The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 5- Find the Why

"Ugh, I'm having dreams about the periodic table. I'm so ready for this exam to be over with so I don't have to think anymore," Aspen groans, leaning back in his chair.

"So you don't plan on thinking after college? That's just over?" I smirk at him.

"I promise I won't be thinking about Chemistry. I won't even need it in life, so why do I have to learn it?"

"To pass college," I remind him.

"Good point," he sighs, closing his chemistry book. "Can we please be done for the day? All this knowledge is giving me a headache."

"Yeah, I think we're good. We'll pick back up tomorrow," I say, starting to gather my things.

"What are your plans for tonight?" Aspen asks.

"Uh, I don't know. Probably more studying. I have my history exam tomorrow."

"Oh, okay. What about tomorrow night?" he asks.

I stand up and pull my backpack straps over my shoulders. "Tomorrow night?"

He nods, watching me expectantly.

"More studying?" I shrug.

He rolls his eyes, making a face. "All you do is study! Let's do something fun!"

"Okay...what do you want to do?" I ask.

He takes a second to give it some thought, tapping his finger to his chin. His dirty blonde hair falls over his eyes and he puckers his lips out to blow it away. "Let's go swimming! It's blazing hot out and Drake's brother has a pool."

"You want to go swimming?" I repeat, feeling the joy being sucked right out of my body.

I'm not a fun in the sun kind of girl. It's too hot, my skin burns easily, my hair will be a mess for days, but worst of all, I loathe the way I look in a swimsuit.

Aspen must catch on to my lack of enthusiasm. He gives me a concerned look, as if he knows I have my reasons for not wanting to go. "Or, we can do something else. Anything is more fun than studying."

I chuckle. "You're right."

"If you could do anything you wanted to do, what would it be?" he asks, chewing his bottom lip.

He's always chewing his lip, fidgeting with his hands, popping his knuckles. Those are all tell tale signs of anxiety. He could probably use some fun. I probably could too.

"I've always wanted to ride go carts," I say.

His eyes light up, widening with excitement. "I love go carts! You've seriously never ridden one before?"

"Nope. Never."

"Then let's go! We can go to Pier Park tomorrow!"

He's so excited. He must really need this. Sometimes I get so caught up in my day to day routine that I forget to stop and smell the flowers, as my grandmother would say. If it goes on for too long, I start to stress, doing all the things Aspen is doing that give away his anxiety. We need some fun and we need it in high doses.

"Okay, sounds good," I smile. "Well, I've got to get going. I'll see you tomorrow, Aspen."

"Wait, let me walk you home," he says, quickly gathering his things together.

"Don't you have class soon?" I ask him.

"Yes, but I can make it back in time," he shrugs.

"I've been walking home alone for years. I think I can handle it today too. Just go to class."

He actually looks disappointed. Our apartment building is about six blocks from the library though and I'd hate for him to walk all that way, just to turn around and come back a few minutes later.

He does seem a bit off today though. Maybe he needs someone. Maybe that's why he's suggesting it- not so much for me, but for himself.

"You know what? On second thought, we've been having a lot of trouble with the dead bolt on our door. You might be able to fix it for me," I say.

He perks up, smiling adorably. "Okay! I'll be happy to take a look at it for you."

We walk back to my apartment, talking about go carts and other fun things to do before we leave New Orleans. The more I hang out with Aspen, the more I notice about him. Little things; things most people wouldn't see. I've already noticed his nervous fidgeting, but he's also very clingy. Not that I'm complaining. Aside from the fact that he's complete eye candy, he's also really funny and I have a lot of fun hanging out with him. But he's clinging to me specifically, and no one else, not even his roommate.

It can mean one of two things. One- he's into me, which seems unlikely. Two- he feels a sense of safety with me that maybe he hasn't felt with anyone else since he's been here.

I'm a compassionate person with a big heart. All I want to do in my life is help other people, in any way I possibly can. I see all the ugly in the world, all the coldness and callousness, but I see the beauty in it too. And I see others like me, who have a calling to make the world a better place.

Others like Aspen.

When we make it to my door, I take my key out and start demonstrating the problem with the dead bolt to Aspen. I pause and furrow my brows when I hear moaning coming from inside our apartment. Aspen looks at me and smirks when he hears it too.

Lizzy is a wild one that can't be tamed, so I'm not all that surprised. But it's the middle of the day on a Wednesday for crying out loud.

"I apologize for that," I grimace. "Although, I'm sure you're used to it, living with Drake."

He chuckles. "Yeah, Drake gets around. I don't understand that kind of behavior, but to each his own, I guess."

"You don't do the hook up thing?" I ask him while he carefully examines the lock.

"No, and I never will. s*x loses its meaning when you experience it with multiple partners. Drake doesn't see it that way though. He's perfectly fine with never having any actual intimacy, as long as he feels good for now."

Wow. I just knew someone as cute as Aspen would be getting laid on a regular basis. After getting to know him better though, I can see why he doesn't. He's very reserved and doesn't seem to be interested in parties or social scenes.

"What, you don't agree?" he asks when I don't say anything.

"Yes, of course I agree. Obviously, Lizzy doesn't though."

He laughs, snapping the lock into place and smiling victoriously. "There! It's fixed!"

"Thank you so much!" I say, jumping into his arms before I even realize what I'm doing.

But he doesn't hesitate to hug me back. In fact, he seems to hold onto me for as long as he can. It's a good hug. A really, really good hug. And he smells so good.

I'm not sure how long we've been standing here when the door opens and Drake looks between us like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Aspen and Sessy?" he asks, furrowing his brows, the surprise of seeing the two of us together obviously more important than whether or not we know what he was up to in there.

"Oh hey...Drake," Aspen replies, pulling away from me. "Did you have a good lunch break?"

