The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 16- I'll Miss You the Most

I stand in front of the full length mirror on my closet door and look at the woman staring back at me in the refection.

She's a college graduate.

She grew up in poverty, never having the nice things those around her had- the fancy clothes, the nice cars, the big houses, the fun vacations. Still, she was a happy girl with big dreams and a lot of love in her heart. She was driven, motivated and determined to do something with her life- not just to make money, but to make a difference.

Being the first in my family to graduate college is an honor, but also, a privilege. If I had been more concerned about the things most girls were concerned about back in high school, I might have missed my chance. I didn't have money of my own to pay for tuition, so I knew I'd have to earn it. I made my own way. I did this on my own, one hundred percent. I had the support of my grandma and a few amazing teachers along the way, but at the end of the day, no one could put me here but me and I always knew that, from a very young age.

"You're the s**t, Cecily," I smirk at myself.

And even though I'm excited about today and about all my accomplishments that led me here, I still can't shake the heaviness on my heart. I should be leaving for Baltimore to start the next chapter of my life in less than three months, but I'm worried about my grandma. There's no way she can go four years without me; especially when I know now she doesn't tell me things.

"Are you ready?" Lizzy asks from the doorway of my bedroom. "Wow, Sess! Look at you!"

She comes over and stands next to me and we both stare at our reflections. We're both dressed in purple, one of our school colors.

"Can you believe these two girls are college graduates?" she asks with an accomplished smile.

"Not at all. It feels like it took us forever to get here. But it also feels like it flew by at the same time."

"You're right. All those nights studying for exams were long, but everything else seems like it went by in a blink. If we're lucky, maybe the next four years will feel that way too. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to be a doctor. I'm ready to start my life."

I look at her and c**k a brow. "Really? I thought you wanted to enjoy being young before you settled down?"

"I've done that! And thanks to me, and only me, so did you!"

"Only you?" I chuckle.

We pause when we hear laughter coming from just outside our front door. I definitely recognize Aspen's deep, heartfelt laughter, but I recognize the other one too.

I grin ear to ear and rush to the door, swinging it open to see Aspen and my grandma.

"Grandma?! What are you doing here? I was supposed to come pick you up in an hour!" I cry, hugging her tight.

"I know, I know. But your sweet boyfriend came and picked me up and invited me out to lunch with all of you," she replies, pulling away and looking me over. "Oh, my sweet, sweet Sessy. You look so beautiful. Your mom and dad would be so proud."

"Thank you," I smile, tearing up.

"This must be grandma," Lizzy says when she joins us.

"Yes! Grandma, this is my roommate and best friend, Elizabeth. We call her Lizzy."

"Nice to meet you, Lizzy. Sessy has told me so much about you," grandma says, hugging Lizzy.

"She's told me a lot about you too. I feel like I've known you all my life!"

I look at Aspen and smile while Lizzy and grandma carry on together. He smiles back.

I stand in front of him and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head against his chest. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," he whispers, kissing the top of my head.

"Please tell me she didn't spend the thirty minute drive here telling you embarrassing stories about me," I say, looking up at him.

I'm a thousand percent sure she did, even before Aspen smirks mischievously. "She may have told me a few things. Like how you got your head stuck in a bucket. Or how you got your head stuck in the railing of the giraffe exhibit at the zoo and the fire department had to come get you out. Apparently little Sessy got her head stuck in a lot of places."

"Little Sessy had a big head. It took me about eighteen years to grow into it," I say, making him laugh. "Is that all she told you?"

"No, of course not," he winks.

Lizzy and I give grandma a quick tour of our place before the four of us meet Drake at Cafe Monday for lunch.

We take a seat at a table in the courtyard and grandma looks around, smiling. "The flowers here are so pretty!"

"That's all Sessy," Lizzy brags. "Mr. Brewer, the owner, lets her change out the flower arrangements weekly. It's kind of what this place is known for."

Grandma looks at me and gives me a proud smile. "I guess you got your love of flower arranging from your mother. She used to love doing stuff like that."

"Really? She did?" I ask in surprise, since this is the first time I'm hearing it.

She nods. "She worked in a florist part time while she was in high school. She had become somewhat of a local celebrity around town, especially for weddings."

While everyone else goes on talking together, I can't help but feel a bit sad. I never knew my parents, so I can't say I ever missed them in the traditional sense, but I do miss not having them here. Especially on important occasions, like today.

After we're done eating, we head over to the campus where the graduation ceremony is taking place. I'm trying so hard to live in the moment and enjoy this, but I'm finding it hard to be excited all of a sudden.

