The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 18- So Perfect

Aspen

I sit in the corner of the dreary, gray walled waiting room alone. I haven't spoken a word to anyone since Tristan left and I don't intend to anytime soon. They will all blame me, and they should.

I've fought off the urge to run about a thousand times since I got here. Running away is what I do; what I've always done. When things got hard, I ran. And if I couldn't run, I would do other things, things I'm not proud of.

I can't keep running though. I've done so much in the past few months that I can finally be proud of. I finished college, I made new friends, I've started facing my demons and coming to terms with who I am. I have Sessy to thank for most of that, so running is out of the question this time.

"Aspen?"

I look up and gasp when I see Sessy's grandmother coming toward me. She doesn't look angry or upset, but it doesn't stop the sudden panic constricting my lungs.

"I didn't even know you were here," she chuckles tiredly, dragging over and plopping down in the chair next to mine.

Sessy's accident seems to have taken a toll on grandma's already deteriorating health, which makes me feel even more guilty.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you," I reply.

"You are not a bother," she says, touching my arm. "You are just the sweetest boy and I'm so happy my Sessy has you in her life."

I smile halfheartedly.

"She's a strong girl. She'll get through this and come out even stronger on the other side. I'm not worried and you shouldn't be either," she says, squeezing my arm.

"I know," I sigh. "It's just..."

I can't tell her the truth. I'm afraid Sessy won't be the only one in this hospital tonight if I do.

She moves her hand from my arm and places it on my back; a simple gesture, but one that floods my body with relief.

"Sometimes, God allows things like this to happen to test us," she says after a while.

"Test us? That doesn't seem very fair."

She nods in agreement. "It's not fair in the earthly sense, but once you start to see his plan unfolding, the unfair things that happen turn out to be the things that build you up into the person you are meant to be. They put you on the right path in life."

I have never in my twenty three years of life believed in the existence of a God. I have my reasons, but I won't unload on her at a time like this. Instead, I just force a small smile.

"If she wouldn't have gotten hurt, you would've left and maybe never looked back," she continues, making my heart sink. "That's obviously not how things were supposed to turn out. You were meant to find her. You were meant to know her. It was all part of God's divine plan for your life."

I want to scoff at her choice of words, but I only nod. Whether I believe in God, the universe or Mickey Mouse, I do feel like I was meant to find Sessy. So maybe her accident was part of some kind of divine plan to bring me back here, to her.

I also can't help wondering how she knows I left. Did Sessy tell her that? Does she know that Sessy got hurt looking for me? At a place that I brought her to, that I thought no one else knew about?

"When my son, Sessy's father, died, I must've blamed myself for years. He was only twenty-five; so young and so much life left to live. Sessy was just a few months old at the time. I couldn't understand why God would take my only baby from me, and let Sessy grow up without either of her parents. Then my husband passed away when Sessy was ten. It was then that I realized Sessy had been in my life all that time for a reason. Because of her, I've never been alone. She filled that void in my life, that hole in my heart. We may not see the blue skies through the rain at the time, but someday those clouds will clear and you will understand why things had to happen the way they did."

I'm ready to dismiss what she said. I've lived a hard life, with no family and no one who loved me. I've never been able to make sense of it. I've never been able to find answers to the questions I've always asked myself. But what if everything that happened to me was meant to happen in order to prepare me for what lies ahead?

I know I never would've ended up in New Orleans, which means I never would've met Sessy.

"You're right. I just hope she's okay so I can tell her how much she means to me. I've never had anyone care about me the way she does. No one has ever understood me like she does. She's made such a huge difference in my life in only a couple of months," I say, smiling to myself at all the memories Sessy and I have together.

"She has a heart of gold. She's strong and selfless, always thinking of others first. That's why I know she's gonna be okay. She'll pull through this and be just fine. She has a purpose. And it looks like you two were meant to find each other," she says, patting my back.

"Mrs. Martin?" the tall, dark haired, very young looking doctor asks as he approaches us.

