Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

Hallways Full Of Drama

Dear Diary,

I’m possibly ruining everything good in my life. I just knew s**t would go down, when I failed to deal with stuff that I should’ve dealt with.

It’s all one big misunderstanding. One that my brother caused. You know, the one who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Or at least doesn’t know how to deliver some information. Someone just shoot me, please.

Actually no, scratch that. I can’t afford to add ‘suicidal thoughts’ to the list of my mental health problems. It’s already long enough to begin with.

Mom doesn’t let us sleep in for long that Sunday. Only until ten. We went to bed around three in the morning, I think. She’s the one cooking, since grandma went to church. After lunch, it’s time for us to leave.

But before that, we help dad with putting away the decorations from grandma’s backyard. It’s only fair, since they were put up for us in the first place. I still can’t believe they set all that up just to give us one last homecoming together.

After lunch, I try to enjoy the present moment. You know, practicing gratitude and all that. Whenever I feel peaceful and happy, I try to anchor myself in that time and place, forcing my mind to percept it as something that lasts much longer than it actually does.

It’s actually a practice that Mrs. Collins encouraged. I’m keeping an open mind about those therapy sessions, because I know my parents won’t leave me alone until they see some progress. So, I’m trying.

But I can’t stop the waterfalls as it’s time for us to leave. Not even after helping grandma do the dishes, getting some one on one time with her that I’ve been desperately needing for the whole weekend. She asked me about boys. And I told her there is someone. Just didn’t say who.

Anyway, as we’re saying our goodbyes, I cry like a baby as grandma wraps me into a hug. No one even comments on my emotional state anymore and I’m grateful for that. However, I can barely bring myself to walk away from my tiny, fragile grandmother, who suddenly looks completely lost as we’re all leaving.

I don’t stop crying even as we’re already driving away. Leslie hugs me, but it doesn’t last for a long time, because I already get sick from not watching the road. So, I sniffle quietly, wiping the tears from time to time.

“We’ll come back soon, Perrie. Don’t worry,” my dad gently reminds me, and I just nod in response. I know he can see me in the rearview mirror, because he doesn’t say anything else.

I carry the words that grandma said to me, in my mind for the whole ride. She said that nothing made grandpa happier than spending time with us. That she’s grateful for all the summers we spent at their house. And that she can simply feel his presence whenever all of us are gathered. She just knows he’s there, to watch over us.

Her words are partially the reason why I can’t stop crying for the life of me. My mom hands me a whole package of tissues, because she knows that I’ll need them. Leslie holds my hand, knowing that I need her full support right now. Even if she has no idea what broke me so badly this time.

What makes me completely lose it, though, is the way Hunter doesn’t leave me any personal space. I’m well aware that he’s not going to hug me in a full car and I’m relieved about that. But he presses his leg against mine, not leaving even an inch of free space between us.

I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but there’s a moment when he even rubs his knee against mine. Like he’s trying to comfort me in secret. I have no idea what to think. And also, my head is way too preoccupied to guess what he’s trying to tell me.

As we finally get home, I manage to calm down a little. Luckily my best friend is still staying with me tonight, so I’ll at least have a comforting presence beside me at night. I really need to pull myself together. But the problem is, I don’t know how.

Monday morning feels like it was sent from hell. We’re late, that’s the first thing. I’m not rested, because we had a weird sleeping schedule the day before and because I tossed and turned for quite some time tonight.

Part two, we wait for Aiden to pack his backpack, because he forgot to do it the night before. Saying that mom is furious would be an understatement. She’s on the verge of raging, actually. She probably contains herself because Leslie is present.

Five minutes later, we’re already racing to school and I can’t help but get this weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. Like something’s off. I brush it away, knowing that it’s probably just my anxiety, creeping up again.

It’s all good. I get to see Eric again. He knows that mom and dad threw us a little homecoming gathering on Saturday, and that’s why I didn’t text him the whole evening. But I didn’t dare to mention that it was actually a proper homecoming. I don’t want him to get jealous for no reason.

He’s already waiting for me by my locker as soon as I get to the hallway. My face lights up and in that moment, I leave all the crying and the tension behind me. We greet each other with a kiss, that lasts a little longer than it usually does. But hey, I’m not complaining.

“I missed you,” he then lets me know before I’m even able to greet him. I chuckle. He can be so impatient.

“Hello to you, as well,” I remark jokingly, making the corners of his mouth twitch a little. “I missed you too,” I then add, earning myself another kiss.

In that moment, I notice someone else sharing a moment, similar to ours. Cassie has her arms wrapped around my brother’s neck, and is practically sticking her tongue down his throat. Okay, a, gross, b, that’s not how I wanted my Monday to go and c, I haven’t missed seeing that harpy one bit.

Luckily, the school bell rings just in that moment and I turn my head to see Leslie and Hunter both standing there awkwardly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone third-wheeling in such an obvious way. I don’t know why, but I slip out of Eric’s grasp, telling him that we’ll catch up later.

Then, I leave with Leslie, but not before catching Hunter’s hardened gaze, which soon moves towards Eric. I try to ignore it, but you know that weird feeling in my stomach, that I was talking about? It feels like it has just doubled in size.

But the day starts and goes on smoothly for quite a while, so I stop overthinking. I have my appointment with Mrs. Collins today and I’ll be able to talk to her about my anxiety. Is it even normal to feel so anxious all the time?

