The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 8- I'll Be There

"I want to tell you what it is, more than anything. But if I do, you'll never speak to me again," Aspen says, keeping his eyes intently focused on the sky.

I look up at him, furrowing my brows.

After a few moments of hesitation, he looks down at me, his green eyes softening. "I don't want to scare you away. You're the only beauty in my ugly life."

I can see the storm raging in his eyes. Something is tormenting him, tearing him to pieces. I've noticed it from the start, and over time, I put more and more of his story together. Whatever his secret is, it must not be an easy thing to live with.

I pull him into my arms and hug him tight. "I'm not going anywhere," I whisper.

His grip on me tightens, as if he's silently thanking me. For a while, we just stand there, letting the world buzz around us, unnoticed.

"My real name is Tyler Battle," he whispers after a while, but he doesn't move, he just keeps holding onto me as if I'm his lifeline. "My friends call me Aspen because that's where I was born and because...I can be cold."

"Cold?" I ask, pulling away and meeting his eyes. "You?"

He smiles softly. "I said I can be."

"You're one of the nicest people I've ever met. Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that you could be cold."

He looks genuinely surprised that I would say that. "Really? You really think that?"

I nod. "Of course. I mean, I've only known you for a few weeks, but in that time, I've never known you to be anything other than amazing. Not only are you nice, but you're funny, you're charming, you're smart and you have the biggest heart. No matter what happened in your past, you still have a bright future."

He drops his arms to his side and takes a step back, hanging his head.

Did I say something wrong?

Before I can speak, Aspen chuckles to himself, looking back up at me. "If only the world could see me through your eyes."

I'm not exactly sure what he means by that, but he doesn't explain and he doesn't give me time to ask questions. He takes my hand and starts walking toward the other side of the bridge.

"Do you want to go on a little adventure?" he asks, looking over at me.

I've never been the adventurous type, though I wish I was. And Aspen has been acting so strange; should I be letting him lead me off like this? What if my desire to see the good in people has made me blind to the signs? What if Aspen isn't who I think he is?

As if he can sense my sudden hesitation, he stops and takes my other hand into his. "Look, I know you're probably freaked out now, and you probably have a lot questions. I just want to take you somewhere. If you don't want to go, I'll take you home. I won't make you do anything you don't want to do."

"Where are you taking me?" I ask.

"It's a surprise. But it's not too far and it's not dangerous. Well, not if you're careful."

He studies my eyes, practically begging me to say I'll go with him. The rational side of me is saying go home, but the empathic side of me senses Aspen's despair and refuses to let him go without doing everything I can to help him.

"Okay, let's go," I whisper.

He blows out a breath, smiling nervously. "Okay. But...it's kind of a long walk from here, maybe a mile or so. Do you want me to drive?"

"I don't mind walking," I shrug. "It's nice out this evening."

"Then let's go," he smiles, taking my hand again.

"So this place we're going to, is it...special to you?" I ask him as we walk along.

"There's nothing special about the place itself, but I guess it means something to me, if that's what you mean."

"And you go to this place often?" I ask.

"Almost every day."

"Does anyone else know about it?"

He shakes his head. "Nope, you're the first and only person."

I'm not sure whether that makes me feel special, or if it's a warning sign that I should be afraid. My mind is throwing up red flag after red flag, but my heart is telling me to go, that I can trust Aspen.

"I kind of hate that I only just found this place and pretty soon, I'll be leaving it behind forever. Maybe you've seen it before, since you're from this area. But if you haven't, it's something you have to see. Especially on a night like tonight," he goes on to explain.

"Now you've got me all excited. Can you tell me anything else about this place?" I ask him.

"Only that I don't want anyone else to know about it but you," he replies, looking down at me.

His eyes. They are so intense right now. I don't know if I'm afraid of him or in love with him. He causes a strange, unusual mixture of emotions I have no idea what to do with. I've never been close to someone of the opposite s*x, so this is all new to me. I've dated here and there, but they were either not interesting enough, or not interested enough.

"Well then, I promise to keep it our little secret," I finally reply.

After about a thirty minute walk, we finally arrive at the end of the road. All that's in front of us now is the Mississippi River. Aspen stops and looks both ways before he takes off across the intersecting highway, dragging me along behind him.