Grandma stands and I stand with her, taking her hand.

"Cecily made it through the surgery and we were able to repair her collapsed lung. She should make a full recovery," he says.

"Thank the Lord!" Grandma sighs in relief.

"As we talked about before, she will need physical therapy in order to rehabilitate the fractured pelvis. It may be a few weeks before she's in any shape to get around on her own," the doctor goes on. "She should be waking up soon, if you want to see her."

"Okay," grandma says, looking up at me. "Can her boyfriend come too?"

"Yes, of course," the doctor smiles.

We follow him down the hallway and into the room Sessy is recovering in. Grandma holds onto my arm and I gladly let her. I'm surprised she doesn't hate me after what I just put her and her granddaughter through, but even more surprised that she seems to like me even more.

I swallow hard as we walk into Sessy's room. When I see her, my heart squeezes in pain. She has a long, deep gash on the left side of her forehead that's been bandaged. There's cuts and bruises all over her arms.

My eyes fill with tears, but I try and fight them back. I have to be strong right now. I can cry later.

"Sessy?" Grandma says in a gentle voice, going over to Sessy's bedside.

Sessy's eyes slowly flutter open and she smiles tiredly. "Hey grandma."

"How are you feeling?" Grandma asks, taking Sessy's hand.

"Like a radio tower collapsed on me," she chuckles.

That's when she notices me. Her mouth parts open in surprise, but she doesn't say anything.

I start to panic, wondering if maybe she doesn't want me here. What if Tristan was right? What if she thinks I only came back because I feel guilty for what happened?

I do feel guilty and I do blame myself, but I didn't come back because of that. I came back because the thought of losing her forever crossed my mind and I realized I don't want that. I don't ever want to lose her.

"Hey," she finally says, breathlessly.

"Hey," I smile. "I'm so glad you're okay. Well, as okay as you can be."

"Grandma, can you give Aspen and I a minute alone?" she asks, making my heart beat wildly.

"Of course. I'll be right outside if you need me," grandma says, leaning over and gently kissing Sessy's forehead.

After she's gone, I wait for Sessy to tell me what she's got to say. Even if I'm terrified she's about to tell me she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

"Are you okay?" she asks, meeting my eyes.

I'm caught off guard at first, surprised she would ask me that when there's probably so many other things she wants to say to me.

I nod, hanging my head in shame. "I'm sorry I left like I did. I just...started to panic, I guess."

"Panic?"

I look up at her, letting a tear escape my eye and roll down my cheek. "I was being a coward. I was running away, like I always do."

"What were you running from?"

I hang my head again, unable to meet her eyes for another second. "You."

"I see."

When I look up at her again, my heart breaks at the sadness in her eyes. She looks away from me and wipes a tear on the back of her hand.

"Not because I wanted to. I just felt like...I was getting too attached. And you'll be leaving soon," I explain.

"It's fine," she smiles. "I understand. Although, I felt I deserved a little more of a goodbye."

"You deserved a lot more. I'll never be able to apologize enough. I'm the one who took you to that stupid tower. And I'm the one who told you it was safe. I had no idea...if I did..."

"It's okay, Aspen. Really. I shouldn't have climbed it alone. I just...really wanted to find you."

I start to choke up. I hardly ever cry, but right now, I feel overwhelmed with the urge.

"I've decided not to go to Baltimore," she says.

I look at her in surprise. Did she really just say what I think she said?

"I can't leave my grandmother in her condition. I won't. No matter what she has to say about it. So I won't be leaving after all. And I hope you don't either," she says, taking my hand. "You don't have to run from me, Aspen. Whatever is in your past, it doesn't define who you are now. And it won't make me see you any differently."

"How are you so perfect?" I smile through my tears, squeezing her hand.

"I don't know about perfect," she chuckles. "But...I care about you. A lot. I don't want you to leave me again."

"I won't," I reply, bring her hand to my lips and kissing it softly. "I promise, I won't."