Have You Ever

Magic is Just An Illusion

12.27.15 / 09:37PM

Hello MyLabs! How are you? I hope you’re doing fine wherever you are right now. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to make time for you these days especially when I started working. And I also have to spend more time during my training period to learn and understand all the things needed for my job. Not to mention the one month worth of backlog that I had to cope with due to the sudden resignation of the former Coordinator. But since the factory is shut down for one week, I have time to chat with you tonight. I just wanna give updates about what happened to me these past few months.

Let’s start talking about this guy who moved this stone heart of mine. I never thought I would like someone as fast as I did. His name is Paul, one of the Factory Supervisors in our company. He’s quite tall, has good built, kind-hearted and most of all, he has an irresistible smile that caught my heart big time. And you know what’s funny, he’s the same guy I was talking about when I got lost during the time that I was looking for the ATLE office. Who would have thought that I would fall for someone who I used to call weird? Or maybe because love moves mysteriously. Kyaaah~ Cringeeee~

Anyway, I invited him to come with me to celebrate my birthday with The Girls and my family. Of course, given the situation, they interrogated me for coming home with Paul. They say I can fool the ghost, but not the Girls. So I simply said that I have a crush on him. And when the time comes that Paul needs to go home, I decided to walk him out but who would have thought that my first kiss will be as passionate as it is that night. I never imagined that I have a hidden talent when it comes to kissing. It seems like it was not my first even when it is. Or maybe, it’s the alcohol that pushes me to the limit. It was unforgettable. I never imagined my first kiss would happen under the moonlight.

But despite the romantic scene, my friends never failed to make me laugh. As we were drunk because of that sweet moment, Rosé suddenly came out and called out my name. She witnessed us, hugging each other or maybe even before we stop. And out of her shock, not knowing what to do, all she can utter was “Oops! Sorry!” Our romantic night together ended like a comic scene. Nevertheless, it was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. My first kiss.

However, lately, we don’t have enough time to chat or even go home together because I am quite busy at work due to the one-week shutdown. There are a lot of things to do before closing the factory; especially the reports for the stocks on hand in the warehouse. So we just text each other from time to time, like when we’re about to go home or greeting good morning or goodnight. How I wish we can see each other again when we come back to work next year. When I was a student, I always hope that vacations would never end but look at me right now; wishing for the vacation to fly so fast just to see him again.

But despite all that Mylabs, I have something to confess. To be honest, I am feeling terrified. I’m quite afraid of all of these sudden moments. I’m afraid that everything fits perfectly, way too perfect, and way too fast. I’m afraid I’m falling too fast for Paul. Or should I just go with the flow and let things happen accordingly instead of having regrets for not doing the best that I can? After that night, we haven’t talked about ourselves. There’s no clarification. I don’t want to confront him about what was that for because I’m afraid I’ll get disappointed with his answer. I’m afraid that it might just be “nothing” to him. Or am I just overthinking right now because I let my fears overpower me? What do you think should I do?

Maybe the best solution would be asking him straight to the point, right? I doubt he’ll kiss me that way just for nothing, right? This is the reason why I’m so afraid to be in a relationship. I will always be the anxious one. The over-thinker. I don’t know what to do. *Deep sigh*

Sorry, Mylabs for acting this way. I feel like I’m bipolar. At first, I was happy and excited sharing about our first kiss then after a few moments, I am feeling anxious because of our unknown relationship. We are not even in the old times where kissing is proof or an assurance that you’re dating. I never thought that I would like him this much. I wish this would work.

Anyways, I’m getting sleepy Mylabs. As always, thank you for listening to my silent concerns. Concerns that I can’t share even with my closest friends. Always take care of yourself. You should have to stay safe until we meet each other someday. Goodnight, Mylabs~

*HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!*

Everyone’s greeting me but him. Everyone’s texting but him. I don’t want to call him because I might disturb him. Maybe he’s just busy, right? Calm down Enzey! There’s no need to worry. He’s just busy and that’s it. Don’t do something that makes you look clingy or what. But maybe sending him a message wishing him a happy new year is not too much, right? Okay. I’ll text him to greet him with a happy new year. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Happy New Year to you and your family! I hope you’re doing fine.” Okay, sent. That’s it.

“Hey! Are you okay? You’ve been staring at your phone since you arrived. Are you waiting for something important?” Victoria asked.