I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't had nearly enough exercise to take on a walk like this. I'm winded, I'm exhausted, and I don't even want to know what my hair looks like right now.

"It's just a little bit farther, I promise," Aspen says when we make it to the other side of the highway.

"I hope so, or else you're gonna have to carry me," I pant.

He suddenly stops walking, causing me to stop too. "I can carry you if you want," he shrugs.

"No, no," I laugh. "I was only kidding."

"No seriously, I don't mind," he says, kneeling on one knee. "Hop on."

"You want to give me a piggy back ride?" I ask him, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, why? Is that weird or something?"

"No, not weird. Just...different."

"What can I say? I'm different," he smirks up at me. "Come one, get on."

Normally, I would never do something like this, mostly because I'm self conscious about my weight. But Aspen is a big guy and I'm sure he can handle me. Plus, my dogs are barking. I didn't wear the right shoes to walk a whole a*s mile.

I blow out a breath and climb on his back. He stands and adjusts me, hooking his arms around my legs. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good," I answer, flustered by our close proximity.

He starts walking and it doesn't take long for the tension to melt away and be replaced by a tender lightheartedness that makes me feel like a kid again. It seems to have the same effect on Aspen as well. We start laughing at nothing in particular, bouncing down the street like we've lost our minds.

It's the most and hardest I've laughed in a long time, but something tells me that's also the case for Aspen.

As I listen to the sound of his infectious laughter, I can't help but smile to myself. I don't know what's going on in his life, I don't know what he's hiding, but I do know he desperately needs someone to care about him. Now that he has that, he feels like he can be himself again.

"Okay, we're going to have to climb a pretty big ladder. Are you up for it?" Aspen asks, coming to a stop in front of what's left of an old radio tower.

"What is this?" I ask him, hopping down from his back and looking up at the tall web of rusty metal bars.

"It's a radio tower," he answers.

"I know that, but...is this what you wanted to show me?" I ask.

He nods, looking up to the top of the tower. "Don't ask me how I found it, because I don't even remember now. I just climbed it one night and when I reached the top, the view blew me away. So I keep coming back here and climbing it."

"It isn't dangerous?" I ask.

"No. I've climbed it a bunch of times. You'll be just fine, unless you're afraid of heights."

"Well, I'm afraid of heights."

He holds his hand out to me and smiles. "It's okay, I got you."

While I am not totally sure I want to climb this decaying tower of death, I take Aspen's hand. He leads me over to the ladder that goes at least two or three stories into the sky. Just looking at it makes my palms sweaty.

"I know it looks scary, but you can do it," he whispers right against my ear, standing behind me, so close that I can feel the heat off his body. "Just relax and climb. Don't look down, just keep going. I'm right behind you, okay?"

I nod, blowing out a breath. I clasp my hands around the railing and place my right foot on the first of what feels like thousands of rungs. I look up, hesitating only for a moment before I start climbing. I don't think about the height, I only think about getting to the top where the view is supposedly magnificent.

I climb, and climb, and climb, but so far, I don't see any place that looks safe enough to stop. I want to ask Aspen about it, but I'm too afraid to speak, or do anything that might break my concentration. If I fall from this height, I'm dead, or in the very least, injured beyond repair.

"Just a few more steps, Sessy! We're almost there!" Aspen calls out from beneath me.

I focus on my breaths, keeping all rational thinking locked away, my heart thumping in sync with every creak and groan this old tower makes. I keep going, too far to stop now even if I wanted to. It's all or nothing, sink or swim. Or fall, in this case.

Finally, I pull myself up to a wooden platform that looks out of place up here. It seems sturdy enough, but it's only a few feet wide. Will it be able to hold both mine and Aspen's weight?

"Right here!" he calls out. "Just crawl out to the center and don't move."

"Don't move?!" I shriek.

"Just be as still as you can until I make it to you!"

My shaky hands pull my body up onto the platform and I slowly crawl to the center.

But then I see the view...

