Love Just Ain't Enough (BOOK TWO)

FIVE: PAIN

Sabado night.

Jampacked ang ClubMix bar. Alas siyete pa lang ay nandito na ako.

“Omg!” Tili ni Claire habang papasok sa laundry room. Kasalukuyan akong nagbibihis ng aking waitress uniform.

Agad na umikot ang mata ko. Alam ko naman na kung bakit parang uod na naman ito na binudburan ng asin. Saturday means fangirling mode is on.

Habang papasok ako kanina ay namataan ko na kaagad ang grupo ng mga kaibigan ni Sir James. Kasama ng mga ito ang kani-kanilang partner.

“Claire, alam kong libre ang mangarap pero pwede bang mangarap ka naman ng isang bagay na kahit one percent man lang ay may posibilidad na makamtam mo ito? Kasi kung sila lang din naman ang aasamin mo, parang ngayon pa lang, gusto ko nang ipagtirik ng kandila ang duguan mong puso.” Ani ko habang tinutupi ang damit ko at maingat na nilagay sa loob ng locker. Humarap ako kay Claire at sumandal sa pinto ng locker.

“Ang hard mo sa akin, ate Bea.” Lumabi ito at kinuha ang kanyang uniform na nakahanger sa sariling locker.

Isang bagay na gustong gusto ko dito sa ClubMix bar ay naka-laundry ang aming mga uniporme. Each of us has three sets of uniform kaya mukhang bago at malinis kami tignan. Laging mabango at komportable ang aming pakiramdam tuwing gabi.

“May mga asawa na ang iba sa kanila at ang iba naman ay may nobya. Nakita mo mga mukha ng mga babaeng yun? Jusko, wala tayong panama sa mga yun.”

“Ikaw meron. Ako wala talaga.” Umakto itong tila maiiyak. “Buti di ka pinatos ni Sir James, ate.”

I side-eyed her. Hmmm. He actually made an indecent proposal to me. Tuwing naalala ko ay natatawa na lang ako, lalo na’t medyo malapit na kami ngayon. He’s close to everyone. He treats us with respect at parang kamag-anak na rin ang turing niya sa amin. Hindi iilang beses na nagpapahiram ito ng pera sa tuwing kinakapos ako. Ang totoo, pinaka the best na boss si Sir James. Bukod sa mabait ito ay lagi nitong iniisip ang kapanan ng kanyang mga empleyado. If there’s one thing that I don’t like about him, it’s that he’s such a Casanova. Parang nagpapalit lang ng damit kung magpalit ito ng babae.

When I first came to his office years ago, I could still remember how he looked at me. His eyes were full of appreciation and lust. Sir James didn’t beat around the bush and asked me directly if I would like to spend the night with him. He gave me options. If I chose to have a physical relationship with him, then there’s no chance I could work here. He doesn’t mix business with pleasure. Pero hindi ako desperada at lalong hindi ako naghahanap ng lalake para lang punan ang kahungkagan sa puso ko sa ginawa ni Alejandro. He’s charming alright, but I had been immune with the likes of him. They are all a bunch of wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Trabaho ang pinunta ko dito sa Davao at yun ang pinaka-kailangan ko. I have mouths to feed. Playing fire with someone else isn’t my cup of tea. At isa pa, kung lalake lang din naman ang kailangan ko, there’s Tyler.

Malayo man ito sa mga katulad ni Alejandro at Sir James, I’d much prefer to spend time with him.

                For Tyler, hurting me will never be his option.  For him, my happiness is his utmost priority. He treasures me like I am his most valued possession.

For him, I am his world.

                With that being said, I want to be fair to him. Falling in love with him is not a difficult thing to do. Kamahal-mahal ito. I’m happy when I am with him. Kasama kami ng pamilya ko sa future na gusto niyang buuin.

                He’s very selfless and too pure. Ang totoo, hindi niya deserve ang isang tulad ko just like how I don’t deserve someone like him. I didn’t mean to depend on him, but during those dark days, he was my only shoulder to cry on. He left Palawan para sundan ako dito sa Davao. He was that persistent and dedicated.

                He decided to work abroad dahil mas mapapabilis ang pag-iipon niya para sa pangarap niya sa amin.

                The truth is, wala akong pinangako sa kanya maliban sa handa akong sumubok magmahal ulit sa katauhan niya.

                They said, in order for someone to get over from heartache and to move on from her past love, she has to replace it with a new love. I have yet to prove if it’s true or not.

                Ang tanong ko na lang sa sarili ko ay handa na ba ako sa bagong pag-ibig? Kung handa na ba ang puso kong magmahal ng iba.

