The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 21- A Second Chance

****TRIGGER WARNING*****

This chapter contains references to murder and suicide. Proceed with caution!

"A couple of years ago, I found my birth mom. Her name was Lorraine Battle. She was a d**g addict living on the streets of Las Vegas when I found her. She was happy to see me, but for all the wrong reasons. She wanted to pimp me out for money."

"What?!" I gasp.

He nods, squeezing his eyes shut. "When I realized it was a huge mistake finding her, I asked her where my father was. I hoped that maybe...he wasn't as much of a disappointment. She gave me his info and a few months later, I tracked him down in Denver. He was a real estate tycoon, worth millions. It made me wonder why he gave me up if he had the means to take care of me. Then I found out I was just a consequence from a drunken night with a p********e. My mother told him she was pregnant with me and he turned her away, since he was married with a family already."

I pull him into my arms and hold him tight. My fears start to melt away and change into sympathy. I can't imagine what it must've been like to learn you came from such a scandalous situation.

"I thought he would be excited to meet me. I thought he would be proud of what I had accomplished. He wasn't though. He just asked me how much money I wanted. At first, I told him I didn't want anything from him. I didn't need his money. But the more I thought about it, the more it all just....ate me alive. I went to his place one night, last year. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to know why it was okay for him to abandon me, but take care of his other two children. He got angry and violent. He threatened to kill me if I didn't go away and leave his family alone."

He sniffles, so I hug him even tighter, kissing his forehead.

"My mom said we should make him pay for what he did to us. She got in my head and made me think he was the enemy...that he was to blame for the hard life I had lived. So...I went with her to his house with a couple of her no good friends. I should've known better, but I was so angry. At the time, I thought I wanted him to suffer...."

He starts to break down, making me feel bad for ever bringing this up. I'm just about to tell him he doesn't have to tell me anything else when he continues.

"My mom put the g*n in my hand....she told me he deserved it, that he took everything from us while he continued to live in luxury. My father...he begged for his life...he offered us money, he swore he'd do anything we wanted...I thought that's what we came for, so I was ready to take his money and leave. But my mom didn't want to just leave. She kept insisting that...he didn't deserve to live. So I...I shot him in the stomach. Then she screamed at me, telling me I was just like him, that I was a coward. She snatched the g*n away from me and attempted to finish him off herself, but I stopped her. We struggled for the g*n a while before it went off and shot her."

He pauses, taking a deep breath. He's trembling, as if going back to that night is taking a toll on him. I'm sure it is.

"The guys who were with us panicked and fled, leaving me alone. I panicked too. I became aware of what I'd done and...I tried to take myself out too. Only, I wasn't successful. I woke up in the hospital the next day to the news that my biological parents were dead. For some reason, those guys who were with us that night told police the truth, that my mom hired them to rob and kill the man she claimed was her son's father. They told them she forced me to shoot my father before I turned the g*n on her. I was never charged and eventually, I was released from the hospital to return to my normal life. But...when I got back to Texas, no one wanted anything to do with me. I was treated like a criminal, a pariah. I don't think I had ever hit such a low point in all my life..."

He takes a few seconds to pull himself together. I can see the turmoil still raging in his eyes. This has been tearing him apart for months and until today, he hasn't been able to talk about it. So he was never able to start healing from it.

"I didn't think I deserved to live. I didn't want to anymore. No matter how right my life seemed to be going before all that, none of it was enough to move on from what I had done. I didn't think I would ever escape it. I didn't think anyone would ever see me as anything other than an unhinged murderer. I...I stole a friend's car one night...I drove out to the middle of nowhere and...I...I slit my throat."

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. I've noticed Aspen's scar on his neck before, but I've never dared to ask him about it. Hearing him say it, and knowing how helpless he must of felt...