It's like a little piece of heaven. The sun has already set, but only recently, so the sky looks almost tie dyed with beautiful shades of orange, purple and blue. The way the colors dance across the river make it look like a Bob Ross painting. It's breathtaking. Totally worth the terrifying climb to get here.

"It's beautiful, right?" Aspen asks, crawling up beside me and swinging his feet over the edge. "Come, sit," he says, patting the space next to him.

I move over next to him and gasp when I see the ground below. My racing heart feels like it's suddenly pumping my body full of lead, hardening my limbs so I'm unable to move.

Aspen wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. "Don't look down, Sessy."

I blow out a shaky breath, nodding.

"See? You made it," he smirks at me.

We're so close now. We have no choice but to be close on this tiny platform, but wow. I don't think I've ever felt so on edge, figuratively and literally, in all of my life.

"Focus on the view and nothing else," Aspen whispers.

I nod, swallowing hard. I try to relax a little and make myself enjoy this beautiful, one of a kind view. I've never seen anything like it in the world.

After a few minutes, my nerves start to subside and my racing heart steadies out. Aspen and I sit together and enjoy this perfect view, neither of us saying a word for a long while.

"Was it worth it?" Aspen asks, looking over at me.

"The climb?" I ask. He nods. I blow out a breath, looking back at the sunset. "Yes. Definitely."

He smiles, his arm that's been draped over my shoulder, now slowly sliding down to the small of my back. "Thank you for coming here with me."

"Thank you for allowing me to come," I smile back.

He meets my eyes and his smile starts to fade. I see that same storm of emotions in his eyes, turning them an even more vibrant shade of green. "Since you trusted me enough to come here, then...I'm hoping maybe that means...I can trust you too."

"Of course you can trust me," I tell him.

He keeps his eyes on mine, and again, I know he wants to say something. This time, he has nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. And maybe that's why he brought me here; because he's tired of running from who he is.

"I want to tell you something, but...you have to promise me, first of all, it stays between us. No one here knows this and no one can," he says after a while. "Second, promise me that it won't change things between us."

"I promise," I whisper.

He moves his arm away from me and stares straight ahead. Whatever he's about to tell me is obviously eating him alive, I can see it all over his face and in his body language. But I meant what I said, and I always keep my promises.

"After I was kicked from the foster system when I turned eighteen, my high school football coach helped me get into Texas Tech on a football scholarship. It was honestly the best thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. I finally had dreams to chase. I was on the right path. For the first time, it looked like I could have a real future. But...all that changed one night about eight months ago when I got drunk and started snooping. I found out some things I would've been better off never knowing, and...it made me spiral out of control pretty quickly. I was...hospitalized for a self-inflicted injury. It was really bad...but not nearly as bad as the pain I've had to carry around every day since I woke up from that two week coma. Waking up...realizing that everything I tried to run away from was still there. I was still there. I didn't think I could take it. I didn't think I'd ever be able to move past it and make something of the rest of my life, even though the future I wanted seemed right there at my fingertips."

He pauses for a long moment, the storm in his eyes now raging.

"I had nothing and no one when I left that hospital. All of my friends turned their backs on me. I didn't have any family and even if I did, I doubt they would've cared. I didn't think there was any reason to go on. So...on October twenty-fifth of last year, I tried to take my own life. I have no idea how I'm still here after that night, or what purpose I'm yet to fulfill, but I have to believe that it's something, or I wouldn't still be here. That's why I was at the meeting tonight. I've been trying to find support within that group since I got here, but until tonight, that group was never anything to any of us but a waste of time."

I press my lips together, trying not to cry. My heart is shattered for him; completely and utterly shattered.

"What you said, the way you got those people to open up like they did, it meant more to them than you will ever know. It meant more to me than you'll ever know," he says, meeting my eyes just as a tear rolls down his cheek.

Without even thinking, I reach up and brush his tear away with my thumb, holding his face in my hand. "You do have a purpose. You've had such a hard life, but you're one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And you'll never have to worry about being alone again. I'll always be here for you. I don't care where I am or what I'm doing or how long it's been since we've seen each other, if you ever need me, I'll be there."

He looks like he's about to say something, but he pulls me into his arms instead and hugs me tight instead. "Thank you, Sessy. I'm so happy that I met you," he whispers.