The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 10- Bounce Back

When I walk into my bedroom, I furrow my brows when I see a black garment bag laid across my bed. I pick it up, looking it over before unzipping it. My mouth falls open in surprise when I see the same yellow dress I saw in the store earlier today.

"Do you like it? That's the one, right?" Lizzy asks, standing in my doorway.

For a second, I can only stare at her through the tears filling my eyes. But then I break down, ugly crying. She runs and jumps into my arms, hugging me tight.

"Don't cry, Sess! I just wanted our last night together to be one we'd never forget," she says, pulling away to meet my eyes. "I want us to get all dolled up, take a limo over to the Sigma house and have the time of our lives before we go our separate ways. You don't have to worry about a thing, okay? Just do this for me, please?"

"Okay," I sob, falling back into her arms.

It's all becoming so real now. I'm already done with my classes, and in a couple of months, I'll be done with this apartment- the place Lizzy and I have shared for the past three years. Lizzy will move to New York and I'll be here until August, when I'll make the move to John Hopkins in Baltimore. All the change is overwhelming. I thought I was ready, but now I'm wondering if I'll ever really be ready.

After spending some time with Lizzy, discussing the formal and all things related, I start for my grandma's house.

It's only a thirty minute drive from New Orleans, so you would think I would get by here more often. But this is my first visit this month. I'm ashamed I've let so much time go by.

I pull up to the rapidly deteriorating neighborhood of Mossy Oaks- a once thriving community before Hurricane Katrina came through back in 2005, when I was just a little girl. My grandma and I had to go live with her sister in Vicksburg for eight months before we could return home. When we did, nothing was ever the same again.

It's sad to see this place living in the shadows of its former glory.

When I walk into grandma's house, I nearly pass out from the heat. "Grandma!" I call out. "Why is it so hot in here?"

"Sessy?" she asks, coming around the corner wearing her bright purple nightgown I gave her for Christmas. "Oh my goodness! It's so good to see you!"

I hug her tight, swaying us back and forth. I always hold onto every single moment with her for as long as I can.

She pulls away, looking me over, her smile growing even wider. "You look so good! Have you lost some weight?"

"Um, if I have, it wasn't on purpose."

"Come on, sit down and talk to your grandma. I want to know everything that's been going on in your life," she says, sitting on the plush orange sofa in the den, the same one she's had since I was a baby. "I haven't talked to you since last week!"

Wow, it's been a week already? Now I'm really ashamed of myself.

"How did the meeting go?" she asks.

"Well, it started off shaky, and I was afraid it was going to spiral out of control. By the time I left though, most everyone had started sharing their stories. They were all terribly sad and while I wanted to cry, I held it together so I could give them the support they needed. One of the people who were there came to me today and asked if we could talk. We had coffee together and she told me that she decided to major in psychology because she wanted to help people, the way I helped her."

Grandma smiles, tears filling her big, beautiful brown eyes. "I'm so proud of you Miss Sessy! What did I tell you? Won't God do it?!"

I chuckle, hugging her tight. "You were right. I guess I was supposed to be at that meeting."

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to know my granddaughter is not only graduating college, but changing the world with her kindness. This old heart of mine is rejoicing," she cries.

I smile, but it quickly fades when I feel a bead of sweat trickle down my back. I sit up straight and adjust my shirt. "Grandma, why is it so hot in here?"

"Oh, the AC isn't working. Darn thing went out last weekend, and do you know what the repairman told me?"

"What?" I ask.

"It would be anywhere from $700-$1,000 to fix it. I told him I'd rather deal with the heat," she chuckles.

"But you can't stay here like this. It's the end of May. It's too hot for you to have no AC. I'll see if I can-"

"No ma'am! I won't have you doing anything for me. You've already done plenty enough."

"But this is-"

"Sessy, now listen to me...I'll get by just fine, like I always have. You have too much going on in your life to worry about me," she says.

She has to know I'm not going to let this go, but I'll pretend to for now. There's no way she can live here in this constant hell. I've only been here a few minutes and I'm already forming pit stains on my black tank top. Back sweat too.

"Anyways, I've got the windows open and Mr. Abrams next door says he has a window unit I can barrow. He just needs to clean it up a bit," she goes on to say.

"Good. That makes me feel better," I smile.

"I want to hear more about what's been going on with you! How is that cute boyfriend of yours?" she smirks, patting my leg.

I blush at just the mention of him. "Well, I told you, he's not my boyfriend, we're just friends."

"Do you not like him or something?"

"Of course I like him."

"Is he gay?" she asks.

I furrow my brows. "Um, not that I'm aware of. He's never told me either way."

"Well, from what you told me, he seems like a good guy. Exactly the kind of guy I want my Sessy to settle down with."

I laugh uncomfortably. "You're getting a little too far ahead of yourself there, grandma. I literally just met the guy a month ago. We can't start planning our wedding just yet."

"I know, I'm just so excited for you!" she grins, clasping her hands together. But then she starts coughing. And it's not just a regular, let me clear my throat, kind of cough. It sounds really bad.

"Grandma, are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water?" I ask, putting my hand on her back.

She holds her hand up, shaking her head no, being stubborn, as usual.

"I'm going to get you some anyway," I say, standing up.

She tries to stop me, but she's not able to communicate much through her coughing fit. I walk into the kitchen and dig around the cabinets for a glass. I finally find one, with remnants of what was once the California Raisins painted on it. Grandma's had this glass for years. I remember drinking my orange juice from it on Saturday mornings, when grandma and I used to sit in front of the television and watch cartoons.