My life is changing so fast. I remember feeling this way when I went to college four years ago, and even though I was terrified to leave home for the first time, I did it. Four years went by incredibly fast; so fast I didn't even have time to think about how much had actually changed.

I'm sure the next chapter of my life will be no different. The change will be fast and probably terrifying, but I'll make it through. And in four more years, I'll be wondering the same thing- how did it all go by so fast?

"Are you okay?" Aspen asks me, falling behind the others to walk alongside me.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply. "I was just thinking about how afraid I was to come here and live on my own for the first time."

"I bet that was pretty scary, huh?"

I look up at him and smile. "While it was scary, it went by way too fast. I spent so much time worrying over if I'd make friends, if I'd make good grades, if I'd chosen the right major, and as it turns out, I never had to worry about any of that."

"No, you didn't. You mastered it all. And you will do even better when you move to Baltimore to start round two."

"Round two?" I chuckle.

"You know, of your college career," he shrugs.

"Yeah, but...round two will be a lot different than round one. I'm moving hundreds of miles away to attend a school where everyone is really, really smart."

He doesn't respond right away. Instead, we silently follow behind Lizzy, Drake and the other graduates until we reach the auditorium. Since we'll be seated in alphabetical order by last name, I won't be near any of my friends. I decide to start for group two, where students with last names J-Q have been asked to gather.

"Cecily, wait!" Aspen says, grabbing my arm to stop me.

I turn around and look up at him, waiting for him to say something. He looks like he wants to, but instead, he hugs me.

"Thank you for everything," he whispers.

I pull away from him, furrowing my brows. I don't know why, but something about the way he whispered those words made them sound final; like I won't be seeing him again.

He smiles before giving me a salute and walking away.

I join my group and within minutes, we're taking our seats. I can't believe this is really happening. I'm a college graduate. I've been accepted into a prestigious university to finish my graduate studies.

I look around the crowd and spot my grandma in her purple dress, smiling proudly. I'm so happy she was able to be here after the scare we just had.

The ceremony starts and after a few speeches, we're called up on stage by our full names.

When Tyler Battle is called, I almost don't even remember the name until I see Aspen start across the stage. He's grinning, proud of himself, as he should be. He's overcome more than anyone I know, yet here he is, leaving his past behind and embracing his future. I only hope he's not about to suddenly drop out of my life after I've fallen so hard for him. But I have a feeling he's planning to do exactly that.

Finally, my name is called. I laugh when I see grandma stand up and shout for me, clapping and smiling proudly. I give her a wave and start for the stage. As I get closer, I think back on my time here and all that I've accomplished. And I think about all the things I went through to get here. I've worked so hard for so long, and it's finally time to celebrate crossing the finish line. I take my certificate from the dean, shake his hand and proudly turn my tassel to the other side of my graduation cap.

I did it.

I graduated college. Grandma got to see it happen. Best of all, I'm one giant step closer to fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine.

After the ceremony is over, I start looking around for Aspen. I have a feeling something's going on with him; something he hasn't told me yet, and probably doesn't want to. I don't want to push him to tell me everything when we're still getting to know each other, but I'm weary of falling in love with someone who may not be who I think he is.

"Sessy! We're college graduates!" Lizzy squeals excitedly, leaping into my arms.

"I know! I'm still trying to wrap my head around it!" I laugh. "Have you seen Aspen?"

"No. Not yet. Want me to help you look for him?" she asks.

I look around, hoping to spot him in the crowd. Everyone looks the same in their caps and gowns, so it's difficult to navigate through the sea of black robed graduates.

I look back at Lizzy and shake my head. "No, it's okay. I'll catch up with him later."

"Okay," she shrugs. "Hey, I wanted to ask you something. I know you said no more parties, but Drake is throwing a going away party for us at his brother's place."

I open my mouth to protest, but she holds up her finger, smirking.

"Before you say no, it's not one of his usual parties. It's going to be a classy cocktail party. Everyone is dressing fancy and you already have a nice dress. And, you already have a date. A very handsome date."

I sigh in defeat. Despite the fact that I really did say no more parties, this is my last night with Lizzy. I'll spend it doing whatever it is she wants to do. "Okay, fine."

"Yay!" she cheers, squeezing me until I cough.

"Yeah, yeah, get off me," I laugh, pushing her away. "I'll text Aspen."

I take my phone out of my purse and smile when I see I have a text from him. That is, until I read it.

Aspen: I'll miss you the most