We’re back to work. As I wished, the vacation ends in just one blink. After sending him a message that New Year Eve, I haven’t received any reply from him. I don’t know why? I want to ask him but he’s on leave for another week. I don’t want to text him because I might get disappointed once again. But I can’t help but think about it over and over as well. Is he okay? I hope he’s not hurt or been caught in an accident. *Deep sigh*

“Yah! Are you okay? What’s the problem?” Charlotte tapped my shoulder so hard that it made me come back to reality.

“OUCH! Why are you hitting me?!” I exclaimed with a super annoyed facial expression.

“To make you snapped out and get your sh*t back! Why?” Victoria shouted but she can’t hide the fact that she’s quite concerned about me.

“Ah. Okay. So what were you asking?” I blurted.

“Never mind! You’re hopeless.” Charlotte said.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m sorry guys!” I replied.

“Snap it out Enzey! You have a meeting at 10 am. I’m not even your secretary but I feel like I have to remind you or else you’ll be in trouble anytime soon.” Victoria said.

“Thanks! I’ll return the favor next time when you need it too.” I uttered.

What’s happening to you Enzey! Pull yourself back to reality and stop thinking about him. You can neither solve your problem nor get an answer to all of your questions if you’ll keep looking at your phone. Just shake it off and concentrate on your job.

It’s lunchtime. We are all gathered here in the pantry, enjoying a feast of free lunch in celebration of a flawless year-end inventory count report. Fortunately, everything’s onset. No missing records or overstocked products. While eating, everyone’s chatting until Victoria shared some news she heard from Ms. Jeanne.

“Hey, Enzey! Do you know that Paul is on leave for a week?” She asked.

“Uhm, yeah! Why?”

“Oh, ~ Did he asked for your permission if he can take a leave?” Charlotte teasing me.

“No. I just heard it from Stephy. He has not been texting me since the shutdown. And I don’t even know why he has to leave for a week.” I replied.

“Ah~ That’s why you’re spacing out a while ago,” Victoria uttered. And all I can reply is another sigh. What can I say? I can’t even deny it when I’ve been acting this way.

“Is there’s something wrong between the two of you? Is there something you want to share with us?” She added. Should I say we kissed that day and now I’m being ghosted by him? No, no. It will ruin my image. They’ll think I am easy to get. But I want to ask their opinion and advice regarding this matter or else my brain will be about to burst. But no, no Enzey! You have to keep it to yourself until you and Paul talked about this.

“Hey! Are you okay?” Charlotte said out of concern.

“Y-yeah~ I’m okay. I just remember that I have a report to submit within the day.” I lied.

“Whatever it may be, always remember that we’re here for you. No matter what. No need to hide it or make an excuse. We’ll keep it just between the three of us.” Charlotte added, trying to comfort me.

In the middle of our conversation, Stephy came...

“Girls, if ever you know someone who’s looking for a job, please let me know. I will highly appreciate it if you’ll recommend someone from your school.” Stephy butted in.

“Why? Do we need a new employee? For what department?” I asked.

“For your department. Don’t you know that Paul will be resigning because he will go to Canada to follow his fiancé?” She replied.

What? Did I hear it right? Fiancé? As in someone he’s engaged with? Someone he promised to marry? So, what about me? What about us? What about that night? That magical night? So that’s it. No more goodbye, just left me hanging?

“Enzey! Enzey! Hey! Are you okay?” Victoria asked with full of concern seeing me spacing out once again in the middle of a conversation. I was shocked and overwhelmed by the news I heard. I don’t even know what to say.

“A-Uhm. Y-yeah! I’m okay. Excuse me, I just need to go to the powder room.” I excused myself. I have to or else I might shed tears in front of them.

I don’t know what to say or what to do. Everything’s a first. First crush, first love, first kiss… first heartbreak. I can’t believe I was deceived by a man who’s engaged already. I kissed someone who’s taken by somebody else. I can’t believe I let myself fell for someone like him. I can’t believe I followed this foolish heart of mine. Now, what? What should I do next? I’m feeling lost once again. My mind is clouded by the hundreds of questions with no answer. All I know is I have to go back to the pantry act like nothing’s wrong and keep my thoughts intact.

We went back to work as if nothing happened. And I have to go back to work as if everything’s okay. I made myself busy or else I might think about him over and over again. I even took an overtime so that my mind will be filled with work-related matters and nothing else.

It’s 10:30 pm. I don’t have the appetite to eat dinner. I just brought the two cans of beer and chips in my room hoping that it will help me get some sleep. I hope this beer and music could give me some comfort. I washed my face trying to avoid my eyes from shedding tears. Luckily, everyone’s asleep so no one will bother me. I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone right now.