I’m just trying to figure that out, when I get message from Eric. It’s a pretty short one, but more effective than ten lines of text would have been. I’m not one to check my phone during classes, but I can’t help it this time. I happened to see the screen light up in my bag.

We need to talk, it says. I freeze, a thousand things already going through my head. Okay, there are multiple ways this can go. I have no idea which scenario is going to happen, but now I know what that weird feeling in my stomach was about. I’m practically able to predict the future. Great. No pressure, Perrie.

Leslie clears her throat in a meaningful way from behind me. I turn my head with wide eyes, like trying to ask her if she was able to see what Eric texted me. She didn’t. Right. How could’ve she? She’s not an eagle to be able to see that far away.

She sends me a questioning gaze, but I just shake my head. I’ll tell her during the break. However, as soon as the bell rings, I begin putting my stuff away and pull my phone out in the process. Just as I place it on Leslie’s desk and make the screen light up, I already hear some commotion from the outside of the classroom. When the door opens, a flood of voices travels inside. But one of them stands out. Two, actually.

I freeze and turn towards the direction of the door. Oh my God, what’s going on? I rush outside only to see my own class gathered around our neighbors. Which happens to be my brother’s class. And the familiar voices that I heard … Well, one of them belongs to my boyfriend. The other, much to my surprise, is Hunter’s.

“…your chance! Now leave her alone!” Eric yells at him, while I just stand there, completely frozen in shock. My brother stands in the middle, trying to keep them away from one another. I’ve never seen any of them fight before. At least not like this. I can tell I’m starting to get noticed.

“You’re just lucky that I have enough respect for Aiden to not go after his sister, unlike you!” Hunter fights back. Oh, holy cow. In that moment, I decide to take measure and try to get through the crowd. I push through until I’m standing before the three of them, shaken as I realize I’m willingly heading into the center of attention.

“Hey, what the hell is that supposed to mean?” my brother asks Hunter with a frown on his face, while Eric turns his head towards me. As disappointment flashes across his face, I’m taken aback. What is this?

Before I’m able to say anything, he already pushes through the crowd and escapes me. Um, what the hell? I glance at my brother in shock. “What is this whole thing?” I want to know, hating the way my voice trembles as I speak up in front of all those students.

Aiden gets closer and leads me away, leaving Hunter standing in the middle. As we get far enough, he finally explains: “I let it slip that you were dancing with Hunter on Saturday, because I thought you told Eric about our little homecoming-style party.”

I freeze as I hear the words come out of his mouth, then shake my head in disbelief. “Oh, God, Aiden,” I mutter under my breath, before quickly rushing after Eric. Before it’s too late. There was a reason why I kept that for myself, I didn’t want him to feel jealous!

I can hear my brother calling after me, but I decide to ignore him. I have to fix this, it’s all my fault after all. Maybe I should’ve been honest about this. I should’ve known my brother can’t keep his mouth shut.

Soon enough, I see him outside, at the football field. He looks like he could kick something. I take a deep breath, before going to him. I approach him quietly, even if I know that he can hear me coming. There’s no one outside after all. The silence is almost deadly.

He doesn’t look at me even as I literally stop in front of him. “Eric, I’m not sure what you heard, but-”

“Were you dancing with him the whole night?” he interrupts me before I’m able to finish the sentence. He looks at me with so many emotions flickering across his face that I don’t answer immediately.

Finally, the gift of speech finds me again as he raises his hands towards his head and buries them into his hair. “No! I mean, we were dancing, but I danced with my brother too,” I tell him the truth with a heavy heart. It’s not like I did anything wrong! Apart from crying inside Hunter’s embrace. Gosh, Perrie, your boyfriend doesn’t know that and it’s best that you keep it that way.

Eric scoffs in response, then shakes his head in disbelief. What he asks next, has me shaken to my core. “Why are you with me?” he wants to know. I blink in surprise. Is he for real right now?

“Because I want to be!” I retort, unable to believe that things escalated so quickly. Because I danced with someone else! I hope this doesn’t become a red-flag situation. I genuinely like spending time with him.

He stares at me for a long moment, before letting out a long breath. “It really hurts, Perrie. I’m the one who gathered the courage to ask you out first. I’m the one, who wanted you to attend homecoming with me, even if I knew you were out of town that weekend. I treated you with respect and you don’t have the guts to tell me the truth? Why? What were you afraid of?”

“I was afraid of this kind of reaction!” I finally admit, feeling like I could start crying soon. Eric blinks in surprise. Wasn’t it an obvious answer?

“You know what? If you actually told me yourself … If you actually said, hey, our parents threw us a homecoming and we all danced with each other, I’d be fine with it. But hearing it from your brother, when he asked Hunter to teach him that spin that he did with you? That was a knife to my back. Because it meant that you felt the need to hide that away from me. I really don’t get why,” he tells me quietly and calmly. To be honest, it hurts much more than if he screamed the words to my face.

“How could I have known you wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if I told you myself?” I practically whisper, suddenly feeling like someone just sucked all of my energy away. Eric takes a step closer but only to let me see how disappointed he is.

“You should’ve put your trust in me. That’s how,” he murmurs, before turning on his heel, leaving me standing in the middle of the field all by myself.