Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

To Be A Confused Teenager

Dear Diary,

Maybe I deserve to have bad things happening to me. I mean, after all, I’m not making anyone happy, am I? All I’m doing is pushing people away. I’m ruining every single relationship in my life.

I wonder what would grandpa say. My therapist told me to write it down. Literally make a list. Or write a damn essay. What would grandpa say to my actions? I don’t know if I have the heart to do this to myself. Because I know that he’d be disappointed.

Nope, I’m not doing it. I don’t want to imagine the ways he’d scold me, because even thinking about that is going to make me miss him even more.

I’m sitting in Mrs. Collins’ office after school. My mom took me there despite my protests. I told her I’m not feeling well, she told me I might feel better after I talk to someone. So, yeah, I couldn’t win.

Aiden didn’t manage to tell me if he talked to Eric or not, because I didn’t see him until we were ready to hop into mom’s car after school. He probably can’t wait to get his license, so he can drive to school on his own. He’s only started his driving lessons, but I’m sure he’ll be successful. He’s always good at everything he does.

We couldn’t communicate in the car, and I knew he’d be home late, because he has practice after my therapy session. Well, him and Hunter both. But my brother can finally attend them now that we’re officially not grounded anymore.

Hunter is sitting on my left quietly, staring through the window. He’s barely acknowledged me since I acted so mean towards him before my Algebra class. I guess my therapist and I will have some talking material today. Except I can’t really talk to her about boys so openly, because she talks about everything to my dad.

I glance over at him as say goodbye to everyone, but he barely even looks at me as he mumbles his greeting back. It makes me feel double guilty. I really need help, before I ruin everything I have in life.

As I sit in Mrs. Collins’ office, and wait for her to go through my last few diary entries, I’m shuffling with my feet against the ground. I’m nervous. The last one is from today, and instead of seeing any progress, she probably sees that I’m totally spiraling. Yeah, I don’t feel exactly optimistic right now.

Once she puts her reading glasses down and lifts her gaze, there’s a crease between her eyebrows. I glance at her glasses, noticing a tiny Dolce & Gabbana writing on the edge of the thin, metal frames. “Perrie. Is there something you feel the need to talk about?” she asks, making me bring my eyes back to her face.

She looks older than she seemed the first time I stepped foot into her office. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to seeing her face now. Or perhaps it’s the fact that she has to deal with patients like me all the time.

I blink, then shake my head, making her sigh and lean on her elbows. She sends me a stern gaze. “I’m not sure what you’re afraid of, but I can try to help you if you open up to me. If you don’t, you might never get the chance to feel better and move on with your life … Did you have a strained relationship with your grandfather?” she asks.

I freeze, shaking my head almost immediately. “No, it was far from that. We understood each other. Really understood. I … I don’t think there’s anyone else in this world, who will ever understand me as much as he did …” I trail off, feeling a lump in my throat as I talk about him again. I try to swallow it before continuing. “It’s why I keep screwing things up, I never had to explain anything to him, because he … He understood. And I feel like no one else does,” I conclude.

My therapist stares at me for a moment, clearly not having a clue what I’m talking about. “We’re spinning in circles here, you will have to be a little more specific. What happened that made you feel like you’re misunderstood? Why do you think you’re ruining every relationship in your life?” she bores into me, her eyes looking so stern that they make me c***k under pressure.

“I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can talk to you openly, when I know you tell everything I say to my dad,” I blurt out before I’m able to stop myself. She looks taken aback for a moment, and almost a little ashamed.

“Well … You’re a minor, Perrie. Your parents still have guardian rights over you. They’re obligated to know what’s happening,” she tries to explain as nicely as she can. I’m holding my breath, feeling so overwhelmed by her confirmation, that I can’t bring myself to say a word. “But … If there’s something you’d like to keep between us, you only need to say it. Unless there’s drugs and alcohol involved,” she then adds.

I look at her with a little more hope in my eyes and I feel like someone’s just lifted their fat ass from my chest, finally allowing me to breathe. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just … I’ve started dating and I really don’t want my parents to know just yet,” I finally admit, relieved to be able to say it out loud.

Mrs. Collins sends me a sympathetic gaze, almost relieved to hear that I’m not becoming an addict. Then, she winks at me. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Now. You can tell me what happened. I promise I won’t tell your parents, I’ll only try to help you the best way I can.”

I hesitate for a moment longer, then finally decide to take a leap of faith and trust her. I tell her everything. About Eric, about our homecoming, about Hunter … She listens quietly all the time, waiting for me to finish. Then, she nods to herself for a moment, before speaking up.

