The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 9- Stay on Track

It's my last day of class and thankfully, that means my last final too- Human Anatomy. It's been my least favorite class during my time at State, but thank God, today is the last time I'll ever have to look at this seven pound text book.

Lizzy is also in this class, so she and I decided to walk together. It's our last walk, to our last class, to take our last final. After today, we'll have just a few days left together before she packs up and moves to New York. We say we'll stay in touch, but realistically, we might keep that up for a while before our friendship fizzles out, diluted by time and distance.

"Did you hear about the Sigma Kappa formal this weekend, over in the Garden District?" Lizzy asks as we walk along.

"No."

"So I guess you wouldn't be interested in going then?"

"No."

"Why not?" she pouts.

"Because I don't have a formal dress. I don't have formal shoes. I don't have the time or money to get my hair and nails done, so why go? I'll just look like a potato compared to everyone else," I sigh.

"Apsen doesn't think you look like a potato," she smirks.

"He's my friend, he's not supposed to think that."

"Your friend, huh? I'm your friend, but I don't see you spending every available second with me, the way you do with him."

"You're not jealous, are you?" I smirk, looking over at her.

"A little," she chuckles halfheartedly. "This was supposed to be our last weeks together and instead of doing something fun with me, you've been doing everything with him. I don't get it, we've known each other for almost four years, but he shows up with a month left in the final semester and suddenly, he's your new favorite person."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way. But to be fair, your idea of fun and my idea of fun are not even in the same ballpark. You like to drink and party, and that's fine because you're a social butterfly. I'm not," I remind her.

She nods, pressing her lips together.

She's been acting kind of strange over the past few days, but I never imagined it was because she was jealous of the time I've been spending with Aspen. I've known Lizzy my entire time here at State and she's been a great friend and roommate to me. I guess the least I can do is give her one last hurrah before we go our separate ways.

"This formal...is a date required?" I ask.

"No," she replies, giving me a suspicious look.

"Then...if you will help me find something to wear, I guess I will go."

"Really? You will?" she asks, stopping in her tracks.

I nod, blowing a breath through my nose. No part of me wants to do this. It's so far out of my comfort zone, I need a telescope to see it. But I guess Lizzy is right. I've been blowing her off for Aspen a lot lately.

"Oh my God! We're going to have so much fun!" she squeals, jumping into my arms.

"Sessy?"

I pull away from Lizzy and look around for the person who just called my name. The voice is familiar, but not very. I spot the small, dark haired girl from the meeting the other night. She's still dressed in all black, but she doesn't look quite as unhappy to see me as she did before.

"Hi, Mary right?" I ask.

She nods, looking from Lizzy to me. "Do you think we could talk for just a second?"

"Sure," I tell her. "Lizzy, I'll see you in class."

"Okay, I'll save you a seat," she says as she's walking away.

Once we're alone, I look at Mary and smile. "What's up?"

"Well, first of all, I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you at the meeting. You were right, I judged you unfairly. It's just...you seemed like a person who had her s**t together. I never imagined you'd been through so much. I'm really sorry," she says, hanging her head.

"Don't worry about it. I'm actually flattered that you thought I seemed like a person who has my s**t together," I chuckle, making her smile.

"What you said...about affecting people with your kindness...I wanted you to know, you affected me with yours. I only went to those dumb meetings because my parents and my doctor thought it would help me. They didn't, until you came along. Tyler said you were only filling in, but I was wondering if maybe you and I could talk before you leave."

"Yes, of course. I'm about to attend my last class and after that, I'll have plenty of free time. If you want, I can give you my number and you can just text me when you're free," I tell her.

"Really?" she asks, genuinely surprised that I would suggest that.

"Yes! You can call or text any time you need me," I smile.

She smiles back, her eyes welling up with tears. I hope she doesn't start crying, or I will too. Since I actually put on a little mascara this morning, I can't do that.

"Thank you, Sessy."

I give her my number and she saves it in her phone. After she leaves and I start to class, I can't help but smile to myself. For as overwhelmed as I felt during that meeting, it sure did turn out a lot better than I ever could've hoped for. Mary was probably the toughest of the group to get through to, but once she started opening up, her emotions came pouring out. Actually, all of them were that way. It was almost like busting through an old dam. Once the wall was gone, the flood of pent up emotions came pouring out.

______________

Lizzy and I have been trying on dresses all afternoon and so far, I haven't found a single one I want. It either doesn't fit me right or it's way out of my price range.

Finally, I spot a bright yellow dress in the window display. The last time I wore yellow, I got a lot of compliments. It made me feel confident. And I want to at least feel confident while I'm outside my comfort zone.

I walk over to the dress to get a better look. It's short, about mid-thigh, and has an empire cut so it wouldn't fit right against my stomach, which is my problem area. It would be a flattering fit and color, so I check the price tag to see if I've hit the trifecta.

