The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 6- About to Get Good

I've been sitting on a park bench just outside of Cafe Monday for the past ten minutes, staring at the same plastic cup lying on the ground next to the trash can. I'm lost in a daze, trying to pull myself out, but not quite able to do so yet.

I'm so nervous about the meeting tonight. I have no idea what to expect, or if I'll be able to pull it off.

What if they don't like me?

What if I make things worse?

What if I say or do the wrong thing?

Feeling overwhelmed, I take out my phone and call up my grandmother. I need someone to talk me through this and I can't think of anyone better than her to do it.

"Hello?"

"Grandma, hi. How are you doing?"

"Well, if it isn't Miss Sessy making time for her grandma! How are you doing, sweetie?"

"Actually, I'm kind of in a funk right now."

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"One of my professors asked me to facilitate a meeting for her tonight, but I'm worried I may not be able to do it."

"What kind of meeting?" she asks.

"It's a suicide support group."

"Oh. That's pretty deep, huh?"

"Yes," I sigh. "These people need a safe space to open up about their feelings and it's...so much pressure. I just feel like...what if I say something wrong? What if I offend somebody? What if they don't want to open up to me? What if-"

"Sessy, Sessy. Now, you stop that. Haven't I always told you that you're an angel sent down from heaven? I know it feels big, but you've been gifted with something that so many people need. It won't be easy to make a difference in the world, but nothing that's easy is worth it. You've got to show them that you're there for them, that you're on their side, that you truly care."

"I know, I'm just...so scared. I don't know if I can do it," I choke out, starting to break down.

"Yes you can do it. Sweetie, I've watched you do things no one else thought was possible, all of your life. You're smarter than you know and stronger than you think. One of those people there at that meeting, they could be waiting for you. Your paths could be crossing intentionally, by divine intervention. You could be their guardian angel. You were made for a time such as this."

I smile, feeling a bit of relief at her words. She's always quoting scripture to me, specifically that one. "Thank you, grandma. I really needed to hear that."

"So how was your go cart date with that handsome neighbor of yours?" she asks, and I can just hear the smirk in her voice.

"It wasn't a date. We're just friends," I chuckle. "But it was a lot of fun. Thank God I wore my hair up."

"Sessy!" someone calls out from across the way.

I look around and smile even bigger when I spot Aspen walking across the street.

"Grandma, I've got to go. I'll call you back tonight and let you know how it went."

"Okay. I Love you, angel."

"I love you too."

After I end the call, I stand up and Aspen runs at me, looking so excited he could burst into a cloud of confetti.

"I made an 89 on the chemistry final!" he says excitedly.

"That's great! I'm so proud of you!" I say, getting caught up in his excitement and jumping into his arms.

Again, he holds onto me just a little bit longer than what's appropriate for a normal hug. I won't let myself read too much into it though. Sometimes people just need a hug- whether it's because they're down or excited; either way, it's nice to have someone to share your emotions with, and hugs do exactly that.

"Want to go out tonight and celebrate?" he asks.

"I would love to, but I have something going on tonight and I'm not sure how long it will take," I reply.

"Oh, okay," he says, sounding a bit disappointed.

"Maybe we can meet up after? I have a gift card to Baskin Robbins if you're interested."

He smiles a big, goofy, genuine smile. "Are you kidding? Baskin Robbins is only my favorite place in the world!"

"Then I guess I will see you tonight. I'll text you when I get home," I say, getting my things together.

"I'll be looking forward to it," he says, meeting my eyes for a few rather intense seconds.

It's like he wants to say something to me, but he always shies away. I know better than to push, so I won't. I feel like he'll tell me what it is eventually, when he's ready. Until then, I'll just keep being a good, supportive friend.

"Well, I need to get going. I'll see you tonight, best friend," he winks, backing away.

"See you tonight," I smile.

_____

I arrived at Eden Hall almost an hour early so I can prepare myself for this meeting- both mentally and physically. I want to do this. I want to be able to connect with my peers who need someone to understand them, to listen to them. But I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin everything. I've always had a bad habit of expecting the worst things to happen to me, that way when they do, I won't be so disappointed. Failing at this won't just be a disappointment though. I could ruin someone's life by saying the wrong thing.

It's so much pressure.

I sit at the large conference room table, alone, looking around at all the empty seats and wondering to myself who will be the ones to fill them. What will these peoples' stories be? What will be their why behind what they feel?

I hear someone coming, so I take a deep breath. The door clicks open and a short, blonde guy with big, blue eyes peeks into the room. "Hi, I'm looking for Professor Sturgis."

"Oh, she's not here today," I answer.

"So...is the meeting cancelled then?" he asks.

I hesitate for a moment, my brain going into overdrive and not allowing me to form one complete thought. "Uh, no. It's not cancelled. I'm going to be filling in for Professor Sturgis."

He gives me a once over and makes a face. "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"My name is Cecily Martin. I'm a psychology major," I answer, standing and extending my hand to shake his.

He looks at my hand before looking back up me with a disgusted look on his face. He doesn't say anything, only turns around and leaves the room.

I stand in place, frozen for a moment, not sure what to do. Finally, I go after him. I hurry out into the hallway and look left first, then right. I see him turning the corner near the exit, so I walk quickly in that direction.

"Hey! Wait up!" I call out.

He stops and turns around, scowling at me. "It was becoming clear to me that Professor Sturgis didn't take this group seriously before, but having a student fill in for her? A student?" he scoffs, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I know how that must make you feel. I'm only trying-"

"Do you?!" he asks harshly. "You've studied psychology for a few years, so you just magically know how I feel?!"

I stare at him with my mouth hanging open, not able to think of a single thing to say.

