The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 15- Impossible

I stand in front of the ladder, looking up at what feels like two hundred feet, but couldn't be more than about twenty-five or thirty. I wasn't nearly as nervous the last time I was here, since Aspen was right behind me. Even though I was still getting to know him, I trusted him enough to climb a rusty tower. I trusted him to keep me safe as we sat there together, watching the sun set over the Mississippi River. I'm really hoping I can get him to trust me tonight.

I take a deep breath, clasp my hands around the first set of rungs and start climbing. I keep a steady pace, wanting to reach him as quickly as possible, but safely, of course. My heart is pounding. My palms are sweaty, which is really not a good thing when you're climbing a crappy, old ladder.

Time seems to slow down, making it feel like I've been climbing forever.

Finally, I see the platform just above me. I pause for a spit second, trying to pull myself together. I haven't given any thought to what I'm going to say to him once I get up here.

"Aspen?" I call out, my voice quivering with fear and exhaustion. "Are you up there?"

I listen for an answer, but it doesn't come.

"Aspen?" I call out again.

I take the next step, but my foot slips. I don't have time to react. I let out a squeal, squeezing my eyes shut, bracing myself for whatever terrible thing happens next. But before I fall, Aspen reaches out and catches my wrist. His intense green eyes meet mine and I cry out in relief.

He pulls me up over the platform and into his arms, hugging me tight. "Oh my God, Sessy. Are you okay?"

I can only nod, breaking down into tears. That was way to close of a call for me.

"Shhh," Aspen whispers, stroking my back soothingly. "I've got you now."

"I was so worried about you," I choke out.

His grip on me seems to tighten at my words, but he doesn't say anything for a long while. "I'm sorry I made you worry. I just needed to get away for a while."

I want to ask him what happened this morning that sent him spiraling out of control. But after that brush with death I just had, I don't think I want to talk about much of anything but getting down from this tower as quickly as possible.

We sit in silence for a few minutes and Aspen keeps me safely wrapped in his arms. The way he's holding me, it makes me feel like maybe this isn't so much for me as it is for him. He needs me. And I risked my life to be here for him tonight, so may as well stop putting off the uncomfortable topics and get down to business.

"What happened this morning?" I finally ask, pulling away and meeting his eyes. "Why did you punch Tristan in the nose?"

He sighs heavily, looking out over the river. "He said something that made me angry. I know I overreacted and I feel bad about it now, but what's done is done."

"What did he say?"

"You don't want to know," he says, shaking his head.

"Okay...then...why didn't you text me back and at least let me know you were okay?"

He swallows hard, his face hardening. "I was starting to worry that maybe....I depend on you too much."

"What do you mean?" I ask, when he doesn't bother elaborating.

"I mean..." he trails off and sighs in frustration, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "I mean...I can't keep running to you for help. You won't always be there."

"I may not always be here with you, physically, but I'm never more than a phone call or a text away. And what about you? You could live anywhere in the country. What if you leave me behind?" I ask him.

He finally looks at me with the hint of a smile on his face. "If I had my way, I'd never leave your side."

My heart beats even faster than it was beating before as he stares into my eyes, making me feel things I've never felt. Right now, in this moment, nothing else matters. Not even this rusty, old radio tower and the near-death experience I had earlier.

"I know I'm not good enough for you," he whispers, touching my face, "but I want to be. I want to be everything you need. The way you're everything I need."

He leans forward, slowly closing the space between us, and finally, pressing his lips to mine. This time, it's not quick and unsure, and it's not interrupted. It's slow, sensual, perfect. I've never experienced anything like this before.

He pulls away, breathing heavily and pressing his forehead to mine. "I can't believe you climbed up here for me."

I laugh kind of awkwardly, the weird mixture of emotions I'm feeling making my head spin.

"But you can't do that again. Not without me," he says sternly.

"Don't worry," I chuckle. "I don't plan to."

__________

"You know, on second thought, I think I'd rather have the couch on this side of the room," grandma says, tapping her finger to her chin as she gives it some more thought.

Aspen looks at me and smirks. I roll my eyes. "Fine," I groan.

Aspen pushes the couch back to the opposite of the room, where it was before.

"Anything else?" I ask grandma, looking around the room.

"I think that should do it for now. Thank you so much for your help," she smiles, hugging me first, then Aspen.

"You're very welcome," Aspen replies. "We're happy to help."

"Sessy, you feel free to bring this handsome boy back by anytime you want," grandma winks at me. "I like him."

Aspen looks at me and smirks. He loves the attention, so I won't give him a hard time about it. Besides, grandma is right. He is handsome and such a treat to look at.

"I will," I chuckle. "We're gonna head back now. Please call me if you need me. I'll see you tomorrow."

After we leave, we start on our way back to New Orleans. It's the night before graduation and there's something bittersweet about it. I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I'll move to a new place, meet new people and learn new things. I'll finish my education and in four more years, I'll be Dr. Cecily Martin. I can hardly wait.

Or can I?

I'm in no rush. While I am excited, I also want to enjoy the ride; the sort of calm before the storm. I want to have fun and experience life before I settle down into a career and start a family.

And that's if I even make it to Baltimore. My grandmother seems fine now, but if August rolls around and I don't feel right about leaving her, then I won't. Nothing is more important to me in this world than her. She's all the family I have. She's the very reason I am who I am. I'd do anything for her, even if she insists she can do it all on her own.

I haven't given much thought to what happens if she's not in good health. I guess I pretty much know what that means for me, so what is there to think about? I'll postpone graduate school, get a job and be there for grandma; the same way she's always been there for me.

