Before June

Before June: Five ✓

“You can be right and you can be wrong. There are things I really can’t do and I can’t yet do.”

I stiffened when one by one, the events of the past returned to my mind. Memories I should have forgotten to make me feel clear but everything is still fresh in me, the pain left in my heart is still fresh, the wound is still fresh, and I have not yet been able to forgive. I still can’t forgive. I still can’t forgive the people who hurt me as well as myself.

I let the wind play with my hair as we both got drowned with our own thoughts while looking far away.

“I have a question,” I said without looking at him. My mind is crowded with many questions, and I want them all to be answered so that nothing will bother me anymore. I want to clarify everything, I want to know what is really true. I’m sick of overthinking everything, I want the true answers coming from them.

“What is it?” he asked.

“That man in black last-last night, who is he? What does he need from me?” I put my hands behind my back and squeezed it slightly to calm myself and to shrug off all the past memories that were playing in my mind.

“That black man, there are many of them, scattered in the corners, waiting for their prey to fall into their traps...” He stopped, making me frown. I could hear the loud beating of my heart as if it was going crazy and wanted to go out from my chest. “They are disciples of darkness.”

I caught my breath and slowly looked in his direction. “W-what do you m-mean?” I shivered. “Disciples of darkness? What do they need from me? Why are they attacking me? And why do I see them?”

He slowly turned his gaze to me. His serious expression gave me goosebumps. I saw how his eyebrows met and his eyes darkened slightly. “That’s the biggest mystery we’re solving. We don’t know what they need from you and other people, and we also don’t know why they are targeting those people who have diseases like you.”

My forehead furrowed even more and my eyebrows met slightly. Each time he answered my questions, more and more questions came to my mind and my curiosity grew. “What do you mean? Are you solving? What do you mean by ‘us?’ And what? Why are they targeting us?”

He sighed after he realized that he had said something he shouldn’t say. “I have a team and we’re here for a mission given to us. And yes, you are not the only one they are trying to kill. They have had many lives taken that explains why you didn’t see me for a while.”

“Mission? What mission? Team? Who are they?” I asked again, confused.

I have never been so confused and curious in my entire life. Usually, I’ll just be in my room, studying, painting, and whatever. I’ve never been curious about things like this. Usually, I don’t care about whatever’s around me. I have my own world so why would I be curious about what’s going on around me? That’s my old me.

“I can’t tell you what it is. As I said, the disciples of darkness are scattered and they can be listening to us now. And yes, I have a team and I lead them. At the right time, you will get to know them, too.”

I was just dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say. “Then, why do you always suddenly appear wherever I am? Don’t say it’s to annoy me because I’ll hit you now if you do.”

I looked at him sharply, but his serious expression remained and he looked far away again as if he was deep in thought. So, I wondered. There’s nothing wrong with what I said, right? I don’t want my curiosity to swallow me. I just really wanted to be able to answer all my questions that are on my mind so that everything will be clear to me.

“You will be doomed by your curiosity.” He turned to me. “I can’t tell you all the information we’ve gathered but to answer your question... you are always calling me—my name, to be exact. At first, I thought you’re just making fun of me by calling me every time, so I went along with your actions. But now, I’m damn confused.”

“Huh?” only I could say. Me? Making fun of someone? I don’t even know how to c***k a joke! Even my friends are calling me bitter and annoying every time they’re making a joke but I never laughed at it. Is he making me laugh now?

“C’mon, are you making me laugh? Because it’s funny! So funny to the point I wanted to hit your face right now. I don’t even know how I can call you. And now, you’re accusing me and saying I’m playing around?!” I responded angrily.

What am I? A kid to play around with?!

He shook his head and softly looked at me with his pitch-black eyes, but my anger still wouldn’t subside. Low reason but I really don’t want to be accused of something I don’t know, and I don’t even do because it’s reminding me of my past that I love to forget but people around me still keep reminding me of, by their simple actions.

“I’m not accusing you; I’m just voicing out what’s inside my head. Because it’s true, there is a voice calling to me every time and I thought it was you—making fun of me. Now I know that it wasn’t you, we will solve another mystery.”

I groaned. “Now you know. You should at least confront me or ask me if I am the one who’s messing with you. It’s not like you’re just going to accuse me of something I didn’t do!” I breathe heavily. “Superficial if superficial but I don’t want to be accused. I have trust issues because of that. Now, get out of my sight!”

“That is not what I mean. Please let me explain first—“

I shook my head and averted my gaze from him. “Not now. Just please get out of my sight. I’m very angry right now, so can you please don’t talk to me? I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not into myself whenever I’m mad. I don’t want to say anything I’ll eventually regret. If you want to explain your side, tomorrow, meet me here at sunset.”

Even before he could open his lips, I left him there alone and with his mouth open. I need to calm myself first. Not now that I’m not in myself to listen to his explanation. People might see it as childish or overreacting but for me, it’s not. It has a big impact on me and when I say a very big impact, I really mean it. I’ll not react like this when it does not have a large impact on me.

I came back to reality when someone knocked at my door. I sighed and shrugged my thoughts before getting up from my bed and set aside my art materials. Nurse Barb—in her usual uniform—was thrown out of the door. While I’m currently doing my AffloVest along with my nebulizer, I coughed while holding the object that would catch the mucus coming out of my mouth. It was so hard, but I needed to do it.

“You’re strong, brave, and a fighter, Annalize Lorei Vanidestine. You can do it, everything will be alright!” I said in my mind to comfort myself. I needed to be my own hero, strength, and comforter because no one else would do that but myself. I have nothing to rely on but myself.