“It sounds to me like you need to learn how to communicate properly. People are different. Everyone needs a different approach, but the key is to talk. Your boyfriend is angry, because you hid part of the truth from him. And the other boy … Well, I’m not entirely sure what your relationship with him is like, but it sounds like you’re really important to him,” she tells me.

I take in her words, feeling even more guilty than I did before. “I … Well, I tried talking to Eric, but he’s just too mad to listen to me. I hope my brother managed to get something out of him … And Hunter is … I don’t know, he’s basically part of our family. He’s my brother’s best friend. So, yeah, I guess you could say I’m … important to him,” I mumble in response.

Mrs. Collins’ closes my diary and hands it back to me. “Try talking to both of them. As openly as you just did to me. You might be surprised by how things turn out,” she suggests. I take the notebook from her hands, not fully understanding what she’s trying to tell me with that meaningful gaze she’s sending my way. “And don’t worry. This is going to stay between us.”

As I wait for my dad outside, I’m scrolling through my phone meaninglessly. My fingers are itching for me to type a message to Eric. But I don’t. I don’t want to ruin whatever Aiden managed to achieve.

Dad pulls up after almost twenty minutes of waiting. It’s a good thing it’s not raining today. He has an apologetic look on his face the moment my eyes land on him. “Hey, dad,” I greet him as I open the door.

Once I hop in, he already starts apologizing to me. “Hey, Pez, I’m so sorry that you had to wait this long. A patient was sent in last minute, I couldn’t leave any earlier,” he tells me as I put my seatbelt on.

I look at him with a small smile on my face. “It’s okay, don’t worry. I’m not cold or anything,” I assure him, making him smile back. I know how hard he’s working. And the hospital is often making him work extra hours, because he’s … Well, he’s the best surgeon there. And no, I’m not being biased. Okay, maybe a little bit.

“You’re a sweetheart,” he tells me, before driving us off. The rest of the ride is mostly silent. He asks me how my session was, I say that it was okay. He doesn’t bore into me with questions. That’s what I like about dad. He lets me be. If it were my mom, picking me up today, I’d basically have to give her a full transcription of what the doctor and I talked about.

I keep thinking about what the doctor and I talked about today, basically until I can no longer avoid the fact that I need to talk things out with Eric. And Hunter, too. I really didn’t mean to hurt him today. I was being really rude and I need to apologize. After all, he only wanted to know if I’m doing okay.

I throw myself into homework after grabbing a snack from the fridge, but I can’t get much done. There are so many thoughts swirling around my mind that I can’t concentrate. When I hear the front door open from downstairs, I can barely prevent myself from jumping off the chair and rushing out of my bedroom.

Chill, Perrie. The boys will be coming upstairs soon enough. I force myself to sit still and wait patiently as I hear my brother’s voice travelling to my ears. He’s talking to mom and dad. Then, he shuts up. I tap my pen against the desk nervously. What’s taking them so long?

Finally, I hear quick footsteps coming up the stairs. Okay, sit still, pretend like you have something to do. Well, I actually do have something to do, I just can’t throw myself into it. I twirl around on the chair just a moment after I hear the door closing.

Aiden is standing in my room, not sure where to sit down. “Hey, baby sis,” he greets me. I frown. He literally never calls me that. At least not under normal circumstances. Either he wants something from me, or he’s about to tell me something I’m not going to like.

“Let me guess, Eric doesn’t want to see my face ever again,” I remark in an incredibly pessimistic tone. I’m holding my breath, suddenly getting that strange feeling like someone’s sitting on my chest again.

My brother freezes, then scratches his neck. “Okay, it’s not that bad …” he begins hesitantly, before finally deciding to come closer and sit on the edge of my bed. Well, it might be even worse then, or what? I can feel tears starting to sting my eyes again as Aiden sighs, clearly not knowing how to say what he’s about to say.

“Just tell me, please,” I squeal, hating the way my voice sounds right now. It’s so traitorous, that he immediately knows that I’m on the verge of tears. He frowns at sight of me, panicking.

“He’s disappointed, but he’ll get over it. I know Eric, he’s easy to forgive. He just … He’s not ready to talk to you yet,” he explains quietly. I look away, already feeling hopeless. My brother knows him way better than I do. He should know, right? “Come here, Pez,” he mumbles awkwardly.

I look at him for a moment, noticing that he’s holding his arms open. In that moment, all my defenses crumble and I bolt from the chair, straight onto his lap. I bury my head into his shoulder and he rocks me like a baby. He always used to calm me down like this when we were kids. And he learned it from our grandpa.

When the thought crosses my mind, I start crying even harder. Crap, Perrie, your parents are downstairs and you really can’t afford for them to see you like this. “Shh, it’s all going to be okay. Give him a little space for now, I’m sure he’ll come to you when he’s ready,” he murmurs gently. But what if he doesn’t?