Before June

Before June: Three ✓

I was in the middle of brushing my teeth this morning when my friends came right into the door. It’s barely six in the morning and they’re right there—standing at the door with their hoodie, pajamas with a grin on their lips like they’re just going to have a sleepover here in the hospital.

“Very early,” I commented while brushing, white froth dripping from my chin. I stopped and immediately rinsed and washed my whole face.

“Of course, it’s as if you’re not used to it.” Mia rolled her eyes and went to the pantry to put the food they had brought and grabbed something to drink from the refrigerator. While Ava lay down on my bed like they’re just at home.

They are always like this whenever they visit me and whenever they are not busy at school. We were both first-year college students. The difference was I was hospital schooling while they attend within the university, attend each of their classes every day, and can hang out with other students like them.

“We have a lot of stories to tell you. So we also brought a lot of food so that we can have something to eat while talking,” Ava said reluctantly, closed eyes while laying down on my bed.

I sat at the coach that was near my bed and wiped my face using a dry towel. “At this early?”

Mia looked at me as if I’m out of my mind. Her nose scrunched up, her eyebrows furrowed as she chew cookies from the glass container. “That’s the reason why we came here at 6, duh!” she answered and rolled her eyes as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“Alright, what else can I do? You’re already here.” I rolled my eyes at the air and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “If I could just kick you both out the door, I would definitely do it right now.”

Of course, I can’t. Because I’m sure even before I could kick them out of the door, I’ll be the first one to be kicked out. And I wouldn’t do that for I don’t want to get bruises on my face, so, no.

“But, sadly, you can’t.” Mia folded her arms and blinked a few times while pouting, acting like she was sad for me. What a bully!

“Hey! I didn’t do anything!” Ava complained.

I just rolled my eyes at Mia and approached the window and slightly lowered the blinds to peek outside, which is what I always do.

“You know what, An? Ava had her first boyfriend, finally!” Mia announced. Gradually my face lit up because of what I heard and faced Mia to confirm if it was true or it just made up the story of her sister.

In eighteen years of her existence here on earth, she has never had a boyfriend because she is always afraid, she might hurt. So, I’m happy that finally, she is no longer afraid to love. I wonder who’s the lucky man who had captured Ava’s heart—a certified bitter person. I just hope that he will be able to handle her. I just winced at the thought, Ava was one of the most impatient of the three of us.

“Shut up, Mia!” She blushed.

“Why? Duh, it’s true, isn’t it? I even heard you flirting with your babe.” She placed both hands on her waist and widened her eyes at her sister. “Like, ‘Hey, babe. Can you please, pretty please, buy me food? I’m hungry!’ Then pouted like a duck!”

“Shut up!!” She threw a pillow on Mia’s face and turned away from us while her face was as red as tomatoes and hid her face in the pillows. But no matter what she did, the redness of her face was still obvious from her ears.

I laughed silently and just watched Mia teased her pitiful sister. They’re so cute. They’re just like best friends, at the same time, sisters and partners in crime. Cute. I’m already getting jealous they are okay without me.

A few minutes later, Mia got tired of teasing her sister and started telling stories about their experiences at school, their crushes, funny moments, embarrassing moment, and more while eating something, while I was just listening to them while looking outside.

“Don’t you want to eat? Mom cooked for you,” Ava called me but my attention was still on the outside.

“Later,” I replied.

“Okay,” she said. “By the way, An, she made a lot of food there just for you. We just placed it in your refrigerator and just heat it if you’re hungry.”

“Okay, thank you. And please just tell aunt, thank you.”

They were just talking while I was busy looking outside and admiring the view there. It’s cloudy and a little bit windy today so the weather isn’t that hot as when it’s summer and it will definitely be nice to take a walk on the street or bike under the cloudy sky.

This year is coming to an end, time is so fast it seems like only yesterday we were still in high school.

“I want to go outside,” I said out of nowhere, still looking outside. The cold breeze of the air blew and played with my hair. I closed my eyes and felt it touch my skin. Refreshing.

I sighed and just lowered the curtain of my room and turned around to face my bwisitors. My forehead furrowed when I saw a smirk on Mia’s lips while Ava was just like me, confused of why Mia was smirking like she would do something wrong to me or us, that made me goosebump.

I know her very well; she’s doing it again!

“You look so creepy, stop it,” I scolded.

“You want to go outside, right?” Mia asked and approached me with a frightening smile on her lips.

“It was just a joke,” I said calmly and went to the table to get some water.

“Come on, An, just for now!” she persisted but I still insisted and shrugged.

“You know that I can’t, and I was just joking.” That was obviously a lie, I really want to go outside and take a walk. But self-discipline is a must for me to get out of here.

I sat on the couch again and took my laptop to do my thesis. I’d rather study than go outside. That will put me in big trouble. Even though she is my friend, I would not risk my life just for her. I have many dreams, goals, and I don’t want to leave them yet. Not yet, I am not still ready.