“Good girl, good girl,” Nurse barb praised me, who was standing next to me while monitoring me. I just smiled a little at her and nodded.

“You’re doing well, Anna.” She smiled, trying to comfort me. “I've got to go,” she said before she left.

I stayed on the edge of my bed while feeling myself. I coughed incessantly from my arm.

I couldn’t do anything other than to put my nasal cannula back and get my face mask to go outside. I want to see Phoe, I badly want to talk to someone right now. I walked towards the door of his room and knocked three times and slightly backed away a few meters. People with cystic fibrosis, like us, should never meet each other, as we carry bacteria within our lungs that could be harmful to each other or six feet apart at all times. It is to reduce the risk of exposure to germs that become airborne with a cough or sneeze. Mucus normally protects the airways by trapping germs until they’re expelled through coughing.

It’s hard since I have a friend who has the same disease as mine and he’s Phoe. My best buddy, my friend, my brother, my cousin, and my partner in crime.

“Ey, Anna!” he said cheerfully as he opened the door of his room. He was wearing his pajamas and jacket, there was also a smirk posted on his lips. If you look at him, he looks like he’s annoying you with his smiles but no. He’s a great guy.

“Do you want ice cream? Come with me, I’ll go get some ice cream to cool my hot head,” I casually invited him.

“Oh yeah! I want some, too, because I’m now single so let’s go and celebrate it!” I looked at him and grinned.

He walked me towards the cafeteria first, while I was just behind him, and followed. Looks like someone needed my comfort, lmao. I have known him since I was a kid, and I know that he’s just faking his smiles and laugh. He’s broken for Pete’s sake! Who the hell does someone who loves his or her partner celebrate their break like, well it’s my cousin, Phoe.

When we got ice cream and some to eat, we sat down on one of the cold steels with matching steel tables, smooth and sanitized every half an hour. I held out one hand in the air while my other hand held my ice cream, and yawned. I finished my ice cream while glancing at Phoe who was two meters away from me, waiting for him to tell me what had happened to him and Michael.

Well, yes, Phoe isn’t a straight man. And trust me, he’s a demon. Yes, I’m taking back what I said he was a sensible man. He’s a demon! I remember when we were in elementary school and we had an argument, he put a frog on my black shoes on the very first day of class so until I got to school, I didn’t seem comfortable.

I can’t remember the full details, but I cried a lot that day when I saw a frog in my shoe and I killed him. He knew I was very afraid of frogs and that was why he would often blackmail me. So, he’s a demon!

“What now? Won’t you tell me what had happened to you and Michael?” I said and raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m going to bed.”

I was about to get up from my seat when he stopped me so inwardly, I smiled. I knew he would stop me from going to my room.

“Hep! Hep! Hep! Wait! This is it; I will tell you the full details.” He rolled his eyes and folded his arm.

“We broke up, yesterday...” He stopped, making me thrilled about what’s the reason behind their breakup. Phoe loves Michael so much to the point that he’ll do everything just for him. Yes, that’s how crazy he was when he’s in love. Cringe, right?

“That’s it, duh—” He rolled his eyes again, but I threw him a piece of food left in my hand earlier, making him chuckle loudly. The other people in the cafeteria looked at us because of the noise he’s making.

If I could just hit him, I would have done it but I couldn’t because of our illness. That’s when I realized that we never touch each other nor hug each other. This disease was like a cage for us.

“Shut up! You look like a fool, Stupid!”

“Ouch, you don’t love me anymore, An?” He held his chest while pouting as if he was hurt by what I said.

I frowned. “Disgusting!” I commented. “I’m ashamed of what you told me before, what is it again?”

“Stupid? b***h? War freak?” he said innocently and lowered himself to the table and looked up as if thinking about what he had said to me before.

I jokingly glared at him. I know he just diverted our conversation about his divorce from Michel and I’m not a fool not to feel that he doesn’t want to talk about it. And I won’t force him to tell what happened to them if he really doesn’t want to tell it. I’ll just let him tell me the root of their breakup whenever he wants. I knew he was just moving on. He’s not a vocal person but I know he’s sad. We haven’t been friends for years for nothing.

“How’s your surgery?” I asked, breaking the long silence enveloping us. He had an infection in his G tube or gastrostomy tubes. So he had to undergo surgery.

“It went well,” he mumbled. “If it hadn’t gone well, Edi, I wouldn’t be here to talk to you. What do you think of me? Ghost? Then my body is in my room?”

I didn’t speak and just looked around inside the cafeteria before taking the cell phone that was in my pocket to check the time.

“It’s already nine,” I informed. “Aren’t you sleepy? I’m going back to my room. You? Aren’t you going back to your room yet? Let’s just meet in the gym tomorrow.”

I got up from my chair to go back to my room because it was too late and I needed to rest because I’m going to the gym tomorrow to exercise.

He just nodded and smirked at me. “Yes, be careful and you might kill a frog again. Poor Mr. Frogie you killed before, maybe their companion will chase you.”

I frowned. “Ha ha ha ha, funny!” I rolled my eyes and turned my back on him. He is annoying. He’s really a demon! I can’t really imagine how we became friends and close. They are just the same as my two female friends of mine, annoying, too. Speaking of two female friends, I haven’t talked to them since that accident happened.

“I’m just concerned and worried!” he shouted. “—for Mr. Froggie!”

“Shut up!”