Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

And Then There Was No Frapuccino

Dear Diary,

My life has become a series of 'pinch me' moments. It's getting so overwhelming, that I want to wrap myself into a blanket and hide from the world for the entire day. Never even leaving my room.

I'm feeling a little lost. Like I've been thrown into the ocean without even knowing how to swim. There's only a fifty percent chance of survival. And the other fifty means ... Well, in my case, social doom.

What do I do? I could really use my grandpa now. He always gave the best advice about life.

You really don't want to know what that date looked like. I mean, it wasn't bad at all. It was actually really good, if I don't count the awkwardness from my side. But oh my God, making sure that no one sees you is so exhausting.

I told my mom that I'm going to the park with Leslie after school. Which was a big, fat lie. But it was my best friend who convinced me into lying. I wanted to tell my mom the truth, even if that would make her drive to the school and drag me into the car. She's pretty conservative.

Leslie said she'd be the perfect alibi, so I agreed to her suggestion in the end. Dear lord, it's like I'm committing a crime. Anyway, she actually went to the park after school and I went with her. I had to make sure that my brother saw me leaving with Leslie. And I wanted Hunter to see that, too. Just in case. I never know what these two talk about.

I try to take my mind off Hunter as Leslie accompanies me to the nearest Starbucks, where I'm supposed to meet Eric. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I've never been on a date before. I grab my best friend's hand, making her look at me in disgust, because my palms are sweaty. But she doesn't have the chance to comment on it, because I open my mouth faster than she can come up with a retort.

"Les, I've never been on a date before. HowdoIact?" I blurt out, making her blink a few times. Okay, maybe I was a little quick with my words. "I thought reading Bridgerton made me more than enough prepared for today's dating standards, but oh my God!" I continue squealing.

My best friend sighs, lets go of my hand, then wipes hers into my jacket. Fair enough. "Listen to me, Pez. You are bombastic. You shine brighter than the sun, aka the largest star of the universe. Anyone who can't see that, is an i***t. But Eric Schmitz doesn't strike me as an i***t. So, go get it, girl. Have fun!" she encourages me. I wish I could say that her words calm me down, but ... They don't really.

I take a deep breath and nod, knowing that talking about it is only going to make me sweat even harder. I wipe my hands into my jeans, then nod again. Lord help me, Julia Quinn didn't prepare me for real life at all.

"Oh, look, there he is," Leslie suddenly remarks, making my gaze shoot from the ground. I start looking around in panic, like a scared gazelle. "Jesus, Perrie, pull yourself together. You have a brother. You know how to talk to boys. You've had a lifetime of practice," she reminds me.

"That's different. I don't talk to my brother, I bicker with him or make fun of him," I admit, finally spotting Eric's silhouette in the distance. He's leaning on the pole of the traffic light, waiting for it to turn green. It has just turned red, so I believe we'll catch up to him before he crosses the road. Crap.

Leslie sighs. "It's not any different, really. Treat him like your brother ... Only nicer, please. Rather, treat him like Hunter," she suggests in a seemingly innocent tone. I turn my head, glaring at her. There's no way we're not going down that road right now. Or ever, really. "Yeah, alright, my lips are sealed," she grunts unhappily.

At that moment, Eric turns his head and notices us. His lips curl up into a smile, and he gives us a charming wave of a hand in greeting. I smile and wave back, not wanting to think about how I stupid I must have looked, doing that. It's impossible for me to mimic him and not look like an i***t.

As we get closer, Leslie says: "Here you go, she's all yours now." I glance at hew in a warning way, while Eric chuckles in response. He then looks at me with those dark blue eyes, making my heart skip a beat.

"Finally," he jokes, and I suddenly find myself glued to the spot. It's his gaze. He stares at me like in all those romantic novels, and I find myself completely mesmerized. How come I never saw him in that way sooner?

The traffic light saves me. It turns green and we have to say goodbye to my best friend in order to cross the road. We walk in silence and I can feel my hands sweating.

Eric is the first one to initiate a conversation. But it’s so awkward, that it makes me want to die. He asks about my day. I say it was good. Then I respond with the same question, because I have no idea what else to tell him and he pretty much has the same answer for me as I did for him.

We then reach the Starbucks and I pretend to be studying the options, despite already deciding that I’m having my pumpkin spice Frapuccino. A Frapuccino because I’m feeling too hot to have a latte, and pumpkin spice because I’m already in the mood for fall. But Eric doesn’t have to know that my mind is made up.

In reality, I’m trying to come up with an idea to start a conversation with him, because I’m literally starting to regret saying yes to this date. And it hasn’t even properly started yet. I have no idea how I’m going to drink that Frapuccino, when my stomach is in knots.

In that second, Eric asks me something. But it’s so loud in there, that I turn towards him in confusion, an ungraceful ‘huh’ escaping my mouth. Smooth, Perrie, real smooth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said,” I then quickly add, trying not to entirely ruin the situation.

He smiles. “That’s okay. I was wondering if you wanted to sit by the window,” he repeats himself a little more loudly and slowly this time. Ah, great, now he thinks I’m deaf. Or stupid. Or maybe both.

I nod. “Yeah, that would be great … If we manage to get any free space at all,” I comment, then glance at the queue in front of us in a meaningful way. Eric scratches the back of his head, smiling.

