Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

A Non-Traditional Dance

I can’t bring myself to say a single word. I just nod, then take his hand and let him lead me beside him. My heart is beating loudly somewhere in my ears, and I’m praying to God that Hunter can’t hear it, as he pulls me closer. You’re just going to dance with him, Perrie. No big deal.

I put my hands on his shoulders so gently, like I’m afraid to hurt him. As I feel his on my waist, I stiffen a little. But I force myself to relax, because there’s no way I’m getting away from him anytime soon. Mom and dad really went out of their way to prepare this. I can’t act like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

But as I shiver against my will, Hunter whispers into my ear: “Are you cold?” As I quickly shake my head in response, I realize it was the stupidest response I could come up with. You’re unbelievable, Perrie. What is he going to think now? “Afraid of me?” he keeps boring into me with questions.

I freeze, shaking my head so quickly that it feels like it’s going to roll off my shoulders. “Uh, no?” I declare, only to realize it came out more as a question. In that moment, I make the mistake of meeting his gaze. He’s watching me in a way that I can’t describe.

“We’re running out of options here. Why are you shivering then?” he asks, not even bothering to hide the suggestiveness inside his tone. I draw in a sharp breath as I realize what he’s implying. My eyes flutter and I force myself to turn my head away.

“I don’t know. Maybe it is kinda cold,” I conclude, making him wrap himself into silence. But not before letting out an unconvinced sound. Something between a chuckle and a scoff. I don’t know how to explain it to myself.

We dance in silence after that, even if I can barely take the feeling of his grasp on me. I can’t believe I’m dancing with someone else, when I should’ve been dancing with Eric right now. What is he thinking, now that I’m not responding to his texts?

The thought of my boyfriend affects me like a cold shower. I look even more miserable if physically possible. It’s what makes Hunter give up on any kind of conversation, while Aiden and Leslie are chatting away like two besties. I can’t believe this. He makes her laugh so hard, that I almost feel sad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s cheering her up. It’s just that … I don’t know, maybe it’s all my fault that I’m not having as much fun with Hunter as I could. I just can’t get over yesterday.

We’re just ending the opening dance, when my parents and grandma arrive with snacks. And drinks. We take some time off, and I’m more than relieved to have Hunter’s hands off me. But he doesn’t leave me out of sight. Or let me wander too far away.

The adults let us hang out alone after that. Very trusting of them. I almost wish my mom would be watching over us, so no one would dare to make any moves. Perrie, now you’re seriously overreacting. You’re all just dancing.

Luckily for me, my brother decides to save me from my misery for the next few songs and lets Leslie dance with Hunter. They don’t talk as much as her and Aiden did, but they still seem to be having fun. Am I the problem?

“Jeez, sis, cheer up a little. You look like you’re attending a funeral,” my brother attempts to make a joke after quite a few minutes of silence. Or rather after a few failed attempts to make me laugh. I send him a look as I shake my head at him slightly.

“You know what day it is,” I remind him, finally having a proper excuse for my sour mood. And in a way, it’s not even an excuse. Grandpa’s birthday was always something special. It was just as much of a holiday as Christmas was. He’d take us somewhere he’d never been before. We’d do something fun, like kayaking on the river or climbing a hill. I miss that.

Aiden sighs at the look on my face, then leans the side of his head against mine in a compassionate way. But all that does, is make me panic. He knows that grandpa used to do that whenever he tried to comfort me. Without even knowing it, I dig my fingers into his shoulder, making him realize that this was the wrong move.

He pulls away and runs his hand up and down my back, clearly not knowing what to do with me anymore. I can tell by the sigh he lets out next. “It’s okay, Pez. I miss him too. Everyone does. But you can’t let this hold you back. He would’ve wanted you to move on with your life,” he speaks up.

I press my lips together, not wanting to cry. Not when Leslie did my makeup so nicely. Not when our parents did something so kind for us. I can’t deal with this right now. “Please stop talking about him,” I tell him in a hasty way.

Aiden gives me a short nod in agreement, then pats my back in an awkward way. “Want us to switch a little? I don’t want us to seem rude to our guests,” he suggests. I try not to panic, so I do the only reasonable thing that my mind comes up with. I nod in response, even if I want to shake my head instead. “Okay. When this song ends.”

Which happens way too soon, to be honest. At least I’m not all tear-eyed as we walk over to Leslie and Hunter. To be honest, they both look a little too excited about the switch. I’m not sure who seems happier.

My best friend eyes me in a meaningful way as she leaves Hunter’s side, while all I want to do is run away, screaming. His expression becomes a neutral one and he keeps it that way as we start dancing. “At least I’m not the reason behind your misery,” he suddenly remarks, almost making me step on his foot.

I stumble a little, but he doesn’t comment on me, embarrassing myself. “What are you talking about?” I ask, not knowing where he’s going with this. His chest falls as he lets out a long breath.

