Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

It's All One Big, Tangled Ball Of Yarn

Dear Diary,

I’m not a fixer. I never was one. I was never one of those miracle kids, who could grab a wrench and a hammer and make something useful come out of a piece of paper and an old spoon. I’m even worse at fixing relationships.

I have no idea what to do, what to say, or where to even look. I just want things to go back to the way before. But I can’t do that without earning myself forgiveness. And that’s where my problem starts. I have no idea how to achieve that.

How do you make up to someone, when you screw things up as badly as I have?

I can barely function in my next class. I stare into blank space, trying to figure out how things came to this extent. I almost start shaking my head at myself. None of this would have happened if Nicole hadn’t put makeup on my face! I would still be invisible and no one would be disappointed in me except maybe my mom.

I feel bad. I feel really bad. Like I'm the worst person in the world. I really didn't mean to hurt Eric. Honestly, I don't even understand why I only told him part of the truth. I do trust him, I just ... I don't know. I have no idea what to do now. I really don't want him to hate me now. I actually like him. He's nice, he treats me well, my brother came to terms that we're dating now ... Ugh, I just have to screw up everything!

"Perrie," I suddenly hear my name being called, violently yanking me from the thoughts that are flooding through my head. I look up in surprise, realizing that the professor doesn't seem very pleased with me. "Can you answer the question?" he presses onto me. I look around in panic, feeling my eyes stinging. I have no idea what the question even was.

I look up at him in shame, shaking my head ever so slightly. "I'm sorry, what was the question?" I then mumble quietly, making the whole class snicker. I slump my shoulders in shame. Great. They'll have something to talk about again. Mr. Jacobs crosses his arms against his chest, disapproval written all over his face.

He completely ignores me and turns around, looking around the rest of the class. "Anyone else?" I wish the ground would open beneath me and swallow me whole. Then spit me out somewhere in Hawaii, or I don't know, the Maldives maybe. Okay, I'm letting my intrusive thoughts win again.

In that moment, Cassie raises her hand with a small smile playing around her lips. "Joule's law is the mathematical description of the rate at which resistance in a circuit transforms electrical energy into heating energy," she practically recites the answer from the textbook. I can barely prevent myself from rolling my eyes. I know that, too. I just wasn't listening to the question to be able to answer.

"Outstanding, Miss Wagner," the professor tells her, before suddenly turning to me. "Miss Hughes, I suggest you start paying attention in class, if you don't want to be doing any extracurricular activities for my subject," he informs me coldly, then spins around before I'm able to utter a single word in my defense. I look over my shoulder, meeting my best friend’s sympathetic gaze. I shrug defeatedly, then turn back around before the professor decides to punish me.

I see Eric during lunch break. I give him his space for about ten minutes, which is as long as it takes me to put three spoons in my mouth. My appetite is completely non-existent. But as he notices that I’m getting up with my tray, he freezes, then says something to my brother, who looks my way with a pitiful gaze.

After Aiden nods, I notice Eric is picking up his backpack. Before I’m able to put my tray away, he’s already disappearing through the exit. I slump my shoulders in defeat, slamming the tray down with a little more force than necessary.

I’m well aware that my best friend is watching me, because I can feel her gaze pinned on my back. But she knows better than to tell me what to do in this situation. I need to go through this on my own and she understands that.

Suddenly, I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and I freeze in surprise. But just for a moment. As I turn around, I come face to face with my brother. “I’m sorry, Pez. I didn’t realize you didn’t tell Eric much about our little homecoming gathering,” he apologizes. I stare at him, expressionless.

I’ve been ignoring his texts for the last couple of hours. Because I’m mad that he didn’t give me the chance to try to gather my courage and tell Eric the truth myself. Ugh. I’m not even that mad at my clueless brother, because he didn’t know that I lied. The only person I have to blame here, is me.

I find myself shaking my head, feeling tears coming to my eyes as realization hits me. I did this. Not my brother, not Hunter, me. It’s all my fault. “Get me out of here, please,” I squeal, as I realize other students are starting to pick up that something’s going on. How wouldn’t they? After that scene in the hallways? And now seeing me, on the verge of tears?

Aiden doesn’t say a single word. He simply throws his arm around my shoulders in a protective way and leads me out as fast as he can. I keep my head down, like it can hide me from prying gazes. I can hear footsteps rushing after us, and I just hope to God that it’s my best friend, not my brother’s.

To my luck, it’s Leslie. I can hear her voice travel to my ears, but I’m too wrapped up in my head to hear what she’s saying. Then, I feel my brother’s voice from the depths of his stomach as he responds. But I don’t listen to what he’s saying either.

