Love in the Shadow

Chapter 6: Longing and Secrets.

As I woke up, the morning light slink through the drapes creating stripes across my chamber. I had hardly slept the night before, wriggling and turning while pictures of Lucas and Jess danced across my head. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see their smiles—his unfettered laughter and her sincere look—and it felt like a gut check. Sitting up, I shook the haze of sleep by rubbing my eyes. Half-hoping there would be a message from Lucas that would calm the turmoil in my heart, my phone sat on the bedside table and I reached for it automatically. But the screen was blank, and I started to feel letdown. I thought I needed a diversion after breakfast and a brief shower. Perhaps some minor retail therapy might be beneficial. To find out whether Sarah wanted to go with me, I texted her. Me: Want to strike the mall? I'm in need of a diversion. Sarah said: True! By 20 I will be ready. The gnawing sensation in my gut persisted even as I got ready. Seeing Lucas one more caused me great nervousness. Saying what would I say? After last night, could I possibly ever look him in the eye? The ambiguity was intolerable, and I felt caught between my love for him and the facts of the circumstances. I attempted to put on a brave face when Sarah came, smiling to cover my inner struggle. "ready to shop till we drop?" Trying to sound passionate, I asked. "Always!" she said, her contagious vitality. "Let's find you something amazing to make you happy!” We discussed the newest fashions and rumors as we traveled to the mall. Although I valued Sarah's ability to divert me, every time I caught a glimpse of her animated expressions my thoughts returned to Lucas. The idea tore at me as I considered whether he was with Jess. Once inside the mall, we explored the several stores, leafing through rows of accessories and clothing. Though I tried on numerous clothes, every time I glanced in the mirror I felt as though I was donning a mask. Nothing seemed to fit—not even the clothes or the façade I was striving to keep. Two hours later I was standing in front of a full-length mirror sporting a flowing dress Sarah had chosen. I turned to her in quest of approval. "Do you find this reasonable?" "It's quite beautiful." You look fantastic, she said with real excitement. Her eyes showed flutter of concern, though, as she said, "But you're not wearing it with the right attitude." You have to be feeling it. "I only... I admitted, my heart weighty, not sure. Right now, one finds it difficult to feel anything except perplexed. "Let's have some dinner and reorganize. Sarah said, pushing me toward the food court, perhaps a little retail therapy will help you relax. Sarah leaned in, her face austere, as we seated at a little table with our supper. Alright, let it flow. Lucas seems to be in what? One cannot keep dancing around it. I sighed, as my feelings fell on me with weight. "I just find myself not sure what to believe anymore. Originally, I felt we had a genuine relationship; now... Seeing him with Jess makes me to doubt everything. "Have you spoke with him since last night?" she inquired. "No," I said, shaking my head. I have not been able to get myself to. Basically, what is there to say? Right now he is with her. "Mia, you can't let fear decide your fate," Sarah said, staring straight at me. " Finding out what he truly wants can help you honor yourself. Let not this moment pass you by. Though I knew she was right, the idea of facing Lucas made me terrified. Suppose he told me he wanted to pursue activities with Jess? The idea started my stomach to turn around. We strolled around the mall after our meal, Sarah pointing out several places and objects that drew her attention. Though my head was elsewhere, I tried to participate. We passed a very hip shop and noticed a couple inside—a tall man with black hair and a girl who looked much like Jess. I experienced a twirl of insecurity and jealvers. It served as a sort of reminder that I was vying with someone already in his life. "Hey, are you okay?" Sarah asked, seeing my distraction. You have been rather quiet. Just thinking, I answered, trying to grin. "Let's go check out that store." My phone hummed in my pocket as we looked about. I dug it out, hoping for a Lucas message. Seeing it was a text from him sent my heart racing. Lucas: Would be possible for us to meet? I truly want to chat. My heart thumping in my chest, I focused on the message. This was it—that which I had been yearning for. But uncertainty crept in alongside the thrill. Me: OK. WHERE? Lucas: Regarding the park, how about? I will be there thirty minutes. I inhaled deeply, my palms perspiration guiding my response. Me: Alright, I'll be there. Reading the interaction, Sarah peered over my shoulder. Is that Lucas? "Yeah, he wants to meet," I answered, attempting to come across as indifferent, but my heart shot with anxiety. "Good!" Go get some responses, she said, a determined look on her face. "I'll drive you!," said We rushed to the car, and I felt a mixture of exhilaration and terror swirling in my gut as she drove us to the park. What would he say? Would he pick me or would I have to watch him go once more? I saw Lucas seated on a bench as we got there, his hands clasped together and clearly in contemplation. Approaching, my heart accelerated and I felt the weight of the moment falling on me. I murmured gently, sitting next him, "Hey." He looked up, his countenance a mix of relief and anxiety. His voice low, he continued, "Thanks for coming." "I have been considering all of this. Trying to read his attitude, I said, "Yeah, me too." "I came over your Jess post. There is what going on there? He groaned and ran a hand over his hair. "I didn't imagine you would find it so quickly." Although Jess and I were dating casually, it meant nothing significant. Before things got more intense, I was attempting to sort out my feelings toward you. What then is it you feel? With a thumping heart, I asked. Would you like to be with her or me? He cast a probing glance at me. "I would like to be with you, Mia. Simply said, I wanted to avoid jumping into anything without first knowing your feelings. Though I was tempted with hope, I restrained it. You were seeing her, though. How can I believe you are not merely stating this because she is here right now? His voice firm, he replied, "Because I realize that what I feel for you is different." "I never expected to feel this way once more. The one I find myself thinking about is you. Jess came up to us, determined, before I could answer. "Lucas, could we chat?" Her eyes flitting between us, the tension in the air thickened as she stood there. Frustrated, Lucas responded, "I don't think this is a good time, Jess." "No, it's important," she said with a steady look. "You help me to express how I really feel. You cannot simply drop me as I am not important. Twist: I looked between them, the weight of the occasion bearing down on me. Jess's comments sent a flood of doubt slamming over me once more. The truth of their circumstances became evident just when I felt Lucas was ready to make decisions. "Lucas, what's happening??" My voice almost above a whisper, I asked, and felt my heart drop. Lucas seemed conflicted, his eyes straying back to mine and ablaze with the intensity that sent shivers down my spine. "I simply want to be straight forward with both of you." The moment lingered weighty in the air, the weight of unspoken emotions and unsolved conflict dragging down everyone. The sensation that something was about to fly out of control persisted.d