The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 14- The Only One

"Oh my God, I have literally been dying for you to wake up!" Lizzy says excitedly when I enter the kitchen.

"Why?" I yawn, walking over to the coffee machine.

"Why?!" she asks, like I should be able to read her mind. "How about because you spent the whole night making out with Aspen in the limo!"

I silently pour my coffee, trying to think of something to say. That's not exactly what happened, but I can see why she would think that. Lizzy and Drake just happened to get into the limo at the exact same time Aspen kissed me last night. We weren't making out, it was just a kiss. A very drunken kiss that lasted all of two seconds.

Aspen and I rode home in silence and went our separate ways without so much as a goodnight.

I won't let myself get upset about it though. He was drunk. He was in his feelings. People do stuff like that when the alcohol and emotions start mixing together. He probably won't remember it today and we can go on with our lives as normal.

"Hello? Are you seriously not going to tell me about it?!" Lizzy asks.

I continue to ignore her, adding sugar and cream to my coffee and stirring it up.

"Wait...did he do something?" she asks.

I turn around, furrowing my brows. "Do something?"

"Was he not a good kisser? Did he call you someone else's name? Did his breath smell?"

I sigh dramatically, sitting down at the kitchen table across from her. "No, nothing like that."

"Then why are you acting like this is no big deal?" she asks.

"Because it's not a big deal," I shrug. "He was drunk. He didn't mean anything by it."

She looks at me like I'm the biggest i***t she's ever encountered. "He didn't mean anything by it? Seriously? Sess, the guy has been glued to your side since day one. He practically worships the ground you walk on. You really expect me to believe he didn't mean anything by it?"

"He was drunk," I say again.

"So what?! Drunk Aspen only did what sober Aspen was too afraid to do!"

"Listen, Liz...he was drunk, he was in his feelings, he was being weird all night. There's nothing to-"

I pause when we hear a commotion coming from Drake and Aspen's apartment next door. At first, it's only yelling, but after a few seconds, we hear a loud crash.

Lizzy and I jump to our feet and run for the front door. We hurry over to Aspen and Drake's apartment but before we get the chance to knock on the door, Aspen comes crashing through the it, storming right past us without saying a word.

"Aspen!" I call out, starting after him.

He doesn't stop, so I don't keep following him. Maybe he needs some time to cool off. And I need to figure out what all this is about before I get myself involved in something I don't want to be a part of.

"Oh my God, Tristan! Are you okay?" Lizzy asks, turning my attention to Tristan, who is standing at the door, holding his b****y nose.

"I'll be fine," he chuckles.

"Here you go, bro," Drake says, handing his brother an ice pack.

"What the hell just happened?" Lizzy asks Drake.

Drake gives his brother a look.

Tristan sighs. "It's my fault. I said something he didn't like and he got angry. I guess Drake wasn't lying when he said Aspen is quick tempered."

"What did you say?" I ask him.

He gives me a look, one that sends a message right away, but before he can answer me, Drake jumps in. "It was nothing. You know how Aspen is- he's as unpredictable as the New Orleans weather."

Judging by Tristan's expression, whatever he said must've triggered Aspen. He was already acting so strange last night, what if he does something crazy? What if...

No...

I can't even think that way.

"I need to go find him," I say, hurrying away before any of them have the chance to stop me.

I stop by my apartment and grab my phone, calling Aspen up on the way out the door. He doesn't answer, but I didn't expect him to. So I send him a text instead.

Me: Hey! Will you please call me? You don't have to tell me what happened, I just want to make sure you're okay.

He took off on foot, so he couldn't have gotten far. I get in my car and drive down every street of the French Quarter, looking for any sign of him. I check my phone at every crosswalk, hoping to get a text back, but still, there's nothing.

I pull over next to the St. Louis Cemetery, almost ready to break down in tears. I care so much about Aspen, more than he could ever know. I know he's never had anyone in his life before, but it doesn't have to always be that way. I could be there for him.

I want to be there for him.

Giving up for now, I decide to start for Slidell to visit my grandmother. She'll get to come home from the hospital tomorrow and just in time to see me graduate on Tuesday night.

I crank up my music, roll down the windows and try to get my mind off things for a while. Aspen will be fine, once he cools off. He'll see my text and he'll know he has someone if he wants to talk. No reason to worry.

I arrive at the hospital, still in my pajamas and my hair a mess. Grandma will understand. After all, this is a normal weekend look for me.

I knock on her door and open it before she has a chance to answer. "Grandma....are you decent?"

"Yes, baby, come on in!" she says excitedly.

I walk into her room, closing the door behind me. She gives me a look when I sit down next to her bed.

"I hope the reason you came up in here looking like you don't own a comb is because you had too much fun last night," she says, making me chuckle.

"Actually, I left kind of...abruptly. Aspen had a disagreement with his roommate's brother and left angry. I was looking for him before I came here."

"Did you find him? Is he okay?" she asks.

