The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 19- I Know

I am not looking forward to depending on other people to take care of me for the next few weeks. I've always been the one taking care of people. I'm a nurturer. It's what I do.

Not to mention, my grandma is not in any shape to be taking care of me. She should be resting and worrying about her own health, yet she hasn't left my side in days.

I'm grateful, of course. I'm grateful to everyone who has had a hand in helping me recover; Lizzy, who put off moving to New York for a couple of weeks so she could help care for me; Mr. Brewer, my boss, and Mary...

Sweet little Mary, who has been through more than any nineteen year old girl should have to go through, is helping to take care of me.

And then there's Aspen. He's the one who rounded up a rotation of sorts so I would have around the clock care, and my grandma would get the rest she needs.

I wish she'd take advantage of their help.

I've been laying in my old bed back at grandma's; a bed I haven't slept in for probably over two years now. I'm in constant pain, but it's dull and more annoying than anything. I only move when I have to- to go to the bathroom or when the physical therapist comes by and makes me.

Laying here with nothing to do but stare at these lavender walls has given me a lot of time to think. I've been thinking a lot about what happened and of course, the why behind it. Do I really feel like I was supposed to get crushed by a deteriorating radio tower? No. But do I think something had to happen in order for me to make up my mind about my immediate future? Yes.

I was debating my move to Baltimore ever since my grandmother was hospitalized a few weeks ago. I knew I couldn't leave her, but I didn't want to give up such a huge opportunity unless I absolutely had to. I was even considering moving her with me. She would've hated it there, so that never would've worked out. She was born and raised in Louisiana. If you've never been here before, then maybe you wouldn't understand why that's such a big deal. But if you have? Or especially if you come from the bayou? There's no other place like it in the world.

I've only told Aspen about my decision to stay here for now. I know when I share the news with grandma, she'll only insist that I go. Since it's not up for debate, I've seriously considered not telling her at all and just letting her figure it out when I'm still here in August.

I jump when there's a knock at my door. "Come in!" I call out quickly, excited to have some company.

I smile when Aspen comes in. He's been taking such good care of me, but I hope he's still taking care of himself too. From the looks of him though, it doesn't look like that's the case. His dirty blonde hair is disheveled, as if he's been pulling at it or running his fingers through it over and over. His eyes are tired and heavy.

"Hey there," I grin.

"Hey beautiful. How are you feeling?" he asks, coming over and sitting on my bed next to me.

"I'm better today. Just bored out of my mind."

"Yeah, I can imagine," he chuckles halfheartedly.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him.

He takes a while to answer, as if he's giving it some thought. "I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me."

He looks at me and furrows his brows.

"I know you're not fine. I can tell. What's going on? Did something happen?"

He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. "I'll be fine. Let's just worry about you for now."

While there's a hint of venom to his voice, I don't take it personally. Aspen and I still haven't had the chance to talk about how he just left like he did. I know he feels guilty for what happened to me, but I chose to climb that tower. I wanted to find him, even if he didn't want to be found.

"I've never had anyone in my life who truly cared about me...not the way you do. No one ever asked me how I was feeling. You ask me every time I see you. And I know you aren't doing it just to be nice. You truly want to know that I'm okay. Climbing that tower proves it," he says, pausing for a second. He looks over at me, his eyes meeting mine. "You're the only person who cares about me, and to be honest, you're the only person I care about. I never learned how to love someone the correct way. I never had an example to follow other than what I've seen on movies and TV. I didn't think I'd be enough for you. I didn't think...I could give you what you deserve. When you moved away to Baltimore, I knew you would forget about me..."

He looks away from me and chuckles to himself. "I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I just have so much to say to you and no idea how to say it."

I take his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. My intimate gesture seems to take him by surprise.

"You don't think I know all that?" I smile at him. "I'm studying to be a psychologist, and I plan to be a damn good one someday. I notice things most people don't. And I think about things differently. I understand why you felt you needed to run from me. But what I want you to understand is that I won't let you."

He looks stunned by my words. I can tell he has no idea what to say, so I continue.

"What happened to me wasn't your fault, so don't blame yourself for another second. I wanted to find you. I wanted to tell you to come back to me; where you belong."

