Have You Ever

Teardrops

As I walk slowly away from him, I feel like I’m about to collapse. But no! I won’t! I should not. Or else he might think that I fell in love with him. They said love is wonderful but I never thought that aiming for that wonderful thing requires this kind of pain in exchange. I never thought that loving someone can be this painful. Everything is new to me. Everything. And I couldn’t stop my tears from streaming down as if they will never stop anytime soon. Every step I take feels like I’m walking on a path full of torn. I barely have the energy to go forward and continue walking away from him. But I have to. Because if I won’t take the courage to do so, how can I walk away and move on from this phase?

How could I face them when I go back to the office? Should I just go home? But I don’t have my bag. I even left my phone at the QC Office. I am pretty sure that Victoria and Charlotte will notice my swollen eyes. What excuse should I say? I don’t know what to do. My mind is clouded by this unbearable pain I’m feeling right now. I just hope there’s someone who can tell me what to do at times like this? Can someone teach me how to stop my eyes from crying? Can someone teach me how I can survive ‘coz anytime soon, I feel like I’m dying from this intense heartache.

My handkerchief is drench with tears. But I still manage to hold my tears as I go back to the office. I tried my best to avoid everyone from looking at me. Fortunately, I don’t have a meeting today. Or else, I’ll cry non-stop in front of everyone. I tried my best to keep myself busy from doing all my paperwork. I even took overtime to avoid going home with anyone. I just wanna be alone right now. I’m so exhausted from everything. But still, I want to fill each time with work. If I’ll stop and have an idle time, I’ll have the time to think about Paul. Before, thinking about him makes me smile and lifts my moods. But now, just merely hearing his name feels like my heart is being squeezed and been stabbed thousand times. Okay, Enzey! It’s past nine in the evening. You have to go home and take a sleep, okay? This too shall pass. You can make it. All wounds heal. Time heals.

When I went home and lay on my bed, I couldn’t help but shed another tear while staring at the ceiling. It’s as if there are slides of our memories playing. It’s as if I’m looking at an accordion fold of our memories. Even our first meeting is so vivid in my head. As I was reminiscing, I was searching on which part did I make a mistake? But then I realize, starting and harboring this feeling is my biggest mistake. Why did I let myself drown without checking if the water is hot or cold? Now I’m frozen. Frozen and couldn’t even move until it melts. But who knows when will this cold heart of mine melt?

Thousands of unanswered questions flash in my mind each night. And I can’t even stop myself from crying each night for almost a month. But after that, it feels like there are no tears left in me. Or maybe I’m drained. Or maybe I just accepted the fact that there’s nothing I can do but to forget about it. And who would have thought that six months flies so fast? Thanks to my squad as I was able to survive this pain.

“What time are we leaving today, Enzey? I’m hungry.” Mara asked. We always hang out after office hours and eat together wherever it may be.

“I don’t know. I think you should ask David?” I replied.

“And where’s David?” She asked.

“Maybe he’s fooling around Esmee.”

“Esmee? Why? Is he courting her? Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?” Mara asked in awe.

“No one knows. Or maybe everyone knows but no one dares to talk about it.” I explained. No one talks about it because almost everyone knows that Esmee and Stephy are having a relationship. Yes, they are both girls. Or should I say, Esmee is a lesbian? I don’t want to tell anyone because it’s not my story to tell. I just found out and Esmee shared it with me. Maybe she finds me trustworthy.

“It’s been a while and I’m telling you about it right now.”

“Whatever. Marc is coming.” Mara said while smiling as if she’s waiting for him.

“Hi, there! Shall we?” Marc awkwardly said as if I wasn’t there, ignoring our eyes to meet.

For the past six months, no one has knows how heartbroken I am. And maybe that’s the reason why Marc took the courage to confess his feelings for me without knowing anything. I flatly decline his feelings because I don’t want to make him wait for anything. He asked me to give him some time to prove how sincere his feelings were for me but I can’t. I don’t want anyone to suffer from the pain I’ve gone through. I don’t want to give him false hope when I know in myself that I’m not yet ready to open up my heart from anyone right now. Maybe not now. But still, we can be friends. Maybe in time, we can still be friends.

Stephy, David, Marc, Mara, and I were eating in a famous fast-food chain. While waiting for the other food to be served, I was wiping the utensils using the tissue. And I can feel that Marc has been staring at me but I couldn’t look back at him. I don’t want us to be this way but I want to respect how he would feel if I act as if it was nothing.

“Yey! The food arrives! I’m so hungry.” Mara exclaimed with full excitement as if she hasn’t eaten any for the past few days.

“David, can you ask for extra gravy, please? Here’s the plate.” I requested as I couldn’t go out since Mara is sitting beside me. I’m afraid she’ll hurt me if I disturbed her from eating.