                I sighed. Alejandro’s pained expression crossed my mind. Bakit ganun? Bakit may parte sa puso kong gustong magpaliwanag sa kanya? Bakit ang bigat sa dibdib na makita itong nasasaktan? Hindi ba dapat ay matuwa ako dahil nakakaganti na ako sa kanya? Pero bakit ako ang tila nahihirapan.

                Our story had ended a long time ago. It was him who closed the book, locked it and threw the key to the deep vast ocean.

                Hindi ko alam bakit bumabalik ulit ito sa buhay ko gayung siya itong tumapos ng lahat sa amin.

                Bumuga ako sa hangin. I need to guard my heart this time around. I will not let my silly heart of mine rule over my mind.

                “Ate, hindi ka na kumibo diyan.”

                I was pulled from my trance when Claire waved her palm in front of my face. Kumurap ako.

                “Huh? May naisip lang. Tapos ka na ba? Lumabas na tayo at baka hinahanap na tayo ni Sir James.”

                “Hindi ko nakita ang sasakyan niya sa carpark, ate. Wala pa tiyak yun. Tsaka ilang gabi yung wala dito. Baka hindi yun papasok ngayon. Ano kaya ang pinagkakaabalahan ng amo natin?”

                What a question. “Girls.”

                She shrugged her shoulders. “Bakit pa siya lalayo e andito naman tayo.”

                My nose flared when she said that. Hinuli ko ang kanyang tainga at piningot iyon. “Gaga. You know his rules. He doesn’t f**k his employees, oy.”

                “Sabi ko nga. Baka lang naman may chance.” She grinned.

                “Ang landi-landi mo talaga, Claire. Magtapos ka muna ng pag-aaral, ineng.”

                ‘Sinusura lang kita, ate.” Tawa nito.

                “Ewan ko sa’yo.”

                She hooked her arm with mine. “Ikaw mag make-up sa akin ate, tinatamad ako.” ngumisi ito at ngumuso lang ako. She knows I love to doll her up.

                Pumasok kami sa EMPLOYEE’S ROOM para dito magpaganda since karamihan sa mga gamit namin katulad ng sapatos at sandals ay dito nakatabi. Ginagawa din naming tambayan ang silid if we sometimes need a break.

                Nakagayak na rin sila Johnson at ang dalawa pang waitress at nakaupo na lamang sa couch habang busy sa kani-kanilang cellphones.

                Nag-susuot ako ng pumps ko nang bumukas ang pinto. Sir James and a girl who seemed lost went inside. His stoic face gave me goosebumps. The man is pissed and annoyed about something.

                “Good evening, Sir.” Bati naming lahat sa kanya.

                He nodded at us. “I would like you to meet Agnes. She’ll be working here from now on.”

                Laglag ang panga ng babae nang marinig ang sinabi ni Sir James. He tilted his head to the girl and smirked. I smiled secretly. This is interesting.

                I made a move and went near her. “Hi, Agnes.”

                She smiled shyly. Her eyes are cute. “Hello.”

                “Sir, kaano-ano mo siya?”

                I wanted to glare at Johnson. Seriously? Why are boys so dumb and dense! Nagsusumigaw na nga ang sagot sa kanyang harap, itatanong pa ba? Of course, this woman is his special someone. Halata naman sa paraan ng tingin nito sa babae.

                Pinahiram ko ng uniform si Agnes at pumps. Halatang hindi ito prepare sa pinasok na trabaho. What game is Sir James’s playing? This is not the right way to get into her heart. While the girl is nervous, she’s also pissed at him! Napapailing na lamang ako.

                Naging busy kami sa sumunod na mga sandali. Dahil Sabado, puno rin ang second floor. Nakatoka kaming dalawa ni Claire dito. Yumuko ako para suyurin ng tingin ang buong first floor and saw Agnes approaching the VIP lounge kung saan nakaupo ang mga kaibigan ni Sir James.

                The great gentlemen of Davao. Rich and powerful. Intimidating and cold. But looking at them being soft with the love of their lives, I cannot help but to feel…envious.

                The girls probably went through hell and back when they chose to love them. At hindi rin siguro naging madali sa mga lalake. I’m so sure they fought hard. They fought for each other. They fought together.     

                The men looked at their women with eyes full of love and respect. They are whipped for them. They worship the ground they walk on. And I’m sure they are willing to kill and die for them.