While typing on my laptop, I’m also eating some cookies and fruits, you know? If you have CF, you need to eat a balanced diet consisting of fat, protein, dairy, fruits, and vegetables. You’ll need to increase the amount of each in your diet to ensure that your body is able to absorb enough of these nutrients.

So even I don’t want to eat and eat because I only have a small stomach, I needed to follow the rules. So, to any of the girls out there wishing they could eat five thousand calories a day and not gain a pound, sucks.

“Even just for once, An, please?” Mia pouted and blinked many times like she’s trying to convince me but it’s still no.

I ignored her and just kept on chewing cookies and typing on my laptop, allowing her to just keep on talking until she will get exhausted from speaking and until all her saliva dries in her mouth because of nonstop talking.

“Stop it, Mia. It was not good for her health, you know that,” Ava scolded to her sister, Mia.

“Come on. Don’t be so killjoy, Av!” Mia once again rolled her eyes and folded her arms. I started typing on my laptop as if I did not hear their argument. A sibling thing.

“What if something happens to her while she is outside, huh! Are you even thinking?!” she yelled which made me stop from typing something on my laptop. Here they are again, they are going too far again.

“Of course, I’m thinking because I have a brain! What do you think of me? A stupid, huh?!” Mia shouted back.

“Then use your brain about what you’re talking about!” She exhaled and turned around while her hands were on her waists, trying to calm herself down. “You know what is going to happen to her. I don’t know where your brain is but I’m very disappointed in you. Are you trying to kill her? I don’t have a sibling like you, reflect on your actions, or else I'll tell Mom everything you’re doing!”

I massaged my forehead and the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. “Stop it, you two. If you just came here to argue right in my face, then get out of my sight.”

Finally, the whole room became quiet as well. They bowed their heads and averted their eyes from me as if they had realized what they had been done and they were with someone else here in the room.

“I’m sorry, I just want to hang out with you,” Mia said, almost whispered.

“We’re hanging out with her already!”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Fine, when something happens to her, you’ll take all the blame.” She folded her arms and looked away like something was bothering her as I am.

My forehead furrowed when I felt like something was not right, like there is something bad that would happen today. My chest tightened because of an unknown reason.

“Please, pretty please, even just now.”

“No, Annalize, don’t consent to what she wants—“

I didn’t answer. I stared at the cloudy sky thinking of something. A conclusion is starting to form in my head that made me hungrier to an answer to all of my questions in my mind. “Fine, just this once.”

“But—“

“Don’t be so killjoy, Mia. She already said yes. If you don’t want to come then don’t come with us and just lay down there, on the bed while we’re enjoying the cloudy weather, hm?” she said while smirking like she just won a big competition towards her sister.

“Fine, but if something bad happens to her, I’ll never talk to you anymore!” she exclaimed.

“Yaz, outside world here we come!” she rejoiced and raised one hand in the air like a superhero.

“Come on, let’s go!”

Ava and I looked at each other but I just shrugged and followed Mia. As soon as I stepped out of my room, my hand trembled because of nervousness.

Mia stopped, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I nodded and hid my trembling hands on my back. “Don’t worry.”

“You sure?”

I nodded and smiled a little bit, “Yes, don’t worry.”

“Okay,” she answered.

We continued walking out of the building and we headed to the back to get through there. There are two exits to the hospital, in the back with few passers-by and the front with a security guard guarding, making sure that there’s no patient going out without permission from their doctors.

It always depends on the person if she wants to die and sneak out, like what I am doing now. Then it is all their fault why their condition got worse not the doctor or nurses because they are doing their job well, but their patient is just a hard-headed person.

When we got to the parking lot in the back, there were two bicycles I think belonged to them.

“How am I supposed to bike if there are just two bicycles?” I asked, confused.

“Easy peasy,” Mia exclaimed. “I and Ava will ride together, and you’ll use my bike, game?”

“What? No?!” Ava yelled but her sister, Mia, was already riding her bike.

“Don’t be so killjoy, hop on!” Ava had no choice but to ride with her sister while pouting.

I just smiled upon watching them and rode the bike. I suddenly missed my brother. I was rude to him during his last visit. I hope I can bond with him like before and my family, too. I missed my past life.

“You’re so annoying!”

“You’re so annoying,” she teased. “Blah! Blah! Blah! Shut up or I’ll drop you.”

“Maybe you forgot that this is mine, duh!”

“I don’t care,” she yawned, making her sister got annoyed more.

“What—“ Even before she could answer, Mia rode her bike so fast that Ava—who was standing behind her—almost fell. I covered my mouth with one hand to suppress my laughter and started.

“I hate Mia!!” she shouted, almost crying. She pulled her sister’s hoodie many times because she was so annoyed that the bicycle they were riding was dancing in the middle of the road and almost kissed the ground.

