The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 20- I Won’t Run

It's my first time back in the French Quarter in four long weeks. I'm able to walk on my own now and when Aspen offered to take grandma and I out to dinner to celebrate my successful recovery, I knew exactly where I wanted to go.

"This place is interesting," Grandma says, looking around after we take out seats at Dejavu, the small, hole in the wall restaurant below our apartments.

"It's not much to look at, but the food is amazing here," I tell her.

"I bet you two came here a lot, huh?" she smirks, looking between me and Aspen.

"Actually, no. We came here only once together," Aspen answers. "For some reason, we just never thought to come here, even though we passed by the place every day."

"There's a lot of good places to eat in the French Quarter. This is just one of many," I add.

"Nothing is the same as it used to be. For as rich in history as this place is, businesses seem to come and go. I can remember when I was a girl, there were places that black people could eat at and places white people could eat it," Grandma says.

Aspen looks perplexed. "Really?"

"Have you never heard of segregation?" I ask him.

"Yes, but...I guess I never really thought much about it," he shrugs. "I know racism exists everywhere, but to think about a time when people of different races weren't allowed to eat at the same place..."

"I grew up in that time," Grandma sighs. "There were good white people out there, of course, but they were only good when no one else was looking. For the most part, we were ignored altogether, but sometimes, we were harassed, threatened or even chased out of town."

"That's horrible," Aspen frowns. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"Don't be. All of that made me who I am today. I made my mind up a long time ago that I was gonna love people, regardless of color, status, or any of that. And I taught my son the same, as well as Sessy. When my son married Sessy's mother, who was white, I accepted her right away because she was a good person. She loved my son well. Her family never accepted him or Sessy, but it's their loss."

Aspen looks at me and smiles. "It's definitely their loss."

"But enough about that. I just want to enjoy my time with you before you leave next month," Grandma smiles at me.

Aspen and I share a look. I still haven't told her that I'm planning to stay here and I don't think now is the time I want to open that can of worms.

I clear my throat to buy some time. "Yeah, we should be-"

"Which reminds me, what do you two plan to do once that happens?" grandma asks, looking between us.

Aspen looks at me like he has no idea what to say. Unfortunately, I don't either.

"Well, for now, we're just enjoying our time together too," I finally answer, sounding stupid to my own ears. She's definitely going to see right through me.

Grandma furrows her brows in confusion at first. I'm afraid she's about to ask more questions, but thankfully, our waitress brings our food out. Grandma's attention is diverted to the shrimp etouffee and away from my impending departure.

After a nice dinner and a quick stroll down Bourbon Street, Aspen drives us back to Slidell. Grandma is worn out from a long, fun day, so she heads straight to bed when we get home.

Aspen waits around for me to shower and get ready for bed myself. He's been sticking around here a lot lately, helping to take care of me, of course, but I feel like it's not just that. He wants to tell me something. What, I don't know, but I can see it all over his face every time he looks at me. I don't know if it's good or bad, or why he's struggling to say what he wants to say. I think he should know by now, he can tell me anything. Even if it's not something I want to hear.

When I crawl into bed next to him, he looks up at me and smiles. "You smell so good."

"Thanks," I chuckle. "Showers are known for that."

He laughs along with me, sitting up and leaning against my headboard. Something is heavy on his mind tonight; more so than usual. He almost looks...stressed out.

I take his hand and snuggle into him. Every time I do something like this, Aspen pauses for two or three seconds, like he doesn't quite know what to do. Eventually though, he melts into me and holds me tight. And there's nothing better than being in his arms.

Except this time, he doesn't do that.

I pull away from him and sit up. "Everything okay?

"Yeah, everything is fine," he replies without hesitation.

I meet his eyes and I can tell he's lying to me right away. What I don't understand is how, after all this time, after everything we've been through, he's still afraid to tell me things.

"I got a job offer today," he says, breaking the silent tension between us.

"That's great. Where?" I ask.

He pauses and exhales through his nose. "Miami."