                Bumuntong-hininga ako at piniling sumandal sa railing. Kupkop sa aking dibdib ang tray. Well, kahit naman hindi naging happy ending ang love story namin ni Alejandro, naging masaya naman ako sa piling niya. Kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataon na baguhin ang nakaraan, I will not change even a single moment. Dahil noong mga panahong yun, doon ako pinakamasaya. I was the happiest girl in the world when I was with him. Kailan ko kaya ulit mararamamdam ang ang ganung klaseng kaligayahan?

                It was past ten o’clock in the evening. Hindi ko na mamataan ang grupo ni Sir James. Pati si Agnes ay hindi ko rin makita. Kanina ay nagtanong pa ito sa akin kung nasaan ang grupo  ni Sir James at pagkatapos nun ay hindi na ito bumalik.

                “Nakita mo saan si Agnes?” tanong ko kay Johnson.

                “Umalis na siguro. Nanigarilyo ako sa back door, wala na dun ang maga sasakyan nila Sir.”

                Tumango ako. Nakakapagtaka at hindi ata sila nagtagal. Madalas ay bago mag alas dose sila magsisilaisan. Minsan nga ay pinapakanta pa nila si Jack during jam sessions. Mula kasi alas onse hanggang ala una ang jam sessions ng banda.

                Speaking of band, Brix is now approaching me. He’s the lead vocalist and guitarist of the band. For tonight’s gig, they were scheduled to play a set of five songs before their first break.

                “Hi, crush.” He grinned at me at tumabi sa aking kinatatayuan. “Ang ganda mo.”

                I almost rolled my eyes but decided to grin at him. Let me play a long since it’s almost my breaktime, anyway. “Hello, Brix. Kumusta?”

He’s been hitting me since the time I could remember. Mas bata ito sa akin ng isang taon.  At mula nang natanggap sila dito sa bar para tumugtog tuwing weekends isang taon na rin ang nakakalipas ay nagpakita na agad ito ng interes sa akin.

“Ito gwapo pa rin at miss na miss ka.” He winked at me as he draped his arm on my shoulder. His naughty hand gliding along my upper arm.

He’s like that. An outrageous flirt. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na gwapo si Brixton. Matikas at matangkad. Bumakat sa kanyang maskuladong katawan ang Metallica T-shirt nito at sumilip ang mga tattoo nito sa biceps. Malakas ang appeal ng lalake at talaga namang may talento sa pagkanta. Men who know how to sing and play instruments are one of my weaknesses. Nag-uumapaw sa talent. You can’t help but to appreciate the likes of him.

“Miss talaga? It’s not too long ago since I’ve seen you dry-humping some random girl at the back door.” I snickered. That was last weekend. Pauwi na ako noon.

“Ah.” Napakamot ito sa ulo. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

“Isusumbong ko na ba ang insidenteng iyon kay Sir James? You know how much he hates it. If you want to get laid, wag dito sa vicinity ng ClubMix.” Ani ko.

“O di kaya, gawin n’yo sa madilim na parte na hindi mapapansin ng mga tao.” Singit ni Johnson.

Umirap ako. “Ang lakas makatalino ng sagot mo, Johnson. Gusto mo gawin kitang polbo? Isa ka pa, e. Kapag bawal, bawal talaga. Wag nang ipilit.”

Umusog si Brix at niyakap ako mula sa tagiliran. He leaned down and whispered above my ear. “Sorry na, baby. I’ll be faithful to you from now on.” He licked my earlobe at napaigtad ako sa kanyang ginawa.

I nudged him by the elbow, pissed at his overtures.

“Brix, you’re being touch—”

Ganun na lang ang singhap ko nang bigla na lang tumambad sa harapan ko ang galit na si Alejandro at agad inundayan ng suntok si Brix na hindi agad nakailag.

Bumagsak sa sementadong sahig si Brix na sapo ang mukha.

“Ale! What the hell was that?!” Hinila ko ito sa braso dahil balak pang atakihin ang lalakeng napaupo sa sahig.

“He. Touched. You.” He gritted his teeth as his eyes darkening.

Umiling ako. “You have to go. Please leave, Ale.”

Dumaan ang sakit sa kanyang mga mata. He didn’t get it. Mas lalala ang sitwasyon kapag hindi pa ito umalis. Bumaling ako kay Brix na nakatayo na ngayon. He’s wiping the blood dripping from his nose. Nagmura ito.

Umamba itong susuntukin si Alejandro. No! Mas bata at higit na malakas si Brix. Kahit alam kong may laban si Alejandro sa kanya, nagdaan ang huli sa maraming pagsubok. Hindi ako makakapayag na masaktan o masugatan na naman ito. I moved fast, jumping in front of Ale to stop Brix from his assault. Alam kong hindi itutuloy ni Brix ang plano niyang suntok dahil pumagitna ako. But the man had lost his composure and patience and it was too late to stop him throwing a punch.