He sits me down somewhere and makes me look at him, waving his hand in front of my face. I notice something strange in his gaze. Fear. He looks terrified. He’s completely pale. He shakes my shoulders. “Damn it, Perrie, snap out of it!” he panics, his words finally starting to make sense to me.

I blink like I’ve just woken up from a deep slumber. “I’m here,” I mumble, making him let out a long, relieved breath. Leslie plumps herself down next to me and wraps me into a hug.

“Don’t ever scare me like that again. I thought …” Aiden begins, then trails off, his voice shaking ever so slightly. In the next moment, I notice him shaking his head like he’s gone mad. “That’s it. I’m going to knock some sense into that dimwit. I warned him not to hurt you,” he then decides all of a sudden.

It takes me a moment to realize what he’s saying and I gasp. Leslie tenses and as Aiden turns around to leave, she reaches out and grabs his sleeve, to prevent him from doing it. “Are you insane? Perrie is important now! We have to make sure that she’s alright, we can’t have her going to her next class like this!” she fights him.

My brother looks at her like she’s the crazy one. But as he looks down at her hand, now clasped around his wrist in an attempt to hold him back, his expression shifts. He looks back at her face, staring at her in a weird way.

Then, he stops fighting. “Fine,” he says, his eyes jumping towards his wrist, before he brings them back to Leslie’s face. “Would you mind?” he wonders in a slightly teasing tone, making me blink in confusion. My best friend lets go of him like he burned her and turns towards me.

My brother joins us on the right side of the bench, just as Leslie starts talking. “Do you want to go home? You can’t attend classes in this state. Some teacher is surely going to notice you’re not okay,” she begins.

I shake my head, refusing to go home. “No. No way. I’m not going to explain to my mom why I lied about being sick,” I turn down her idea immediately. My best friend sighs, while Aiden joins in.

“Pez, you can’t sit in school like this,” he tries to persuade me, but I shake my head, turning towards him with tears in my eyes. There’s such tension inside my chest that I can barely breathe.

He realizes it as soon as I look at him. “Mom can’t know. You that she can tell whenever I lie. I can’t tell her the truth,” I practically beg him, hoping that he’ll step on my side, just this once. As a kid, he’d always tell me on whenever I lied.

“But you can’t even focus!” Leslie protests from behind me. I don’t look at her. I keep staring at my brother with the same pleading gaze, waiting for his response. He takes a deep breath.

“Are you sure?” he then breathes out, watching me with a worried gaze. I nod. I don’t have another choice. I’ll just do what I did when grandpa died. I’ll throw myself into work to distract myself. My next class is algebra anyway. I’m sure it will provide enough mental stimulation to keep me from thinking about what a horrible person I am.

“You are both stubborn in the same way. Aiden, she’s barely holding herself up!” Leslie protests again, finally making me turn my head towards her. I speak up with a little more tension in my voice that I intended to.

“I’m fine.” Leslie lets out a sharp breath, while Aiden places his hand on my shoulder just as the bell rings. Well, I guess there’s no time to argue anymore. I have a class to attend.

“I’ll talk to him, okay? It’s my fault that this came out the way it did,” my brother semi-apologizes. I look at him with more hope than I care to admit. “But if you realize you don’t feel well enough, text me, okay? I’ll deal with mom somehow,” he then adds.

My best friend doesn’t look happy to let me wander off on my own, but she doesn’t have any other choice. Aiden basically leads her away before she can say anything else. They’re heading in the same direction, because their classrooms are close by. I sigh before rushing towards the other end of the school. I don’t want to be late.

As I get to the classroom, I realize my schoolmates are just getting in. Awesome. But opposite us, there’s a group of seniors, still waiting for their teacher to arrive. I can’t help but freeze as I notice Hunter amongst them. His gaze already pinned on me.

He stands up and walks over to me before I’m able to escape inside. “Hunter, not now, please. I have a class to attend,” I mumble, fully realizing that there are other students around. Some of them belonging to Cassie’s clique.

“I’ll make it quick. I just wanted to apologize for the scene earlier. I hope you’re okay,” he murmurs quietly enough for only me to hear. I blink in surprise, then shake my head.

“I appreciate the concern. I’m fine,” I tell him bitterly, before joining the line of my classmates again. He doesn’t try to make me talk to him furthermore. And he doesn’t respond to my rudeness either. I hear him walk away, while I try to squeeze into the classroom as fast as I can.

I’m sorry, Hunter, but my life is a big enough mess without your input. I look over my shoulder before closing the door, noticing the way he’s staring into the ground with his shoulders slumped. And in that moment, bad conscience tightens its nasty fist around my heart.