Deadbeat Mother

I Deserve It

~Neela~

The brief interaction with Natalia didn’t bother me. I guess it should have, but it didn’t. I expected worse, so one could say that it was actually pleasant. I would have expected her to try to gouge my eyes out, and I’m pretty sure I’d let her.

I left my love, and I left my child. Here I am, a supermodel who travels all over the world. I’m just now coming back here after all these years, and I haven’t even tried to reach out to them yet. I know my reasoning for things, but she doesn’t. Anyone would believe the same thing: I’m a deadbeat mother, and they wouldn’t be completely wrong.

I wish things were different; I wish I could do what I’m supposed to do as a mother. Steven has told me time and again that I risk the lives of my child and his father. I’ve stayed away so that they can live worry-free. I know it makes no sense, but I also know that it’s a real threat.

I tried to kill myself once. It was early on, and I had a real understanding of what my life would be like. I didn’t want to live like this and couldn’t return home. I took a cup full of pills and let the effects take over. I had written a letter to Evan and Cooper explaining everything and apologizing. I woke up in the hospital with Steven by my side.

About a week or so after my release from the hospital, I spent a week in that room. I was there for a week because that’s how badly I was beaten. I was starved, only given bread once and water every few days. I was beaten because I tried to end my life. I never tried again because the threat was made to end Evan and Cooper’s lives. Steven had video of them going about their daily routines. They had no idea they were being followed. I never tried to end my life again after that. “Neela? Is everything okay? You look distracted.” I smile at Mia through the mirror.

“Everything’s fine, Mimi. Did we find Natalia yet?”

“That’s Ms. Cuervas.” She appears in the mirror with a look of indifference. I don’t want to make our work environment difficult for everyone around us, but I do feel that we should talk.

“Mimi, could you please give Ms. uh Cuervas and me a minute?” She looks between the two of us and nods, leaving us alone. Natalia isn’t looking at me, but I can’t really blame her. I’m sure the only reason she’s being calm is because this is her workplace as well as mine. “I, uh, I…..well….um, how…..how are they?” My heart is beating erratically in my chest. I know this isn’t the question I’m allowed to ask, but I can’t help myself. After seeing those pictures last night, I want to know everything.

“How dare you…..how f**king dare you! You walk away from the man you say you love and the child you created together and never call or visit. You reappear one day, years later, and have the audacity to ask how they are?! How the f**k do you think they are?!” I deserve this…….I deserve all of this and more.

“I know….it’s just…..you don’t know what has been happening. You don’t understand-”

“And I don’t want to. I know what’s been going on. You latched on to someone who could provide you with what you really wanted: money. You wanted money and fame, and you got it. All you had to do was dump those closest to you, and you did so without any hesitation. You make me sick.” She turns to walk away, and I feel the tears threatening to come out.

“I…..” She stops walking. “I’m glad Evan has you. I’m glad he found love again and that he’s happy.” Natalia doesn’t reply, walking right out of the tent. I take a minute to collect myself and rise from the chair. I walk to the tent flap and look out. I see my husband’s henchmen standing not too far away, watching me. It was a quickly-fought battle to get them to give me space. Nokio would not tolerate them being glued to me; they had to obey or be thrown out.

I walk out of the tent and stand at the railing, looking out over the water. I always loved watching the water move when I lived here. I’ve actually missed San Francisco a lot. I’ve seen a lot of places all over the world, but nothing has compared yet. I’m probably biased, though.

My hip vibrates, and I pull my phone out. It’s Steven calling, so I compose myself as best as possible. “Hello, love. How’s work going?”

“What’s this I hear about that i***t not letting my men have complete access?” I sigh. Of course, there is no interest in me.

“Those were his terms, Steven. They have eyes on me right now. I make sure they can see me whenever possible.” I actually don’t care, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“That f**ker is really pissing me off. Anyways, I won’t be available for lunch and I’m not sure about dinner. Make sure you go back to the room when you’re done with everything. There will be no sight seeing or visiting old haunts. Am I understood?”

“Completely.” He hangs up, and I put the phone in my pocket. I’m back home, yet I can’t revisit anything. There would be only one place I’d want to go anyway, and I know I wouldn’t be welcome. I guess it’s all for the best.

This may be the perfect time to talk to Mia. I told her we should talk afterward, but I forgot that Thing 1 and 2 would be within earshot. I can’t tell her anything without them listening. I turn my back on the water and look at the bustling event before me. The pictures will be taken tomorrow, all day. Nokio has some he wants to take at specific times of the day for lighting purposes.

Nokio said he wanted to help me and to just ask. I wonder if he could help me get some time with Mia without an audience. I see Nokio walk out of a tent. He looks around, and when his eyes land on me, he smiles and walks toward me. I guess I won’t know what could be if I don’t ask. “We are about finished for the day. Is there anything I can get you to prepare for tomorrow?”

“Oh, Nokio, everything is great and tomorrow should be wonderful. I do have a small request though.” Nokio takes my hand into his.

“Anything, just ask.”