Drake smirks, c*****g one of his thick, dark eyebrows, making him look like a villain from a Disney movie. "It was extra good today, my friend. Got me a little side of marinara dipping sauce."

My stomach turns at the insinuation. I cover my mouth and turn away from him in case I'm about to vomit right here, right now. That was a disgusting thing to say.

"Jesus, dude! What the hell?!" Aspen asks him, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"You asked," he shrugs, walking past us.

"And it's moments like this that make me think I won't miss this place all that much," I sigh, going into my apartment with Aspen following behind me.

"Drake is just like my high school buddies back in Texas. They all talked a big game to seem cool, but in reality, it's just a big game. He didn't really do that, he only said it to get a reaction out of us," Aspen explains.

"Sess, do you have anymore strawberry ice cream? I'm on my period and I'm super hungry," Lizzy groans, walking through the living room and into the kitchen in nothing but an oversized t-shirt.

Aspen and I share a look, totally disgusted. "Just a big game, huh?" I ask him.

"Yeah, this place is gross," he grimaces. "Anyways, I've got to get to class. I'll see you tomorrow, if not before then."

"Okay, thanks for walking with me. I'm kind of glad you did now, so I wouldn't have to witness all this college fun alone," I wink.

He chuckles. "Anytime, Sess...Sessi..."

"It's Cecily. Sess as in Success. And ily as in-"

"I love you."

I pause, wondering if I heard him right. "What?"

"Ily as in I love you," he repeats.

"Oh," I breathe in relief. "Right. Think you can remember that?"

"I hope so. It's embarrassing that we're best friends and I still can't pronounce your name."

"We're best friends?" I smirk at him.

He shrugs, smiling innocently.

"How long have you guys been here? I thought you were tutoring at the library?" Lizzy asks, walking into the living room with my strawberry ice cream, eating straight from the carton like some kind of barbarian.

"We were at the library, but then Aspen wanted to walk me home after we got done and here we are," I explain. "I guess we got here a few minutes ago."

She goes as stiff as a statue and all the color drains from her already pale face.

"Aspen was fixing our dead bolt when Drake came out," I add.

She hangs her head, staring at the floor in horror. "So, I guess...you heard things..."

"We heard lots of things, yes," Aspen says. "Things we didn't want to hear. Things that will scar us for life."

"But to be fair, a lot of things we've seen and heard in college will scar us for life," I smirk at Lizzy.

"None more than this though," Aspen says, trying to hold back his laughter.

"Okay, well...Aspen, it was nice meeting you, but I'm going to be hiding from you for the next two weeks and then hopefully never see you again for as long as I live. You have a nice life, okay?" Lizzy says before hurrying away to her bedroom.

After she's gone, Aspen and I erupt in laughter. The past few minutes have been strange, gross, disgusting and hilarious. And it makes me realize this is how I want to spend my last few weeks here in New Orleans. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I haven't let my guard down long enough to make a new friend, but here I am, with Aspen, creating a college memory that will last a lifetime.

____

"Miss Martin, I was wondering if I might speak with you before you go," Professor Sturgis says as I'm leaving her classroom.

"Sure," I reply, moving out of the foot traffic near the exit. "Is this about my exam?"

"No, no. I'm sure you did just fine. There's something I wanted to ask you," she says, taking her black framed glasses off and hanging them on the pocket of her black blazer.

"Okay."

"I host SSG meetings every Thursday night, but my wife is nine months pregnant with our first child and she's due any day now. I hate to cancel at the last minute, but her contractions have been closer and stronger today. Professor Mitchell said you were great in the summer support group campaign last year. Would you be interested in filling in for me tonight? I know it's last minute, but I couldn't think of anyone else I trusted enough to fill the spot. It's an important group and you came highly recommended by Professor Mitchell."

"I'm sorry, the SSG? I'm not sure what that is," I say, furrowing my brows in confusion. "Is it a campus support group?"

She nods. "It's a campus Suicide Support Group."

My heart sinks. Am I ready for something like that? I know she said it was important, but I don't feel I'm qualified to take on something so heavy. What if I say something wrong? What if I cause someone to spiral out of control? My heart is pounding at just the thought of it.

"It's a lot to ask, I know. I wouldn't if I didn't absolutely feel it necessary. If you can't, I can call off the meeting for this week. They will understand," she says when I can't seem to respond.

"I would love to help, but I know nothing about that. I mean I...I wouldn't really know where to start."

"The beauty of a support group is that you don't have to have a fancy agenda. These people just need someone to be there for them, to listen to them and make them feel validated. It could be a great start to some actual field work for you," she says.

I nod, thinking it over. I really want to do it, but I'm afraid to take on such an important task with so little experience. I know in my heart it's the right thing to do. This is what I was made for. This is what I do best.

"Okay," I finally reply, blowing out a nervous breath. "I'll do it."

"You are a life saver! Thank you so, so much! I promise, I'll dance at your wedding!" she exclaims, overly relieved. "Everyone meets in the conference room in Eden Hall at 6pm. Like I said, there's no agenda, just people who need a listening ear. There's not many participants, so it shouldn't be too overwhelming. They may be a little apprehensive with someone new at first, so start off sharing something about yourself with them, something personal, to let them know you can be trusted. And this goes without saying, but you can't speak a word to anyone about who attends the meeting or what is said during the meeting. Everything is strictly confidential."

I nod. "Of course. I'll be there at six. Congrats on the baby, by the way!"

"Thank you," she smiles.

I leave her classroom with a heavy feeling on my chest. I want to do this so badly, but I'm afraid I won't be good at it or that I'll mess up somehow. Still, it's my calling to be there for others, listen to them and find the why behind what they feel.