I've got to get it together. If Professor Sturgis put her trust in me to do this, that means she believes I'm capable. So maybe I need to start thinking that way too.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I don't want to assume that I know how you feel. But if you come back, I promise I will listen to whatever you have to say. No judgement, no criticism, just a listening ear. I know I'm just a student, but I genuinely care about you," I say, trying to sound strong, even though I'm on the verge of tears.

He hesitates for a long moment before he finally nods. "I suppose I don't have anywhere better to be tonight."

"Professor Sturgis will be back next week, so you'll only have to put up with me for tonight. Just give me an hour, that's all I ask."

"Fine," he sighs. "What's your name again?"

"Cecily Martin, but if you want, you can just call me Sessy."

"How old are you, Sessy?" he asks, looking me over.

"I'm twenty-two," I answer.

A small girl with shoulder length jet black hair comes down the hallway, looking like she's lost. I'm just about to ask her if I can help, but I see her exchange a knowing glance with the guy I've been talking to. She must be here for the meeting too.

"You don't know what these people have been through," the guy says, once the girl is out of ear shot. "Some of us have been to the brink of death before and some of us want to go back there pretty badly."

"I can't imagine what any of you have been through, but like I said, I'm here to listen. Because sometimes, just getting things off your chest makes it easier to breathe."

He presses his lips together in a thin line, nodding as if he's impressed. "Then I guess we'll see what you're made of, Sessy."

He walks back into the conference room and I follow behind him, taking a seat at the table next to the girl. She's got her head down, whispering something to herself.

"Hi there. My name is-" I stop abruptly when she looks up at me with an evil glare.

"It's okay, Mary. She's filling in for Dr. Sturgis only for today. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, right Sessy?" the guy asks me.

I nod. "That's right. I'm only here to listen, in case there's anything you want to say."

"You're just a child, like us," she hisses.

"I'm young, yes, but my heart is one hundred percent into this. I promise to be here for you tonight, in any way you need me," I say, meeting her intense brown eyes.

She's dressed in all black, but it's not necessarily goth. More like she's in mourning. Maybe she's lost someone close to her? She's not wearing any makeup and it doesn't look like she's bothered with styling her hair for a while, but she's a very pretty girl. Naturally pretty.

She closes her eyes and blows out a breath. "I'm only here because my actual doctor insists this is good for me. Dr. Sturgis can't help me though and neither can you."

"I may not be able to solve your problems, but I can at least help you to deal with them," I assure her.

"Listen to yourself. You know nothing about me and yet you make such a big promise. I bet you won't even remember me tomorrow," she scoffs.

Professor Sturgis never mentioned this bunch was hard to get through to, but I guess I should've assumed it. There's not a lot of people who see a therapist, or even a support group by choice.

"Okay, how about we start small. My name is Cecily Martin. I'm a psychology major. I'll be graduating next week and moving to Baltimore in August. What about you? What's your name?" I ask the girl.

She pushes her thin black hair back behind her ear and hangs her head. "My name is Mary. I'm a freshmen, no major yet."

It's not much, but it's a start.

"What about you? What's your name?" I ask the guy I met first, who is sitting on the other side of the table.

"My name is Oakley. I'm a senior and I'm a nursing student," he answers in a bored tone. "Maybe you should save the introductions for when everyone else arrives. That way it can be like an AA meeting."

I can't tell if he's being funny or not at first, but then he smirks. I laugh uncomfortably, checking my watch. If others are coming, then they are running late.

"How many people usually attend?" I ask.

Oakley shrugs. "Sometimes five or six, sometimes two or three."

"Well, the meeting starts at six, and it's five after. I'm assuming it's just going to be us this evening," I say.

No sooner do the words leave my mouth, the door opens and another guy walks in. He's a tall, golden blonde haired guy with an impressive athletic build. He takes a seat next to Oakley, smacking his chewing gum loudly.

"Hey cutie. Are you new here?" he asks me.

"She's filling in for Dr. Sturgis," Oakley answers on my behalf.

The guy's expression suddenly changes from amused to something else entirely. His dark brown eyes cloud over with something I can't quite place and he clinches his fists as if he's trying to keep himself from attacking me.

"My name is Cecily-"

"Again, you should probably just wait. We don't want to hear you introduce yourself eight hundred more times," Oakley groans.

"Well, like I said, the meeting should've started more than five minutes ago. I'm not sure who else to expect," I shrug.

"I saw Tyler in the hallway. He should be here soon," the new guy says. "Not sure he's gonna have much to say when he sees you though."

I take a deep breath, trying to keep my composure. These people are really lashing out at me and I've done nothing but be nice. I've got to find a way to get through to them, at least for the next hour. "Okay, we'll wait for Tyler and then we'll get started. While we're waiting, do you want to tell me your name?" I ask him.

"No," he answers, making Oakley snicker.

"Okay, that's fair. I'll just call you Thor, since you kind of look like Chris Hemsworth," I shrug.

He looks surprised at first, but then I see the hint of a smile trying to creep through that hard exterior.

"Chris Hemsworth?!" Oakley laughs. "Yeah, in his wildest dreams!"

"Okay, I can work with that," the new guy smirks, looking to me. "So what do I call you? Halle Berry?"

I laugh. "In my wildest dreams. Just call me Sessy."

"Sessy. Is that short for something?" he asks.

"Cecily."

"Oh. That's...different," he says.

"Sorry I'm late. I got lost trying to find the place again."

I look up in surprise at Aspen, who looks even more surprised to see me.

"Sessy?" he whispers as if he's in a daze.

"Oh wow! They know each other! This is about to get good!" Oakley laughs.