He stares at me long after I'm done taking, his eyes full of unreadable emotions.

"Sessy..." he whispers in a daze, seemingly lost for words.

He crashes his lips into mine and kisses me with such intensity, it makes me weak and dizzy. I feel like I'm floating in the clouds, oblivious to the rest of the world.

He pulls away and presses his forehead to mine, breathing heavily. "You're my angel, Cecily."

I smile, closing my eyes and relishing in this moment.

"I promise, I will never leave you again. I will be right next to you, always. That is, if you want that. I know I've put you through a lot lately and I'm-"

"Of course I want that," I say without hesitation.

He looks at me in surprise, but then he smiles. There's a glimmer of happiness in his eyes that I don't think I've ever seen before. To know I'm the reason for it makes me feel like I could get up and dance all over this room, even with a broken pelvis.

"I don't really know how to be a boyfriend. I mean...I've never been in a relationship before..." he says nervously, squeezing my hand.

"It's okay, I haven't either. I've dated a few guys, but I never got serious with anyone," I tell him. "Actually, I'm still a virgin."

"Really? You are?" he asks as if he doesn't believe me.

I'm mildly offended, but I let it slide. Besides, I'm used to defending myself when it comes to this. "Yes, I am. I respect my body too much to give it away to just anyone. I mean, I don't judge people who do that kind of thing. Lizzy is my best friend and you know about her wild nights with Drake."

"Too well," he chuckles.

"I've had to deal with four years of that. Our walls are thin and our ceilings are high, so the moaning just bounces around and echoes throughout the apartment."

"So the whole street knows what they're up to," he laughs, and again, I see the happiness in his eyes.

"For me, I want to experience that with someone I love. I want it to be special and intimate and passionate and slow and..." I trail off when I notice he's smirking at me. "I sound like every female lead in a cheesy rom com right now."

"Yes, you do," he laughs, leaning back against the headboard and kicking his feet up on my bed. "But I want all that too."

"Really?" I smile bashfully.

"I'm also a virgin."

I look at him in shock. "No freaking way! I don't believe you!"

"I swear," he says, faking offense.

"But look at you! You're gorgeous! You're the most beautiful man I've ever laid my eyes on!"

"And that's all anyone has ever said about me. I'm good looking. Once they got to know me...they all ran. Especially lately. Before I came here, I had a few fiends back in Texas. I was about as close with them as I am with Drake. They partied with me, we hung out a few times, but they didn't know me. Until...what happened last year, they had no idea who I really was. When they found out, they abandoned me. I haven't spoken a word to any of them since."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, my heart breaking for him.

"Don't be," he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his arms. "If any of them had turned out to be good friends, I probably would've stayed in Texas instead of coming here."

"Well, I'm glad you came here," I say, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Me too," he sighs contently. "You know, I can remember the first time I met you. You probably thought I was stupid back then, huh?"

I smile as I think back to that day. It wasn't all that long ago, but now, it feels like Aspen has always been a part of my life.

"I didn't think you were stupid, just blind."

"That's exactly what you said to me," he smirks.

"Trust me, I wasn't thinking about anything other than how bad my hair looked," I chuckle.

"Your hair was adorable! It's one of the things I love most about you!"

"Really? It is?" I ask him, furrowing my brows in confusion.

"It gets wild at times, but I think it's cute. And when you've just washed it, it's always so curly. I love it," he says, running his fingers through my hair.

I look up at him and when our eyes meet, I feel butterflies in my stomach like a school girl. It's not the first time I've ever felt this way with Aspen, but it's the most intense of those times. He's finally letting me get passed all those layers he puts around himself; that barrier he keeps up to make sure no one hurts him again.

I still don't know Aspen's whole story. I told myself I wouldn't press for answers, but if we want to be in each other's lives, I want to know things about him- even the things he keeps locked away.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks softly, touching my face.

It's such a beautiful, intimate moment. The way he's looking at me, the way he makes me feel...

"I will never turn my back on you," I whisper. "No matter what's in your past."

I can tell by the way his eyes cloud over with unreadable emotions that this is not the direction he wanted this conversation to take. Still, he smiles and kisses my forehead.

"I know," he whispers.