Plus, I'll have Aspen with me. Or at least, I think I will. We haven't talked about our future plans or how they will affect our relationship. We also haven't talked about our relationship. I don't know what this is or what Aspen wants it to be. I'm not even exactly sure what I want it to be. All I know is I care about him a lot. I want to spend all my time with him.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Aspen asks, glancing over at me as he drives us along.

"The fact that we graduate in less than twenty-four hours," I tell him.

"You're not nervous about the future are you?" he asks.

"Of course I am. Aren't you?"

He shrugs. "I guess I am. But I don't know, it seems less stressful because of you."

"Because of me?" I ask, smiling like an i***t.

He smiles back, quite bashfully. "Well, I've never really had anyone care much about me before. Now that I do, I feel like life isn't so heavy. Like I can actually breathe."

It feels good to hear someone say you make their life easier, but I can't help wondering if maybe I'm getting in too deep. There's still so much I don't know about Aspen, and there's still so much we haven't talked about. And while I care about him a lot, I can't just let my guard down so easily. We have to get to know each other better. I have to make sure I'm not putting myself in some kind of potentially dangerous situation.

"Was that too much?" he finally asks when I don't say anything.

"Oh...no. It's fine," I chuckle. "I'm glad I can help."

He smiles, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together. While I still have so many questions about how I feel, how he feels and what the hell we're doing, I get caught up in those amazing green eyes when he looks at me...

...and forget about everything else.

"Thank you for coming with me today. I think my grandma might have a crush on you," I smirk at him.

He laughs. "You're grandma is so cool. She's nothing like I expected her to be. I don't know why I expected her to be any different though. You're just like her."

"Really? You think so?" I grin.

He nods. "Of course. The things you say, the way you give people your full, undivided attention when you speak to them, the way you radiate warmth and make people feel...safe. All those things I love about you, I see in your grandma. You're just like her in every way."

"Thank you. I don't think there's anyone else on the planet I'd rather be like," I say, genuinely flattered.

When we make it make to our apartment, we decide to have dinner at Dejavu, the tiny restuarant our duplex sits above.

Lizzy and I used to eat here a lot when we first moved to the French Quarter, but over the years, we come here less and less. The food is good and inexpensive, but there's so much to eat around here, we sort of just looked over this hole in the wall place we live on top of.

"Have you ever eaten here before?" I ask Aspen while we wait for our food.

"Nope, this is my first time. Weird, right? It's so close," he chuckles.

"Not weird, actually. I was just thinking, Lizzy and I haven't eaten here in a while."

"Is the food bad?" he asks.

"No, no. Nothing like that. I guess we just always go somewhere else- somewhere in the city or on Bourbon. We walk right past this little place every single day and almost never come inside."

He looks around, taking it all in- from the video game style slot machines in the corner, to the wall to wall Mardi Gras themed decor. "It's really cool though. You know, I really like it here. Not this place. I mean, I do like this place, but I mean New Orleans in general."

"What made you want to come here anyway?" I ask.

He makes a face that lets me know he doesn't really want to talk about it. I don't want to push him to tell me anything he's not ready to talk about, but if we want to have any sort of real future together, I've got to know more about him. Even things that he's been hiding from everyone else.

"Let's just say...it was all by chance. After I...recovered from what happened at the end of last year, I knew I couldn't stay at Tech. Everyone knew me, and they knew what happened to me. I didn't want to face them anymore, so I left. At first, I was just going to drop out of college altogether, but...I was so close to finishing. I was so close to finally having something good in my life. So...I talked with a counselor and he told me to transfer to a new school to finish out my degree. There wasn't a whole lot of options since most schools wouldn't take a transfer so late in the semester and even fewer schools that offered the courses I needed in order to finish. I narrowed it down to three schools and just picked the one with the most interesting atmosphere."

"Well, no matter how you got here, I'm so proud of you for moving to a new city, a new school and finishing what you started. I know it couldn't have been easy for you, but you'll be glad you went through all this tomorrow when you walk across that stage as a college graduate," I tell him.

He smiles, and this time, it reaches his eyes. I've seen Aspen smile a lot over the past few weeks, but only a handful of times did it look genuine. This is one of those times.

"I know this may sound kind of lame, but it's nice to hear someone say they are proud of me. I never had any kind of consistent support in my life and I keep thinking...if I did...things could've turned out a lot differently for me. But then again, maybe things turned out the way they did for a reason. Maybe I was supposed to live a hard life, void of any kind of love or emotion."

"Why would you say that?" I ask.

His eyes soften as they look into mine. "I've been through a lot in my life; things I wish I never had to go through. But if I had never went through those things, I never would've ended up here. And I never would've met you. I'd go through everything all over again just to end up right here, across the table from the most beautiful, amazing person I've ever met."

Wow.

I'm stunned.

"Sessy?" he asks when I seem to stop working.

"Sorry, it's just..."

"Too much?" he asks.

"No...not that. I just can't believe that you think so much of me. That you feel like...you could go through everything you've been through again just to meet me."

"Since you came into my life, nothing has been the same, Sessy," he says, making my heart race. "I'm becoming the man I always wanted to be because of you."

The tears fill my eyes without warning and though I try to blink them away, a few of them escape and roll down my cheeks. There's still a lot I don't know about Aspen and there's still something in the back of my mind, cautioning me to be careful. I don't know how or even if this will work out into the future, if I'll be the wife and mother of Aspen's dreams. But sitting across from him right now, seeing the venerability in his eyes, hearing the hope and resilience in his voice, it makes me want to keep hanging on, no matter how hard or impossible it may seem.