"Again, I didn't die. I woke up in the hospital after a two week coma. I knew then, I wasn't supposed to die. There was some reason for me to be here, I just couldn't figure out what that reason was," he says, looking up at me, his green eyes more vulnerable than I've ever seen them. "You are that reason, Sessy. I knew it the moment we met. We were meant to find each other. You are the one person in this world I can count on. And I've never been able to count on anyone before."

I can't hold back the tears another second. I hug him tight, running my fingers through his hair. "You'll aways have me. Always. You never have to run away again."

He presses his lips to mine and kisses me slowly. Now that he's got nothing to hide from me, he stops holding back and kisses me with everything he has. There's a tangible shift between us, the result of a lot of walls crashing down. I've never felt so close to someone before, so connected.

While things start to heat up, Aspen suddenly pulls away from me to catch his breath.

My eyes widen when I see the outline of his boner through his light gray basketball shorts. He quickly covers himself when he sees that I've noticed.

"Sorry," he laughs nervously. "I guess I got a bit too into it."

"It's okay," I chuckle, just as nervous as he is.

"Don't worry, I won't do something like that in your grandmother's house," he says, sitting up and adjusting his shorts.

"I would hope not," I laugh.

"We don't have to do anything until you're ready," he says, pulling me back into his arms. "I don't mind waiting."

I know he doesn't mind waiting, but how long will it be before things get physical? We've been hanging out for a while. We've gotten very close. We've admitted our feelings for each other. I know I want to give myself to him, but I'm terrified. I have no idea what to expect. I've heard the first time hurts. I've also heard that s*x changes the dynamic of relationships.

"Sessy?" Aspen asks when I don't say anything.

"Sorry. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

I look up and meet his beautiful eyes. They're still so vulnerable, so mesmerizing. "You."

He smiles lovingly, making my heart flutter. I've never had anyone look at me this way before, but I've always dreamed of it. I always hoped I'd find my Prince Charming someday- someone who did everything right and treated me like a princess. After meeting Aspen though, I'm certain it was never a perfect Prince Charming that I needed. I just needed someone who looked at me like I'm all he sees.

The same way Aspen is looking at me right now.

I lean forward and kiss him again, this time, I’m not holding back. Aspen rolls over so he's somewhat laying on top of me. He holds my face in his hands and kisses me soft and slow, as if he's savoring the moment.

"Tell me you love me, Cecily," he whispers right next to my ear, sending a shiver all the way down my spine.

The moment is so intense, it almost feels like we're in a dream. It's like nothing else exists but us.

"I love you," I whisper, touching his face as he meets my eyes.

He smiles, his eyes lighting up in a way I've never seen before. He lays next to me and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my back against his chest.

Being in his arms like this feels so right; so safe and warm. What he's revealed to me tonight has been a mind blower for sure, but after what Aspen has been through, he doesn't need another person telling him how damaged and demented he is for what he's done. He didn't try to justify himself, although it seems to me like what happened wasn't even his fault. His mother forced him to shoot his father and he only accidentally shot his mother.

It sounds like I might be the one trying to justify what happened. It seems like a story that should've made national news, but I've never heard of anything like that recently. And how was he able to get away with such a thing? Or did he?

I'm torturing myself with these thoughts and my pain killers are starting to kick in. I decide to clear my head of everything else and just close my eyes. I'll revisit all this again tomorrow.

I'm just about to fall asleep when Aspen tightens his grip on me.

"I'll never run from you again, Cecily. I promise."

I smile and allow myself to drift off to sleep.

Unfortunately, Aspen's dark revelation makes it hard for me to stay asleep. I keep waking up, his confession being the first and only thing on my mind. I feel the need to dissect it, figure it out and see if there are any missing pieces. I want to trust him, but I'm finding it hard to do that. Has he told me everything? Am I putting myself in danger by being with him?

Something tells me I'm already in too deep. It doesn't matter if anything is missing from his story. I've fallen in love with him. I promised him I'd be here for him and that he'd always have me. If he's telling me the whole truth, then it seems like he's ready to leave his dark past behind and start over.

And everyone deserves a second chance.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please text 988 for support.