The good thing was, he didn’t hit Alejandro. He hit me on the chest instead. The force of impact when Brix hit me made me breathless. It felt like someone had put a vacuum in my lungs and sucked the oxygen from there.

I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air, but it didn’t work.

“Bea!”

Alejandro yelled and caught me in his arms. My knees buckled up and I found myself lying on the floor. Half of my body was hugged by him.

“Baby. Please breathe for me. Paki-usap.” Pagsusumamo nito.

I was still wide awake and very much aware of what was happening around me. I heard Johnson calling Brix names from hell. I heard Brix telling me how sorry he was, and he didn’t mean to hurt me. But they all didn’t matter. My eyes glued at Alejandro. The terror and shock in his face as he looked down on me was familiar. When did I see it? Oh. That day. The day when I was kidnapped.

He was afraid then. He is scared now.

Suddenly, the air that was left came back and I filled my lungs as I continued gasping.

“Baby.” His voice shook. His body trembled. He bent down and kissed me on my forehead. My hold on his arm tightened. I was scared he would let me go this time. I don’t want him to let go of me just like what he did years ago.

I grabbed a handful of his shirt. Tinanaw nito ang kamay ko. He placed his hand over mine, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.” He said with conviction.

“Bea, okay ka lang?” Si Johnson na lumuhod sa kabilag side ko. “Mainam pa siguro kung umuwi ka na lang muna at magpahinga. Ako na ang bahala dito at ako na rin ang magpapaliwanag kay Sir James.” Nilingon nito si Claire na puno ng pag-aalala ang mukhang nakatanaw sa amin. “Pakikuha mo ang gamit ni Bea.” Tumango ang babae at agad na umalis.

“Ikukuha kita ng ta—”

“Ako ang maghahatid sa kanya.” Alejandro spoke in a tight lip.

Matalim ang tinging ipinukol ni Johnson sa lalake. “Magkaibigan ba kayo? Mapagkakatiwalaan ka ba?”

“Johnson.” Singit ko. “It’s okay. I know him.”

Tumango ito kahit bakas ang pag-aalinlangan sa mukha. Inalalayan akong tumayo ni Ale. Ramdam ko pa rin ang sakit ng suntok ni Brix sa pagitan ng aking dibdib.

He was about to carry me pero umiling ako. I’m worried about his knees. “Kaya kong maglakad, Ale.” Isa pa, nakakahiya sa mga taong pasimpleng nakikiusyuso.

Nang bumalik si Claire ay dala na nito ang sling bag ko at paper bag na laman ay ang pinagbihisan ko kaninang pagdating ko. “Salamat, Claire.” Tipid kong sabi sa kanya.

“You’re welcome, ate. Okay ka lang ba talaga?”

Tumango ako at ngumiti sa kanya. “Okay lang ako. Pakisabi kay Brix, hindi ako galit sa kanya. Alam kong hindi niya sadyang suntukin ako. Wag niya kamo akong alalahanin.”

“Makakarating, ate.” Pasimple nitong ininguso si Alejandro na ang mga mata ay nakatanaw lamang sa akin. May panunukso sa mga mata ng dalaga. I shook my head momentarily.

Kinuha ni Ale ang paper bag mula sa kamay ko. Hindi na ako pumalag pa. Nakayakap ito sa akin habang inaakay ako nito palabas sa bar. Gusto ko sanang magreklamo dahil sobrang lapit at higpit ng yakap niya pero minabuti ko na lamang na hindi umimik. Kung ito ang ikakapanatag ng damdamin niya, hahayaan ko ito.

Pinagbukas niya ako ng pinto. Pumasok ako sa loob. Pinagmasdan ko si Ale. He sighed heavily before he got into the driver’s seat.

Pareho kaming hindi umimik habang nagmamaneho ito. Siguro ay mahaba na ang bente minutos na biyahe mula sa ClubMix patungo sa apartment.

“It’s too quiet. Can we play music?” Basag ko sa katahimikan.

“Go ahead.”

I turned the power on of his built-in stereo.

“Sabi ko na nga ba

Dapat no'ng una pa lamang

'Di na umasa

Di naniwala

Hindi tayo pwede

Pinagtagpo pero 'di tinadhana

Hindi na posible

Ang mga puso'y huwag nating pahirapan

Suko na sa laban

Hindi tayo pwede…”

Alejandro immediately turned off the stereo. “Stupid song.”