"I don't know. I didn't find him and he's not answering my texts or calls," I sigh. "He's...kind of in a bad place right now. I'm not sure what the fight was about, but he looked so angry when he left. I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid."

"Did you at least have fun at the formal?" she asks. "I never got any pictures."

"Oh! Right...pictures. Lizzy and I took some together before we left but...I never really got around to taking any of me and Aspen," I tell her.

"What?!" she gasps. "Oh, but I bet he looked so handsome!"

"He did. He was very handsome," I smile. It quickly fades when I remember the kiss we shared last night.

It was barely even a kiss, but now I feel like it's changed everything. He's not talking to me anymore. Could that be why? Does he feel like he can't come to me because I let him cross a line I never should've let him cross?

Relationships don't always turn out bad, but in my experience, and the experiences of those closest to me, they usually do. Things change when feelings get involved. The dynamic of the relationship shifts and all of a sudden, you realize the person you love is no longer there. It's just a version of them- a version that circumstances turned them into.

"Sessy?" Grandma says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you had a good time," she says.

"Well, I didn't not have a good time. I was definitely hoping it would have turned out better though."

"Why?" she asks, taking my hand.

"Well...Aspen...he kissed me last night. It was a quick kiss, since Lizzy interrupted us, but now...I think it's changed things between us," I sigh.

"That's usually what happens," she smirks.

I chuckle. "I mean things changed for the worse. I think maybe he feels like he can't talk to me like he used to because things are changing between us. But I don't want that. I might be the only person in his life who truly cares about him."

"Does he not have any family?" she asks.

I shake my head. "He grew up in the foster system."

I can see it in her eyes. She wants to know more, but she knows it's none of her business. I would never betray Aspen's trust, even if I know for a fact grandma would never tell another soul. But I really need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling; someone who would understand and not pass judgement.

"I think... maybe I'm starting to have feelings for him," I finally say out loud to someone else.

She smiles. "Starting to? Honey, I knew that the minute you started talking about him. Oh, he's so handsome. He's so funny. He's so sweet. And meeting him last night, seeing the way your eyes practically lit up for the boy? That right there confirmed it for me."

"Wow. Is it really that obvious?"

"To me. But then again, I know everything about you, Miss Sessy. I raised you since you were just a baby. I know when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're angry or frustrated. It's a blessing to have someone in your life who knows you that well. And it sounds to me like you may be the only person who knows Aspen well enough to get to him when he's stuck in a rut," she says.

I nod, forcing myself to smile. I know she's right, but some part of me doesn't really want her to be. I don't want be all Aspen has. I don't want that kind of responsibility in my life when I already have so many other things going on. I also don't want him to have no one. He deserves to have at least one person in his corner.

But if I have feelings for him, maybe I'm not the best person for him to go to anymore. It will eventually complicate things, especially when I leave for Baltimore. It may even make things worse.

So what do I do?

I visit with grandma for a couple of hours before I start back for New Orleans. I take my time, driving well below the speed limit for once in my life, and allowing my mind to run wild.

I really, really like Aspen a lot. If our situation were different, if I wasn't about to move hundreds of miles away for the next four years, I would have cuffed him up right away. But I've always been a logical thinker. I know getting involved with someone at this point in my life is a bad idea. Especially someone with as many relationship red flags as Aspen.

It would end badly. It would make his already hard life even harder. And I could never be okay with making his life harder.

I've got to tell him that. He's got to know that while I have no problem being there for him, being his friend and offering him my help when he needs it, it can't turn romantic. The two seconds it did has already done enough damage. I don't even want to know what would happen if things went any further.

When I make it back to my apartment, I see Drake's car parked out on the street. I hurry to his door and knock, hoping Aspen has returned home by now.

Drake answers after a few seconds. "Hey Sess. What's up?"

"Have you heard from Aspen since he left?"

"No. Have you?"

"No. I've texted and called him, but he's not responding. I'm really worried," I say, starting to panic. I just have a feeling in my gut that something's wrong.

"He hasn't been back since he left this morning and he's not answering my calls either. I have no idea where he could be," he says, giving me a sympathetic look.

"Okay thanks," I sigh in defeat, turning to walk away.

I sit down on the steps in front of our building and prop my chin on my hands. Where the hell is he? Why is he ignoring me? Does he regret the kiss? Is he going to cut me out of his life?

My heart aches at the mere thought of it. He's part of my life now. I don't understand these confusing feelings I have for him, but I know I care about him. And I worry about him.

And I wish I could see him; just make sure he's okay.

A car rides past me with the windows rolled down and the radio turned up. I can hear every word of Swampwater Sam's Used Cars and Trucks ad, as clear as day.

I didn't even know people still listen to the radio anymore.

Wait...

The radio....

I jump to my feet and hurry out to my car. I drive as fast as I can, trying to remember exactly where it was Aspen took me the night we climbed the radio tower. It's a place in town I'm not very familiar with, but I have to find it. I know Aspen's there.

I'm the only one who knows.