“Not even your brother could make you laugh. Why are you doing this to yourself?” he wonders. I know exactly what he’s referring to. But I don’t hold the answer to that, so I shrug in response. “Perrie, can we make a deal?” he asks a little impatiently as he realizes he won’t get a useful response out of me.

I look up at him with wide eyes. “Well … It depends what kind of deal you have in mind,” I try to save myself. He stares down at me in a serious way.

“Try to forget everything tonight. Pretend that it’s just another normal year. Another homecoming dance. Leave all your worries back there, where they belong, and just enjoy yourself. Can you do that?” he wants to know.

I stare at him in surprise. Okay, I don’t know what I was expecting to hear from him, but it sure wasn’t something like this. “It’s literally his backyard, Hunter,” I respond quietly, surprised that he’s even able to hear me through the music.

His eyes darken like he’s mad at me or something. “That’s exactly why you should be unwinding tonight. Celebrate his existence, if I’m allowed to put it that way,” he still doesn’t quit. I close my eyes for a few moments. If he doesn’t stop, I’ll be bawling my eyes out soon enough.

“Please stop,” I practically beg him, unable to take it anymore. As I lift my eyelids, I realize he’s still watching me. But something about his expression has changed. Before I’m able to ask what he’s up to, I’m already being spun around like a puppet. “Hunter!” I squeal in surprise, just a moment before he brings me back to him.

He smirks contentedly. “Did you say something?” he asks. But I don’t get the chance to respond. “Never mind, I’m probably imagining things,” he concludes instead of waiting for my answer.

In the next moment, he spins me around again. And again. And so many times, that my head is spinning. I’m squealing like crazy, when he suddenly makes me grip him around his neck, while he lifts me and spins us both around.

The gush of wind we make, makes me feel a little cold, but at the same time, it makes me snap out of my misery. Before I know it, I’m already chuckling, staring into the lights that are dancing in circles above my head.

Once my feet touch the ground again, I forget everything. I just exist in the moment. I dance, I laugh, I even sing along to some songs. We all do. We make a circle and dance our feet away like it’s the last night of our lives.

My brother seems happy at sight of me. I don’t miss the slight nod he sends to his best friend, but I decide not to acknowledge it. I really needed this. I don’t know how everyone seems to know what I need better than I do lately.

As we make another switch and I get to dance with my brother, we talk more than we’ve talked in the past couple of months together. I missed him. I mean, I could strangle him sometimes, but he’s my only sibling. We still get along, when we want to. And I’m glad tonight is one of those cases.

We all dance together for some time again, then switch dance partners one last time. That’s because after a few songs, the playlist suddenly comes to an end. I squeal as Hunter spins me around unexpectedly, one last time, then leans me towards the ground.

I’m about to beg him not to let go of me, so I don’t fall on my head, but all worries are in vain. He pulls me back up smoothly, before I even properly start to worry about falling. He chuckles as I’m left speechless.

The four of us just stand there for a few moments, before Leslie heads towards the table and the chairs we’ve barely touched for the whole evening. “Oh what the hell, I’m hungry. Come you guys,” she invites us.

I join her without thinking about it twice and the boys sit down opposite us. We talk, laugh and eat the snacks until we empty the bowls. And only then we decide to head to sleep.

But not before gathering the bowls and glasses to carry them inside, or turning off the magical lights that made our evening. I feel almost sad as we’re enveloped with the darkness of the night. However, my disappointment is soon gone as my vision adjusts to the night, and I gaze upon the sky to see how clear the night is. You can make out every single star that exists up there.

“Uh … Does anyone happen to have a flashlight?” Aiden suddenly breaks the almost romantic silence, making us all burst into laughter after a moment of realization.

We stumble towards the house, holding onto each other, and I realize that I don’t even care who’s touching who anymore. We’ve just had our best homecoming ever. And I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, but I don’t regret dancing with someone, who isn’t my boyfriend. We were just dancing, after all. There’s nothing bad about it.

As we enter, we grow as quiet as we can. Grandma left a tiny lamp lit-up for us, so we don’t wake up the entire house. We put away the dishes, then quietly tiptoe upstairs. The boys decide to be gentlemen and let the two of us use the bathroom first.

Once I finish, I go to their room, to let them know that they’re free to use it now. Aiden makes his best friend go first and as we’re walking down the hallway together, I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. “Thank you for tonight. You really helped me,” I admit. I was gathering the courage to say that, when I was taking a shower. I practically had to force myself into it.

Hunter stops with his hand on the door, already halfway in. He smiles, making me mimic his expression without even realizing it. “After everything your family’s done for me, it seemed like the only right thing to do,” he responds.

I close my mouth, suddenly not knowing what to say to that. “Hunter … You’re practically family, you know that,” I murmur, trying my best to keep my voice down. He nods, and I can see the gratitude glistening inside his eyes.

“I know,” he assures me, before pushing the door fully open. “Good night.” Alright, that’s my cue, if I don’t want to see him stripping in front of my eyes.

“Good night,” I quickly tell him, then escape into my room.