Binaling ko ang mukha sa bintana. Mabuti na lamang at madilim sa loob ng sasakyan kaya hindi nito makita ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Yeah, what a stupid song. Makikinig lang naman sana ang tao bakit kailangan manakit.

Sa loob ng ilang minutong biyahe na iyon, kumikibo lang ito tuwing nagtatanong ng direksiyon at sumasagot lang din ako sa mga tanong niya.

“Pakihinto diyan sa pangatlong gate.” Tinuro ko iyon. Sa gilid ng aking mata ay tumango ito.

Humimpil ang magara nitong sasakyan sa tapat ng aming gate. He turned off the engine. Ang tahimik ng buong paligid. All I could hear is my ragged breathing and the loud beating of my heart.

“Sigurado ka bang okay ka lang? We should have gone to the hospital first. Baka may fracture ka.”  He’s looking straight ahead instead of looking at me.

“I’m okay. The air just knocked out of my lungs because of the impact.  My breathing is fine now.”

“That sonofabitch. Babalikan ko yun.” Banta nito. “What were you doing, Bea? Bakit ka pumagitna? You f*****g scared me.” His grip to the steering wheel tightened.

“He’s about to hit you, Ale.” Ani ko at yumuko.

“What?! You did that to protect me?” Hindi makapaniwalang sambit nito. “You….” This time, he hit the steering wheel multiple times. Napapaigtad ako sa ginagawa nito. Sumiksik ako sa gilid. Pero ayokong magsinungaling sa kanya. It was really what I felt a while ago. I wanted to protect him. I guess I’ve always wanted.

Huminga ako ng malalim. I shifted in my seat paharap sa kanya. Ginagap ko ang kanyang palad at ikinulong sa akin. suminghap ito at lumamlam ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin.

“Gusto kong malaman mo na, congratulations. Nakakalakad ka na.” Pumatak ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. “From the bottom of my heart, I am truly proud of you, Alejandro. You’re back on your tracks. Sabi ko naman sa’yo noon, di ba? There’s always hope. At hindi ako nagkamali na umasa na makakalakad ka ulit. You’ve been through a lot, Ale. Hindi tiyak naging madali ang mga physical therapy na iyon. It took you years, right? Kaya sana umiwas ka sa gulo. Please do me a favor. Ito ang huling pabor na hihilingin ko sa’yo.” Humikbi ako. “Palagi mo sanang alagaan ang sarili mo.”

“You…” He helplessly leaned back at inuntog ang likod ng ulo sa sandalan. “I really don’t deserve you.” Mapait na sambit nito. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. It was never my intention to hurt you. I went through hell, Bea. Those years without you felt like I was living in hell. Pero lahat ng iyon ay nalampasan ko dahil nananalig ako na baka sa susunod nating pagkikita, baka pwede pa. Baka may tsansa pa.”

“Things are different now, Ale. Ayokong gawin kay Tyler ang ginawa mo sa akin. Hindi niya deserve iyon.” Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil ayokong makita ang paglatay ng sakit sa kanyang mukha. I let go of his hand, but he grabbed it back and held it tighter.

“Please…” Paki-usap nito. “Hold me just a little bit longer, baby.”

Tumango ako kahit panay ang pagragasa ng mga luha sa aking pisngi. Yumuko ito at niyakap ang manibela. Nakasandal ang kanyang noo doon. His shoulders were shaking at rinig ko ang kanyang mga hikbi. I looked at his hand intertwined in mine. They looked perfect and fit for each other.  Kung sana ay ganun din kaming dalawa.

I lifted my free hand and reached for his back stroking it affectionally, like I’m petting him. He continued sobbing quietly. I had never seen him cry like this. And this was also the first time since we fell apart, I cried like a river.

Ilang minuto pa ang pinalipas ko hanggang sa dahan-dahan kong kinalas ang aking kamay sa kanya. another sob escaped my throat. Sumasakit na ang aking lalamunan dahil sa pag-iyak. This time, he let me go. Nanatili ito sa kanyang posisyon.

Gusto kong magsalita pero natatakot akong baka mas lalo lang akong maiyak. I gave him one last glance bago ko binuksan ang pintuan ng sasakyan at umibis doon.

Pagpasok ko sa bahay ay nanghihinang napasandal ako sa pinto. Tears kept streaming down my face. Sumilip ako sa bintana at nanatili pa rin ito sa ganoong posisyon, yugyog ang mga balikat.

Loving Alejandro has taught me something. You can’t experience love without experiencing pain. The deeper the love is, the deeper the pain will be.

Alejandro and I cried not because our love ended, we cried because after everything, our love is still there even though it’s over.