“I’ll do it.” Marc coldly said then grabbed my plate.

Marc is a good catch. It’s just that I don’t dare to entertain anyone right now. I may have forgotten about “that guy” but I’m pretty sure that fear is inevitable. I’m pretty sure that pain was just suppressed deep down in my heart. And I don’t want to bring it back to life. I’m better this way. It’s better this way.

“Stephy, have you heard any news from Ms. Jeanne if the newly hired will start to report by next week?” David asked.

“Hmm. I’m not sure if he’s the one you’re asking for but there will be a new Engineer starting next week.” She replied.

“Oh really? Good to hear that. Do we need an additional labor force especially for the injection molding machines? There is a lot of machine breakdown. Sir Raffy has been complaining to me about it he’s been requesting for an assistant.” I added.

“I heard he’s a Registered Electrical Engineer?” Stephy asked.

“And so am I,” David said boastfully.

“Did I say something? I’m just asking, dude.” Stephy said.

“Just kidding! Yeah. He’s been my friend and my classmate since we were in second-year college.” David explained.

“Oh~ Nice. At least Sir Raffy will not have a hard time teaching his new assistant.” I added.

“Are you sure he will be assigned under the supervision of Sir Raffy?” Marc asked.

“I’ll inform Ms. Jeanne about that,” I replied. “When will he be reporting?” I added.

“As I’ve heard, he will start on Tuesday because he has to complete his requirement until Monday,” Stephy answered.

“Oh. Okay. I guess you’ll gonna orient him by then. I’m on leave starting tomorrow until Tuesday.” I murmured but loud enough for her to hear.

“What?! Why are you taking a leave? Don’t tell me you’ll go on a date out of town for 5dyas?!” Stephy exclaimed.

“How I wish!” I answered nonchalantly. Then I saw Marc stared at me as if he was offended by what I said.

“Yes, I’ll be out of town but not for a date. I’m going out of town with my college friends, okay?” I explained, trying to clear things out.

“Okay~ So I have no choice then,” Stephy explained.

“Looking forward to the souvenir! But please, I have a lot of keychain and ref magnets so bring other things like their specialty food in that place, okay?” Mara requested while munching the food in her mouth. How a food lover like her can be this petite? I feel envious.

===========

I feel so refreshed. Though I have to go back to reality right now, still, it feels like I was enlightened and renewed from that five-day vacation. As expected, nature can help a lot in calming and healing yourself. The clear blue ocean, the wind, the trees, the fine sand, everything. Everything on that island helps a lot in calming your soul as if you were never wounded. I feel like I was given a new fresh start to live my life. I have never felt this way for the past six months. Good thing I took that vacation.

I’m back to work. Everyone’s greeting me with a wide smile as if they missed me from that five-day vacation. As I was doing my rounds at the factory, I checked all the products that were in production and checked the machine breakdown to prepare a report. While I was checking around the injection molding machine MJ128, I saw someone popped out from out of nowhere.

“Yah! What are you doing there?!” I shouted out of shock.

“Are you okay? Sorry for startling you. I’m just fixing the MJ128; I didn’t know you were there.” He explained. But instead of talking back, I was stunned by what he said. A slide of memory flashed in. My first day. The day I met Paul for the first time.

“Enzey! You’re back!” David called my attention and came towards us.

“Is he the new Engineer that you were talking about?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Yes! By the way Enzey, is Kree. The new Maintenance Engineer. You will be seeing him every day early in the morning.” David explained while introducing us to each other. This feels like a déjà vu. I couldn’t speak nor absorb anything. Instead, I’m feeling disturbed and nervous by this kind of encounter.

He extends his hand, waiting for me to grab it for a shaking hand. So out of respect, despite the nervousness in this situation, I reached for his hand when he suddenly…

“Oh, I’m sorry! My hands are full of grease while fixing this machine.” Then he smirked at me as if he’s waiting for the perfect timing to pull out his hand to tease me, like the way how “that guy” does the same trick. But instead of getting annoyed at what he did to me, a drop of tears fell down my cheeks. I swiftly wipe my tears but I’m sure that they both notice the tears in my eyes.

“Enzey~ Are you okay?” David asked with full of concern in his eyes. She tapped my shoulder as if he’s comforting me and looked at Kree as if asking what’s wrong.

“I-I’m okay. Please excuse me.” Then I walked out before these tears burst out in front of them. I swiftly walked towards the comfort room.

How can this be possible? Is this some kind of coincidence or an annoying twisted fate? What nice timing. I’m about to claim that I’m fully healed from that painful past but it feels like fate is testing me. And why do I have to cry in front of them? Now, how can I face them? My gally, Enzey! What’s your problem?!