“Well, in case we don’t, we can still go to the park, if you want,” he suggests. I nod again, because I don’t have any other suggestions. Anyway, we wait in silence, until it’s our turn to order. Then, we both start pulling out our wallets.

Eric shakes his head and tries to make me put it away, but I insist that I want to pay for my own coffee. He gives in after a few moments of trying to talk me out of it. Then, we start looking for a table, but the café is jammed with people.

So, we head to the park, as soon as we get our coffee. Just like we decided we’d do. He initiates conversation once we get a little further away from the road. It’s not like we could talk much with all the noise of driving vehicles, moving past us.

I’m still nervous, though. No matter how hard I try to take Leslie’s advice. I don’t really know how to talk to boys apart from offending them. And I don’t want to insult Eric on our first date. Oh my God, I’m spiraling again.

“How come you never hang out with us when we’re at your house?” he asks after we exchange a few basic questions. I’m taken aback by this one, because I have no idea what to tell him in response. I open and close my mouth a few times, like a goldfish, then let out a small sigh.

“I don’t know, I … I guess my brother and I have always kept our friends separate. You know, I don’t hang out with his and he doesn’t hang out with mine,” I finally explain. Somehow. Eric nods understandingly, and I quickly occupy myself with my Frapuccino.

As I put the straw away, I notice Eric staring at my lips. We’ve started slowing down. I hold my breath in anticipation, not knowing what’s going through his head right now. In the next moment, he reaches out with his hand and brushes his thumb against the corner of my mouth. I draw in a shaky breath, which makes him put his hand away.

I breathe out, knowing very well that I’m going to start trembling. I lower the cup with my Frapuccino, clutching it tightly, in order not to spill its content. “Sorry, you had some cream there,” Eric apologizes, while I stand there, practically hyperventilating. He frowns as he notices that I’m completely frozen. “Are you okay?”

I start nodding like my head is going to bounce off my neck soon, then say: “Yeah, I … I’m fine, let’s … Let’s keep moving.” Then, I take off like I’m on a competition. He basically has to chase after me for a few steps.

I don’t say anything and he doesn’t talk either. Crap, I think I might have ruined it all. Why can’t I ever act normal? What is wrong with me? There’s no wonder that I only have one friend, while my brother sports a whole football squad.

“Perrie, did I do something to upset you?” Eric suddenly asks, startling me to the point that I stop in my tracks abruptly and start turning towards him. But all I manage to do is bump into him violently. I gasp in surprise as he grabs me to steady me. What I also manage to do, is let go of my drink, making the rest of my frozen coffee spill over the ground.

We stare at the mess for a few quiet moments, and I try not to think about the fact that Eric still didn’t release his grip on me. As I turn my head to look at him, he does the same thing with a panicky expression on his face.

“I’m so sorry, I’ll get you another one,” he apologizes, then quickly lets go of me as he realizes that he’s still holding me. “And I’m really sorry about touching you against your consent. Again.” I stare at him for a few seconds, until his words sink in. In the next moment, I can’t help but start laughing.

Eric stares at me in confusion, while I try to calm myself down to explain what’s really going on. “You don’t have to buy me another coffee, because I’m pretty sure I’ll spill that one too, with how horribly nervous I am,” I tell him. He blinks a few times, then pulls his lips into a smile that makes my heart skip a beat.

“Why are you nervous?” he asks, barely able to hide his content. I tilt my head curiously. I can’t believe he’s making me say this, but I can’t not say it. I want this to work out.

“Because I like you,” I admit, barely able to believe that I just told him that out loud. Without falling apart like the mess I am. As I wait for his response, I can already feel my heart thumping somewhere in my throat.

His smile widens and he lowers his gaze to the ground for a moment, before bringing it back to my eyes. Whoa, it’s suddenly unusually hot for this time of the year. “Well … I like you too,” he finally responds and I bite my lower lip before smiling. “So … Does that mean I do have your consent to touch you?” he wonders jokingly.

I giggle like a little girl, nodding. “I guess we could put it that way,” I tell him in a flirtatious tone. One that I didn’t even know I could use. I can’t believe this is happening. Someone pinch me, please.

“And … am I allowed to kiss you too?” he then asks, making me freeze. I swallow nervously, then nod, unable to get a single word out of my mouth right now. Eric smile fades a little as he takes a step closer. I have no idea if I’m breathing or not, all I’m able to focus on, are his eyes. They seem to magnetize me, because I find myself getting closer to him. Slowly, but noticeably.

I’m overwhelmed by absolutely everything right now. His heated gaze, the hands that suddenly slide around my waist, the feeling of his slightly muscular shoulders beneath my touch, the warmth of his breath just a second before he leans down … But nothing can prepare me for the moment our lips finally brush against one another.

Slowly, like we’re both afraid of what’s about to happen. Finally, Eric pulls me closer, kissing me properly. With the company of butterflies in my stomach and everything that comes along. I snake my hands around his neck and try to move my lips in the same rhythm as he does. It’s a weird feeling at first, but I soon get the hang of it.

I feel like I’m flying. Like I’m spreading my wings and soaring through the sky, feeling the wind against my feathers. It’s metaphorical, but surely, nothing in the world can be better than this kiss. The softness of Eric’s lips, the warmth of his hands against my spine … It’s perfect.

“Schmitz! Get your hands off my sister!” an enraged voice suddenly travels through the park, making the two of us jump apart like someone just dropped a bomb. Oh, I’m so dead.