I can only stare at him with a mixture of emotions I don't have time to dissect. The most intense of them all is hurt. If he leaves me, I'm not sure how I'll react to that. I want him to do what he wants, to help kids in the foster system, kids who need him. It's such an amazing opportunity. The selfish part of me though...

"That's great," I force myself to say, already fighting back tears.

"I'm not taking it," he says, flooding my heart with relief, though I try not to let it show.

"Why not?"

He looks at me like I'm crazy to ask such a thing. "Because. You're here, not in Miami."

I smile. "Dr. Sturgis is helping me to apply to some local places. Maybe she can help you out too."

"What do you mean? You want to get a job? Already?" he asks, like that's absurd.

"In case you didn't notice, I had a job. But that kind of job won't pay the bills here, so I need to be thinking bigger."

"You should be heading to Baltimore," he says, looking away from me. "Your dream is to become a doctor. And you're so close. It doesn't make sense to stop now."

"It does, actually. My Grandma needs me. I won't leave her like this, no matter what she has to say about it. I'll just put John Hopkins off long enough to make sure she's going to be okay without me. After that..."

"Maybe I should hold out for a job in Baltimore," he smirks at me.

I smile. Really smile. Nothing would make me happier than Aspen coming to Baltimore with me. "You would...really do that?"

"Are you kidding? I'd follow you anywhere. There's going to be foster kids no matter where we live. I can do what I was meant to do and be with the woman I was meant to be with."

"Really?" I deadpan.

He laughs, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. His former stoic demeanor slowly fades away, just like it always does. In the time that I've known Aspen, he's always good for throwing me for a loop. I never know for sure what he's thinking, but I know what he's feeling. Sometimes, little moments like these make him smile, even when he's not in the mood to smile. And sometimes, he can be distant and defensive.

"What do you do for money? I mean, you always seem to have it, but you don't have a job. I thought you came from money when I first met you, but I know that's not the case."

He's silent for a long time, making me regret ever asking something so intrusive. I just feel like if we're going to be together, we should know things about each other. If he feels he needs to hide things from me, then this won't work. I want honestly. I want trust.

"I'm sorry if this hits a nerve with you, but at some point, you've got to tell me things," I say, getting frustrated with him.

"Sessy, please..."

"Why would you feel like you need to hide anything from me?" I ask him, not backing down on this, even though that look in his eyes tells me I should.

He doesn't say a word, just keeps staring me down with his jaw clenched tightly.

I sigh and pull away from him, getting up slowly from the bed. My right hip has been giving me fits all day, so I plan to take something for pain and pass out for about twelve hours.

I go into the bathroom and fix myself a cup of water so I can swallow my pill.

"I stole it."

Aspen's sudden appearance in the bathroom doorway, along with his confession, startles me so badly I drop my cup into the sink, splashing water everywhere.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says, grabbing the hand towel off the hanger next to the sink and handing it to me.

"Thanks," I reply, cleaning up my mess.

I don't ask about what he just said. Mostly because I'm afraid to. I just refill my cup and swallow my pill.

Aspen hops on the counter and leans back against the wall, nervously rubbing his hands together.

I wait for him to say something, but when he doesn't, I feel the need to.

"You don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to."

"You're right though. I shouldn't keep anything from you. I want to have a future with you, so I guess you need to know how I ended up here. I'm just afraid that if I tell you, you'll only run from me."

"I won't run," I tell him seriously, standing in front of him and taking his hands into mine. "I've told you that over and over. Whatever you've done, it doesn't matter to me. I'm in love with who you are now. I'm in love with the man you've become."

It's not until his eyes suddenly change that I realize what I just said, out loud. I immediately start to panic, but Aspen only pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight.

"I love you too, Cecily," he whispers. "And I hope you still love me after you know everything."

I pull away with a tearful smile. "I promise you, I will."

He takes a deep breath, staring down at our joined hands for a long while. When he looks back up at me, I know whatever he's about to tell me is bad. I can see it all over his face.

"I murdered my parents."