Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

Run, Run, Run, Scream, Scream, Scream

As my brother finally manages to get me to calm down, I realize something’s amiss. I’m just wiping the last traces of tears from my face, when it hits me. “Hey, where did you lose Hunter?” I wonder.

Aiden tenses a little, then lets out a small sigh. “He had to grab something from his room. He didn’t say what. Must be important, if he’s decided to go back to that hellhole. Mom offered to drive him and go get him, but he refused,” he explains.

I tense up as I hear that he went back there, feeling the frown on my face deepen. “I thought …” I start talking, but quickly trail off as I realize where my thoughts are headed. No, Perrie, it’s not all about you. But I can’t fool Aiden. He notices something’s bothering me.

“Why are you asking?” he wants to know. His tone is quiet, almost cautious. Like he’s hoping not to hear what he thinks he’s going to. I look at him, shaking my head.

“I just … God, I have to mess everything up,” I mumble, realizing that I might be saying too much. My brother narrows his eyes at me ever so slightly. He’ll hate me if I tell him.

“What do you mean by that? Did you say something to him?” he bores into me with questions I really don’t want to answer. But I have no other choice now. He won’t stop until I tell him. I slump my shoulders in defeat.

As I shake my head at myself, I finally speak up, saying: “Oh, I … I was rude to him today. After you and Les tried to talk me out of going to my next class, he was waiting in front of the classroom that was opposite mine. He … He came to apologize for making a scene in the hallways … He just tried to make sure that I was okay and I snapped at him … I was just so angry that he practically sabotaged my relationship, but I was actually mad at myself … He didn’t do anything, it’s my fault that I wasn’t honest with Eric.”

Aiden stares at me in surprise for a few moments, then furrows his eyebrows. “So, that’s why he’s been weird the entire afternoon … I thought he was mad at me … But it looks like he was actually mad at you, Pez,” he lets me know.

His words make me feel like someone just pushed my head underwater. I shake my head, tears stinging inside my eyes once again. “I didn’t mean to, I … Am I a bad person, Aiden?” I ask, blinking furiously because I refuse to continue crying.

He shakes his head immediately, looking almost angry. “Don’t be silly. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re a junior, when are you going to sin, if not now?” he attempts to make a joke. He manages to make me c***k a smile, but just for a moment. Because a second later, I’m already crying again.

He sighs and comforts me for a few more minutes, before telling me that he’s very sorry but he has a ton of homework to do. Yeah, same here, but I’m not sure I’ll be getting anything done, now that I know that both Eric and Hunter probably hate me.

My brother makes me sit behind my desk and practically shoves the pen into my hand. “Work now. Forget boys. I knew there’d be trouble with you when you started dating,” he jokes again. This time, he finally manages to make me chuckle in response.

He ruffles my hair, which he knows I absolutely despise, then leaves my room just as I get the idea to throw a pillow after him. Before I manage to get up to grab one, he already disappears through the door, keeping it open, in order not to get me in trouble.

I can’t help but put a small smile on my face at his thoughtfulness. We might be jumping down each other’s throats most of the time, but whoever thinks we don’t care for each other is absolutely wrong. I could strangle him sometimes, yeah. However, he’s still the best big brother in the world.

I force myself to have that thought in my head as I turn back towards my homework. Forget boys, Perrie. I can’t believe Aiden used plural. Like, seriously, it’s just one boy. I shake my head, refusing to torture myself with Eric right now. I have work to do.

About an hour later, I’m so engrossed with my homework, that I barely even register the front door opening and closing again. At least until I hear a familiar voice greet my parents, then rushed footsteps, coming upstairs. I get up from the desk and get to the door just as Hunter appears in front of me.

He stops in his tracks for a moment, then nods at me in greeting, before continuing his way to Aiden’s room. “Hey, wait,” I call after him, making him stop and turn around, but not fully. He simply twists his torso towards me. He’s wearing his jersey, with number eleven printed on his back. The writing above the numbers spells his surname. Adams.

“What?” he asks, almost like he’s keeping some sort of safety distance between us. This is the boy that held me as I cried for my grandpa. The boy that danced with me almost the whole night. He’s the boy made me lose my head and mess up my relationship with Eric. The last thought almost makes my face fall.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you so rudely today. I took it all out on you and it wasn’t fair,” I finally gather the courage to speak up. I bet Dr. Collins would be proud, if she could hear me now. I’m communicating, doctor, yay!

