved anyone but you, Ale. I did try but it’s impossible.”

“I know now, baby.” He kissed my cheek.

“Did you hurt yourself months ago?” I traced the newest scar on his wrist.

“I’m sorry. I promise you it’s the last time I’d self-harm. I was being weak again. Self-pitying and all. Scared of not getting through you.”

“Are you okay, now?”

He nodded. He was determined this time. “Sorry if it took me years to finally find the courage to face you. I wanted to be whole first before I’d come back to your life. The only purpose why I kept going was because I wanted to kneel in front of you and ask for your forgiveness. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“It doesn’t matter now, Ale. Ang mahalaga ay nandito ka na ulit. I’m so proud of you. The devil worked hard, but you worked harder.” I smiled. I pressed my forehead against his. “Thank you for being strong. Thank you for surviving. Thank you for coming back to me, Alejandro Salvatore.”

“All thanks to you.”

“To me? Give the credit to yourself, Ale.”

“No. It’s really because of you. Those are my proofs.” He pointed the large boxes using his lips.

“What’s inside those boxes?” Nagtatakang tanong ko sa kanya.

“Take a look.”

Pinilig ko ang aking ulo at tumayo. Lumapit ako doon sa mga kahon at binuksan ang pinakamalapit sa akin.

“Letters?”

“My letters. My words. My way of communicating you. My way of speaking to you for all these years. It has become a habit, a routine. It keeps my head clear. Karina told me to continue doing it because it keeps me on track.”

“These letters are for me? You write me letters for the past five years?” Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko. All these big boxes are full of letters of him for me!

Tumango si Alejandro as he approached the door. “When your done here, and if you’d still want me in your life, if you’re ready to forgive me for everything, you know where to find me.”

I bowed my head, biting my lip to keep myself from bawling like a baby.

“Before I forget, you might as well also check your bedroom. I also have something for you there.” He said before giving me one last glance. He opened the door and left.

I sat on the floor, my heart pounding against my chest as I took one letter and opened it. The date was few months after he left me.

Dear Bea,

I woke up with a heavy heart. I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt of the day I left you. You were crying so hard. But baby, did you know I cried harder that I passed out after that? Please be strong for me. I love you.

Yours,

 Ale

Kahit nanlalabo na ang aking mata dahil sa mga luha, hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling magbukas ng iba pang sulat niya. He wrote this last year, basing on the date.

Dear Bea,

I missed you. I wanted to call you. Hear your sweet voice. But I don’t know your number and I worry you’d only be pissed of me. By the way, I passed by a store where they sell good instruments. I saw a guitar and it reminded me of you. I ended up buying it.

Yours,

Ale

I opened another letter…

Dear Bea,

                Good news! I was able to stand on my feet for the first time! I was so happy! Finally, all the hard works paid off! I wish you witnessed it though. It was all for you, after all. I’m missing you, baby. Always and forever.

Yours,

Ale

                And another one…..

Dear Bea,

                I’m sorry. I’ve completely lost mind last night. I’ve lost my ability to think straight. My mind was moving a million miles per hour and I let the darkness consumed me once again. Doctors said they might cut my leg. f**k doctors! They only have one job to do but can’t do it well. I cut my wrist instead.

Yours forever,

Ale

                Nanghihinang napasandal ako sa paanan ng kama. If I continued reading these letters, pakiramdam ko’y malulunod ako sa sarili kong mga luha. I decided to return the letters and closed the boxes. These are my letters. Alejandro is giving them to me.  I will come back and read them once again. For now, I want to set the records straight with Alejandro. Why would he think I’d run away after learning all his truth? He just made me want to stick with him for more. More than ever

Dumaan ako sa aking kwarto. He said he has something for me there. Binuksan ko ang pinto at agad na nalaglag ang panga ko.

Plenty of guitars hanging all over the wall! Ang iba ay maayos na nakatayo sa gilid. But my eyes landed on that specific guitar that was laid on my bed. It was the guitar he gave me before. Another tear rolled down my cheeks. s**t. Sa kabila ng ilang taong paghihiwalay namin, he kept on thinking about me as I was about him.

I wanted to end our sufferings. I wanted to end it now.

Nagmadali ako sa pagbaba. I was half-running towards the long hallway. Tumigil ako sa pintuan ng kwarto ni Alejandro. My heart told me he’s here. Hindi ako nagdalawang isip sa pagbukas niyon at agad na pumasok ako.

Lagaslas ng tubig ang maririnig ko mula dito sa kinatatayuan ko. I stripped my clothes off as I made way to the bathroom. Umusal ako ng panalangin na sana bukas iyon. I was totally naked when I entered the bathroom.

I found him sitting at the corner, curling himself into a ball while warm water cascading his naked body.

My poor boy.

He didn’t notice me because his face was planted on his knees. I entered the shower and kneeled in front of him.

I brushed his hair up, making him look up to me.

“Hi.” I spoke.

His eyes roamed around my face. Tila hindi ito makapaniwala na nasa harap niya ako. His eyes raked my naked body and it only took seconds before I saw the fire lit up in those gray eyes of his.

“Hello.” There was a smirk on his lips. “Are you sure about this?”

“As sure as I am kneeling in front of you now, Ale. We suffered too much. Let’s end our sufferings together.”

“How?”

“By starting all over again.”

He lifted his hand and traced my trembling lips with his thumb. “The idea of losing you all over again is too much for me, Bea. I promise you; I’ll be stronger, braver, love you harder and stay with you come what may. I will never leave your side again. You’re the best thing that ever happened in my life.” Inilapit nito ang mukha at ginawaran ako ng magaan na halik. Sobrang gaan na parang hindi ito matatawag na halik. But I remained still, giving him all the time in the world.

My lips brushed against his. “You fought well, Ale.” Kinuha ko ang kanyang kamay at nilapit sa aking labi. I kissed his marks. “Your wounded heart, your dark thoughts, these battle scars…they’re all mine, Ale. Everything about you is mine. And I love every single one of them because they are a part of you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Ale made a gasp and trembled with my touch. “I love you, Bea.”

“Show me. Show me how much you love me, Salvatore.” I moaned against his lips. Desperation was obvious in my voice. I pulled his hand and placed it on my chest.

Alejandro darted his tongue as it made a trail along my jaw. He gently bit my earlobe. He whispered with a rasp. “You won’t be able to walk tomorrow. That’s a promise, Samaniego.”

Shivers went down my spine. Who said I’d be walking tomorrow?