$750?! For a freaking dress I'll wear once?!

Giving up, I decide to sit outside of the dressing rooms and wait for Lizzy to finish up. Shopping usually does nothing but depress me and remind me of every single flaw my body has. I'm not going to wear something I don't feel comfortable in and I'm not spending a ton of money on something I'll only wear one time.

"What are you doing? Did you find something?" Lizzy asks, coming out of the dressing room with a plum colored dress draped over her arm.

"No," I sigh, standing from my chair. "I've only seen one promising dress and it's way out of my price range."

"It's okay, you can just barrow one of mine."

"Lizzy, you wear a size two! If I could get one leg into something of yours, it would be a miracle."

"You are way too hard on yourself. You're always criticizing your body, but I don't know what the problem is. I'd kill to have curves and a booty like yours! Plus, you have the most amazing skin I've ever seen. It's totally flawless!"

"Thank you," I sigh, knowing I probably sound whiny. "It's okay, I'll figure something out. We need to get going soon. I'm meeting someone in an hour and I can't be late."

"Oh, someone as in, Aspen?" she smirks.

"No, not Aspen," I chuckle.

But now that she's mentioned him, I realize I haven't heard from him today. It's nearly five in the afternoon. He usually would've sent me a few texts by now.

I pull my phone out to text him while Lizzy is paying for her dress. He's been kind of distant over the past few days, ever since I climbed the radio tower with him. I assumed things would change between us, since he revealed so much about himself to me, things he doesn't want anyone else to find out. But I didn't expect for him to back off like it seems he has.

Me: Hey best friend! Just checking in on you since I haven't heard from you today.

I put my phone away and go on about my business. I have to meet Mary in a little while and after that, I really need to go visit my grandma. I haven't seen her in a few weeks now, and even though we talk on the phone every day, it's not the same as seeing her sweet, smiling face in person.

Mary and I made plans to meet for coffee at the campus bookstore's cafe. I arrived a few minutes early, so I've been busying myself with phone while I wait for her.

While I'm scrolling through my social media, I see a text pop up from Aspen.

Aspen: I'm fine

Wow, okay. That was kind of short, which has me thinking maybe he's not fine at all. I'll try to go by his place and check on him in person when I get home. For now, I intend to focus all my efforts and energy on Mary.

She walks into the cafe and looks around, so I wave at her. She lowers her head and hurries in my direction, grasping the straps of her backpack as if she's holding onto them for dear life.

"Hey Mary," I smile when she joins me at the table.

"Hi," she replies meekly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what you liked, but I'd like to buy you a coffee."

"No, that's okay. If I drink coffee this late in the day, I'll be up all night," she replies, smiling softly.

Her eyes are heavy, like maybe she hasn't slept in a while, or maybe she's been crying. She's so small and frail, she probably hasn't been eating properly either.

"How did your finals go?" I ask her.

"Okay, I guess," she shrugs. "And I think I've finally settled on a major."

"That's great! What did you decide?"

"Psychology," she answers.

"Really?" I smile.

She nods, not able to hold back her own smile. "After the meeting, and after I saw how much you helped me and the others, I wanted to do the same. I never even considered it before, but...I started thinking a lot about what you said, not just to me, but to everyone that night. You made such a difference, and all you did was just listen to us and try to help us make sense of what we were feeling. So many people have been trying to fix me since my brother died, but you...you didn't try to fix me, you tried to understand me. That's all I really wanted," she says, wiping a tear from her eye. "My parents, my friends, even my therapist kept telling me what I should do to make it better; like they even had a clue. They made me think something was wrong with me because I couldn't get over what happened to Matt."

"Nothing is wrong with you. It's perfectly fine to grieve for your brother, for as long as it takes. Grieving is part of the healing process," I tell her.

She nods, wiping more tears away. "I think Matt would be proud that I've chosen psychology as my major. He would love that I want to help people. And helping people will make me feel closer to him."

I smile, trying not to cry right along with her. "You're exactly right. He would be so proud of you. I'm proud of you. Look at how far you've come in just a few days!"

And for the first time since I met her, she smiles the biggest and most genuine smile. She's a really pretty girl, especially when she smiles. She's smart, she's witty, she's strong-willed. She's going places if she can stay on track.

"I don't want to take up anymore of your time. I just wanted to let you know that you made a difference in my life. Even if I never see you again, I'll never forget you. So...thank you, Sessy," she says through her tears, holding her arms out to hug me.

I'm quite surprised, but I hug her back without hesitation. "Anytime you need me, all you have to do is call. You have my number now," I tell her as I pull away.

"Really? You wouldn't mind if I called you?" she asks.

"Not at all," I smile.