But my little triumph is basically washed down the toilet, as Hunter raises one of his thick eyebrows and says: “Is that it?” My face falls and I feel like he just slapped me. Figuratively speaking, I know he’s not a violent person.

I blink in surprise. “Yeah, I … I’m really sorry,” I repeat myself again, like I’m trying to assure he understands what I’m saying. But his next reaction has my jaw drop. He offers me a sweet smile, before speaking up.

“Good for you.” With that, he turns back around and heads towards Aiden’s room, with his backpack hanging from his right shoulder.

I stare after him like a lunatic, probably with my mouth still hanging open and all that. What the hell just happened?

As I get back behind my desk, I can barely believe that Hunter just brushed me off like that. I mean, I get why he’s salty. I truly do. But damn, I didn’t know he could crush someone this way. I feel … Well, like a complete jerk. And a loser. I am a loser, though. At least according to Cassie and the minions.

I bang my head against the wood. God damn it! I need to get out of this house, or else I’m going to lose it!

I dress into gym clothes, not really knowing why I’m doing this. Finally, I decide to pull a sweater over my head. There’s no way mom would let me leave the house in my sports bra. It’s October after all.

“Mom, dad, I’m heading for a quick walk, I’ll be right back!” I shout from the bottom of the stairs. My mom peeks out immediately, to check what I’m wearing. She clearly approves, because she doesn’t comment on my attire.

“Dinner’s in twenty!” she lets me know and I nod, just as I’m tying my sneakers.

“I’ll be back by then,” I assure her, before leaving the house. I check my sports watch. It’s six o’clock. No wonder the sun is hanging so low on the sky. It doesn’t matter, I just really have to stretch my legs.

After a few moments of walking, I suddenly feel way too slow. I need to move. Huh. I’m not really a runner, though. I hate running, in fact. But right now, it feels like I have to run, because if I don’t, I’ll start losing my mind.

I set a slow pace and start running, not really knowing why or where I want to go. I just need to get away from that house. Away from the guilt that’s suffocating me.

The miracle thing about running? The longer I move, the more I feel like the tension is slowly disappearing from my body. I turn around after ten minutes, deciding it’s time to head back. I’m barely able to breathe anymore, but I know that I have to run. My mom will have my head if I’m late for dinner.

Actually, I forgot to count shower time into my calculation. Crap. I check the time again, then decide to basically kill myself. I quicken the pace, almost sprinting down the street, back towards our house.

By the time I get there, my lungs and my throat are burning, and I can taste metal in my mouth. I pushed myself way too hard, but I needed it. As I check the time, I almost smile. Great, I have five minutes left to shower.

“I’m back!” I announce as I enter the house. I’m completely out of breath, which is why my dad peeks out of the kitchen, checking if I’m okay.

“Were you … running?” he wonders, making my mom laugh. Yeah, mom, laugh your ass off. Your daughter was running, ha, ha, so funny. She knows I wouldn’t be caught dead running. As I nod in response to dad’s question, unable to say anything, he blinks in surprise. “Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?” he jokes.

In the next moment my mom peeks out, clearly having to see it with her own eyes. Yeah, well, how could she misinterpret my sweaty, tomato-red face?

“Didn’t you know that curiosity got the cat?” I finally manage to breathe out. My mom opens and closes her mouth in surprise, before sending me a look of disapproval. Dad is holding his hand in front of his lips to prevent himself from laughing out loud, while my mom scolds me once again.

“That’s no way to talk to your mother, young lady. Go take a shower before I decide to ground you,” she tells me. I resist the urge to roll my eyes at her. I barely just got my freedom back, I really don’t want to sabotage it again.

“Yes, mom,” I breathe out again, before dragging myself upstairs. My lungs are burning so badly that I don’t even feel like showering, but I know she’ll have my head, if I sit down for dinner like a smelly little piglet.

I grab some clothes and head into the bathroom. I quickly scrub and rinse myself, then grab a towel. Just as I’m about to start drying myself, the door to the bathroom starts opening. Without really knowing why, I quickly start putting the towel around me, but I’m too late. I already see Hunter’s face in the mirror and judging by the way his eyes widen, he’s seen it all. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaahhhhh, DON’T SCREAM, PERRIE!!!

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you’re here,” he quickly mumbles before closing the door. Okay. Not screaming, not screaming, not screaming. I bit my fist, to let it out a little. Then, I just stand there, completely shaken and unable to move for quite some time. I can’t believe Hunter has just seen me naked! Can things literally get any worse for me?!