As I was lying on my bed, I can’t help but go back to that wonderful night. Everything is so magical. But I forgot that magic is just an illusion. Magic is something made to make you believe what’s in front of you. Just like Taylor Swift, “he’s a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. I should have been careful. I shouldn’t let my feelings overpower me. I should have been more cautious. Now, look what you’ve done to yourself. I want to talk to him but I don’t dare to do so. But still, I have to hear it from him. I have to hear those words or else I might have regret and wouldn’t be able to move on from this pain. They say closure is very important when it comes to moving on. Either you came from a relationship or even if it is unrequited love.

“Hey! How are you? Can we talk?” I gather all the courage in me and texted him. It’s better to end it this way or else, he will leave me hanging. Fortunately, he replied to me after a few minutes.

“I’m doing fine. Sorry, I was quite busy doing some errands. I’m going to the office tomorrow. Let’s have some lunch together.”

I don’t know why but I feel like my heart was pierced by a sharp object. The pain is driving me crazy. I’m done with the two cans of beer but still can’t even get a night of sleep. I know that this is what I’ve been waiting for, to talk about us, but I don’t know if I can even say a single word when we meet each other face to face. But I have to do this for myself. I have to do something to save myself from this nightmare.

===========

“Enzey! I saw Paul going to the HR Office. I thought he’s on leave?” Charlotte asked.

“Maybe he will submit his resignation letter.” Victoria butted in.

“Maybe,” I said nonchalantly. I don’t have the energy to explain anything or even talk to anyone because of a lack of sleep. I wasn’t able to take a nap because my head is full of unnecessary thoughts.

“Anyway, I will be having lunch outside the office. You two can go out without me.” I said.

“Why? Do you have a lunch date with Paul?” Charlotte teasing me.

“It would be better if it is a date. But I guess it’s a farewell treat for me.” I can’t help but release a deep sigh.

“Okay! Choose the most expensive meal. You at least deserve it from him.” Victoria said.

“Okay.” That’s all I can say. Then suddenly someone knocked on the door. It’s Paul.

“Shall we?” He asked. But unlike before, he wasn’t smiling at me. He seems more serious right now. I haven’t seen this side of him before. I am getting more nervous than ever. But still, we have to talk this out. After we’re done with the lunch, we decided to get some coffee in the nearest café and sit somewhere.

“So why were you in the HR Office a while ago?” I asked. Trying to loosen up the mood because I feel like anytime, everything will burst out.

“I submitted my resignation letter.” He replied shortly.

“Oh~ So you’re leaving? Officially.” I said with my cracking voice, trying to keep my grip or else I might cry in front of him.

“Yes. Enzey, I am sorry.” He said out of nowhere. It was not my first time hearing someone apologize to me but this is the first time feeling this emotion because of one sorry. I feel pain, sorrow, and anger at the same time. So that’s it? Not even trying to make an excuse why are you sorry for me? So you will not tell me that you were engaged and keep the lie on yourself until the end?!

They say action speaks louder than words but all I want to hear right now, to make things clear and real, is just these three words. It’s either “I like you” or “I love you”. But “I am sorry” was never in my options.

“Sorry for what?” I sipped the iced coffee trying to avoid his gaze. I have to drink something because I feel like something is bulking up in my throat. I think I’m about to cry with his answer.

“I’m sorry for that night.” He’s trying to meet my eyes but I‘m doing my best to avoid it. I don’t want to shed even a drop of tear in front of him. I have to act cool or else I will crumble down.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I will respond to that statement. I couldn’t say “It’s okay” ‘coz I’m not. It was never okay and it will never be okay. However, I couldn’t blame it all on him. I have my fair share in letting this happen. But still, he lied to me. He made me believe that we have us. I don’t even have the right to ask “what about us” because he is engaged. And he’s leaving the country to follow her so what’s the point. All I have right now is pride.

“I heard you’re leaving for Canada?” I tried changing the topic.

“Yes. Next week. I didn’t think that my visa will be approved.” He said. Continuously talking with him is pointless.

“Ah. Okay. Well, I have to leave. The lunchtime is over. Thanks for the treat. Have a safe trip.” I said and turned around.

Fortunately, my tears fell after I turn my back on him. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I have to leave before my eyes will be filled with tears. My vision becomes blurry but I couldn’t wipe my tears ‘coz he might notice I’m crying. He stays seated as if he’s waiting for me to turn around but I won’t. In your dreams, you as*h*le!