“Don’t pull my hoodie if you don’t want us to crash and end up kissing the ground, b***h!”

While biking, I couldn’t help but smile as I stared at the dark sky as if soon the rain would fall from it. Birds fly aggressively in the sky that is sure to find shelter for the rain.

I accelerated my bike so that I could keep up with them. “You can just stop your bike and fight on the side of the road.”

“What!” they both yelled but I just ignored them and preceded them. Acting as a cool girl in a movie, riding her bike in the middle of the empty road as if she can do whatever she wants in her life—as if she's free like the birds flying in the sky.

I was so busy admiring the view when Mia and Ava passed by me very fast while laughing out loud.

“Let’s race, An!” Ava shouted while laughing with her sister. Weird, they are just fighting earlier!

“Sure!”

I accelerated my bike until I passed them. I smiled to tease them. “You're so slow.”

“What the—arrogant!” Mia shouted, there was a hint of annoyance in her voice.

The first similarity the three of us have is that we don’t want to lose out on anything we want and the three of us don't want anyone to brag about their achievements or multiply each other's achievements or achievements. We always say to ourselves... to each other that “work in silence; let success make the noise.”

“Ble!” They stuck out their tongues and passed me.

I just laughed at them and sped off cycling. I hope this will last long but I didn't think about it and just enjoy the moment. I feel alive! I feel like I'm flying because of happiness. I approached them and tapped Mia hard on the shoulder before I passed them.

“Hey, Mia, Ava, look I’m gonna do the freehand!”

I accelerated my ride on the bike before letting go of the handle of the bike that was controlling it. I giggled when I made it.

I missed this! It was like we were back at being high school students. They just laughed at me, too, and stayed behind me like they’re watching me doing this stupidity.

“Watch out!” they both shouted in unison but it's already too late for me to control the bicycle I was riding and crashed in the middle of the road. But, instead of being hurt, I just laughed like the bruises I got doesn't matter.

I coughed and coughed until I started to lose my breath but I just laughed at it.

“Are you okay?” They immediately got off their bike and were anxious to go where I was.

“Of course, I am. Actually, it was fun!” I coughed again and held my chest because it became more difficult to breathe but I didn't tell them. They will surely argue again if they'll know about it and I don't want that to happen. I don't want the fun to end just because of me and I don’t want to ruin their siblings’ relationship just because of me.

“Thank God.”

“Let’s go?” I asked and got up from lying on the cement.

“Let’s go.”

Ava walked to their bike first while Mia was just looking at me as if she were examining me. And her eyes widened while looking at my arm, so I looked at it too, I had a big wound there and it is bleeding non-stop. I did not even feel it.

“It doesn’t hurt, don’t worry. Let’s go.” I tapped her shoulder to say I was okay.

While walking towards my bike, I coughed over, again and again. It became harder and harder to breathe as hard as staying alive. What a life.

“Let’s make it faster, it’s like it’s going to rain,” Mia said while looking at the dark clouds before looking at me. “Ride with me, An, I'll be the one who’s going to drive.”

I no longer refused and stood behind her while clinging to her shoulder. I coughed repeatedly which I think Mia started to notice that something was wrong, so she drove faster.

“Make i-it m-ore f-aster, Mia, I-m ru-nning out of breath,” I whispered brokenly.

“Hang on there, An, we are close to the hospital.”

My cough got worse until we reached the back entrance of the hospital. I could no longer hide the large wound on my arm from crashing on the bike earlier but thank God Ava didn't notice it. Mia lifted me on her back and ran as fast as she could towards the inside.

She was already bathing in her own sweat when we got inside the hospital.

“Nurse! Nurse!” she called the nurses when we were in the hallway.

The nurses immediately took action when they saw me almost dying and placed me on the stretcher and put on a mask. But I moved my head, insisting to take the oxygen mask they’re putting on my mouth.

“Calm down, calm down, honey,” Nurse Barb said.

“Ba-rb, don-t tell t-hem,” I begged.

I don't want them to get worried about me. I'll be okay, I don't want them to be worried about me and rushed to come here just to see their daughter lying down on a stretcher because of her selfishness for eagerness to be free when in fact, she will never be free.

Being alive is truly exhausting but I must live even if it's exhausting, even if I will also die soon because that’s where I’ll end up. There is a lot of things I needed to fix before I could finally fly high as I want and be free as the birds in the sky.

“I won’t tell, okay? Just calm down.”

I nodded and let them do whatever they could for me. I coughed repeatedly while there was still an oxygen mask on me.

“It's all your fault!” I heard before I even turned a blind eye due to weakness.

I hope everything will be alright. I don't like this. I don't like everything, the pain, the worried people around me, the medicine, and the surgeries. It is so exhausting. Being alive is so exhausting.