I turn the tap, but no water comes out. "Grandma! Something's wrong with the water!" I call out.

I get on my knees and open the cabinet under the sink as if I have any idea what I'm doing or what to look for. "Grandma!" I call out again.

When she doesn't answer, I go back into the living room. "Grandma, something is..." I trial off, my heart sinking to my feet when I see her lying there, unconscious, on the sofa.

__________

"Sessy, oh my God, I came as soon as I got your text," Lizzy cries, coming into the waiting area and taking the seat next to me. "How is she?"

"I'm not sure yet. Dr. Vita said she'd give me an update as soon as she had one," I reply distantly.

Lizzy nods, hanging her head.

For a while, we just sit in silence. She probably has no idea what to say at a time like this, and I don't feel much like talking. I knew I hadn't been keeping in touch with grandma like I needed to, but how on earth did I manage to miss huge things- like her water being turned off because she couldn't pay the bill. Or her air conditioning being out, because she can't afford a repairman. I have a $750 dress hanging in my closet, but my grandma can't even pay her bills. And while I didn't pay for the dress myself, it still makes me feel so selfish.

Why didn't she tell me she was struggling? I could've done something. I could've taken the year off and worked a real job and helped her out.

"Miss Martin?" Dr. Vita says, walking into the waiting area.

"Yes?" I ask, quickly standing.

I can tell by the look on her pale face this isn't going to be good news. "I'm afraid your grandmother is in bad shape. Did you know about her COPD?"

"Yes, I mean, I knew of it, but...has it gotten worse?" I ask.

She nods, pressing her lips together. "It has. Unfortunately, living without AC for so long has caused a lot of stress to her body, especially her lungs. We're working now to get the fluid off so she can breathe without a tube."

I nod, squeezing my eyes shut and letting a couple of tears roll down my face. "When can I see her?"

"You can see her now. She's sedated, but she can still hear you," she says. "If you'll follow me, I'll take you to her."

I nod, feeling relieved that I'll at least get to see her. I just need to see for myself that she's okay. Or that she can be okay, once we get all this worked out.

"Hey, Sess? I've got to run some errands, but I'll be back soon. Do you want some food?" Lizzy asks after Dr. Vita is gone.

"Yes, that would be amazing. Thank you!" I reply, giving her a quick hug.

"Okay. I'll be back soon," she says, giving me a small smile before turning and walking away.

After she's gone, I take a deep breath and follow Dr. Vita down the hallway to my grandmother's room. I'm in no way prepared to see her like this, so I'm sure I'm going to fall apart the minute I do. Especially knowing it could've been prevented.

When I reach her door, I stand there with my hand on the handle for just a few seconds, mentally preparing myself the best I can. Finally, I push the door open and gasp when I see her lying in bed, connected to all kinds of tubes and wires.

She's sleeping, but there's nothing peaceful about her. She seems distressed. Her lungs aren't working properly and she's not able to breathe well without the help of a machine, so I guess distressed is the only way she can seem right now.

I stand next to her bed, taking her cold, clammy hand into mine. "Grandma...I'm so sorry," I choke out. "I wish you would've told me things had gotten so bad for you."

I can hear her response to me, even if she can't speak.

Sessy, there was no way I was going to let you quit school and get a job. I would've given up everything I own to see my only granddaughter graduate college.

I know that's why she never told me. She knew I'd drop everything and come running home to her. She wanted me to stay focused and become something. That's all she's ever wanted for me.

But she's the reason I'm even in this position. It was her sacrifice that got me to where I am today. She's worked her fingers to the bone to give me the best life she could give me.

"My life has been so wonderful because of you," I cry. "Everything I am, I owe it to you. So please...you can't leave me now. If you do...I'll be all alone..."

I sit with her for a while before I return to the waiting area to wait for Lizzy. When I walk in, I'm quite surprised to see Aspen sitting there.

When he notices me, he jumps to his feet, his worried eyes meeting mine. "Sessy, how is your grandmother?"

I blink a couple of times, trying to pull myself together. I didn't expect to see him and now that I have, I feel like I'm buffering. "Um...not good," I reply quietly, hanging my head. "She's been keeping some things from me and I feel like maybe I could've done something..."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

I sit down in the chair next to his and bury my face in my hands, trying not to break down again. Aspen sits next to me and puts his hand on my back. It's a small gesture, but it means a lot.

"I went to visit her today and her AC wasn't working, her water had been turned off, her COPD has gotten so much worse...she hasn't told me any of that..."

"She probably didn't want you to worry," he says softly.

I nod, since I'm sure that's exactly why she didn't bother to tell me. "But...she has to tell me things like that. She doesn't have anyone else. Her sister is her only living relative besides me and she's very old. Who else is going to take care of her?"

"She doesn't want to do anything to slow you down. You're on a roll right now; about to graduate, about to head to John Hopkins, which is super impressive. She's so proud of you and just wants all your dreams to come true, even if she has to sacrifice for it," he says, rubbing my back soothingly.

"How am I supposed to move to Baltimore when she's in bad health?" I ask, wiping tears from my eyes. "I can't. I won't."

"Maybe she will bounce back and be just fine," he shrugs. "From what you've told me, she seems like a fighter."

"She definitely is," I smile to myself.

"If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I don't have a family, so I have no one to take care of. It would be kind of nice to finally have the chance to do that," he says, making my smile grow even wider.

"Thank you," I say, hugging him tight.

I never expected him to show up here tonight, but until he did, I didn't realize how badly I needed him. He's comforting, he's safe...

The weight on my shoulders doesn't feel nearly as heavy with him around.